Fall Leaves
James can’t breathe. The astonishing amount of relief that floods him is unparalleled. Regulus is right in front of him and as far as James can tell, in one piece.
Sirius mutters something that sounds a lot like “bloody bastard” under his breath before he sets off, stalking over to the group on the other side of the green. After a second’s delay James follows him, heart in his throat.
“What the fuck, Reg?” Sirius calls, throwing his arms up. “Back so soon?”
Regulus looks up, eyes widening. James sees it, the moment he takes in Sirius and right behind him, James. He presses his lips together, crossing his arms. James notes the circles under his eyes, dark and deep.
“Sirius.”
“Where’d you go, little brother? Care to share with the class?”
Regulus shrugs. “Mother wanted me home after the attack.”
“Yes, but you didn’t leave with Mother, did you?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Leave it, Black.” Meadows looks Sirius up and down, frowning. “Not the time.”
“Piss off, Meadows. I need to know where Reg went.”
“Why?” She steps forward, crossing her arms.
“Really, Dorcas? I thought you were on our side in all this.”
James watches as Crouch looks over, evidently awaiting her answer just as much as Sirius is. “This isn’t about sides,” Dorcas says eventually.
“Everythings about sides.” Sirius spits back. “If he’s off planning something dangerous we need to know-”
“I hardly think Reg was plotting the downfall of the magical world while he was taking a few days off.”
“Yeah, but I have no reason to trust that, do I?”
“Dorcas,” Regulus’s voice cuts through. “Leave it. It doesn’t matter.”
“But-”
“But, I’m done with this. I have work to do for Slughorn. See you at dinner.” Regulus turns and heads towards the corridor, leaving the conversation torn and suspended.
Except.
Except, he catches James’s eye just before he goes.
James grabs on to that minimal point of contact and clings to it, gripping it like a lifeline. He needs a way out, needs to go after him, find him, talk to him. He forces himself to turn back to the conversation instead, watching as Dorcas crosses her arms. “Please. Sirius. Leave him alone, just for a bit.”
“Don’t- he’s my brother.”
“Oh, and now that matters? When you want information?”
“What-”
Dorcas steps forward, an angry glint in her eye. “If you want to be his brother, be his brother. All the time, not just when it’s convenient.”
Sirius lets out a harsh breath. “If he-”
Dorcas holds up a hand. “Don’t try and sort out whatever shit you two have going on through me. He’s the one that needs to hear this.”
“Dorcas,” Barty growls. “Why are we talking to him? Can’t we curse them?”
“No.” Dorcas sends him a look. “You think that would help anything?”
“It’d be fun, at least.”
“I’ll save you the dilemma,” Sirius says, and turns to head after Regulus. James pauses for a moment before starting off after him, tripping a bit in an effort to catch up.
“Sirius!” He calls, but Sirius doesn’t turn around, waving him off and rounding a corner without looking back.
James curses, staring after him and then looking back in the direction Regulus went, presumably towards the Come and Go room.
Fuck it.
Sirius hasn’t been missing for three days.
James turns and heads down the corridor, making it to the invisible door in record time. Please be inside , he begs. The door appears after a few anxious paces of the hall, and James takes a steadying breath before he opens it.
Regulus is sitting on the floor, legs drawn up to his chest. He’s leaning up against the bed frame, face buried between his knees. James’s heart drops into his stomach.
“Reg?” He crosses the room quickly, sinking to the ground before him. He looks so small, like he’s folding in on himself. “Reg, can you look at me?”
Regulus’s shoulders shudder as he lifts his head slowly, eyes dark and miserable. There are deep circles underlying each, face gaunt and shaky. James’s chest clenches. “What happened? Where did you go? I’m sorry I left, I’m so sorry, I should’ve stayed with you, I should’ve believed you, I should never have let this happen-”
He's rambling now, but he can’t bring himself to care. Regulus is here, right here, and there are so many things James wants him to know.
“Where did you go?” He finally asks, staring deep into Regulus’s eyes.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“No. You don’t get to do this. Not after three days.”
Regulus looks away, resentful. “Drop it, James. I’m fine.”
James shakes his head resolutely, determined. This time, at least, that excuse wasn’t going to fly. “ No , Regulus.”
“I went to see my family.”
James shakes his head, a muscle in his jaw clenching. “Tell me the truth.”
“I am-”
“Regulus.”
Regulus’s eyes darken at his name. “Some things I can’t talk about, James.”
James throws up his hands, angry. “Why the fuck not? No, really, I’m asking. Why not? You think I’ll be mad? I’m more mad that you disappeared for three days and now refuse to tell me where you were.”
“Because I can’t. I don’t understand why you’re having trouble comprehending-”
“You look like death. You look so fucking worn out. I don’t care what happened, I don’t care what you think I’ll think, I care about you . I care about knowing you’re safe. I care about knowing you’re alive. I care about walking into this room and being totally confident I’ll find you in one piece.”
Regulus takes a breath, arms tightening on his legs. “That’s not fair. I had no choice. I had to go with them.”
“I’m not blaming you,” James pleads, desperation creeping in around the edges of his voice. “I’m not. I’m just asking, Reg.”
Regulus’s face shifts, ever so subtly, sinking into something a lot closer to despair. He goes quiet for a long moment. “He needed me,” Regulus murmurs eventually, voice cracking. “He needed me for a mission. And I couldn't say no, not with Sirius right there, so I went, and he-”
Regulus’s hands tighten around his knees. James reaches out and grabs his shoulders, maybe in an attempt to keep him upright, maybe in an attempt to hold him together. “Hey, take a breath. Ok? Take a breath, then tell me.”
Regulus takes a deep breath and looks away, expression bitter and resentful. “He killed someone.” His eyebrows raise just a bit, looking surprised that he let all that slip.
James lets out a harsh exhale, tightening his grip on Regulus’s shoulders. “Oh. Fuck. You saw him use the killing curse?” No wonder Regulus looked like he wanted to tear the world apart.
“No. He used a knife, actually.”
“Shit.” James limits himself to one question at a time. “But he didn’t- he didn’t make you do it?”
Regulus shakes his head, lowering his gaze. “He wouldn’t let me.”
James goes still. “What?”
“He said no. When I tried. With Avada.”
James lets go of his shoulders. “ What?”
Regulus looks up, gaze fiery. “Believe me, it would’ve been better. I was trying- I wanted-” He shakes his head. “It would’ve been better.”
James sits back, realization dawning on him. “He was being tortured.”
Regulus’s face twists with something unpleasant, squeezing his eyes shut. “Yes.”
“And you wanted to put him out of his misery.”
Regulus reaches up, pressing his hands over his ears. “I don’t- I can’t-”
“Regulus.” James pulls his hands down, cupping his face. Regulus shakes, trembling under his palm. “Regulus, take some breaths. It’s ok. You tried to do the right thing.”
Regulus bends forwards, hunched over his knees. James places a hand on his back, gut twisting. What’s he supposed to do? This, already, was far too much weight for any one person to carry. “Breathe, love.”
“You’ll hate me.”
James almost wants to laugh at that.
“Why do you say that?”
“He- he did something to me.”
James’s world goes still, every molecule of his being vibrating with fear. Anger. Hate. “What?”
There are tears in Regulus’s eyes, James realizes. The sight makes him want to bring the world down around them. “He infested me,” Regulus hisses. “He took the man's magic- or- or something, and he put it in me and- I fucking hate it. I feel disgusting. Gross. I don’t want it, whatever it is. And I can’t get it out. I’ve tried- Merlin, James, I’ve tried so many things, but I can’t get it off. It’s like it's stuck to my soul.”
James can’t do anything except rub Regulus’s shoulders. “I don’t understand-”
“Neither do I but- He did something. A spell. Dark magic. I didn’t want- I mean, it’s awful. I feel awful, all the time.”
“And he-” James feels his muscles tighten as he tries to digest what Regulus is saying. “He did this to you, why?”
Regulus shrugs miserably. “Says he wants only the strongest by his side. Says he’s trying to make me better.”
“So he’s fucking experimenting on you? Trying out different spells? Like- like some sort of test subject?” The anger is starting to creep back in, stronger than ever.
Regulus closes his eyes, tipping his head back against the bedframe. His shoulders are still shaking. “I don’t know.”
“I’m going to kill him. I’m going to rip him apart-”
“James.”
“Did he do anything else?”
Regulus silently reaches up and pulls open the collar of his shirt, revealing a dark crusted-over cut on his chest. James can see another one further up on his shoulder.
James stands up, turning and pacing the room. He tries desperately to get his breathing under control, tries to shove down the multitude of things he’s feeling. He feels the magic inside him thrum with anger, fury sending his fingertips sparking. Why him? He thinks. Why is it always him?
After a moment he turns back to Regulus, still on the floor, and takes out his wand. He kneels in front of him, pulling down his collar and ignoring the way he flinches. “Episky,” he murmurs, drawing his wand over the cut on his chest. It closes a bit, but it’ll need another round before it’s fully healed.
Regulus sucks in a breath and moves away, pulling his shirt back up. “No, James, my Mother will-”
James grabs his hands and prys them off, lifting his wand. “Let me do this, Reg. Please. I need to do this.”
Regulus lets out a choked breath when James exposes the skin again, repeating the spell and watching as the cut stitches itself back together. James takes his time, soothing the irritated skin with touch and charms, healing him to the best of his abilities. It feels good; being able to see the physical effect. To help Regulus and actually watch it work. Regulus lets his head drop backwards as James does the cut on his shoulder, smoothing the skin over gently with his thumb when he’s done. He leans down, unable to help himself, and places the gentlest of kisses on the spot.
It’s not a chore, loving Regulus. Caring for him, putting him back together. It’s simple. Habitual. It hurts, sure, constantly, but he never has to try.
When he looks back up, he has to take a breath. There’s a single tear escaping Regulus’s closed eye, running down his cheek and gathering on his chin. The rest of his face remains as impassive as ever, save the slight pinch in his brows. James reaches up and softly wipes the tear away, choosing not to comment. He keeps his hand on Regulus’s cheek, brushing his thumb under his eye.
“What are they doing to you?” He whispers, so soft it’s barely audible.
Regulus tips his head forward into James’s palm. He doesn’t say anything for a long moment, just soaking in James’s touch. His eyes stay closed. “I don’t know,” he finally responds, and James’s heart cracks.
“Let me get you out.” James says.
Regulus barely shakes his head, still leaning into James’s touch. “Not yet.”
And that-
That’s good. That’s progress. Not yet is better than not ever.
“I love you,” James says. “I could never hate you.”
As if that should ever have to be clarified.
Regulus almost smiles. “You’d be surprised.”
James pulls him forward, tucking him to his chest and wrapping his arms around his thin body. If he could take some of the burden off his shoulders, if he could ease whatever aching pain obviously still clings to him, he’d do it in a heartbeat. Whatever it took.
He’d tear the world apart to make him stop shaking.
The thought scares him.
Above their heads, the bell rings for dinner. Regulus drops his head against James’s chest and lets out a soft sigh. “Is there any way I could convince you to skip and stay here with me?”
“No chance.” James looks him up and down, frowning at the sharp lines of his cheekbones and outline of his collarbone under his shirt. “You need to eat. You look like you’re wasting away.”
It looks like Regulus wants to say something to that, but instead he shakes his head. “You sound like Kreature.”
“Kreature’s right.”
“As usual,” Regulus murmurs. He slowly pulls back, extracting himself from James’s arms. The space he leaves behind physically hurts, like its emptiness is more of a gaping hole than just an absence of presence.
“Reg…” James starts, as he rises. “This thing inside you- what does it feel like?”
Regulus closes his eyes, lashes fluttering on his cheeks. “Bad.” He blinks softly, gaze settling on James. “Anger. Death. Decay. Whatever you want to call it.”
“And how did it happen? What did he do?”
“He started saying words, like an incantation, and then took my arm and stabbed-” Regulus cuts himself off, looking down. “I passed out after that. I don’t remember anything else.”
“You passed out?”
Regulus nods. “Kreature said I had a fever. I didn’t wake up for a day.”
James lets out a hiss through his teeth, running his hands over his face. He doesn’t say anything, afraid of his own anger.
“See?” Regulus says. “This is why I can’t tell you things like this.”
James’s eyes snap open, alighting on him instantly. “What?”
“You get angry, or sad, or upset, and it’s my fault. What you don’t know can’t hurt you.”
“No. I need to know. I’m glad you told me. I- I’m not mad at you, or angry, or anything. I just can’t stand that people treat you the way they do. And I can’t stand that you let them.”
“But-”
“Please keep telling me things, Reg. Please don’t stop. I need to know. It kills me to be left in the dark.”
“That’s going to get you in trouble one day, Potter.” Regulus mutters as he moves to the door.
James cocks his head. “What will?”
“Caring too much. It won't bring anything good.”
He feels his lips twitch into the ghost of a smile, following him out. “Worth it.”
---
It takes a while for Sirius to join them at dinner, eyes slightly distant and posture stiff. Remus exchanges a look with James and nudges his shoulder, tipping his head in a silent question. Sirius gives him a small smile and turns back to the food in front of him, eating with his usual vigor. The sight calms Remus a bit.
Peter sits down next to them. “What’s up?”
Remus shrugs as Sirius shakes his head, still smiling. “Nothing, Pete. What’s up with you?”
“Finished my nine-page charms essay.”
Sirius raises a brow. “You finished it?”
Pete shrugs. “I invented the spell that finished it. What did you get up to?”
Sirius’s smile slips slightly. “Just hung out in the astronomy tower for a bit. The air’s nice up there.”
Mary slides in next to them, Lily following suit across the table. “Alone?”
Sirius grins at her. “Is that so hard to believe? I can be alone. I can be mysterious.”
Remus sucks in a breath. He saw James go after him. He saw them leave, one after the other. So why the fuck was Sirius on his own? He shouldn’t have been. Not like that.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you alone since I met you.”
“Yeah, well, if you’d have seen it I wouldn’t have been alone, would I?”
Mary sticks her tongue out at him and turns back to her food. Marlene plops down next to Lily. “What's up?”
“We're discussing how Sirius has no ability to be mysterious.”
Marlene nods sagely. “Ah. True.”
“Hey!”
Lily leans back, stretching. “How many of you are staying for Christmas?”
“Not me.” Sirius and James say at the same time. Remus considers. His mother will miss him, sure, but there’s not much waiting for him in that cold little cottage in Wales.
“I’ll stay,” He says after a moment. “If you are.”
Lily grins at him. “Amazing. Looking forward to it.”
“I have to go home,” Marlene says with a small pout. “But I think Mary’s staying.”
Mary nods around a mouthful of sausage. “Yep.”
“I’m on the fence,” Peter says. “I could go home, but I’ve never spent a Christmas here. And it’s the last one…”
“Aw,” Sirius pouts, “Wait. Now I want to stay too. James, can we stay?” A flutter of hope ignites in Remus’s gut.
James smiles at him, but it looks slightly forced. “I… want to see my father. It’s been a while. You can stay, if you like.”
Sirius’s face sobers immediately, nodding. “Shit. I didn’t even think about that. Yeah, we’ll go home then.”
“How’s he doing, James?” Lily gives him a long look. “Are the doctor's treatments working?”
James shrugs, looking very uncomfortable. “Enough.”
“Anyway,” Sirius interrupts, and Remus doesn’t miss the grateful look James sends his way. “I heard the food is shite at Hogwarts over break anyway.”
“That is so not true.”
“I know,” Sirius sighs. “Just trying to make myself feel better.”
Dinner ends shortly after and the girls head off to their dorm, leaving the boys to themselves. Sirius shouts something over his shoulder about the loo and saunters off. Pete disappears to god knows where and James plunks himself down on Remus’s bed, watching him get ready.
“You’re mad at me,” he says simply. Remus sighs.
“I’m mad at myself. He shouldn’t have been alone.”
“He waved me off.”
Remus gives him a look. “He shouldn’t have been alone.”
“I know.”
“I should’ve gone after him. I should’ve known you’d…”
James watches him cooly, not moving. “I did what I needed to do.”
“Is Regulus ok?”
James looks away, and for a brief moment, Remus sees him a little clearer. There’s an ocean of stress hiding under every inch of him, nearly cracking him open. He sees it in the tightness of his brows, the set of his jaw. The way his shoulders tense at every word and question. “...No,” he says finally. “And I don’t- I don’t know how to fix it.”
Remus lets out a breath. “Do you have to?”
James nods instantly, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. “Of course I do. I- who else can, Remus? Who else will? Of course I do.”
Remus sits down against the back wall. “You wanna know something? I was jealous, when you first got together.” He didn’t think he’d ever admit this. Didn’t think he’d ever find the words for it.
James’s eyes go big, mouth dropping open. “...of who?”
Remus waves his hand. “No! No. Neither of you. Both. I don’t know. It just seemed so easy, you know? To love each other. It seemed so simple for you two. And I was jealous, because, with me and-” He cuts himself off, sucking in a breath.
“You can say his name,” James says softly.
“-Sirius,” Remus answers, feeling some weight sink from his shoulders. “It’s so complicated. And convoluted. I mean, I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling. If he even- If he’s even thought of me in that way. And you two- aren't. You knew how you felt about each other. It was so easy.”
James stares at him for a long moment. “You thought… you were jealous of me and Regulus, because you thought our relationship was… easy?”
Remus, a little bewildered at his reaction, nods. James lets out a startling laugh, bending forward and clutching his stomach in mirth. Remus frowns. “What?”
“Regulus and I… easy?” James chuckles one last time, letting out a soft sigh. “Remus, think, for one moment.”
“I just- I don’t know. You can tell each other how you feel without… I don’t know.” Remus realizes how stupid he sounds and shuts up, hanging his head and staring at the ground. “Forget I said anything.”
“Only behind closed doors,” James says after a beat. “Only in private. I can’t so much as look in his direction with other people around. You can still talk to Sirius, even as friends. You can still put an arm around his shoulders or…” He shakes his head. “Trust him to come back after a break alive and sane. And as far as telling each other how we feel, well. That almost never happens. He… I mean, I can’t blame him. I’m not much better.” He sighs. “It’s not easy, with Regulus and I. It hurts like a bitch, actually.”
Some part of Remus wants to see what James sees in him. Just enough to understand, to sympathize. He’s got a feeling it would make all this alot easier. “Sirius still hates him.”
James lets out a bitter laugh. “You think?”
“One of us should’ve gone with him tonight.”
“You can’t ask me to choose between them. I won’t.”
“You’ll have to, one day. You know that.”
James shakes his head. “They’ll talk and make up.”
“That’s not-”
“Remus. I won’t choose.”
Remus exhales, frowning. “I… I don’t like that it’d be a difficult choice.”
James shrugs just as Sirius and Pete burst back into the room, giggling to themselves. “Ok. Ok, let’s go. Prongs, you know the spell?”
James gives Remus one last look before standing. “Course. Here, Padfoot and I’ll go together, and Pete and Moony can take the rest of the castle.”
Remus catches Sirius’s eye for a second before nodding, giving in. “Alright. Let’s not waste anymore time.”
James goes back to grab the wand he left on the bed and Remus and Peter head out the door.
---
“Speculum loqui.” Sirius points his wand at the mirror and James watches as the glass flashes violet for a moment before returning to normal. For a second, nothing happens. Then their reflections begin to talk.
“Comb that hair, would ya?” James’s reflection snaps, shielding his eyes. “Much too wild.”
“You could fill out a bit more in the shoulders,” Sirius’s reflection comments, looking him up and down.
The real Sirius and James take a step back, surveying their work. “Wonderful,” Sirius says.
“Perfectly harmless,” James agrees.
They do the rest of the sinks in the bathroom before moving on to the next. They let Pete and Remus take the top floors, leaving them with floor four and down.
“Been too long,” Sirius mutters as they move from sink to sink. “People need to lighten up.”
“Tell me about it.”
“That’s not really your color…” James’s reflection comments from the mirror. James ignores him.
“When we go home this Christmas let's talk to Monty about the Order,” Sirius says. “I think he might be a bit more willing than Effie.”
James nods. “Yeah, you might be right. He’s got his own revenge to pay, he’ll understand.”
Sirius swallows, leaning against a sink. “I bet Moody would train us in a heartbeat.”
“He’s actually insane, you know.”
“Yeah, but that’s the kind of attitude we need right now. If he’d been here during the attack instead of Dumbledore, the Death Eaters wouldn't have gotten away so quickly.”
James smirks. “I think Dumbledore’s the only reason we’re alive. I mean, he got like every single student scattered across an 8 storey castle into one room and kept them all safe.”
Sirius’s smile falters. “Not… every student.”
James’s stomach clenches. “No. But you said… you said he left with them. Dumbledore wouldn’t have been able to help in that situation.”
Sirius sighs. “I should’ve…”
“What could you have done? Against Voldemort?”
“Grabbed him, I don’t know. Physically not let him leave.”
“You think that would work?”
“I don’t know. I shouldn’t-” Sirius looks away, jaw tight. For once, the mirror behind them doesn’t comment. “I shouldn’t care this much, should I?”
James softens. “He’s your brother.”
“He cut my chest open.”
James takes a breath. Sirius runs a hand over his side, over the scar James has seen a thousand times. He wonders… “Have you talked to him about that?”
“Not since that night.”
“What if you… did.”
Sirius rolls his eyes. “He’ll just tell me they threatened him or some shit. Or he was scared. Or in pain. He’ll give some sort of excuse.”
James can’t help himself. “Excuse? Or reason?”
“Excuse.” Sirius says firmly. “I would never- I’ve withstood worse than whatever he did that night. I would never hurt him, never. No matter what they did to me.”
And maybe James should keep his mouth shut. Maybe this isn’t his business, isn’t his secret to tell. But Moony’s words are playing in the back of his head, a never ending loop.
You’ll have to choose.
And, well, fuck that.
“What if he was Imperiod?”
James waits with bated breath as Sirius stares at him for a second. Maybe this is it. Maybe they’ll talk. Maybe James will never have to choose between them again. Maybe-
“Reg has been able to throw off an imperious curse since he was twelve.”
James can’t breathe. “What?”
Sirius shrugs. “Mother was using it too much. We learned how to get out of it. It’s not difficult, once you figure it out.”
“What?”
Sirius gives him an odd look. “What?”
James leans back against the sink. Regulus told him, under veritaserum, that he was imperioed. Unless he could resist that too. He wouldn’t put micro-dosing past Walburga. Or, maybe he just never tried to throw it off in the first place. Which would mean-
James takes a shaky breath.
Which would mean Regulus was himself when he cut Sirius that night. It was his choice.
And that would change everything.
The thought makes him sick.
“Oh,” he finally says. “Oh. I- I didn’t know that.”
“We should move on.”
“Right.” Slightly numb, James follows him out the door. “Right.”
Down another flight of stares, Sirius leans through a doorway. “Anyone in here?”
James gives him a look. “It’s the middle of the night.”
“Like you’ve never had to take a shit at two am.”
James rolls his eyes and pushes past him into the room, scanning it quickly. “Empty.”
“Not quite.”
Both Sirius and James’s head shoot up, staring. Moaning Myrtle floats over a stall, head propped in her hands. “It’s ok you didn’t notice me. No one does.”
“Myrtle-” James takes a step back. “We didn’t see you there.”
“I know.” Myrtle lets out a soft sob then turns her gaze to Sirius. Suddenly she startles back, twisting in the air. “Oh! Sirius.”
Sirius blinks at her. “Hi? Did I startle you?”
“I thought you were your brother. I-” she whimpers. “I got scared.”
Sirius groans, dropping his head into his hands. “Is he all anyone can talk about? Merlin.”
James finds himself agreeing. He doesn’t want to think about Regulus right now.
“Is he in here… often?” Sirius asks, looking around. Myrtle sighs.
“All the time. Not- not this year, I suppose.”
James glances at the sink Regulus charmed open, revealing the tunnel behind. He thinks about the Basilisk below their feet, turning and hissing. Regulus hasn’t visited her at all this year? Why the fuck not?
“Well- that’s bloody weird- but if you’ll excuse us we have some class-A prank pulling to get back to.” Sirius shakes his head and heads over to the sinks, starting the charm on the first one. James goes to the other side, going around to meet Sirius. “Speculum loqui.”
“Pigtails? Still?”
James looks up, furrowing his brow. It wasn't his voice, it wasn't his reflection. Behind him, Myrtle wails. “I can’t change them!”
“Awful frames, too.” Myrtles reflection comments.
Myrtle sobs, turning to James and Sirius. “You made the mirrors mean?”
“Uh- We thought ghosts didn’t-”
“When the only thing I have to look at is your skinny excuse for a brother and my reflection? Ugh!”
“Listen, we can change them back-”
Myrtle just lets out another wail and disappears back into her stall, presumably into her toilet. James and Sirius stare after her then at each other. “Well,” James starts. “We might not have thought this part through.”
“Let's just reverse it.”
They do, leaving the mirrors clean and silent.
“I hate everyone!” Myrtle shouts from her stall. Sirius grimaces.
“Sorry Myrtle. We reversed it.”
She floats above the wall slightly. “Evil.”
“Not intentionally!”
She crosses her arms, pouting. “Get out of my bathroom.” Then she sweeps forward, hovering right in front of Sirius. “Unless you wanted to stay and chat, pretty boy? My stall’s always open…”
Sirius goes as white as she is and backs up, bumping into James. “Yeah, we better be on our way. Sorry Myrtle. Some other time, hm?” Then he turns and exits very quickly, letting James catch the door behind him. “Merlin,” he mutters once they’re out. “Someone’s gotta stop her.”
James lets out a soft huff, continuing on. “What, you don’t like the idea of a ghost-lover? Might be a bit cold, but I’m sure it’d be fun.”
Sirius grimaces, hitting him in the arm. “Ugh, absolutely not. And isn’t she, like, a second year?”
James shrugs. “Yeah but how many years ago did she die? She’s got to be at least like 30 by now.”
“I’m not into older women.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’m saving myself for marriage.”
James laughs out loud at that, then clamps a hand over his mouth. “Fat fucking chance. I thought you were gonna say you’re saving yourself for Moony.”
Sirius chokes, stumbling a bit. James thumps him on the back. “Oops. Forget I said anything.”
“You- I- I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Sirius settles on.
“Yes you do.”
“No.”
“It doesn’t have to be a whole thing.” James gives him a look. “You don’t think I can tell? You don’t think I’ve been able to tell?”
“It’s- I’m not gay.” Sirius winces at the words, biting his lip.
James lets out a breath. “Do you have to be? Does it matter?”
“I just- Moony’s a guy.” The note of fear in his voice sends James’s stomach crawling. Sirius said he was fine with James seeing a boy. He said he was fine. But his tone feels too hostile to trust.
“So what.”
“So, I- it’s not-”
“Do you care, or does your mother?” It’s a low blow, but it lands anyway. Sirius’s brows pinch.
“It’s not like that.”
“So you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t think Moony’s hot? That he doesn’t look good in all his jumpers?”
Sirius, evidently, can not. James smirks. “Something’s different nowadays,” he says. “I can sense it.”
Sirius buries his face in his hands. “I might’ve, I mean… we might’ve held. Forget it. Whatever.”
James grins. “Did you hold hands, Sirius?”
Sirius turns beet red, determinedly avoiding James’s gaze.
“When was this?”
“...the house. Over break.”
James makes a face. “In my own home? Gross.”
“We were just holding hands! Really, the way Effie phrased it, you’da thought…”
James blanches. “Is that what she meant by sleeping in the same bed?”
“...We might’ve fallen asleep like that.”
James stops walking, leveling him with a blank stare. “You fell asleep holding hands.”
Sirius blushes.
James groans and shakes his head, starting forward again. “Bloody hell.”
“But it’s not… I mean…”
“So why in Gods name aren’t you fucking?”
Sirius waves him off. “I'm not into blokes. I can't.”
James rolls his eyes in exasperation and throws up his hands. “Ok. Nevermind. If I have to keep talking about this I’m going to rip my eyeballs out.”
“The mirrors really wouldn't like that.”
They duck into another bathroom, the last one. It’s a quick process, and once every mirror is chattering away they take their leave.
---
“Those Gryffindor fuckers.”
Regulus looks up from his book as Dorcas storms into the common room, eyes wild. “You noticed,” he comments dryly.
“How did they get into the dorm?”
Regulus shrugs. “Albert, I imagine.”
“That fucking traitor.”
This morning when Regulus had gone to brush his teeth the mirror had given a snide comment about the circles under his eyes. He’d promptly ignored it and turned around, choosing to look out the window and over the grounds instead.
Dorcas, evidently, had been a bit more bothered. “How are we supposed to, I don’t know, get ready everyday?”
“You didn’t notice this morning? It’s almost lunch.”
Dorcas shrugs. “I don’t do much in the morning. No reason to stare into the mirror.”
“It’s every bathroom, not just ours.”
Dorcas curses. “Every bathroom in the school?”
“Yeah.”
“Merlin.”
“So you noticed, Dorcas?” Barty and Evan enter, flopping down on either side of Regulus on the couch. “We’ll have to get them back, of course.”
“No we do not.”
“Come on, Reg. It’ll be fun.”
“Leave me out of it.”
“Fine.”
Dorcas takes a seat in the arm chair across from them. “I’m with Reg.”
“Boo, you’re both no fun. God, you’ve been so serious lately.” Barty throws his head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling.
“Untrue.” Regulus flips a page in his book.
“True.” Evan gives him a look. “After summer, you kind of… retreated.”
Regulus raises his eyebrows at him, not appreciating this conversation. “If you say so.”
“You should be celebrating,” Barty motions around them. “The Dark Lord was here, in the school, and you got to go on a mission with him.”
Dorcas frowns. “That’s hardly a reason to celebrate, Barty.”
“What are you on about?”
“Kids were injured. Maybe killed, if Dumbledore wasn’t here.”
Barty shrugs. “For the Dark Lord.”
Dorcas’s eyes narrow. “Children, Barty.”
Barty rolls his eyes. “Hardly.” He turns to Regulus. “Anyway. It’s like you got the mark and then suddenly became all business business.”
Regulus closes his eyes as Dorcas takes a short breath. “What?”
He doesn’t say anything, holding her gaze. Barty speaks up. “You didn’t hear? He’s totally official now. Tattooed and everything.”
“That… what?” He can see it, see her reevaluating and taking stock of the situation. Her brows draw together before wiping clean, leaving only a cold anger behind. “Is that true?”
Regulus nods, face blank.
Barty laughs. “Dorcas, grow up. It’s time.”
Dorcas’s eyes flick to him, sharp and mean. “What did you say?”
“I said grow up.”
Her eyes narrow. “And here I thought-” She cuts herself off, turning on the spot. Her braids swing with a shake of her head. She storms off, letting the door to the common room slam behind her.
“Tosser,” Barty mutters, but Regulus ignores him, already standing.
He follows her out, watching her back retreat down the hall. “Dorcas,” he starts. She pauses, turns to face him.
“I thought you wouldn’t go that far. None of this was supposed to go this far.” She motions at his arm.
“I-”
“Whatever it takes doesn’t mean fucking murder, Regulus. It doesn’t mean joining him. Fighting by his side.”
Regulus takes a shuddering breath. He thought she, of all people, would understand. “Yes it does. For me, it does. I had no choice. You know that.”
Her gaze softens. “There’s always a choice, Regulus. You had a choice. You made it.”
“What would they have done if I said no?” Regulus tries, moving forward slightly. “I needed to be closer to him, needed him not to be suspicious-”
Dorcas closes her eyes. “And Barty? And Evan? Do they not have a choice either?”
“They… they don’t have the mark yet.”
“They will. They want it.”
“And you don’t?”
She scoffs. “What do you think?”
He remembers all the times she’s looked away when Barty or Evan talked about one of the Dark Lord’s missions or meetings. The expression on her face when she read the morning paper, reporting on another muggle death. The gradual distance that's been growing between their groups, Dorcas and Pandora sitting with them less and less at meal times, going to bed instead of staying up and talking like they used to. “I know.” He says eventually, leaning against the wall.
She rubs a hand over her eyes. “It’s… difficult, being a Slytherin that doesn’t believe in blood purity. It's what everyone expects of me.”
Regulus lets out a breath. “I know.”
“It’s harder being the Black Heir, I’m sure. What a name. What a family to live up to.” She shakes her head. “But I- I can’t follow the three of you down this road. I always thought… I don’t know. I thought the Dark Lo- Voldemort- would be dead by now. I thought we’d never get this far.”
“So… what? What now?”
“I can’t fight for him.”
“Then don’t. Stay out of it. Get a house somewhere, find a girl. Stay away from everything.”
He sees her answer written out in every line of her face. His chest tightens. “No, Dorcas.”
“I don’t have a choice, Regulus.”
“You just said-”
“That’s different. I’ve got to stop him.”
“So you’d fight them? Barty and Evan? If you saw them out there, you’d hurt them?”
“No. No, of course not. I… I couldn’t. But don’t act like you aren’t on the same side as they are. You might have… different circumstances, but you’re fighting for the same cause.”
”Barty…”
Dorcas sighs. “Barty doesn’t fucking care, not really. Doesn’t matter what side the Dark Lord’s on, it’s his dad he’s worried about. He’ll go in whichever direction his dad doesn’t.”
“I’m doing what I have to.”
There are tears in her eyes, Regulus realizes. “Doesn’t mean I have to be dragged down with you.”
“Dorcas-”
“I was hoping you wouldn’t- I mean, I guess I knew. I don’t know what I thought.” She nods to his arm. He reaches over and digs his fingers into his skin, trying to stop himself from ripping straight through and scraping the mark off. “I knew this would happen. And I knew it’s be over after that.”
Regulus takes a deep breath, stepping back. He keeps his eyes on Dorcas and his hand on his arm. “Just don’t go getting yourself killed.”
She smirks, though it’s shaky. “You know I’m too good for that.”
There's a long moment of silence, broken only by their breaths. Finally, Dorcas speaks up. “It’s the same, Reg. You’re doing what you have to to get through this war.” She offers him a small smile. “So am I.”
“Whatever it takes?” He asks softly.
She nods. “Whatever it takes.”
It’s the last time Dorcas talks to him at Hogwarts.
---
“Wanna go on a walk?”
Regulus blinks at James, hand still on the doorknob to the Come and Go room. “A walk?”
James shrugs. “Outside. In the fresh air. Under the fall leaves.”
Regulus glances at the potions table in the middle of the room. He supposes there’s nothing to do here. “We can’t be… seen.”
James lights up. “Fine by me. We’ll walk along the edge of the forest.” Pulling something out from behind his back, he tosses it to Regulus, who catches it.
“A scarf, Potter? A Gryffindor scarf?”
James just grins at him and Regulus scowls back, trying to ignore the effect the sight has on his chest. He sends him a glare and loops the scarf over his head, adjusting it carefully. When he looks up he finds James’s eyes fixed firmly on him. “What?”
James tilts his head. “Gryffindor colors suit you.”
Regulus hides his flush in his scarf and pulls out his wand, tapping it once. The orange on the scarf promptly turns to green and he gives James a smug look. “Ok. I’m ready.”
James pouts a little but nods towards the door, beckoning. “Off we go, then.”
The weather outside is crisp and cool, forcing Regulus to bundle into his cloak a little more. Once they’re past the ground limits and no one can see them, James reaches out and takes his hand. Regulus goes stiff instantly. They’ve never done this, he realizes. They’ve never held hands. There’s no need to, when they only see each other behind closed doors. It’s… nice, he decides. Comfortable.
The leaves are starting to fall from the trees, turning all sorts of colors. Regulus catches James staring out over the branches. “What are you thinking about?” He asks eventually. James blinks, and looks down at him.
His lips press together. “Nothing I want to talk about right now. Let’s just… enjoy this.”
Regulus shoves down whatever foreboding feeling that’s building in his gut and nods. “Ok.”
They settle down under two tall oaks, brown leaves littering the grass. James lays back, staring at the canopy. Regulus copies him, making sure their heads are lined up. He watches as a few leaves twirl down through the air, carpeting the small clearing they’ve found themselves in.
“The mirrors talk,” he comments dryly. James chuckles next to him.
“Did you enjoy that little surprise?”
“Mm.”
“Don’t worry. They don’t comment on anything the person can’t change.”
Regulus cracks a smile. “What’d it say about you?”
James frowns. “Said my hair was too messy. And that these aren’t the right frames for me.”
Regulus shakes his head, looking back up at the sky. “Well. The mirrors don’t know everything.”
He feels more than sees James’s grin. “You’re so into me.”
Regulus scoffs. “I don’t know where you’re getting all that.”
“You totally think I’m good looking.”
“Nevermind. I take it back. I’m getting you a comb for Christmas.”
“You know it won’t do any good.”
Regulus stretches his hands out, running them through the dry grass and leaves. It feels good to be outside- he’s been cooped up in the castle far too long. “Crouch and Rosier wanted to retaliate. You should count yourself lucky.”
“I’m not afraid of them. Let them try.”
“Don’t worry, I told them not to. I do not have the time for a prank war.”
“But they’re such fun, Reg.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Mm.”
"You're not going to have time for pranking when you've gone pro, you know."
James tips his head, eyes settling on Regulus. "All the more reason to get the good ones done now. Still haven't decided what you want to be after school?"
Regulus looks up at the trees and thinks of Saskia. "Maybe- I don't know. Maybe a healer, once this is all over. I'd like to make potions that help people."
James's lips part as he stares at him. "God- that's- that's so perfect, Reg. Why didn't I think of that? You'd be so good."
"I'm not sure about that." Regulus can't make himself look at James, the warmth in his gaze suddenly too much to handle. "The potions I make aren't really... healing potions."
"What about the cure for my dad? What about the sleeping draughts you make me practically every week?"
Regulus shrugs. "I guess."
"You‘ll save so many people." James rolls over, lifting himself up on his elbows so he can look down at Regulus. His eyes glitter behind his glasses, dark and full of emotion. “You’re pretty like this.”
Regulus feels himself go red, narrowing his eyes at James. “You can’t- don’t-”
“Can’t what?” James reaches out, pulling a leaf from under Regulus’s hair. He runs a hand over his forehead and nose, down until he grazes his lips. Regulus has never known another hand as gentle as his.
“Can’t just say stuff like that,” Regulus finishes, heart beating languid and slow as James smiles softly down at him.
“But you turn such a nice color when I do.” He leans down and kisses him, cupping his face and tilting it up slightly. Regulus reaches a hand upwards, curling it through James’s hair and pulling him lower. He lifts his head slightly to find the best angle and… there. That's it.
Right there.
Something warm blossoms in his chest, and for the first time in weeks he can’t feel the encroaching darkness inside him. The mold and decay retreats, leaving only a warm glow in its place. It’s comforting and familiar and so entirely James that Regulus finally feels like he can breathe clean air.
It's a feeling he’s been searching for since he was eleven and James Potter was offering him a hand on the Hogwarts Express.
It's natural and so, so right.
He kisses James harder, cupping his face and brushing his thumb under his eye. He pulls back, resting his forehead against James's. “I love you,” he whispers, and the words come out cracked and dry but true all the same.
It’s the first time he’s said it, he realizes. The first time he hasn’t been just answering James. He feels James respond, feels him pull Regulus tighter against his chest and roll them over so Regulus hovers over him, kissing him into the grass.
“Regulus,” James whispers, and it’s such a choked and wonderful sound that the glow inside him burns a little brighter. “I- thank you.”
“Hm?” Regulus kisses him again, running his fingers through his hair. “For what?”
“No one’s ever- I mean-” James’s lashes flutter behind his glasses. “No one’s ever wanted me before.”
Regulus’s heart clenches as he stares down at him. “That’s because they’re all fucking idiots.”
James opens his mouth but no sound comes out. After a moment he closes it, obviously at a loss for words. Regulus looks him over once more then returns to his spot on the grass next to him, resting his head on James’s shoulder.
“I should be thanking you,” he says after a moment.
“Why’s that?”
Regulus lets himself smile, though James can't see it. “I was having a bad day. I’m… not, anymore.”
“Why was it so bad?”
Regulus thinks of the tears on Dorcas’s lashes as she walked away from him down that hallway. “Just some… friend stuff. Or. I don’t know. Tensions.”
“Because?”
“Let’s not.” Regulus shakes his head, the motion as small as he can make it. “Not right now.”
James lets out a breath, nodding. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. We can talk later. We have to, anyway.”
Regulus feels that dark sense of dread rise again before he shoves it down. It’s a beautiful day and James is so warm and right here, and he doesn’t want anything tainting this moment. He turns, tipping more of his face into James’s shoulder. He closes his eyes, breathing in his scent and letting himself feel the warmth radiating through his shirt.
It’s alright, he tells himself. You can have this. You can have this moment.
It’ll come crashing down soon enough.
In the meantime, Regulus just focuses on aligning his breaths with James’s, syncing the beat of their hearts. It’s slow and comfortable.
Soft.