No Job
“It’s just two days, yeah?” Sirius catches Remus’s eye across the train compartment and Remus nods, forcing himself to look away.
“Hopefully. It’ll be quick.”
“They should’ve just canceled school.” James throws his head back against the seat rest, frowning.
“That would feel like a bit of an overreaction wouldn’t it?” Peter asks.
Sirius frowns at him. “Not really, Mate. I get why the parents are concerned. I mean- kids are dying. Actively. They sent everyone home the year Myrtle died, or so McGonagal says.”
“Yeah, but that was here. And there was an active threat in that situation.”
“But it’s still a school, you know? And what do you mean there’s no active threat?”
Peter doesn’t sit up, simply twisting his head to look at Sirius. “Oh- you know. After the conversation I had with Moony I was just thinking. And, well, it wouldn’t make sense for Voldemort to attack a school that has so many of his cronies.”
Sirius stiffens, and Remus finds himself examining every line of tension across his body. “But there are no, like, actual death eaters here. Just supporters.”
James presses his lips together, saying nothing. His face stays stoney, and when Remus attempts to catch his eye, he looks away.
“What about Crouch, and his lot?” Peter gestures lazily. “I guarantee if they’ve met the Dark Lord once or twice.”
Sirius runs a hand through his hair- a nervous tick. “Voldemort, Pete, not the Dark Lord. And hell, I’ve met him. Sure it wasn’t very pleasant, and I didn’t end up a death eater, but I don’t think we can compare just meeting him to being loyal.”
Peter’s eyes narrow slightly. “You’ve met him?”
Sirius looks at his feet. Runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah.”
Remus tilts his head softly. “What was he like?”
Sirius’s eyes snap up to meet his, and Remus ignores the resulting thrill that shoots down his spine. “Terrifying.” Sirius laughs, though it lacks humor. “Really fucking scary. He didn’t say much, just asked for my name, but still. I don’t know how his followers stand it. His presence is just so…” He trails off hesitantly. “I can’t even explain it.”
“Yes, well, we aren’t really holding his followers to the highest standards of excellence, are we?” Peter traces shapes into the condensation on the window.
“No. I suppose anyone regularly talking to him is already fucked up enough to bear it. Still, though,” Sirius shivers. “His voice.”
“I’m going to the loo,” James mutters, standing suddenly. The door slides shut with a bang behind him, leaving the rest of the compartment silent. Remus watches him go, knowing exactly what- or who- he’s thinking about.
“That was odd.” Sirius murmurs, staring after him.
“You think he’s ok?” Peter asks, furrowing his brow.
“He’s fine.” Remus rubs his eyes.
Peter sends the door one last glance before leaning forward conspiratorially. “I’ve been meaning to ask- who do you guys think his mystery lover is?”
Uh oh.
“I genuinely have no idea.” Sirius crosses his arms, eyes sparkling. “It can’t be someone in Gryffindor, right? We’d know.”
“Probably Ravenclaw, then? I feel like James likes them smart.” Peter smiles. “If Lily’s anything to go off of.”
“You think he’d just find someone that reminds him of Lily? Why not just stick to her, then?”
Peter kisses his teeth. “True. Good point. Hufflepuff then?”
“No, I’m not saying we should overrule Ravenclaws altogether. I’m just saying we shouldn’t only go off of traits he likes in Lily.”
Peter finds Remus’s eyes. “What do you think, Moony?”
“Huh?”
“Who do you think James’s mystery lover is?”
“Oh. Uh, I don’t know.”
“Boring.”
The door slides back open and James steps through. Everyone goes quiet, and James pauses, staring at them. “...What?”
Sirius starts first, leaning forward. “James, you have to tell us who you’re seeing. You must.”
James’s eyes go wide and they instantly shoot to Remus’s; a silent question. He subtly shakes his head and James looks back at Sirius. “Absolutely not.”
“Why, though?”
“He doesn’t want anyone to know.” James shrugs.
Remus, despite himself, snorts. He smirks, wondering if James knows how much of an understatement that is. He can still feel Regulus’s wand pressed under his chin and hear whispered threats filling a quiet hallway.
James shoots him a look and Remus tries to disguise it as a cough, bringing his hand up. He winces apologetically. “Ok. My turn.”
He stands and pushes past James, clapping him on the shoulder as he goes. “Good luck mate,” He mutters as he leaves the compartment.
It’s hilarious, really, a sort of poetic justice, when the first person he runs into is a certain curly-haired stoney-faced Slytherin. Regulus’s eyes lock on him, inevitably narrowing, and Remus stifles a laugh. Regulus scowls and starts towards him, steps long and stiff. “Lupin.”
“Regulus. We were just talking about you, funnily enough.”
Regulus’s eyes go wide and Remus lets out another self-indulgent chuckle. “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe.”
“Good.”
When Remus goes to push past him, Regulus doesn’t move. Remus raises a brow. “Can I get by?”
“I-.” Regulus looks suddenly uncomfortable, glancing around. “I actually do need to speak with you.”
Remus grimaces, remembering the last time they talked. The memory leaves him bitter and mean. “Again?”
“What- oh. Yeah. Again. It’s about James.”
At that, Remus stands up straighter. “What about James?”
“No.” Regulus jerks his head to an empty compartment a bit behind him.
Remus sighs. “I’ll meet you there in two minutes. I have to piss.”
Regulus wrinkles his nose but nods, turning and disappearing into the compartment.
Remus, true to his word, uses the loo first. When he finally slides open the door to the compartment, Regulus is staring out that window with that perfect Black posture. Sirius slouches and bends, yet somehow, it always looks intentional. Never quite natural. The lines of his back snap into place when stressed or threatened; exposing the upbringing Regulus evidently never even tried to shake off.
“Ok. What do you want.”
Regulus’s head snaps towards him. “I- well.”
“Spit it out.”
“You’re the only one that knows James and I are… involved.” There’s a faint blush climbing up Regulus' neck.
“Alright.” Remus takes a seat across from him, lifting a brow. “Going to threaten me again?”
“No.” A faint muscle in Regulus’s jaw ticks. “I’m trying a new thing.”
“Oh? What d’you mean?”
“You know James. Fairly well, I‘d say.”
“Get to your point.”
Regulus grimaces. “He said something… before I left. I don’t think he even knew he said it. And I need to know if he meant it.” Regulus shifts uncomfortably, and Remus notes with a quiet fascination that this is potentially the most vulnerable he’s ever seen him.
“So why the fuck are you talking to me?”
“It’s like I said.” Regulus says. “You’re the only one who knows about us. I literally can’t talk to anyone else.”
There’s no warmth to this admission of feeling- just a cold sort of desperation. Regulus needs to know, and according to him, Remus has the answers. To him, it’s a simple emotionless transaction. “Fine. So what’d he say?”
“I- um. He said…” Regulus trails off, the flush climbing higher across his cheeks. Remus smirks, remembering what James said that first night he found out.
“Did he say he loved you?”
Regulus flinches. Hesitantly, with no small amount of regret, he nods.
“Ah. So… what?”
“He didn’t mean to say it. I don’t think. I’m not sure. I know James, and I know he would’ve talked to you about this if he could. So you have to tell me. Was it… I mean, did he know what he was saying?”
The underlying tone of uncertainty backing Regulus’s tone curls Remus’s lip up. “You’re- you’re fucking kidding me, right?”
Regulus’s eyes narrow. “What?”
“He says he loves you and you, what, don’t believe him?”
Regulus’s expression hardens and he looks back out the window. “James is a very good liar.”
And that, well. That’s literally the most ridiculous thing Remus has ever heard. “Wow. You really don’t know him at all, do you?”
Regulus smiles softly, just the corners of his mouth twitching up. He still doesn’t look at Remus. “See?”
“You...” Remus trails off, staring at Regulus. “You really don’t believe him?”
“He normally can’t lie to me , though, so for a second I thought he might actually…” Regulus runs a hand through his hair and Remus thinks of Sirius. “Actually, nevermind. No. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
He stands up quickly, moving to the door, and Remus catches his shoulder. “Fuck. Wait.” Regulus is flighty, Remus has noticed. He wonders how Prongs ever managed to pin him down.
“This was a mistake.”
“James means it.”
Regulus stills, not looking at him. Remus continues. “I don’t like you very much, and I don’t think you’re good for him. I think he deserves better. I get the sense you know that too. But regardless, James wouldn’t lie about something like that. For some god-forsaken reason, he means it.”
Regulus takes a little breath. For a second, he doesn’t move. Remus wants to see his face, though he knows that would hardly help. He keeps talking. “And I’m only telling you this because James loves so strongly. And he deserves to love someone that can trust that love. So if you two are going to do this… thing, I need you to understand that.”
Regulus takes another step, breaking free of Remus’s grip. “This was a mistake,” He says again, but it's quieter this time. Slightly distracted.
The stark contrast to their last conversation leaves Remus reeling. Going directly from violent threats to talking about love and relationships is a little dizzying. Bringing a palm up to rub his forehead, Remus sighs. “If you say so.” He gets the feeling he could spend years trying to understand the younger Black’s mind and it’d still be the most confusing thing he’s ever encountered. He gave up trying to understand what Regulus was thinking back on their second day of astronomy.
Regulus shakes his head with a bitter scoff, letting the compartment door slam shut on his way out.
---
“But everyone at Hogwarts is ok?” Effie brushes some lint off Sirius’s shoulder and picks up his luggage, one hand on her hip.
James rolls his eyes, doing his best to pretend like he hasn’t missed her worry and fuss. “Yes, Mum, everyone’s ok. It’s just Koldovstoretz that got attacked, not us. We’re fine.”
Effie frowns and huffs slightly. “It’s awful. There’s really nowhere safe, is there?”
“Well, it was in Russia.” Sirius offers. “So we’re not that close.”
“Still.”
“How’s Monty?” Sirius asks as they step inside. James stops to grab the rest of the luggage, following shortly after.
“Oh, he’s doing alright. A little on the weaker side today, but he’s probably just tired. I’m sure he’s looking forward to seeing you two.” She looks away, a long dark braid resting over her shoulder. “I think… I think he’ll want to have a talk after dinner.”
James pauses on the threshold. “Nothing serious, though?”
Sirius looks up, grinning. “Except for m-”
Effie and James both send him twin glares. “Shut it.” They say at the same time. Sirius just winks.
Effie’s lips twist in a way that makes James’s smile drop. “Mum?”
“No. Nothing too serious.”
It is, in fact, serious. Promptly after dinner Monty summons them into the living room and sits them down on the couch. He’s sitting in the armchair, a blanket on his lap and circles under his eyes. James and Sirius exchange apprehensive glances. Sirius speaks first. “Monty? What’s this about?”
“Just- just wanted to talk to you boys. I was going to wait until the summer, but now that we’ve been granted this time I supposed I would just… get it over with.”
Monty’s hands fidget in his lap and cold dread starts to pool in James’s stomach. “So?”
“Right. Well-” There's a knock at the door, loud and sharp, and Monty’s head snaps up. “Ah. That’ll be Ervin now.”
Effie goes to let the man in, and after waiting for him to remove his boots, escorts him to the living room. He’s tall and thin, face slightly gaunt. He has a leather folder tucked under one arm, slightly wet. James realizes it must be raining.
Monty shakes his hands and smiles at the boys. “Boys, this is Ervin Griffis. He’s here from the Ministry.”
James turns to his father, eyes wide. “The Ministry? Why?”
“He’s come to officiate my will.”
James hears Sirius inhale sharply next to him. Taking a deep breath, James forces himself to relax. It doesn’t matter, he reminds himself. Monty having a will or not having a will wouldn’t affect Regulus’s potions. It wouldn’t affect their plan.
“Do you- I mean- I thought you were making progress?” Sirius’s voice is shaky, and James instinctually leans into him.
“I am. But…” Monty’s eyes find James’s and James furrows his brow, confused. “In case I stop. I want to be sure everything is in place.”
Effie, sitting in the armchair across from Monty, gives the boys a sad smile. “It’s just a precaution, loves. Don’t worry about it.”
And she’s right, James knows, because he and Regulus are nearly done with the next potion. They’ve brewed enough to last all summer. And Monty knows too, because James sent him a letter warning him about its effects. So why…
Sirius shakes his head. “But, still, is it necessary? I mean, if whatever the Doctors are doing is working, why are we preparing for the worst?”
“Like I said. In case it stops.”
“But-”
“Sirius.” Monty cuts him off and James feels Sirius flinch subtly. He reaches over and gently takes his forearm, rubbing small soothing circles into the skin with his thumb. Sirius, after a moment, relaxes into the movement. “I appreciate your concern,” Monty continues. “But either way, no matter what happens, having a magically officiated will is never a bad idea.”
“Right.” Ervin sets down the folder, opening it with reverence. “Shall we go over the assets?”
“Yes. In simple language, if you don’t mind.” Monty chuckles. “I’m a little too tired to keep up with all your legal jargon at the moment.”
“Ideally, everything would be left to Mrs. Potter, including liquid and non-liquid assets. However, in the event that Mrs. Potter cannot reasonably collect, they would be split between you boys.”
He nods to Sirius. “Mr. Black would get a slightly smaller portion of the inheritance, simply because you have recently received your late uncle's wealth as well. Mr. Potter-”
“Wait.” Sirius sits forward, eyes wide. “Hold on.”
“We thought it was only fair, Sirius, since Alphard-”
“No, no, I’m not upset. I’m… confused.”
James glances at him and knows exactly what he’s about to say. Sirius swallows. “Why am I in the will?”
Monty and Effie exchange a look. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… why isn’t everything left to James? Why do I get any of it?”
Monty smiles. “It’s only fair, isn’t it?”
“No,” Sirius blurts out. “It isn’t.”
“Sirius-” James murmurs.
“No. Wait. I just showed up here and you took me in, I assume because James asked you to, and I’ve just been using up your food and your house and haven’t been paying for any of it. Merlin, I barely do any chores. Why would you put me in your will?” From the small place where James’s thigh touches Sirius’s, he can feel the other boy’s leg shaking.
Effie laughs. “You cleaned the entire house, top to bottom, the day after you came. When you’re around you do more chores than James, or me, or Monty. As far as food goes, you hardly eat enough. And why would we make you pay for it? Do you see James coughing up any sickles for his meals?”
“That’s different.”
“How?”
“He’s your son.”
“So are you.”
Sirius opens his mouth to continue but no words come out. He shuts it after a moment, staring at them. Effie continues. “And for the record, we didn’t take you in because James asked us to. We took you in because we wanted to, Sirius. You never deserved to be in that house.”
“I don’t- um. I.” Sirius twists to look at James, eyes pleading and wide. “I can’t-”
James squeezes his arm. He drops his voice down to a whisper. “Do you need-”
“Yeah. I need to get some water. Sorry. I’ll be right back.” Sirius rises quickly.
“Sirius-” But he’s gone before Monty or Effie can interject.
James lets out a breath, exchanging a look with his parents. “I’ll go.”
“Yeah. Yeah, that might be best.” Monty sends the Ministry official an apologetic grimace. “Sorry, Ervin.”
James finds Sirius in the kitchen. True to his word, he’s holding a cup of water. Granted, he’s sitting on the ground with his head between his knees- but James figures it’s the thought that counts. Slowly, he lowers himself across from him.
“Do you remember at the beginning of the year when we laid on the kitchen floor for a solid five minutes?”
Sirius nods, lifting his head to give James a shaky smile. “I was so mad at you.”
“Yeah. I might’ve screwed up a bit there.”
“I think we’ve both had our fair share of screw ups this year.”
James laughs, nodding. “You might be right.”
Sirius takes a long drink of water, exhaling slowly. “You want me to go back in there,” He says finally.
James glances back over his shoulder. “I would say we have about 3 minutes.”
“Lovely.”
“You know- you can stop treating yourself like you don’t belong here, Pads. You were born into the wrong family, ‘s all. But we fixed it. You’re where you’re meant to be now.”
Sirius squeezes his glass tighter. “They never hesitate to tell me that, either. It’s just… sometimes I feel like I don’t-”
“Like you don’t deserve their love.”
Sirius’s eyes flick to his, and slowly he nods. “Yeah,” he whispers thickly. “Right.”
Between the two of them, the words are nothing new.
---
During the second half of school in fourth year, James had found Sirius sitting on the South Tower roof. He’d just come to the Potter’s, turning up on their doorstep over Christmas break. The following semester he’d been relatively quiet and subdued- or the Sirius Black equivalent, whatever that meant. The Marauders had been worried, of course, but then again everyone was.
When James had noticed Sirius’s absence at dinner, he’d tried to ignore it. Tried to dismiss it. Yet there was something off- something wrong- ticking in the back of his head. He’d excused himself quietly, heart secretly pounding.
“Sirius?”
The other boy had twitched at the sound of his name, glancing back. He kicked his legs in the night air. “You found me, huh?”
James tried for a smile. “Missed dinner. Moony’s worried, you know.”
“Is he?”
“Mhm.” Carefully, James took a seat next to him. He made the mistake of looking down, swallowing. The height and openness of the night sent his stomach swooping. “What’re you thinking about?”
“Getting a job.”
James stares at him, taken aback. “What?”
“I need to earn some money.”
“Literally what for?”
Sirius’s eyelashes fluttered when he blinked. “My own flat.”
“...What? Why?”
“I can’t keep living with you forever, James. Effie and Monty may be willing to help me out this summer, but after that… I’ll need a place to stay.”
James let out a snort at that. “What are you talking about? You live with us now.”
“No, I mean for good. After this summer.”
James had taken a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. “Sirius, you live with us now.” He repeated eventually. “You aren’t moving after this summer. My parents would never kick you out. You could get old and die in that house and they’d just be happy to have you around.”
Sirius laughed ruefully. “No. They don't see it yet. Give ‘em a few weeks and I’ll be out for good.”
“...See what?”
“What a fuck up I am.”
James had gone still, letting the words sink in. His heart ached. “Why would they think that?” He asked quietly.
“Jesus James, even you can’t be that stupid. Look at me! Wherever I go, I mess something up.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know what you mean-”
“You said you mess things up. Give me an example.”
“The other day, when we pulled that prank on the Ravenclaws. It was my spell that backfired and got us caught. It’s my fault we have detention this weekend.”
James shook his head. “No. That doesn’t count. I want a real example.”
“I… I couldn’t stop that Slytherin Chaser the other day in Quidditch. Probably lost us the game.”
Again, James shook his head. “That’s still not an actual-”
“I abandoned Regulus. How about that then, hm? I fucking left him in that house with no one to protect him anymore.” Sirius’s eyes flashed. “And Monty and Effie might act nice right now, might say they want me there, but they’ll notice soon enough. They’ll see how worthless I am. Couldn’t even save my little brother, Prongs. Couldn’t even do that much. And if it’s not Regulus, then it’ll be my grades or my hair or the way I dress. And when they kick me out, I’m going to want a place to stay. So. I need a job.” Sirius had leaned forward out over the open air and James had grabbed his shoulder, pulling him back.
“Sirius, Jesus, stop. Wait a second.” James took a deep breath. “None of that’s right. Slow down.”
“I-”
“No. It’s my turn.” James leveled his friend with a steady look. “Regulus is fine. You shouldn’t feel bad for him. He hurt you, yeah? Someone that does something like that doesn't deserve all this fuss. And as far as my parents go, they are not Walburga and Orion. I don’t know if that’s what you need to hear right now, but it’s the truth. They will not think twice about your hair or the way you dress, and I don’t think they’ve ever once gotten mad at me for a bad grade. So you aren’t fucking moving out, you’re staying right here. Right next to me. Alright?”
Sirius had bitten his lip, swiping aggressively at his eyes. “I don’t… I don't understand why Monty and Effie put up with me. I don’t understand why any of you do.”
“Because we love you.”
“Don’t know why. It’s not like I fucking deserve it.”
James looked at him and thought God. What have they done to you? Instead, he took Sirius’s hand. “I do.”
“What?”
“I think you deserve it. So. Doesn’t really matter what you say, does it?”
“I-”
“No, sorry. I’ve just decided your opinion on this matter is biased and irrelevant.”
“My opinion is biased?”
“Oh, yes.”
“But you’re the one who-”
“-Loves you?” James had winked, wrapping an arm around Sirius’s shoulders. “Guess you’re right, Mate. But I don’t think I’ll be able to convince you that you deserve that love, so I’ll just have to show you. Unfortunately I get the feeling that might take some time. Which means you’re gonna have to stick around. Which means no moving out.” He stared at Sirius, long and hard. “And no job.”
“No job?”
James squeezed him tighter. “No job.”
After a long moment, Sirius had let out a soft breath and nodded. His voice was barely more than a whisper against the night. “No job.”
It wasn’t until much later when James had gotten a little older and understood a few more things about the world that he realized he’d never asked what Sirius was doing on that roof.
---
“Mm. Still haven’t quite convinced you, have I?” Back on the kitchen floor, James reaches over and takes the water from Sirius’s hand. “I’m working on that, by the way,”
Sirius laughs lightly. “Right.”
“Am I at least getting close?”
“You’re doing better.”
And while that's not the answer James wanted, it’s still a good one. His chest warms a bit, fuzzy and full. “My parents will try and convince you too, if you let them.”
“I… know.”
“She really fucked you up, didn’t she?”
Sirius lets out a breath, looking down. “Yeah. Yeah, she did.”
“Can we go back in there and un-fuck you up?”
Sirius smiles. “If you insist.”
Monty gives them a hesitant look when they finally sit back down. “Good?” He asks with a nod towards Sirius.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Sorry, Ervin.”
“Yeah, sorry Ervin.” James echos.
“Right.” Effie nods at the taller man. “Please. Continue.”
The will, like wills tend to be, ends up being long and far too complicated. James is nearly asleep by the time Effie finally ushers Ervin out. He binks himself awake, though, because he desperately needs to talk to his father.
“I’m going to bed. We can talk more in the morning, yeah?” Effie, returning from the door, sets her hands on her hips.
Sirius nods. “I’ll join you. I’m knackered.”
“I’ll be up in a bit. I’ll just help Dad get to bed.” James glances over to find Monty’s eyes already on him.
“Sure. Night.”
“Night.”
After Effie and Sirius disappear up the stairs, James moves over to the chair and carefully helps Monty stand up. Slowly and carefully they move to his bedroom, where James sits him down on the edge of the bed as he fluffs his pillows and organizes his blankets.
“I have to ask, Dad, why the will now? Beyond the ordinary precautions. Why now?”
Monty sighs. “I knew you’d be curious. Told Effie I’d have to talk to you about this eventually.”
James’s hands still on the pillows, the cold dread seeping back in slowly. “About what?”
“James, listen. I got your letter. About the new potion you want me to take.”
“It’ll be ready next week.”
“Right. James, I can’t do that.”
The dread is everywhere now, all consuming and bone-chilling. “What?”
“It would cut my magic off, you said? Or make it weaker, at least? Same with my body?”
“Yeah, but he said-”
“James, I need you to listen right now. My magic- it’s who I am. I can’t… I can’t just leave it behind. I built my business on it.”
“No.”
“James-”
“No, because you’re wrong. It’s not who you are. Not even a little bit. The potion would protect your mind, your consciousness-”
“And leave my body and magic emaciated. Is that right?” Monty grips the blanket.
“Yeah, but you’d still be here, Dad. You’d still be able to think and talk and-” James has to swallow around the lump crawling up his throat. “You’d be alive.”
“Is it a cure?”
James glares at the ceiling, trying desperately to keep a clear head. “No.”
“I don’t want to be a weak lump of human flesh that's confined to his bed forever. I want to walk around and practice magic and love you guys like I should. Like a real father. And if not in this life, in the next one.”
“Don’t.”
“James-”
“Muggles live without magic everyday. They’re fine. They don’t need it to be happy.”
Monty gives him a small smile. “It’s not just the magic, James. Look.” He grabs his wand, summoning a book from the shelf on the other side of the room. “What do I do when I need you guys to get everything for me? When I’m entirely dependent on other people?”
“I’ll do it.” James says desperately. “I’ll get whatever you need. I’d take care of you. You could depend on me.”
“No. You can’t give your life for mine, James. Not when I hardly have one in the first place. It’s not a life worth having.”
“No. I don’t- I don’t understand-”
Monty winces. “I’ll keep taking the actual doctors treatments. If they work, that's wonderful. If they don’t, maybe that’s ok. The potion would be too much James. I can’t do that to myself.”
“Then I’ll fix it. I’ll talk to Regulus. We can make a new one. Less severe, maybe.” James is rambling now. In the back of his head he catches the flicker of surprise on his father’s face at Regulus’s name, but he stashes it away for later. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with that slip up right now. “It’s the only thing that’s working. The only thing that has worked, ever, for anyone. I don’t understand why your dismissing it so quickly.”
“I have to stop, James. It hurts too much. I’m getting weaker every day, even if my mind isn’t deteriorating. It hurts. I have to let this go. So do you.”
There’s anger under the fear, hot and boiling and rapidly finding its way through the cracks. He can’t breathe, can’t push past the pounding of his heart and squeeze of his lungs. “No. Stop. You don’t get to do this. Not when we’ve worked so hard. Not when you have two fucking sons and a wife and a life-” And maybe he’s over-reacting. Maybe everything will be fine. But it’s the willingness, the ease in which his father speaks of death and giving up that sends him spiraling.
“James. Jamie.”
“You can’t do this. You can’t. Please.” He cracks, splintering into a million little pieces. Tears start to overflow as the world around him goes wobbly. “Please, Dad. Please.”
“Jamie, love-”
James crawls into bed next to him, wrapping his arms around Monty’s middle. He can feel his ribs under his shirt. “Please. Don’t.” There are tears rapidly wetting Monty’s shirt. James has never needed anything like he needs Monty to agree. Like he needs Monty to say he won’t stop.
“I’m- I’m sorry for whatever I did. I’m sorry that I- that I didn’t do enough. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, Dad.” His shoulders are shaking now as Monty holds him, sobs racking his entire body.
“Jamie, no. You didn’t do anything, love.”
“I must’ve. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” All reason effectively left him long ago.
Monty’s hand in his hair starts to shake. “Shit. James. I-”
He’d never heard his father curse before. James grips Monty’s shirt tighter. “Don’t go. Please. For me. If you love me, you’ll try.”
It's not fair.
He knows that.
And he doesn't fucking care.
Above him, Monty goes quiet. James can feel his breath, the rise and fall of his frail chest. “Alright.”
James lifts his head, blinking up at his father through his tears. “Al-alright?”
“I will take the next potion, James. For you.”
James is instantly flooded with merciful relief, succeeding in nothing but making him cry harder. “You’ll take it?” He asks, because he needs to be sure.
“I’ll take it.”
“Thank you.” James gasps. “Thank you.” He buries his face in Monty’s shirt, taking heaving breaths. His fathers hand continues to pass through his hair soothingly.
He can’t bring himself to move, curled up on the soft bed. Can’t bring himself to let go, either. So he stays, head on Monty’s chest.
It takes a while- a long time after Monty drifts off. But eventually, when his body manages to convince himself he’s safe, James follows suit. He falls asleep to the sound of his father’s breathing, stuttering and shallow but mercifully consistent.