Break pt. 1
The ride home on the train is quiet. Remus is talking to him, so is Peter. Sirius is decidedly not.
James tries to catch his eye, but never seems to manage it. He has to excuse himself to the bathroom multiple times, just to splash water on his face and take a few deep breaths. He wants to get off the train- but then again, it’s not like Sirius isn’t coming with him.
He opens his bag again, just to make sure the vials are still there. There’s no insurance that they’ll work; but it's worth a shot. Anything is.
At some point he goes and sits in the girl’s carriage. It's easier to talk to them, anyway. There’s no charged energy, no lingering guilt.
He spends most of the ride with them.
At one point, coming back from a frequent visit to the bathroom, James passes Regulus in the hall. He’s proper, aloof, and he barely looks at him. The epitome of a posh Slytherin prince.
But for a second there, as they brush past each other, Regulus does look up and catch his eye. It’s an acknowledgement, if nothing else. James clings to it. One person that, despite what he claims, doesn’t hate him.
When they arrive at the station, Effie’s there waiting. She hugs them both, and James melts into her.
“Hey Mum,” He whispers.
“Hi, James. We missed you.” She pulls back gently and smiles at Sirius. “Hello Sirius. How are you doing?”
Sirius gives her an attempted grin. “Well, you know.”
She nods, and James thinks she looks so tired. “Monty’s at the house. He’s so excited to see you both.”
“How’s he doing?” Sirius asks.
Effie glances between them. “James hasn’t been updating you? We’ve been writing often, probably twice a week.”
Sirius shakes his head, and James stares at his shoes. He can’t bear to look at his mother right now. “He hasn’t, actually. Although, to his credit, it’d be a little difficult to give me all the updates considering I only found out Monty was sick yesterday.”
Effie pauses. “James?”
“I’m… sorry, Mum. I didn’t tell him.”
“What?”
“He didn’t tell me.” Sirius repeats, crosses his arms. “I had to find out from your letter.”
“Why not?" She sounds tired and James wants to curl into himself.
“I don’t know, Mum. I’m sorry.”
She heaves a bitter sigh. Puts a hand on Sirius's back. “Let's just get you two home. We’ll talk about it later.”
---
The first time James sees his Dad, he has to make a conscious effort not to cry. He needs to be strong for him, the way he should’ve been for Sirius. There’s still time not to mess this up.
“Hey Dad,” He says, sitting down next to the bed.
Relief courses through him. Because Monty’s smiling, grinning, and his eyes look the same as they always do. There’s a green tinge to Monty’s cheeks, a hint of scales under his collar, but other than that, he looks alright. Relatively. He’s still himself, and that’s all that matters.
“James! I’ve missed you. The doctors wouldn’t let you visit, though McGonagall wrote and said you tried. Very hard.”
“Yeah, she’s probably sick of me for a bit.”
Monty’s eyes crinkle. “It’s hard to be sick of you.”
James’s heart hurts. “How are you feeling?”
Monty’s grin falters a bit. “Tired, mostly. A little sluggish sometimes. It’s just the beginning though, so none of the actually awful things have set in yet.”
Yet.
Yet.
Yet yet yet.
“Keeping your grades up?”
James grimaces. In truth, his grades have been slipping recently. He’s been a little distracted. “Yeah. Sure.”
“James-”
James cuts him off. He doesn't need a lecture. “Hey, I was doing some research, and I’ve… " There's no easy way to lead into it. James takes a deep breath. “I’ve been working on a cure, Dad.”
Monty blinks at him. “A cure.”
“Yeah. Well- not a cure, not yet, but it’ll slow it down. Hopefully.”
And then Monty throws his head back and laughs. James stares at him. “What?”
“I should’ve known. I should’ve known you wouldn’t let this go without a fight.”
James feels affronted. “Of course I won't!”
“Right. James, James, Love, this is an incurable disease. The doctors themselves haven’t been able to do anything. Why do you think you suddenly can?”
“Because the doctors aren't looking in the right places! And there aren't enough of them on the case- since the disease is so rare, it's hardly researched. It’s not about curing it, or stopping it entirely.” To his surprise, Monty tips his head, indicating for James to continue. “As I’m sure you know, the disease works in levels, taking over one and then targeting the next. And so we’ve found a way, hopefully, to block the first layer. To protect it, kind of.”
“We?”
Shit. “Ah- me and… someone else.” Idiot.
Monty gives him a look. “We can come back to that.”
“Anyway, will you try it, just for a bit? There’s five vials, one every other day, and… and then we’ll see.”
Monty leans his head back against the pillow, and James swallows. He wants to hug him, to wrap his arms around him and tuck his head in his neck and never let go.
His mother said he wasn’t allowed to touch him.
“I love you, James, so so much. I love how you cling to the people in your life. I’ll take your potion, but I need you to know. If it doesn’t work, that’s alright. I’m trying to find peace with this, and you need to too. Don’t get your hopes up, is all I’m saying.” James thinks of Regulus. Monty shakes his head with a sad smile. “Knowing you, you already have.” He’s right- it’s far too late for that.
James fishes out the bag of potions and puts it on the bedside table. “One more thing, Dad.” He fidgets with his hands nervously. “Can you maybe not mention this to Sirius? You can tell Mum, but only if you make sure she doesn't tell Sirius either.” More secrets. It’s never over. This one isn’t for himself, though. This is for Regulus. So… it’s different.
Right?
“Why?” Monty frowns.
“I just- the person who I’m working on this with doesn’t want anyone to know. Sirius included.”
“That crosses off Remus, I suppose. And Lily. They’re both still close with Sirius, right?”
“It’s not Remus. Or Lily.”
“I won’t tell. But thank whoever it is for me, will you? It’s obvious you’ve both put a lot of thought and time into this.”
“I have. I will.” James looks down.
“How do they know me? Can you tell me that much? Have we met?”
“Er- no. Fairly certain they don’t like you, actually.”
There’s a glint in Monty’s eye. “Ah.”
“What?”
“So it’s not me they’re doing this for, then.” He smiles. “It’s you.”
James stares at him, silent for a moment. That wasn’t right- was it? A warm bud of gratitude and… something else blooms in his stomach. “I don’t… I don’t know about that.” But he can't keep a flush from creeping up his neck. He’s not even sure why , but it’s embarrassing nonetheless.
Monty just keeps smiling, drinking in James face, like he’s trying to memorize every inch of it. James looks right on back. For the first time in his life, he wishes he didn’t ever have to go back to Hogwarts. He wants to spend all his time here, in this chair, next to this bed, talking to his father. Holding him here.
His mother pokes her head in. “James, come on out. Why don’t you let Sirius come in for a bit. There'll be plenty of time for you two to catch up later.”
Right. James takes a deep breath, sending his father one last look. Monty opens up his bedside drawer and gently pushes the potions in it, shutting it after. He looks up at James and smiles again, slightly teary, the corners tinged green.
James has to close his eyes against its force.
---
In the kitchen, his mother hands him a mug of chai. He leans into it, inhaling deeply. The kitchen still smells of green cardamom and freshly cracked pepper. He’s missed it.
“James,” She sets her own mug down. “You need to tell me what happened.”
“I didn’t tell him. I was going to, I promise, but I didn’t when… when I should’ve.”
She’s watching him carefully, with that piercing look of hers. “Why not?”
James thinks about lying. About telling her the same thing he’s told everyone. He takes a sip of chai, and decides he doesn’t have the energy for it. Even so, it's difficult to get the words past the lump in his throat. “It’s my job to save Sirius. I did, already, but I’m still trying. From his parents, from himself. I fix him. If he breaks, I put him back together.” He chews his cheek. “He needs me. And I- I want to be needed. I’ll be there, no matter what. Always.” Always . “But it can be so- so draining.” His voice breaks on the last word. “And that shouldn’t matter. I should just move past that. That’s what a good friend would do. That’s what I do, for the most part.”
Effie keeps her eyes on him. He continues. “But I found out about Dad- and- I just couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy that I needed to- to deal with him- not when I was still trying to figure out how I was feeling myself. So I waited, and told myself I’d tell him when I was ready.” He shrugs. “Guess I never was.”
“Oh, Jamie,” His mum says, reaching out to brush his curls back. “I understand. But he did deserve to know. Even if you weren't there to help him through it. He had every right. And anyways, he has others, you know. Remus, Peter. You aren't solely responsible for him.”
James nods. He knows. He knows. But- “Why didn’t you tell him then? When you first sent that letter? Why didn’t he get one too?”
Effie grimaces. “I thought you’d tell him. And to be honest, I didn’t have the heart to transcribe it again. Even magically- I was having a rough day. I knew how much it’d hurt you to receive that letter. I didn’t want there to be two copies out there.” She smiles. “I see now that I should’ve. I just assumed you two shared everything, including this.”
James frowns. “We do. We did.”
“This is the only thing you’ve ever kept from him?”
James goes to nod before pausing. He’s good at lying, but sometimes he doesn’t need to. “Not- entirely. But the others aren't mine to tell.”
She looks him over. He swallows. “I’m sure dad will tell you.”
Effie smiles and sets her empty mug in the sink. “I assume you’ve apologized to Sirius?”
“Many times.”
“Right.” She sighs. “Though I assume it’s hard to forgive when he still doesn’t know why you did it.”
James looks at her pleadingly. “But I can’t tell him, Mum, you know that. He’d feel like more of a burden than he already does.”
“I know.” She takes another drink from her mug. “I’ll talk to him- for now I’d give him space.”
James feels his heart sink. “Ok.”
---
Dear Moony,
How are you doing? It’s great that there’s no moon over break. Dad’s doing fine. Have you looked into your little wolf problem any more? I’m going to go to the library later and try to do some research. Pads and I still aren't talking, but we’re working on it. Have you told him yet? About your little issue? Also- you’re coming for new years, right?
Your beloved,
Prongs
---
Dear Prongs,
I haven’t looked into it. I’m ignoring it. Don’t feel like you need to either. It’s nice that you’ve been able to actually see your dad- I was a little worried they’d keep him quarantined for longer. I’ve told Pads, yes. He’s as determined to find a solution as you. I told Peter too, and he suggested some sort of herbal medicine. I told him after the blister-solution he mixed up last month, I refuse to try any more of his concoctions. We both know how that went. Tasted bloody awful, too. I’m still coming for New Years if you’ll still have me.
Thanks,
Moony
---
Dear Moony,
Always.
Yours forever,
Prongs
---
The first time Sirius talks to him, it’s late at night and James is finishing up dishes from dinner. Everyone else has gone to bed.
He hears the floor creak behind him and turns to see Sirius leaning up against the door frame.
“Hey,” James says, drying a plate and then wiping his hands.
“Hey.” Sirius looks down. “Effie says we should talk.”
“Yeah.”
There’s a moment of silence. Sirius runs a hand through his hair. “If I ask why you didn’t tell me again, am I going to get a different answer?”
“Probably not.”
Sirius exhales. “Ok.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
"Why the fuck- I mean- I was so angry. Both you and Remus... anyway." Sirius shakes his head. "Effie wants us to make up, or something."
"So do I," James tries. "Please. I miss you."
They stare at each other. Sirius’s face cracks, just a bit. “Can I ask you something else then? Will you tell me the truth?”
“Course.”
“Is it- Is it because you thought it was a family matter and I didn’t need to know? That it wasn’t my business? It wasn’t my place to get involved?”
James’s heart lurches. “No! No, of course not. Sirius, you’re a part of this family. I promise you. I should’ve told you immediately, but I didn’t know how to. I’m so sorry that I made you think- that that’s why.”
Sirius nods, and he blinks rapidly. “Ok,” He all but whispers. “Ok. I know you’re sorry."
"I am, really. I don't know how... I don't know how to tell you in a way you'll understand."
Sirius looks down. "No, I know. I've known. I shouldn’t have said that stuff. In the hall.”
“No, it’s fine. I deserved it.”
Sirius cracks a smile. “A little. Anyway; it’s not like you’re good at keeping secrets from me. I knew something was off these past few weeks.”
“Oh yeah, sure.”
“I did! I swear!”
James flicks water at him, and Sirius pounces on him, tackling him to the ground. They’re both breathless and laughing by the time they roll off each other and lay side by side on the kitchen floor.
There’s a moment’s silence. “I just want him to be ok,” Sirius whispers, and James sucks in a breath.
“Me too.”
“Will he? Will he be ok?”
James shuts his eyes tightly, rests a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “Yes. He will.” He remembers his Dad’s words. “We won’t let him go without a fight.”
“Alphrad. Um. Alphrad died, two days ago.”
Shit.
“Sirius, I’m so sorry. That's awful.” Next to him, he feels Sirius take a deep breath. When he looks over, he notices quiet tears running down his cheeks.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose them both. And oh god- now Moony too.”
“They’ll both be fine.” James takes a breath. “When’s the funeral?”
“I’m- I’m not sure. I’m not sure I'm invited, either.” Sirius runs a hand over his face. “I was going to write- but I’m sure Reg already knows.”
“Probably.”
More quiet. The motion light above them goes off. Total darkness.
“This is my first break away from that place.” Sirius whispers.
James forces himself to swallow. “He’ll be ok.”
“I don’t care if he is or isn't. He chose to stay, he can deal with the consequences.” Sirius’s words are angry, but there’s a hint of fear, buried deep. “It’s like I said- what, like a month ago? He’s fine. Remember when I used to come to school covered in bruises? His skin is clean.”
Oh- oh no. “What do you mean?”
Sirius continues. “I told you. He let me take those punishments for him- and I’m starting to think I never needed to.”
James thinks about the magic that flickers when Regulus gets distracted. The extra layer, the glamour. The sight of a bruise, there one second, gone the next. Sirius doesn’t know. How?
Either way, it’s not James’s place to tell him.
“I guess we’ll see,” He says softly. “When we get back to school.”
“I guess so.”
And just like that, James and Sirius are James and Sirius again. Nearly all traces of the fight are gone, except a slight lingering tension, hanging in the air around them.
They don’t talk about it.
---
New year's eve comes and goes in a burst of light and laughter, and Monty takes the last potion. He gives the vial back to James and smiles. “I'll send you a letter. Tell you what the doctors say.”
“Right. Thank you, Dad.”
When it’s time to go, James sits by his bed till the last possible second. He isn’t ready to say goodbye yet.
It’s ok, he tells himself. If they do this right, he’ll never have to.
Silently, as he packs up his trunk, he wonders how Regulus’s break has been.
The hopeful part of him wants it to be going well.
The realistic part knows it's not.