Ivan’s black sorrow and his teal colored heart
Ivan thinks he would like to imagine a world where his love looks at him with awe-filled eyes instead of someone else, but he’s never been quite as creative as Till.
He often finds himself wandering the depths of his mind and asking himself, How can somebody be so full of life in a place where everything’s better off dead?
The question sounds and resounds in a forever harmonious chorus. It sings, dances, begs to be heard, to be acknowledged. Ivan finds he quite relates to it, so he holds it and squeezes it in fear of being left again. Alone. To rot.
Ivan thinks about death, sometimes. Most times about how peaceful it sounds; eventually, about how lonely it sounds. He wonders if he would be better off dead, but dreads that it is his ultimate fate to leave this world like that. He doesn’t believe himself capable of leaving it, not in Anakt Garden. Not by his own hand. It would be too sad of a fate to live in infinity and not be able to see Till’s face again.
He wonders if Till has the same kind of thoughts he does. He wonders if Mizi is the reason he hadn’t given in as of now.
Ivan hopes not. He’d rather not think about it.
And yet the question hangs above his head like a question mark and follows him around the garden. It is but a shadow, one Ivan himself doesn’t bother paying attention to, most of the time. It’s never not there, though, just like his feelings for Till.
Now, that’s a funny thought.
Ivan doesn’t linger on it. Many other things need his attention, like how to get into the rooms they keep Till in, how to undo his bindings, how to leave Anakt Garden and which ways to go. And last, but not least, how to convince Till to come with him.
He doesn’t know if it will work. He doesn’t expect it to work, either. Not the escape plan itself, but the convincing Till part. He has countermeasures to take in case that happens.
(Going back with Till, of course. As smart as Ivan is, he can only do so much at the face of his love
Among all his intelligence, he’s always been a little stupid, anyway)