Let's Get Judged
It's Presentation Day, which also means Gauntlet Day, and the last set of challenges before Threshing.
We don't eat anything at breakfast, but Xaden has me sit at the table. He stands behind me braiding parts of my hair, and pulling it all back into a ponytail. I'm surprised he remembers how to do it. Back home both he and Garrick have both been roped into helping me get ready countless time. It's sweet that he remembers how to do my hair.
I grab three muffins before we leave, stuffing them into different pouches. Last thing we need is Garrick's stomach rumbling while surrounded by dragons.
We're all outside in a huge crowd, the noise doesn't bother me as much as it did the first day. I've figured out how the rune works, once I bond and start channelling it'll be even easier though. Once our squad is called up, we get into the same order we've always run the Gauntlet in, only for our Squad Leader to send us three to the end.
"I'll go last." They don't argue, and I'm relieved. I know they'll clear the obstacles without issue, which means they won't mess my time up.
It also because one of us needs to make it through, and if I don't, well I trust my two friends to do something idiotic about it. Not that I would be any better. I'd see the job through, but once it was done, I'd run to Malek's gates. Garrick goes first. As we wait the sixty seconds for Xaden to go, he grabs my hand giving it a squeeze.
"I'll see you up there." It's not a question, it's a statement, a promise.
"You will." I echo back, and then its his turn. We've run the Gauntlet as many times as we possibly could. I know each of us could do it, but it only takes one misstep to cost everything. I try my best to focus again, and once I start running, all I know is that I have to make it to the top. My feet fly over each obstacle, and again I'm relieved for all the training my cousin gave me.
I barely register crossing half the obstacles until I'm running to climb up the wall, I commit to my movements, and am pulling myself over as they read my time. Garrick and Xaden are staring at me stunned, and I look at them questioningly.
"You didn't hear the time did you?" Garrick asks as I walk over to them.
I shake my head. "Was it that bad?"
"Sunfire, I don't see anyone beating it." We're cleared out as the next squad is called up. As we wait with the rest, I pull a muffin out for Garrick.
"Eat." I order, before passing one of the others to Xaden. I tear pieces off my own to eat.
Our entire squad survived the Gauntlet, remaining the only one intact. I can feel it though, Presentation is changing that. We're the squad with the fifth fastest time overall, and I claim the Gauntlet patch over some guy in First Wing, who glares at me the whole time.
I didn't dare hope to gain it, but now that its in my hands, I just feel all the closer to my dad. Blake is the one to give it to me with a smile so bright it rivals the sun.
"I knew you'd do it sunshine, with the all impressive time of four minutes and thirty-seven seconds." Garrick and Xaden hoist me on their shoulders, as our squad cheers for me winning the patch. For a moment we are a unified squad.
We don't have to wait long for our turn to walk the box canyon that makes up the training field. Its honestly spectacular in the early afternoon sun, with miles of autumn-colored meadows and peaks rising on three sides of us as we wait at the narrowest part, the entrance to the valley. The leaves of the trees are all turning gold, as though someone has brought in a paintbrush with only one color and streaked it across the landscape. I want to sketch the view almost as much as I want to draw the dragons. Averaging twenty-five feet tall, they’re in a formation of their own, lined up several feet back from the path still all too close to torch us though.
We're told to get into formation, and I position myself behind both of them, only for them to put me in front. I give them a glance, but considering we're the last three in the line I don't fight it. Alic is in the front, and he motions for me to join him, but I pretend to not see it as were led away. Selena herself is taking us alongside her executive officer, Jason Everthorne.
She trails back, and I slow my pace so there's space between Annalise and I who's in front of me.
"I never thanked you for what you did." I say softly. "Putting us all in the same squad. Thank you." She didn't just take them, she also put all their biggest threats in the same squad.
"It was easy once I said I'd take the Marked Ones, they let me take anyone else I wanted." She says it with a bright smile, and I can see why my cousin fell in love with her.
"Still, thank you, I'm looking forward to the day we become family." Her cheeks flush, but she doesn't deny it.
"Here for you." She says passing me an envelope as we pass through a darker area. "From Alastair."
I recognize his writing on the envelope, he always made the first letter of my name extra fancy, the way he did his own.
I feel tears pricking at my eyes as I tuck it away. Out of everyone in my family, I was closest to him. Having this, it fills me with a sense of relief. Knowing that he was still thinking and most likely worrying about me. She's gone before I can thank her, and I know for a fact that I love her. If Alastair ever breaks her heart I'm going to kick his ass.
"Alright best of luck." Jason says from the front of the line. "Stay on the path. You walk up, you wait for the entire squad, you walk back down. You can't fuck it up.” He turns and heads over to a path before the canyon wall where the dragons are perched. We follow, breaking away from the crowd of first-years.
"So Alastair wrote to you." Garrick says from behind us. I nod, ignoring the urge to turn around.
"Yeah, the second we're done here I'm finding a spot to read it." I smile thinking back to the day I left. "It'll be nice to hear from him, even if its just a letter."
The line starts, and we give one another the suggested seven feet before following. I try to ignore the smell of sulfur, I've never enjoyed it. We pass dragon after dragon, talking quietly between the three of us. They talk about their foster families, Xaden mentioning Liam a few times. We are so lost in our own conversation that we don't even realize that we've been watched by every dragon until someone points it out.
"How are we supposed to get their attention when they keep watching the traitors and their whore." I freeze slightly, not because of the comment but because I know Garrick and Xaden are going to do something.
"Leave it." I say firmly, followed by the sound of weapons resheathing behind me.
"Yeah listen to your bitch." Before anyone can react a brown dragon torches Anthony where he stands. We all freeze where we are. The dragon turns to us, circling where we are, putting space between us and the others.
"Are you serious. They won't want her once they realize how much she spreads her legs." Mutters Bethany when the brown comes and nudges me gently.
Her screams cut through the air, as she's stabbed through by a blue daggertail. Her body goes soaring through the air before a large jaw snaps her up. The dragon is beautiful, that's all I can think when it's gaze snaps our way, her eyes travel over me before looking behind. The brown stays off to the side, and I chance a glance back.
Joy fills me for them. These dragons, they're interested in each of them. I don't even feel bad for myself, I'm just so fucking relieved that odds are they will bond. Although they have a clear interest in the boys, they both start sniffing my ribs. I'm embarrassed by how long it takes me to connect the dots.
"You can smell Plex." The realization hitting me. "My cousin's dragon, he gave him his scales to protect me."
Eventually they back away, and we continue on, finishing Presentation, with two less squad members than we started. As we leave, I feel it, some type of pull, whatever dragon is meant for me, they haven't made themselves known yet, but they're out there.
We're allowed to head back in as the rest of the groups head for Presentation, and I head for the Parapet. I sit hidden between the stone walls at the end of the parapet, where I had jumped down, and secured my fate soaking wet.
I take the letter out and for the briefest second hesitate before reading it.
So its your favourite cousin don't try and deny it Avari, we both know its true.
Selena tells me you've been one of the top cadets everyday without fail, she's amazing right. Don't tell her but I already have a ring, once she graduates I plan on proposing, I hope she says yes.
She has also told me about the incident, I'm proud of how you defended yourself. Gods know if I was there I'd have killed them myself, sounds like your boys have it under control though.
I know you're probably wondering why I didn't write earlier, two reasons.
- I didn't want to throw your focus
- I wanted it to mean something to you when you read what I write
Threshing will be the hardest day for you. Which means you don't let you guard down with anyone. Not until you bond a dragon. I'm serious, not even with Garrick and Xaden.
I know that goes against every instinct you have, and I don't care. You need to live Avari, and that means not being caught unaware. Sometimes the worse attacks come from your closest friends.
I would know.
I wish I could be there, to see you off before you risk death, to hug you, to tell you face to face how fucking proud I am of you, but all I have is this letter.
So pretend I'm talking to you and take my words to heart.
You, Avari Solaris, are my little sister, and I am so fucking proud of you, for everything you've accomplished. All I ask is that you live, because I won't survive losing you, and neither will our family.
You are strong, kind, stubborn, reckless, hot-headed, sarcastic, loyal, and a force to be reckoned with. You are your parents daughter, a true Solaris, and you carry your family legacy with an assurance that no one else could ever manage.
You will survive, I know it, as long as you stay true to yourself. I love you, and I expect to get a letter from you after you survive Threshing.
I believe in you, Avari. Not because you are a Solaris but because you're you. You have always been self assured in who you are and what you stand for, any dragon would be stupid to turn you down.
I'm going to stop here before Plex starts lecturing me about my worry again. He's proud of you too. I know you'll live, but gods its scary knowing you'll be going out there, and I won't be able to stop anything from going wrong.
You are my sister Avari, and I love you so fucking much, so please survive.
Love your brother, Alastair
I sit there reading it again and again. It's exactly what I need to hear, and I'm filled with longing. To see him, because knowing that he sees me as his little sister makes me realize all the ways he's been my older brother. He was the one who took a shit position for two years to train me for the Quadrant. The one to stay up late with me when my thoughts were too loud. The one who would put me first again and again.
He isn't just my cousin. He is my brother.
I'm hit with just how much I miss him, and barely register the tears. Xaden is the one who spots me, and they both jog over to me. They don't say anything as they sit up with me, both against the opposite wall of me. Garrick on the side closest to the open space of the parapet, and Xaden on the other side of me.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to be gone for so long." I say quietly, feeling guilty for making them worry.
"Nothing to be sorry for." Garrick reassures.
"He called me his sister." I say softly. "I didn't realize how much he cared about me until now. How much he took the time to understand me. I've never had that with anyone but you both."
They don't say anything, and they don't have too, I know they understand why this affects me so much. I have spent years feeling alone, only to now be shown that it wasn't as bad as it could've been.
"I have to make it through Threshing." I say firmly. "I have a letter to write." They both nod, and I know, that I will make it through. For them and for Alastair. For my family, for them. I will not just survive but thrive.
--------------------
The day before Threshing is a packed one. We each spend an hour before breakfast writing letters.
Xaden’s are to Bodhi and Liam.
Garrick doesn't tell me who he writes his to, and I don't push it. That's for him.
Mine are for Bodhi, Blake, and two for Alastair.
We all write ones for each other, in the event that we don't survive. It's Threshing and the reality is anything could happen.
I find Selena and tell her about them. Asking that if something happens to me, she gets them from the hidden internal pocket of my pack. She agrees easily, and takes one of letters I write for Alastair, promising to send it first chance she gets.
The rest of the day the three of us spend together. We reminisce about our childhoods, our families, and home. We talk about everything and anything, we just exist, us against the world. When we go to train that night, we take it easy, going over anything we're unsure of. When I spar with Blake, he and his friends give us tips. There's a weight in the air, but I refuse to be scared.
Death has been trying to come for me for years. Malek never lets it, I put my faith into that. We agree to an early night, and I'm in the dorm packing when Annalise comes up to me.
"Can we talk?" She says unsure.
"Yeah of course." I wonder if she's finally going to ask me if Garrick is into her. We head outside, out of the view and earshot of everyone else.
"I overheard something you should know." She gets straight to the point, and now I'm worried.
"From who?"
"The guy you blinded." I nod for her to continue. "Tomorrow, he plans on hunting you down, and killing you to impress a dragon."
"Yeah I was kind of expecting someone to want to kill me tomorrow." I say easily, about to head back in.
"Its not just that." She says grabbing my arm. "He has a group, they said before they kill you, they want to hold you down and take turns."
Oh.
"Who else knows?" Xaden and Garrick can't know this. They wouldn't dare leave me alone tomorrow. They could risk their chance at getting bonded for me.
"Just you and I." I nod grabbing her arms.
"Listen to me. No one else can know."
She protests because this is every girl's fear. "Garrick and Xaden, they can protect you."
I shake my head. "They can't know. If you want Garrick to live, to bond to a dragon, he cannot know."
Slowly she nods. "Are you sure?"
"I am."
We head back inside, and I finish packing. I'm moving on autopilot. I've seen the guy with a few others. I'd be up against maybe five of them, seven max. Those were terrible odds. I could maybe take on three or four, but seven, I'd lose that fight. I know if I try and sleep right now it won't happen. So I slip out, and head up the stairs.
I go up another level and realize I don't actually know which room is Blake's. So I turn around intending to head back to the dorms. Zinhal seems to take pity on me though because I run right into Gray. "Vari, are you okay?" He asks.
"Not really." I admit.
"Come on, I'll take you to Blake's room, Bruce is already there." That's how I end up in a room with all three of them.
"You worried about Threshing?" Bruce asks. "Because we've seen you on the mats, trust me you've got this."
I shake my head, sitting down on the space they make for me on the bed. "Its not that."
"You can tell us sunshine." Blake reassures, and I believe him, so I do.
"Annalise, the other girl in my squad. She told me that the guy I blinded, he plans on hunting me down tomorrow."
"You knew that would be a possibility." Blake says confused.
"I did. But she said that its not just him. He has a group that's focused on raping me and then killing me."
I do not expect the series of curses that fall out of Gray's mouth, nor the anger from Blake, and I especially don't expect Bruce's fist to catch fire. It takes them a few minutes to calm down, and I'm touched by the fact that they care so much about me.
"What do Riorson and Tavis have to say about it?" Bruce asks.
"I'm not telling them. If they knew, they wouldn't leave my side for a second. It would fuck up their chance to bond, and I will not be responsible for that." They all sigh in unison, but they know I'm right.
"If they're going to come after you as a group, you need to keep moving." Gray declares.
"He's right, its harder to track a target that doesn't stay stationary." Blake confirms. "Put as much space between them and yourself as you can, especially at the start."
"They might give up once they realize they can't find you and their time to bond is slipping away." Bruce adds.
"And if they don't?"
"If you think they're close, go for higher ground. You'll be harder to kill if they can't surround you, and with that crossbow of yours, you can pick them off." Blake says firmly.
I take a breath and nod. They were right, I could make it through the day, but there was just one problem.
"How am I supposed to find my dragon, if I'm busy playing hide so you don't get raped and killed." I need to say it out loud, so that it's not as daunting as it feels.
"Have you felt a pull or anything?" Gray asks.
"When we were leaving Presentation, I felt something. I know there's a dragon interested in me." I confirm.
"Okay so you put distance between you and them at the start. Then follow the feeling, but never let your guard down."
"Okay I can do that." They distract me after that, and by the time I slip back into the dorms, and into my bed.
I feel slightly better.
--------------------
What little sleep I get is anything but restful. I haul myself out of bed, the dorm is silent. A few girls are already awake and I head to Annalise.
"Hey time to get up." I say softly, she looks as tired as I feel.
I take my time getting ready today. I do my hair the way Xaden did, only I get Annalise to help me with the gold clips I sometimes wore. I would go into Threshing the same way I crossed the Parapet, feeling like myself. I brush my teeth, and wash my face, hoping that might chase away some of the tiredness.
I outline my eyes with kohl, the only makeup I'll wear today. Than I take the time to make sure all my jewellery is properly fastened. My necklace and earrings are always on, so I don't think twice about those. I put my anklet back on, as well as the bracelet and ring I always have on. Finally I slip on my armbands. I know the gold will catch attention, but I refuse to leave them behind.
I glance outside, and it's fucking miserable. There's going to be a storm for sure. I grab my jacket, slipping it on top of my corset. I retie my boots even if I don't need too. Its all for peace of mind, than its time for the most important thing.
I check over every weapon as I resheath them. I start with the ones in my boots, then my thighs, followed by my ribs. I slip on the belt that holds my gifted knives, then the other belt that crosses it with the pouches. Each one of those contains medical supplies. Then I attach the straps that keep my swords attached to my sides, and finally the hook that connects my crossbow to my left leg.
I leave my pack on top of my bed. Everything I have in this Quadrant that's not on my person, packed inside it. If I die today, it'll be easy to burn. I slip out three of the letters I had written, and head towards the turret where they burn the belongings of the dead.
I have never been there before, but I travel the route like I've done it multiple times before. I don't see a single person as I make my way past the rotunda and up the stairs. I reach the top of the turret, coming face to face with a burning fire.
"Hey mom, hey dad." I say softly throwing two of the letters I wrote into the flames. "I know odds are you don't actually get the letters I wrote, but I figured I'd cover the bases."
I sit on the ledge, staring at the smoke. "I know the past years, its probably seemed like I missed Xaden and Garrick more then you. Its true I did." I admit. "I love you both so much, and I miss you even more. But the reality of our lives were that I saw them more than I ever saw you. And they were still there, for me to get back too."
There were no tears to come. I've already spent them all.
"I know that probably makes me a shit daughter. Missing them more than I ever did you. But I spent my whole life missing you, its all I knew." I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I just keep talking. "I'm not blaming you or anything. I just figured you deserve an explanation before I die. I am proud to be a Solaris, proud to be your daughter. I can only hope I'm honouring you with every decision I make."
I get back on my feet glancing at the dancing flames like they'll respond. "I love you guys." I whisper before turning back to the stairs.
The walk back is just as silent. I have one more stop before I head back in. It takes me a few tries before I find the door Xaden carried me through. I head up the stairs, and through the second door. The room looks exactly as we left it, and I know we were probably the only ones to be up here in years.
I find a flat stone, probably from the wall, and pick it up. It's heavy enough that I know it'll serve the purpose I need it too. I walk out to where we had sat all those nights ago, and kneel down. I take the letter I wrote, and place it against the ground, putting the stone over it.
Once I'm sure it won't fly away, I get up dusting off my knees. Last thing I needed was my leathers getting dirty. I zipped up my jacket as the wind whipped against my skin. I'm starting to think General Sorrengail is doing this to fuck with our chances. I set off for breakfast intent on eating something, today was going to be a long day, of that I am sure.