Dine Out
Sirius is ready to leave at six.
Actually he has been ready to leave for the past few hours.
Of course, he feels excited about it but somewhere deep in his stomach is also a nervous energy vibrating. Sirius knows that it is nothing bad, but still, he is not particularly good with surprises. A therapist would probably trace it back to his childhood, and would connect it to his father’s unpredictable intentions. Sirius is inclined to agree with them.
But Remus would not plan anything bad for him, he tells himself.
Sirius keeps himself busy throughout the entire afternoon. He cleans the kitchen so well that Lily would weep, prepares croissant dough for tomorrow, sharpens his knives on a whetstone – and not the automatic sharpening machine because those absolutely ruin the knife long term according to Sirius – and cleans the entire kitchen again.
Croissants can be tricky to make so they are really the perfect distraction for Sirius. To make the perfect golden brown flakey crust, the dough needs to be folded several times and cooled down to the correct temperature. He has to add butter in a thin layer and make sure it never gets too hot outside the fridge when he is working with it. It is a pastry that requires him to concentrate and not rush, which is the perfect job to distract him. Sirius has never been a patient person. The only exception is cooking and baking.
Waiting for the clock to strike six is awfully hard, but carefully turning and cooling and folding the fragile pastry dough is easing his mind. He is completely focused on his work when Remus comes into the kitchen to get him.
“Ready to leave?” He asks and Sirius wonders briefly if he is underdressed.
Remus is wearing a dark blue, almost black, button-up that looks so soft and Sirius is desperate to reach out and touch it.
“Yeah, just give me a second,” Sirius says and folds the square dough one last time. Remus is carefully watching his hands cradle the dough as Sirius wraps it in foil and puts it away in the fridge for tomorrow.
“Your hands are very-” Remus says quietly before his voice wavers briefly. Sirius swears he can see a slight pink tint across his cheeks, when he looks up and they lock eyes. Remus coughs before he continues, “You’re very careful with that”
“With the dough?” Sirius asks and then continues, “Yeah, some dishes require a lot more attention than others.”
“You make it look very easy”
“Well, I certainly hope so. I’ve had years of practice doing the same thing over and over again,” Sirius chuckles to himself. Though there are dishes he has prepared more than others, he has practised the techniques required again and again, “I bet you make playing music easy”
Remus lets out a laugh as well and shrugs, “Yeah, you’re probably right”
Sirius quickly tidies the kitchen up and leaves his apron on the counter. He is not particularly well dressed tonight. Just his usual plain, but practical, clothes. If he had time to go home he would have changed into something nicer for their date.
Not a date, his brain helpfully supplies. He really needs to not think about this as a date.
Remus has apparently arranged for someone to pick them up. A black car is parked outside next to Sirius’ own dingy one and Sirius slips inside after Remus holds the door open for him. The windows are tinted to provide privacy and the leather interior is making the car feel pleasant but expensive.
Sirius lets himself sit back and relax as the car drives off to wherever. They are not going away from the city, that much can he deduce, but where exactly is still a mystery to him.
“You really didn’t have to repay me. You don’t owe me anything,” Sirius says softly, just to assure Remus that he is not in any way in debt to him.
“I know I know. I just wanted to,” Remus says, “I need to get out of the house more. See friends and whatnot.”
Sirius nods understanding. Remus is his friend and is dragging Sirius with him. It is an excuse to get out of the house. Somehow this realisation makes Sirius relax a bit more. There are no expectations between them, since it is just a casual event for two friends.
“We’re here,” Remus says with a smile, and pulls the door open, slipping outside. Sirius follows him, still having no idea where exactly they are. They have not been driving for a long time, so they can’t have gone that far. Still, this neighbourhood is not the same but it is familiar to Sirius. Sirius realises why it is so familiar the second he steps out of the car.
He knows exactly where they are.
He knows the place by heart. He has, after all, driven past it every single day for a week. He has dreamed about the place for gods sake. And now, the building of Fleur de Sel is standing tall in front of him.
“Are you coming?” Sirius can hear Remus ask him. Apparently, Sirius has just been standing dumbfounded on the pavement for an unspecified amount of time.
Sirius opens his mouth to say something but no words come out. All he can do is follow Remus inside where a host is patiently waiting for them.
The outside is spectacular, Sirius already knew this, but seeing the inside is something else entirely. Fleur de Sel serves a modern day French cuisine and is not only a one of a kind in London, but also a statement restaurant with two Michelin stars. But besides this, the restaurant reminds Sirius of home, or the home he ought to have. It reminds him of Alphard’s house, the only real home he has ever had, and of summers in France at his family’s estate. Those summers were the best. Sure, his parents only went there for appearances sake so they could invite politicians, diplomates, business partners and whoever else had old money to their name to lavish dinner parties. Sirius and Regulus were only ever there to keep up the picture perfect family. Fortunately, those summers also came with a lot of freedom which made it all worth it. Between shaking politicians hands and entertaining trade associates and their wives, Sirius had plenty of time to do whatever he wanted.
Fleur de Sel with its mix of modern and classic French reminds him of the few happy childhood memories he has.
Sirius can do nothing but stare at everything while the host shows them to their table. Everything inside the restaurant shows class and exclusivity. The lights are dimmed and the music low, which makes the place feel surprisingly intimate despite its size. On every wall Sirius can see paintings, big ones taking up almost all the space. They are all depicting various landscapes from the French countryside. Some with animals and people, others only with trees, sunsets and vineyards. Sirius spots at least one or two, which looks a lot similar to his family’s residence in France.
In the middle of the room hangs a huge glass chandelier with just about a million tiny crystals shining in the dim light. It is simply beautiful and Sirius wonders if it is actually real diamonds attached to the ends or handcrafted glass imitations.
The waiter leads them to a table in the corner, and as Sirius sits down he recognizes how quiet and private it actually is. Despite the big room around them, they are slightly sealed by a big potted plant. Next to them hangs a painting smaller compared to the rest. It is a beautiful forest in what looks like early spring with fluffy trees and colourful flowers in the grass. In the grass sits two men and a dog. They’re wearing what looks like old hunting outfits, taking a break from whatever hunt they are on. Sirius really wishes he could be as relaxed as them, or like he was in the car on his way over here. Fleur de Sal is way too big a dream for him to be dressed in a t-shirt and jeans and to just casually visit with no reservation in advance.
Remus probably requested the private corner when he made the reservation.How did he manage to get a reservation?
Sirius just sits there. His insides are a complicated mix of a million feelings, and his heart is beating so fast he can actually feel it. This restaurant has a months-long waiting list. It is only a few days ago since Sirius mentioned it in an offhand comment, and now he is here. Somehow Remus picked up on it and managed to make a booking. How did he do it?
And his thoughts prompt another question. Why did Remus take him here?
Well, he knows why. He mentioned the restaurant once. Remus knows it is on the top of his bucket list. Still, why are they here?
If Sirius did not know any better he would think it resembled an actual date. The romantic kind.
“Why-?” Sirius begins, but their waiter appears out of seemingly nowhere. He introduces himself, presents them both with a menu, and simply disappears out of nowhere again.
Smooth bastard.
This really is one of those fancy restaurants where the waiter knows what you want before you have even thought about it.
Sirius flips the menu over and casts a single glance at it. It makes Sirius consider if this is a date all the more.
The prices are missing from his page.
Fancy restaurants, like this one, will typically have two sets of menu specifically tailored to dates. One with prices and one without. Most restaurants have abandoned this ancient, and frankly a little sexist, practice and offer equal menus to people.
Apparently Fleur de Sel is not like that. This leaves Sirius in a bit of a tight spot. Is he supposed to say something? It is not a date after all, so maybe he should pay for himself? It will be difficult for him though. He can tell this is way above his price point even without the prices listed here.
He looks up and tries to catch Remus’ gaze.
He, contrary to Sirius, looks completely unbothered and instead studies the menu carefully.
“I was thinking we should pick the seasonal menu and their wine menu. It is eight courses but I assume it is smaller portions?” He says, like they could be sitting in just about any restaurant, and not the Fleur de Sel.
Sirius does not know what to say – or feel. The level of anxiety rising in his chest has steadily been increasing since he left the car.
“Uh, yeah. That is typically how it works. Eight courses and with eight different glasses of wine paired to the dish” Sirius says. His voice feels oddly distant like he is working on auto-pilot. Perhaps he is. This is something they learned in culinary school and he knows by heart. Not that he has ever needed the knowledge of how to structure a menu. Sirius has never had the authority in a kitchen to make such a decision.
“We should get that,” Remus says simply, once again acting like this is not a big deal at all.
“Okay,” is all Sirius can say. Still taken aback by this. He puts the menu down without even properly looking at it.
Remus is looking around the place too, which their waiter apparently takes as a sign to again appear by their table. Remus gives their order to him. Two of the fancy menus that Sirius still does not know the price of and two wine tasting menus.
Afterwards, the atmosphere is quiet around them. Sirius cannot wrap his head around this place. Remus paid attention to something Sirius briefly mentioned, managed to get a reservation to such an exclusive place in a few days, and is taking care of everything practical including payment. It feels a bit like a date.
Sirius decides he has to know.
“Remus?” Sirius asks to get his attention. Remus seems blissfully unaware of the turmoil taking place inside Sirius.
“Hmm?” Remus responds, still studying the painting of the two men and the dog next to them.
“Is… is this a date?” Sirius asks before his brain can catch up. He cringes outwardly. It sounds so childish to say out loud.
“Uhm,” Remus says and is finally looking at him again. He does not respond right away but instead stares at Sirius like he is trying to read him. Considering Remus has made a habit of saying things or answering questions before Sirius has even said it out loud, he wonders if Remus can actually read him like a book.
Sirius is not aware of time. It could have been a second or minutes.
“No,” Remus finally says. For a second it sounds more like a question.
No. No?
The words bounce around the inside of his head. Sirius inhales deeply. He feels relieved, really. It is nice of Remus to take him here but it is probably for the best. They are not supposed to be on a date. Remus is a world famous musician and Sirius is just his private chef. It would certainly make for a scandal. Judging from his conversation earlier with Lily, Remus does not need a scandal anytime soon.
But maybe, and just maybe, there is also a part of Sirius who feels something else. A bit upset? Or sad? Is he actually disappointed?
“Right. Good. Would be weird. I just had to make sure,” Sirius quickly says loud and clear, to confirm Remus’ words. Maybe if he says it out loud he can ignore whatever feeling is settling deep in his stomach.
Remus does not say anything and Sirius does not look at him.
Luckily, to break the rather awkward tension, the waiter serves them the first dish. It is fresh tuna tartare with grilled sesame, pickled radish and miso glaze served with a glass of champagne the waiter tells them.
Sirius takes his first bite and audible moans out loud at the wonderful taste. Of course, this place makes the best tuna tartare he has ever had. He quickly covers his mouth when he realises he actually made these sounds out loud.
Remus is looking at him and smiling into his glass of champagne. He does not seem bothered by it at all, but instead rather amused by Sirius’ sounds.
“Sorry,” Sirius mumbles embarrassed.
“I’m glad you like it,” Remus says simply and puts the glass down, taking a bite for himself as well. Sirius studies his face while he eats. He looks pleased too, but no more than he usually does when Sirius cooks for him. Even Sirius can admit that this is way better than anything he has ever cooked.
“How did you get a reservation here? And in such a short amount of time?” Sirius asks him. He has wondered since they stepped inside.
“Oh, you know,” Remus says and shrugs nonchalantly, like it is not even a big deal, “just pulled some strings”
Sirius scuffs, “Just pulled some strings? You must have had to do more than just pull some strings to get a spot here for tonight”
Remus looks thoughtful for a few seconds, “I guess it is the one perk of being famous. You really get to know a lot of people”
“The one perk?” Sirius asks him and raises an eyebrow. “Well, I guess the money is pretty good too,” Remus says teasingly.
“Connections and money? You sound like my father”
“What? Is your father a musician too?”
Sirius snorts. “Far from it,” Sirius says and contemplates how much of his past he should tell Remus.
His childhood is not exactly a happy one, and talking about his family life is really a pandora’s box. However, Remus was nothing but kind the other day when Sirius told him about Regulus. Remus is also a man with connections and there might be a chance he already knows who Sirius’ father is.
“He is in politics. I don’t really talk to him or my mother anymore”
Remus nods for a second. He looks around like he is contemplating his next words.
“Yeah..” Remus says and looks a little sheepish, “I couldn’t help myself the other day and well.. your family pictures pop up quite a lot online”
So, Remus already knows. Sirius can’t say he is surprised. He does appreciate that Remus has not been weird about it though, and lets him come forward at his own pace. Even if Remus already knew.
“Right. I can’t really escape it I guess. The media just loves a good story like that,” Sirius says and the champagne suddenly tastes a little too sour for his taste.
“Yeah, I hear you. It’s awful sometimes. I bet you have read lots of stories about me as well,” Remus says to lighten the mood a bit.
Sirius looks at him confused, “I haven’t searched your name online”
“Really?” Remus says surprised.
“Yeah, I haven’t really heard your music either to be honest”
Remus looks at him in disbelief.
“Should I look your name up?” Sirius asks and raises an eyebrow.
“No, no. It’s not like that. I’m just surprised, that's all.”
And it makes sense now. To bring up Remus’ past and ask why he moved there.
“I mean, I only really know what you have told me… maybe also what Marlene and Lily have alluded to,” Sirius says carefully. He doesn’t want Remus to get the wrong ideas and think Sirius is judging him or pressing him for something personal. He is really just curious.
Remus raises an eyebrow. He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. Considering his words.
“Remus, I…” Sirius says, struggling to find the right words, “I don’t really know a lot about your situation but it sounds like fame and the music industry is really tough on you”
Remus does not seem offended by Sirius’ words, instead he quietly considers what Sirius is saying.
“I wasn’t really in a good place back then,” he says carefully and looks down at his plate instead of at Sirius, “It was weird. I was winning awards left and right. I had the best streams and was on top of all the charts. I should have felt amazing.”
“But you didn’t?” Sirius asks carefully.
“No. It was weird. I was under so much stress, so much pressure... I was far away from home and suddenly everyone was looking at me. I could not even go outside without people hogging me...” He takes a second to breathe, considering his words carefully. Sirius stays utterly still. “I was nominated for several awards. They played my music everywhere and I was asked to perform at so many shows I lost count. But while this all happened my mom got very sick” Sirius feels himself take in a deep breath, clinging hard to the silver fork in his hand. “My ma was always very supportive of me and da.. He never really speaks of illness or hard times or anything. You just have to shake it off and move on. So they never really told me how bad it was. I was so busy I only heard from them once in a while, and even when we spoke on the phone it was mostly about me and my music,” Remus picks his glass up, takes a quick sip from it, and places it down again. Then he continues, “Then one very busy day I had this award show. It was an entire day. Get dressed up, take pictures, walk the red carpet, do interviews, eat dinner, mingle, accept awards, the whole thing. I had just left my phone with an assist, so I didn’t really see the many times da had tried to call me until late in the evening when I got home”
Remus falls quiet and so does Sirius. Despite not finishing the story, Sirius can already tell what it ends with. Remus does not need to say what his dad tried to call him about.
Carefully, and so gently, Sirius reaches across the table to where Remus fingers are wrapped around the stem of the glass. He places his hand on top of his, if anything just to ground him and offer his support.
“I don’t know what to say, Remus. I’m so sorry, it sounds awful” Sirius says. His throat feels so tight.
Remus quietly observes their hands on the table, or maybe he is just looking away from Sirius to avoid eye contact. Slowly he pulls his hand away and leans back in his chair. Sirius tries his best not to dwell on the fact that this is not a date and Remus clearly pulls his hand away from him.
“You should know, I am not a violent man,” Remus says, “But that night something just snapped inside of me. I don’t even know what it was”
Remus rubs his neck awkwardly.
The pieces are slowly falling into place for Sirius. It makes sense what Lily explained to him. Raging and trashing an entire flat seemingly out of nowhere. Well, at least Sirius has his explanation for it now.
“I hope you don’t think less of me because of that. I understand if it makes you uncomfortable though. You should know I have talked a lot with a therapist about it. I even moved back home to Wales immediately after it happened for some peace and quiet” Remus explains, “It helped me a lot”
Remus was supposedly on top of the world at the time this happened. Something has though as an unexpected death was sure to catch him off guard. While Sirius does not feel comfortable with Remus smashing an entire flat, it does provide context. He can also appreciate that Remus apparently removed himself from the toxic environment and saw out professional help.
When Regulus had passed, Sirius had not coped the best either and they weren’t even close.
“It’s okay. I understand. I mean, I think I understand. I had a lot of complicated feelings when my brother died” Sirius says, not sure what else he can offer Remus.
Remus sends him a small smile and nods, “I had a lot of mixed feelings as well. On one hand I was so happy about it, on the other I felt incredibly miserable. I also felt so guilty for, you know, not feeling as happy about it,” Remus says thoughtfully. It is very clear that he has thought about this a lot. “Anyway, it all led me to re-evaluate my life and priorities, and ever since I have been writing music for others. I never thought I would actually start writing for myself again,” Remus explains and smiles into his glass.
He seems happy about the decision to write for himself. Sirius can’t help smiling as well. The mood around him seems much lighter now and Sirius feels a lot better. The conversation with Remus feels like closure. Like finishing a good book.
“What changed?”
“Huh?” Remus says and looks up startled. Once again lost in his own thoughts for a moment. It seems to happen a lot.
“What made you change your opinion? To write music for yourself?” Sirius elaborates. “That’s what you’re doing now, right? Marlene said so”
Remus looks hesitant, and for a second Sirius swears he can see a red flush across his cheeks. It is probably the dim lights in the restaurant and the sparkly champagne he tells himself.
Remus never actually answers the question. Instead, he is cut off by their waiter arriving with the second dish of the evening.
A glass of floral white wine paired with cauliflower soup with chilli and white chocolate. Somehow the presentation of the cauliflower soup, which is not something special in itself, looks like a piece of art. Sirius almost feels bad that he is about to ruin it by eating it.
“So, I heard Lily was the one to recommend you. How do you know her?” Remus asks, effectively changing the subject. It is obviously something private to him and not something he wants to discuss.
“Through James, Lily’s boyfriend. We all went to school together,” Sirius explains, “I didn’t like her much in the beginning”
“Oh really? I must admit I really adore her. She has always been honest with me. Never shy of stating her opinion,” Remus says.
“Sounds like Lily to me” Sirius hums, “No, I was just jealous. I was best friends with James. Have been for ages really. Suddenly this girl shows up and he was more interested in winning her over than pranking the teachers with me? I was an upset teenager”
Remus laughs lightly.
“But I got sucked up in her charm too. She is a really close friend of mine now”
“Sounds like she forced her friendship onto you?” Remus says with a smile, sipping his wine.
Sirius shrugs, “Yeah, I guess so. It is sort of what she does”
“Yeah, I think a similar thing happened between her and I. Minus the jealousy of course… She just started working for me and thrust her friendship upon me”
“So, you’re friends?” Sirius can’t help but wonder out loud.
“I would say so, yes,” Remus replies smoothly. “And Marlene too? Are you friends with all your staff?” Sirius asks, surprised. He cannot help but find it a little odd. Shouldn’t Remus be friends with musicians or other artists?
Remus chuckles, clearly not taking offence to Sirius’ question. “Yeah, I would say so. It’s important to me that I can trust the people I work with. Friendship easily comes with trust”
When Sirius says nothing to it Remus continues, “ I value people who are honest with me.. Both Marlene and Lily are like that. You too,” He says and stares directly at Sirius.
Sirius feels as if Remus is staring into his soul. His cheeks feel warm all of the sudden.
“I’m honest?” Sirius asks, raising an eyebrow. The best he can do is challenge Remus’ statement in a pathetic attempt to recover from the heat in his cheeks.
“Well, you kinda told me off the first time we met,” Remus says all too casually.
“Have I not already apologised for that?” Sirius asks, a little embarrassed.
Remus does not answer but simply continues, “I don’t mind. Too many people are kissing my ass and thoughtlessly agreeing with me. It’s nice with a change”
Sirius just nods. His heart is still beating fast in his chest but it is no longer due to anxiety.
“So yeah. I suppose I am friends with all of my staff”
“Including me?” Sirius asks. His words come out way more careful than expected.
Remus takes a second to reply. He looks at him as if contemplating the answer, “Including you”
The heat in Sirius’ cheeks does not disappear but instead spreads down his throat and chest and finally settles somewhere deep in his stomach where it stays for the rest of the evening.