The Façade falls
The darkness that filled Sirius’ sight slowly faded as he regained consciousness and blinked his eyes open. He looked up to see the Potion’s classroom ceiling, then turned his head to see James sat by his side, the rest of the classroom empty, clearly having been softly emptied following the dramatic scene he had caused.
Noticing he had woken up, James shuffled closer to his side, “Hey mate, you alright?” he said in a hushed tone.
“Yeah. Yeah I’m alright.” Sirius replied, not knowing how true his statement was.
“How much do you remember? You took quite a tumble.” James asked, frowning slightly.
“Erm,” Sirius attempted to answer, but all he could remember was burning rage towards Snape and the vile flashbacks to his Mother’s actions. After a moment, James looking on caringly, Sirius continued, “Snape, Snape said something about Walburga, I can’t remember anything after that, it's fuzzy.” only half a lie.
“Yeah, you started panicking, you weren’t breathing properly then you fainted.” James informed him.
“Where is everyone?” Sirius asked, wanting to change the subject.
“Slughorn made everyone leave after you passed out, cancelled the lesson. He’s in his office with Snape now.” James replied, “can you sit up? Remus brought you some water before he left with the others. He wanted to stay but Slughorn would only let one of us.”
James reached down under Sirius’ shoulder to help him to sit up and lean against the nearby table leg.
“Trust me to miss all of the drama eh?” Sirius joked, attempting to lighten the mood. The fact that James hadn’t pushed Sirius to explain what Snape had said didn’t escape his notice. He wanted nothing but to keep that subject at bay.
As he sat up and took a drink from the cup of water that James offered him, Madame Pomfrey hurried in with Professor McGonagall in tow.
The two women crouched at Sirius’ side, Pomfrey placing a hand on his forehead and tutting.
“He doesn’t have a fever, so that’s a good sign.” She addressed McGonagall. “Do you know what caused you to lose consciousness Mr Black?” She turned to Sirius.
“I don’t know. I couldn’t really breathe properly.” Sirius replied, knowing full well the reason for his unconsciousness.
“I think he had a panic attack, Professor” James suggested, “he said he felt light headed outside, before the lesson, and after what Snape said I wouldn’t be surprised.” He supplied, observant as always.
“I promise, I’m fine, don’t worry. I think I’m just a bit sleep deprived or something, I need an early night, please stop fussing.” Sirius butted in, trying to avoid the awkward conversation he could sense was coming at all costs.
“And what, exactly, did Snape say, Mr Potter?” McGonagall asked curtly, ignoring Sirius’ protest entirely.
“He called Sirius a ‘Blood-traitor’, then he said something about Sirius’ Mother, him screaming or something.” Then, after a pause, “Something about her abusing him.” He finished abruptly, a worried and hurt expression on his face.
While James spoke, despite Sirius' attempts to block out his words, images of Snape’s cruel smile as he taunted him popped up in his mind, along with the images of his mother, with the expression she has when she is about to punish her son. A taught, thin lipped smile and a wicked glint in her eye.
McGonagall and James both stood up, “I will ensure the boy is sufficiently punished.” McGonagall announced, when Sirius flinched harshly at her words, she added, “Make sure you get some rest Sirius, look after yourself. Remember, my office is always open if you need anything, even just a chat.”
Pomfrey, finishing checking Sirius’ pulse, stood up as well, addressing the boy on the floor. “Physically, You are fine, Sirius, other than the evident lack of sleep, I would suggest you rest, visit me for some sleeping draught if you’re having trouble.” Then after a pause, she added, “I think that speaking to your friends might also be an ideal remedy.”
Both women turned to leave, Sirius and James waving after them.
The door to the classroom fell softly closed, James turned to Sirius, a serious but caring look on his face.
“I’m going to save it until we’re back in the dorm and you’re feeling up to it, but don’t think we’re not having a conversation about this Sirius Black.” When Sirius flinched at the mention of his surname James apologised quietly, before slinging a muscular arm over his best friend’s shoulder to help him stand up.
Sirius allowed James to lead him out of the classroom and away from the dungeons, lacking the energy to reply to his ominous remark.
“How are you feeling? Physically, I mean.” James asked as they made their way through the maze of corridors and staircases up to the Gryffindor corridor.
“I’m fine, James. Just tired.” Sirius replied, unable to muster up much more response. Since the ordeal in Potions class Sirius hadn’t put much thought to his aching joints but his body was reminding him of them now. A throbbing had begun in his left ankle, and his hip felt like it was jutting out at an odd angle, not quite at home in its socket. He buried the pain however, not wanting to make James more worried than he already was.
“Okay, can I get you anything?” James asked further as they reached the final staircase, up to the portrait hole into Gryffindor common room.
“No, I’m fine, I just want to go to bed.” Sirius replied, all he really wanted was for this day to end, he had a feeling it wouldn’t be as easy as just falling into his bed, however.
“Okay.” James accepted, the pair falling into silence as they made the last few steps.
“Centaur-toes” James announced and the portrait swung open, Sirius allowed James to guide him through.
As they emerged from the passage into the burgundy and gold warmth of the common room, Sirius heard a wave of whispers flow through the room, fifty or so eyes looking his way. All Sirius wanted to do was have the floor open up and swallow him. Usually this sort of attention would be an absolute dream for him, he loved gossip, especially about himself, but today, it was the last thing he wanted.
He saw Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, Remus and Peter sitting on the sofa nearest to the fireplace, close together, looking towards the new arrivals with caring expressions. Sirius managed to send them a small smile as he made his way past them, crossing the room, avoiding the staring eyes, up to the boy’s dorm.
He felt James’ hand on his back as he started to walk up the stairs and turned around towards him. “Thanks James, I just need a minute okay? You and the boys come up in a bit maybe?” he asked sheepishly.
“Of course mate, all the time you need.” James replied, happy to give his friend the space he needed. For now at least. “Don’t push us away though Pads?” He added.
“I won’t Prongs. Promise.” Sirius reassured his friend. James retreated back towards their group, glancing back towards Sirius as he continued up the stairs.
Sirius pushed open the door to their cosy room and took the two steps towards his bed before falling into the soft mattress with a sigh.
Situating himself more comfortably, he sat up in bed, leaning against the headboard. Sirius threw off his shoes and took off his outer robes and tie, leaving him in his trousers and shirt, top buttons lying open.
As he rubbed at a particularly sore spot on his lower back Sirius debated a potential course of action. He knew in his heart that he would have to come clean to his friends, no matter how much he hated the idea. In his head he knew it would not be nearly as bad as he had built it up to be.
The way his friends treated Remus when they found out he was a werewolf was proof enough for that. They spent a year becoming Animagus to accompany him on the full moons for god's sake. But Sirius just couldn’t relate that attitude to himself however. There was a reason he kept it from them all of these years after all.
Terrified of what was to come, Sirius began to consider the reactions of his friends. He knew they would be furious that he had kept such a huge secret from them, maybe they would never forgive him. He knew that they would think he was a coward for not sucking it up, for being so affected by his own mother. He knew that they wouldn’t understand, that they would think he was stupid for not standing up to Walburga.
Sirius had the distinct feeling that something bad, very bad, was about to happen. He felt that he was about to lose the only friends he had ever truly had. There was no way to avoid it though. Snape had made sure of that.
Just as he was considering various escape routes out of the castle, away from the notice of his friends, The boys in question walked through the door to the room.
“Hey Sirius” Peter began, leading the group, “You feeling okay?” he finished.
“Yeah I’m alright thanks Pete,” Sirius replied, sending a small wave towards his friends.
“So…” James said, sitting down at the end of his bed, “I think we need to have a conversation, Sirius.” He looked caringly towards his best friend.
“We’re here for you Sirius, whatever it is you’re struggling with, we can help. We want to help, Pads.” Remus added, taking a seat on his own bed.
Once all of the boys were sitting, looking expectantly towards Sirius, he started.
“I’m sorry I scared you guys, I don’t know why today has been so intense.” He raised a shaking left hand up to tuck his long hair behind his ear. “I don’t know where to start really, I’m sorry for keeping this from you, I guess if I told you, it would become real? Something I actually would have to deal with?” Sirius continued, not totally sure where he was going with his monologue.
“We are all here for you, Pads, whatever you need.” James said, reassuringly.
“Why don’t you start with what Snape said today, about your mum?” Remus asked, helping
Sirius out with the prompt.
At Remus’ remark, Sirius had to try hard not to let the images of his mother overwhelm him for another time that day. He abandoned any hope of escape, it was clear that he had no choice but to come clean.
Pushing down the bile that had risen in his throat, Sirius began.
“You lot know my family is strict, they’re a pure-blood dynasty of Slytherins and hate even the idea of diluting their ‘perfect’ bloodline.” He embellished his words with finger quotes, hands trembling. His friends nodded along. Sirius took a deep breath.
“I’ve always had a bit of a rebellious streak, even before I was sorted into Gryffindor, I used to be a nightmare for my parents at official events and family gatherings.” Sirius chuckled darkly at the memory of his childhood antics.
“My parents aren’t exactly the most forgiving people, and embarrassment is the worst case scenario for them. Their image is everything.” Sirius continued, not looking up from his clasped hands, bony fingers white from their tightness. He didn’t want to see his friend’s facial expressions.
“They made sure early enough that I knew what my rebellion would cost me. I was taught how to walk, how to talk, how to toe the family line and not get into any trouble.” another deep breath. “When I was nine, We went to one of my cousin’s weddings. After the ceremony, I decided it would be fun to try to convince the house elves to serve the adults olive oil instead of wine. My parents found out that it was my fault that four of my uncles spat their drinks across the room. That was the first time Walburga used ‘lacero’ on me.”
Sirius winced at the memory of his nine year old self screaming in agony as his mother gripped him by the neck and gouged huge slashes down his chest with her wand. A single tear made its way down his cheek as he recounted the event.
He heard James stifle a gasp as he finished.
Not wanting to stop for fear of not being able to start again, Sirius powered on. “It continued like that for the rest of my childhood really. I would act out, Mother would take me to the back of the house and hurt me either until I couldn’t breathe and passed out or until I screamed so loud she worried I’d break through the muffling charm she had placed on the room. Then she’d send me to my room without dinner.” Sirius chanced a look at his rapt audience, He saw the shocked and pained expressions they held while they listened to his story.
Looking back down, he continued “You asked me about my limp this morning. The last few years, I guess the damage has caught up to me, I’ve been getting general aches and pains, a lot of the time. It’s not as bad as the actual things Walburga does, but feels like, I don't know,” he paused, “like the after effects. Like even when I’ve gotten away from her influence, away from that infernal prison of a home, she is still managing to hurt me. Managing to dictate how I feel, dictate what I can and can’t do.” Sirius took another deep breath, determined to power through his confession.
“The Christmas holidays just gone, I spent most of the time locked in my room. Kreacher usually delivers one or two meals a day, if I'm lucky. The first night back, I made the mistake of mentioning our win against Slytherin. I- I can still feel my hot, sticky blood running between my fingers when I close my eyes.” Sirius held his hands out in front of his face, trembling, staring at the maze of blue-green veins that adorned them.
Taking another deep breath as he finished his story, Sirius looked up at his friends. Remus was pale and spellbound, looking at Sirius with all of the devastating sadness his scarred face could muster, Peter’s jaw was hanging open slightly, his eyes wide, and James, James had tears streaming down his face, pooling at his chin and dripping onto his lap.
“Why didn’t you tell us? We could have helped you? Supported you?” James asked, taking his glasses off to wipe his soaked face.
Sirius steeled himself before explaining, “In first year, when I was sorted into Gryffindor, I was so, so terrified. Every single Black was a Slytherin. I couldn’t even fathom what she would do to me. When I got that howler, I knew it wasn’t the end of my punishment, but you all were so shocked by it I figured you would be scared off, I didn’t want to risk losing my first chance at real friends. By the time we were close enough, it never felt like the right time to come clean, hiding it was easier. I’m sorry guys.”
Sirius looked up at his friends, sitting silently shocked.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Pads.” James sobbed, moving to sit at the foot of Sirius’ bed. “I’m so sorry we never noticed, I’m sorry we never helped you. I’m sorry we made you feel like you couldn’t talk to us.”
This was definitely not the reaction Sirius expected. He had expected cold judgement and distance from his friends. Thinking about it now though, he couldn’t fathom how he had got that idea. The thought that his best friends would be anything short of wonderful to him now seemed preposterous.
“Don’t apologise Prongs, it’s not your fault, I did everything I could to hide it from you.” Sirius reassured James, not blaming him in the slightest.
“Is there anything we can do to help right now? Can you get out of going to Bellatrix’s wedding?” Remus asked, jumping at the opportunity to repay Sirius for the help he had received himself.
Sirius’ heart fell at the mention of the upcoming wedding, dreading it intensely, but rose slightly again at Remus’ display of compassion.
“I’ll have to go, it would be worse if I didn’t. I’m seventeen this year, I’ll move out as soon as I can, I have enough money.” Sirius explained the plan he had held onto since his early childhood. The dream of moving out, away from the stifling Black home.
“Let me give you some of the remedies I have for the pain I get around the moons, they might be able to help you too.” Remus offered, gesturing towards his bedside drawer.
“Thank you Moony, I am sorry for lying to you all, I truly am.” Sirius addressed the group.
“Why haven’t you run away yet? If you have enough money you might as well have already, right?” Peter queried, not meaning to cause offence, but making Sirius flinch slightly.
“I can’t wormy, if I left they would just find me. The embarrassment of having their ‘precious heir’ run away would be unbearable. They have too much power within the ministry, I would be dragged right back. Even if I move out at seventeen I’ll still have to attend events and stuff. It's not as easy as just leaving or believe me I would have done it years ago.” Sirius explained, remembering the many times Sirius had hit his limit and considered taking a chance and running.
“The important thing is that we know now. We can be there for you, whenever you need.” James said, placing a hand on Sirius’ shin reassuringly. “Don’t push us away again Sirius, you need us, and we’re here to help.” The other boys nodded in agreement.
“Thanks guys, I can’t promise it’ll be pretty,” he paused to take a breath. “I have these awful nightmares, everything I try to forget about in the day, it all comes rushing back when I go to sleep, then I wake up in so much pain, like I’m right back there.” he confessed. “I usually cast a silencing charm over my bed so I don’t wake you up.”
“Oh Sirius,” James exclaimed, standing up to pull his friend into a tight embrace. “We don’t care how hard it might be, we will help you. We promise.” A chorus of agreement sounded around the room, warming Sirius to his core. He could never have imagined such care towards him, of all people, but here it was, holding on to him tightly.
“Thank you, truly thank you.” Sirius said sincerely.
“Do you need anything right now?” James asked, softly, releasing him from the tight hug.
“I think I just need to sleep, I’m so tired.” Sirius replied, stifling a yawn.
The boys slowly got ready for bed, Sirius crawling under his covers and providing a quick “goodnight” to his companions before pulling his bed curtains together and lying down. He turned over on his side and closed his eyes. He didn’t have to lie there for long as he soon slipped peacefully into sleep.
When he woke in the morning, feeling truly rested for the first time in months, Sirius was surprised to find no layer of sweat coating his back, no memory of any dreams, let alone nightmares and distinctly less pain filling his joints than the previous day. He smiled to himself, warm hope filling his chest.
When he sat up, he found a small pile at the foot of his bed. A small stack of parchment, covered in writing, entitled ‘Ancient Runes’, a small tub of yellowish cream and a note that read: ‘We’re all here for you, we love you Pads.’ At the bottom of the slip of paper was a name: ‘Moony’.