Remus would’ve never been able to predict the state he would find Sirius in on this Friday night. Sirius had told him he was going to the library to study for an upcoming test right when the group had finished dinner. Remus offered to tag along with him but Sirius refused and insisted on going alone. Which, maybe should’ve been Remus’s first red flag that something was going to go wrong tonight since Sirius rarely refused Moony's request to join him in study sessions. He was sure it was just because the boy didn't want to get distracted. The upcoming test was rather large and important so he shrugged it off and wished his boyfriend good luck with his studying.
While Sirius was gone, Remus played a couple of rounds of wizard chess with Lily. At around 9:15 pm, she left to go have a shower before going to bed. Remus started to get worried by around 9:45. It was almost curfew and Sirius hadn’t brought the invisibility cloak out with him, so he had to have planned to return to the common room. The librarian had to have kicked him out by now right? Remus picked at his fingers as he thought. Should he just wait? No- he’s just going to worry himself to death that way… He felt in his gut that Sirius had ended up somewhere he shouldn’t have. So, Remus was going to find the boy himself.
Remus made his way up to his dorm. Peter was in the room sitting on his bed reading something. He didn't feel much like talking to anyone so he ignored him. James wasn't in the room so he assumed he was in the bathroom or something. Remus shook his head and got back on track. He needed to figure out where Sirius was. The group normally kept the map in the drawer of Remus’s bedside table since he had the least amount of belongings to store. He made his way over to his bed and sat down.
He opened the drawer and was welcomed by the familiar sight of the map- well at the moment it looked as if it was a blank piece of parchment and it would until Remus activated it. The map lived in the drawer alongside a bottle of extra strength painkillers, which everyone insisted couldn't work better than any magical cures but Remus took them by habit at this point and he didn't plan on stopping. They work for him, and that's all he cares about. He also has about five different hand creams Lily has given to him over the years to try and fix his dry, borderline crusty hands. They had never worked and he genuinely just hated how the stuff felt on his hands. The pills and creams are also accompanied by a couple of pretty rocks he had found lying around the castle grounds and a love letter Sirius had written for Remus that he gave him for his birthday last year. Remus ran his hands over the letter with a smile on his face before grabbing the Marauder's map.
He took out his wand and tapped the map and said the words “I solemnly swear I'm up to no good,” The map sprung to life. He was about to open it before he heard Peter peep up.
“Whatcha got the map out for?” Peter asked
“Looking for Sirius. It's almost curfew and he's not back.”
“Oh- okay,” Was all Peter said before getting back to his book.
Remus opened the map to see where Sirius could have been. He was… with the Hufflepuffs? What the hell was he doing there? Remus thought to himself. He looked a little closer and noticed Marlene was with him as well… those two together alone always meant trouble. Remus sighed and looked at Peter.
“I'm bringing the cloak. When James comes back, give him the heads up.”
“Alright.”
With that, Remus grabbed the invisibility cloak from James' storage trunk. Typically, they would ask James before grabbing it but he wasn't there and this was an emergency in Remus’s eyes. He grabbed the cloak and brought the map with him in case Sirius and Marlene moved out from the Hufflepuff Common Room.
Earlier, Sirius in the library.
Sirius sat in his typical spot in the library. He grabbed all the crap he needed to start to study for this stupid test. He felt bad for telling Remus he couldn't tag along. Sirius did not want to be doing this right now, but he knew he needed to. If he tried to do it with any company, he knew he would just talk their ears off and get nothing productive done.
He worked for about an hour, rereading his notes and rewriting important information before a Hufflepuff kid came over to him. He seemed to be a couple of years younger. Sirius was pretty sure he didn’t know this kid, but something looked a little familiar about him. He looked up at him and moved a few stray pieces of hair out of his face so he could see him properly.
“Hey! You're Sirius Black right?” The kid said. He was a short pale ginger kid with these stupid glasses that looked massive on his face.
“Uh- depends who's asking. What do you want?”
“Did you hear about the massive party we're throwing tonight?”
“Mm, I don't think so, no. If I did it was probably in passing,”
“Well, My brother, he’s in seventh year, he told me to make sure some kind of cool people are planning on coming. So, You should totally come! We're going to have loads of fire whiskey.”
Sirius laughed a little, this poor kid was sent out to do his older brother's work. If his brother had to send someone out to ensure people were coming the situation would be pretty bleak… He has to go right? It would almost be rude not to.
“Sure champ, I'll be there. Where and what time is this thing?”
“In our dorm! And anytime really… uh-” The kid turned to look at the clock in the library, it's currently around 7:30.
“Come no earlier than 8:00? That should be fine”
“Alright, sounds good,” Sirius said with a slight laugh.
“Yes! Okay! Thank you!” And with that, the kid ran off.
Well, this wasn't how he expected his night to go but, he wasn't going to complain. He thought to himself, ‘Should I go back to the dorm and see if Remus wants to tag along?’ He knew the answer was probably no, but It seemed like the right thing to do. It's not like he was going to stay long though. He would just pop in… have a couple of drinks, and then go back to the dorm. He wouldn't even have to tell Remus where he was. He would, but- he wouldn't have to. Sirius could keep a lot to himself, but he never does. Remus just has a way of looking at Sirius that makes him incapable of keeping anything from him. Whether that be a deep emotional struggle he was having or what type of jam he put on his toast that morning. (Normally it was raspberry)
After a couple more minutes of contemplating Sirius had decided to not inform Remus of what he was doing. He was going to be back before curfew anyway. He sat around and finished up what he had wanted to get done with his studying before he got up to leave the library. As he was walking out, someone caught his eye. It was Marlene. He and Marlene had always been pretty close ever since the two of them made the Quidditch team in year two.
“Hey Marls! How's it going?”
“Not too shabby, how about you?”
“Oh, I'm great. I just got invited to what I think is going to be the party of the year,” Sirius said sarcastically.
“Oh my god, did that little ginger with the glasses come up to you too? I told him I would stop by. I felt so bad. I think his brother’s on the Hufflepuff team. Or, was at some point. His face looks stupidly familiar and he mentioned having a brother,”
“Shit, I think your right. I thought he looked a little familiar as well. I told him I would stop by, the same as you,”
“Sweet! It won't be such a snoozefest if you're coming,”
Sirius laughed at that.
“Well, we should probably make our way there then. Don't want to keep the poor people waiting,”
Marlene nodded and stood up from where she was sitting, and with that, the two of them were off to take the Huffles by storm.
Current time, Remus outside the Hufflepuff common room.
Remus looked down the corridor leading to the Hufflepuff common room. He saw a kid standing towards the end of the hallways near the stack of barrels that hid the door entrance. He walked down the hallway and approached the kid.
“Good evening, Sir! Erm- are you here for the party?” The kid asked Remus.
“Party? Uh- yeah sure. Can you just let me in please?” He asked. He was not in the mood to make small talk with a stranger. He just wanted to find his friends and get back. Which may prove to be difficult since the two idiots ended up at a Hufflepuff party. Since when did Hufflepuffs throw parties?
“Yeah for sure! Thank you for coming!”
This poor kid seemed to be happy that Remus had shown up, almost like no one had shown up all night.
The kid knocked on the barrels in a specific pattern, and suddenly the barrels started to part. A big brown door appeared. He could hear music faintly playing from the other side of the wooden door. Remus turned to the kid.
“Thanks, I shouldn't be in there long,” He said with a slight laugh before opening the door for himself.
Before reaching the common room, he had to make his way through a rounded hallway. As he walked down it, the music got louder and louder. He could hear the sound of people talking. Why had he not known this was going on? must have been pretty exclusive since Sirius didn't even tell him about it. Sirius told him about everything. He reached the end of the hall and was met by a big door. He grabbed the handle and opened it. He opened the door to a group of 50 or so people. They were all sitting around and talking. It felt more like a family reunion than a party. It was honestly quite cozy. The whole vibe of the common room added a lot to the cozyness as well, with all the hanging plants and fairy lights. Despite the amount of Alcohol being drunk and the amount of weed being smoked, the room somehow managed to still smell slightly of homemade bread and freshly picked lavender. Remus looked around the room in an attempt to find Sirius and his blonde-haired partner in crime.
As Remus looked he was taken aback by the sound of a woman yelling “Get off him, you whore!”
That sentence was accompanied by a loud thud. Remus whipped his head around and, sure enough, Marlene was the one yelling at a woman who, he could assume, she pushed to the ground. The girl on the ground had tan skin and long black hair. He didn't recognize her from this distance. Sirius was standing close to the two girls so he could assume he was a part of whatever had happened. Remus ran over to try and pull the two out of there before anything got worse.
“What the fuck! What we were doing has nothing to do with you, you skank!” The girl screamed back at Marlene from the floor. She tried to get up but Marlene pushed her down with the sole of her combat boots she almost always had on.
“Well! You're the one snogging him! He’s not on the market and I'm sure he told you that! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Marlene screamed back at the girl. She was now leaning over the girl, basically spitting in her face. It was at this point Remus interjected.
“Marlene, Sirius, come on, let's get going. Before this gets worse.”
Sirius was looking at Remus. His eyes seemed glossed over like we were about to cry. His lips were pressed into a straight line. Sirius always did that when he was on the verge of tears. Remus grabbed Sirius by one hand and grabbed Marlene by the shoulder
“But- I'm not done laying into this tart!”
“Yes you are,” Remus said sharply before he pulled the two of them out of the common room. They almost made it out before Marlene turned around and flipped the bird to the whole house.
“Your house is garbage anyway! And this party was lame! My Nan’s tea parties are fucking better than this!”
And with that, the three left and a slam of the door followed behind as they left.
“I'm so sorry-” was all Sirius said as they walked down the corridor.
Marlene was quiet. She could tell Remus was pissed. She didn't want to make matters worse.
Remus took a deep breath “Let's just get back to the common room.”
Time skip to the three getting back to the Gryffindor Tower successfully. It's around 10:30 at this point.
The three made it back to the common room without a hitch. Marlene had her eyes averted from Remus. She gave Sirius a sympathetic look. She reached forward to hug the black-haired boy. Sirius didn't hug her back. Marlene didn’t take it personally.
“Goodnight guys,” She said before turning to go to her dorm.
Sirius looked over to Remus
“Can we please talk- I'm sorry-”
“Don’t talk to me. I-, we can talk tomorrow. I just want to go to bed. If we talk now, I'm going to lose it at you.”
Sirius was deeply upset by this answer. What if he needed to talk? What if Remus didn't understand what had happened? Sirius didn't want that girl to do what she did to him. Hell, he didn't even really want to drink tonight but he just kept getting offered it and he felt bad saying no. He had to be Sirius Black, the party hard seeker of the Gryffindor quidditch team. Which was fine! He loved who he was but sometimes he wished he knew how to say no. After studying he wanted to crawl back to Remus. That was the plan. Whenever he’s away from the man for longer than an hour he feels his stomach start to turn. It's like he gets withdrawals from him, from his scent, from the way his eyes envelop him with such a soft, warm feeling. But now when he meets Remus’s gaze he feels shame. He feels like a kicked dog who has done wrong. He bit the hand that fed him and now he feels starved for the comfort he needs, but he won't be fed after doing bad. He didn't mean to. He didn't mean to bite. It wasn't his fault.
“You're not mad, are you?” Sirius asked quietly.
“What do you think?” Was all Remus said before stomping up the staircase to the boys' dorms.
Sirius watched him leave, He started to shake and bite his lip. He wanted to walk after the boy but his joints felt locked in place. He had a pounding headache and he felt dirty. He needed to shower. He had just this morning but he felt dirty. He wanted to scrub his skin till it was red. He knew he would pass out if he tried to shower from how lightheaded he was. Sirius always cried in the shower. He can't cry right now. So he will go to bed dirty. He took a deep breath and made his way up to the dorm room.
He opened the door and just as he did he saw Remus putting a shirt on. He saw the slightest glimpse of the boy's stomach. He loved Remus’s stomach. He loved every part of him. Sirius wondered if Remus felt the same way.
Sirius walked into the room with his head down. He got ready for bed without looking at Remus. Sirius slept with Remus every night ever since they got together so he extensively got into Remus’s bed. Remus at this point was already lying down and was facing opposite of Sirius.
The two lay in awkward silence for a couple of minutes before Remus spoke up.
“I'm sorry I was kind of harsh earlier. I still want to talk more tomorrow, but are you okay?” As Remus spoke he turned around to face Sirius.
“I don't know. I think I'm fine,” That was Sirius' honest answer. The longer Sirius looked at Remus the more it was driving him insane. He could break down right now.
“You don't hate me do you?” Sirius asked just above a whisper.
“Sirius, I could never hate you, I'm just upset-”
With those words, Sirius could feel a few tears fall from his eyes. He went to say something but found no words could come out. Remus leaned forward and pulled Sirius into a hug. Sirius let out a sigh of relief. The touch did spook him a little but- he was with Remus. He was safe. He's safe with Remus. That doesn't make him feel any less shitty though. He
wishes he could just get what he needs off his chest but Remus doesn't want to talk, and he respects that. He probably couldn't fully express what he needs to right now anyway even if they were to talk.
The two lay in a comfortable silence, well, more comfortable than prior. After what to Sirius felt like a short amount of time he could hear Remus’s breathing slow down. He assumed he had fallen asleep. He laid awake for what felt like hours before he joined Remus and fell asleep as well.
Time skip to the morning
Remus awoke first. He looked down to Sirius who was still passed out. He didn't plan on waking him up. The boy needed his rest clearly if he was still sleeping. Sirius almost always woke up earlier than Remus. Sirius pretty much every morning would wake Remus up before they all went down to the great hall for breakfast. Remus was quite content lying here. He thought to himself about what he wanted to say to Sirius and thought it would be a good idea to pinpoint why he was upset. He never used to do that type of thing before having big conversations with Sirius and they always used to end up in fights that upset each other more.
After he thought a bit, he concluded that he was majorly upset for two reasons. First being why did Sirius not tell him where he was going? Secondly, why was he making out with someone else? He was glad Marlene put that to a stop, but, come to think of it, she lost it at the girl Sirius was kissing. If Sirius initiated it would she not have been losing it at Sirius? Maybe she didn't see what had fully happened. Marlene was definitely closer with Sirius than she was with Remus but it’s not like she wanted to hurt Remus. She would've been upset with Sirius if he was cheating. Remus really can’t know what happened fully till he talks to Sirius but- he has a gut feeling that whatever happened wasn't good.
Having that realization made Remus’s stomach turn. What if kissing wasn't all that girl did to Sirius last night? And he was so cold with him. Fuck. Remus looked down at Sirius and shook him awake gently.
“Hey- it's almost time to go down for breakfast, you ready to get up?”
Sirius stirred awake and let out a groan.
“Okay-” Sirius said before sighing and sitting up in bed. He stretched and ran his fingers through his hair at the back quickly.
“I have a headache-” Sirius said bluntly before putting his head in his hands.
Remus sat up and looked around the dorm quickly. Peter wasn’t in bed. He must have been off somewhere. That's how mornings normally went when it came to Peter as of late. He was never in the dorm in the morning and he was the first to go to bed at night. Whatever- it's none of Remus’s business. James was up and was reading a book of some sort. He smiled at James.
“Mornin, James,”
“Morning guys!” James said with a smile then looked back down at his book.
Remus turned back to Sirius.
“I'm sure getting some food in you will make you feel better.”
“That's true, alright.”
With that, Sirius got up from bed and stretched again when he got up. Remus watched him as he stretched. He was so beautiful. His long slightly knotted black hair fell down his shoulders and cut off right at the middle point of his back. As he pulled up his arm to stretch the bottom of his shirt rid up a little and exposed a bit of his middle for Remus to see. Remus felt almost feral because of it. He wanted to jump onto Sirius and pin him to the ground and consume him wholly to be a part of him forever. Remus shrugged the thought off and just smiled and got up as well.
Sirius had grabbed his robes and brought them into the bathroom to change into. Before he got out of his pajamas he took a quick leak. Once he had changed, he looked at himself in the mirror. He grabbed his hairbrush and started to brush his hair. As he brushed he stared at himself more closely. He looked like shit. He had bags under his eyes. He had a couple of pimples on his forehead which he only got when he felt like garbage, and his hair was a little greasy. Which he couldn't stand. He hated how his hair felt heavy when it was a little dirty and he felt like he looked unpresentable.
As he criticized himself, his hairbrush got caught in a knot. He brushed it out aggressively, taking all his emotions out on his hair. He felt a few tears fall and he looked back at himself in the mirror. He was going to try and stop the tears but, screw it, maybe Remus would find him like this and feel bad. He should feel bad. Sirius doesn't want to be mad at him but, He has every right to be. Sirius is allowed to feel as he wants but why is he mad at Remus? Well, he just wishes Remus could be more understanding. Sirius knows he should have told Remus where he was but Sirius can’t go back in time and change that. Sirius really needed to talk to Remus last night. Sirius didn’t want what happened to him to happen. Remus didn’t know that. All he saw was the girl kissing him, but she did more to him. ‘She was pretty drunk though so it's not her fault- right?’ Sirius thought to himself. He was just being overdramatic. Just being too emotional. That kind of stuff has happened to almost every girl he knew and they all handle it with grace. Almost like it's expected. Or, maybe they don’t handle it with grace. Maybe they all do what Sirius was doing. Crying quietly so no one could hear alone in the bathroom the morning after.
At this point, Sirius’s face was covered in tears. His face was red and blotchy and his eyes looked as if he was high. He turned the tap on and spun the knobs so cold water was coming out. He ran his hands under the water and brought them up to his face to run the cold water on it in the hopes of calming himself down a bit. As Sirius did this, he heard a knock at the door.
“Hey, It's Remus, can I come in?” Sirius heard the boy ask through the door.
Sirius took a few deep breaths and cleared his throat.
“Yep!” Sirius replied. He instinctively put on a fake cheery voice.
Remus slowly opened the door and made eye contact with Sirius.
The minute the two met each other's gaze, Sirius felt his stomach turn. His face felt hot and his knees felt weak. Remus reached forward and gave Sirius a big hug. Sirius started to cry into the boy's chest.
“Shhh, it's okay, just close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, I'm sorry,” Remus said in an attempt to comfort Sirius, but he felt that he was getting a little choked up as well. A sob resting deep in the bottom of his throat that he tried to suppress.
The two hugged for a bit before letting go. Remus looked deeply into Sirius’s eyes.
“I told James to go down for, uh, breakfast and that we would be down in er- a bit. Do you, um, want to talk now? We sho-” Remus blabbered on nervously before Sirius cut him off.
“Yes please,” The boy said weakly.
Remus nodded, sat on the bathroom floor, and patted the floor beside him,
signaling for Sirius to sit down. Sirius did as such and leaned his head against Remus’s shoulder.
“Im sorry-” Sirius croaked out, Remus looked down at the boy.
“It's alright, I want to apologize as well. I was really cold last night and after some thinking, I feel like I let my emotions take over and I didn’t think about how you were feeling. I didn’t even care to hear what you needed to say. I just shut you down. For that, I'm really sorry, Sirius.”
Sirius nodded and sniffed back a couple of stray tears.
“Thanks, I don’t blame you for being pissed, I really should’ve told you where I was going. It was a really last-minute thing I swear. I was originally in the library. I didn’t want to go but I felt bad. I didn't even plan on drinking. I just kept getting shots shoved at me and tried to say no but people would just not let it go.”
Remus nodded. “See, I didn’t know that. I assumed you were pissed at me and lied about studying to go to the party and cheat on me, which isn’t what happened. Fuck- I really have to work on not assuming the worst and getting pissy about it. I'm sorry.”
“It's alright- I know you're working on it. I respect when you need space but- maybe next time when something like this happens and I tell you I need to talk, can you understand that sometimes I need to express how I'm feeling and what happened.”
Remus hummed “Yeah, that's a really fair thing for you to want from me. Can I ask you about what happened last night with that girl? I was really closed-minded about it last night and assumed you- were the one who initiated in it, but, is that what happened?”
Sirius could feel all the colour drain from his face at that question. His stomach started to twist and he could feel her hands on him again. He wrapped his arms around himself and brought his knees to his chest.
“I didn’t want her to touch me Remus-” Sirius said, his voice just above a whisper
“I kind of clued into that this morning- I-” Remus brought his hands to his face and rubbed at his eyes, he let out a sigh
“Remus- it was so horrible I was standing off to the side and she pinned me against the wall- I should’ve tried to push her away but my whole body froze and I just let her do what she wanted with me, I’m sorry-” Sirius sounded like he was begging for forgiveness. He had a few tears running down his face as he looked off into the distance in front of them.
Remus looked at Sirius frozen. He didn’t know what to say. He felt tears prick in his eyes and he wrapped his arms around Sirius pulling him into his chest
“You don’t have to be sorry- it’s not your fault” Remus croaked. He brought a hand up to rest in Sirius’s hair. He subconsciously started to wind his fingers through the boy’s long thick black hair.
Sirius relaxed in Remus’s touch. Talking about what happened is starting to make him feel better.
“Okay- I’m sorry”
Remus laughed a little and pulled Sirius back from him looking into the boy's eyes.
“You gotta stop saying that- you don’t have to be sorry for feeling sorry, it's okay.” Remus leaned forward and kissed Sirius gently on the cheek. A blush spread across Sirius’s face
“I'm not sure when I'm going to be okay again, but- I'm happy we’re okay,” Sirius said with a broken smile.