When I was your man
He was on the astronomy tower smoking and drinking. He had blood on his hands and his face because he got into a fight earlier.
“What happened to you?” I asked him worriedly as I saw the blood and bruises on his face. He’s going to be the death of me…I thought as I cupped his head in my hands
He looked at me with a cold expression “I got into a fight earlier.” He said in his monotone voice
“Theo, when are you going to stop being so reckless? You’re always getting into fights!” I looked at his cold expression and felt a pang in my chest. “What’s happening to you? Please tell me.”
“That’s none of your concern.” His tone was more serious than usual as he looked away from me.
I was used to his usual cold way, but something felt different, almost as if he was upset.
“I care for you; you know that,” I told him as I gently guided his face in my direction. “What is it?”
“Stop acting like you actually care.” He scowled. “The only reason you’re talking to me is because you want something from me.” His tone was more harsh than usual as he continued to look away.
His words were like a knife driving into my chest. I knew it wasn’t true; I knew I cared for him greatly; I knew he only said that because he wanted to push me away. “You know that isn’t true. All I want is for you to be ok!”
“Stop lying to yourself.” He finally looked back at me. “Just leave; you’re not wanted here.” His eyes were filled with anger and annoyance as he brushed my hand away from him.
That was my last straw. I looked up to him as my eyes watered. “I’m sorry if I keep imposing myself on you. I’m sorry if I cared for you so much that I’m overwhelming you,” I told him, upset as I backed away from him. “Don’t worry, I won’t force myself on you again.” With those last words, I walked away from him.
As I was walking away, I heard him mutter, “That’s what I thought.” Before he turned away to finish his drink, I heard the bottle shatter against the stone floor before I turned my back on him and continued to walk, but inside I was a total wreck. He had finally told me what he thought of me. I cared more for him than he cared for me. That thought was like a dagger in my heart.
The next week, I was sitting next to Theodore, my friend, at breakfast. I have no appetite to eat as I remembered what happened that night—the fact that Mattheo and I had broken up. We were in a secret relationship, so no one noticed or had an idea of what was happening.
Theodore is making me eat something because he is worried about me.
“You’re not eating again?” Theodore asked me, sounding worried.
I barely responded with a small shake of my head as I continued to push food around on my plate.
“You know you can’t keep doing this; you barely slept or ate all week.” He tried again.
Again, I just pushed food around my plate and mumbled, “I know.” He could probably tell how badly this was affecting me, but he didn’t know the real reason.
“Thank you for being patient with me, Teddy,” I told him gratefully. He had always been there for me when I couldn’t even handle myself sometimes. I side-hugged him to show my appreciation. “I’ll try to eat something.”
I didn’t notice Mattheo watching us from the end of the table.
Mattheo looked away as he continued drinking in his seat. He saw me hugging Theodore, and the warmth and care that filled Theodore’s eyes as he looked at me. It made me feel sad and happy at the same time. The feeling of being cared for by someone. Mattheo had never actually looked at me the way Theodore just did. If he had ever even looked at me like that, our relationship would have worked out differently.
As the day went on, Theodore and I returned to our usual dynamic as an inseparable duo. We hadn’t done this for a long time since Mattheo and I started secretly dating, as he was always jealous and possessive.
That day made me realize how much I had missed Theodore during the time Mattheo and I were secretly dating. He never liked the idea of me being friends with him and always tried to separate us as much as he could. That day made me realize just how much of the old me I had lost while being with Mattheo.
I finally accepted that Mattheo and I are maybe just really not meant to be, and how much I’ve been holding myself back just so I could balance what I thought he needed. In some cases, it was also my fault. I should’ve been true to myself.
On the other hand, Mattheo realized his mistake in letting me go. He should’ve treated me more than he had. With the new rumor spreading in the school about Theodore and me, he couldn’t help but feel dejected. He wanted me back. He wanted another chance to show me how he truly feels for me.
As Mattheo sat by himself in the hallway watching Theodore and me, he felt a mix of jealousy and guilt. He was jealous that Theodore was treating me the way he should’ve been. He was jealous because he knew he made a mistake by not treating me right when he had the chance to. He could see the way Theodore looked at me, and it made him feel ashamed of the way he treated me in our relationship. The rumor only confirmed to Mattheo that his time was up.
Theodore gave me a vision of what I was missing out on in a relationship. I deserved more than being ignored—the feeling of being cared for and loved for just being me. A relationship should be a partnership where two people work together. I never experienced that with Mattheo. I realized that it was only full of passion, not compassion. It felt like I was the only one doing something to make it work. Like I was the only one who wanted it. I now know that I deserved better.
Mattheo was still watching the two of us from a distance. He was feeling a combination of guilt, jealousy, and regret as he knew he had screwed up his chances with me. He was jealous of Theodore because he was getting all the things that Mattheo should have given me from the start. All his feelings of guilt came crashing down on him as he realized he screwed up and should have treated me with the care and respect I deserved from the start.
All he could think about now was what he should’ve done for me. He should’ve appreciated me more, loved me more, brought me flowers, held my hands more, and taken me to libraries, as he knows that I love reading. But now that I’m doing it with another man, all he can do is watch and regret.
Mattheo felt his heart break as he watched me do all those cute, romantic things with Theodore. Those are all things he should be doing for me. Those are all things he was never willing to do for me. He knew that now that we weren’t together, he would have to just sit there and watch me give all this love to another person, a person who actually deserved it, unlike him.
All he could do now was wish that Theodore would treat me better than he did. Because he knows that’s what I deserve.
Mattheo had finally realized the biggest mistake he had ever made, which was losing me. And with that, he also realized that there was nothing he could do about it besides sit back and watch me be happy with someone else, hoping that Theodore was doing better for me than he ever did.
~THE END~