Saudade

There are shackles around my wrists-
Concealing my scars.
Frozen behind faded metal bars,
Afraid in the sunlight, I’ll not be missed.

-Grey Waters

October 31st

Sirius Black stood in the shadows of the castle courtyard, twirling a knife through his fingers. The metal felt cold on his skin against the unusual heat of the day. He held the blade up to the light, gripping it in his palm, feeling the moment it pierced his flesh as he watched the glare of the sun move every time he did.

He chuckled and aimed it at the wall he was leaning on, watching the sun spot appear on the stormy grey. The color of the castle always depressed him. He wished they would paint it something more exciting, like pink or green. He felt like every castle was grey, why not mix it up a little? Be surprising? He posed the question to his parents one time, when he was younger, but he should’ve known how that would go over. “Your innocence is bleeding through. It makes you look inadequate, you know, most unbecoming.”

Sirius rubbed his throat unconsciously and lowered the blade.

There were footsteps behind him.

He turned around swiftly and held the knife to the person’s throat.

Hands went up in surrender. “Bit jumpier than usual, eh?”

“Remus.” Sirius’ stomach lurched as he looked into hazel eyes, which moved down to the knife. Sirius quickly hid it behind his back.

“Are you bleeding?” Remus asked, meeting his eyes again.

“What? Oh. Yeah.”

Remus sighed and held his hand out. Sirius hesitated before giving it to him. He took the knife and put it in his pocket before inspecting the damage.

“Sirius.”

Sirius’ eyes dropped to the ground.

“Sirius.” His tone turned more commanding. “Look at me.”

Sirius looked up nervously, but Remus only had concern brushed across his face. “I…” he whispered. “Sorry.” He pulled his hand back. “I was…out of it. Anyway. Do you need something?”

Remus blinked and shook the thoughts out of his head. “Yes. Lily is coming by later to paint your 18th birthday portrait. I want you to shower beforehand to look nice.”

He smirked. “Are you saying I don’t look nice now?”

Remus rolled his eyes before glancing over him. “No. You look sweaty.”

Sirius leaned into his face, relishing in the blush that came across it. Remus’ eyes dropped down to his lips and then quickly back.

“Just come on,” he said.

“Okay.” Sirius paused. “The knife is from the weaponry, by the way.”

Remus sighed and started walking in the direction of the knights at practice, Sirius trailing close behind. The second James Potter came into view, he dropped his sword and tackled Sirius to the ground.

“You fucking moron, where did you run off to?” James said indignantly, but he was grinning. His glasses were dirty and his hair was a sweaty disaster. “The boys started to worry.”

“Not you though, I assume?”

“Of course not.” James smirked and rolled off of him, nodding to Remus. “What’s going on?”

Remus held the knife out and James stood up, taking it. “Sirius, stop stealing my shit.”

Sirius smiled. “Sorry, Captain.”

James examined the blade. “Did you kill something?”

“Sorry?”

“There’s blood on it.”

Sirius looked down and hid his hand behind him.

“Lily’s coming later, James.”

Thank the universe for Remus John Lupin.

James reluctantly looked from Sirius. “For what?”

“Sirius’ 18th portrait.”

“Oh.” James looked Sirius over and smiled. “He’s certainly ready for it, isn’t he?”

“Shut up,” Sirius shoved him.

“I’ve been trying to make him go shower.”

“I’ll only shower if you join me, Remus.” Sirius crossed his arms.

“Yeah, that’s not happening.”

“You know you want to.”

“For the love of-” Remus pinched the bridge of his noose and closed his eyes. “Just- let’s go? I don’t want to keep her waiting.”

Sirius began walking towards the castle entrance. “Nah, you’re just worried your pastry will get cold.”

“It tastes better fresh,” Remus grumbled.

“Uh huh.”

Sirius undressed while Remus laid out a towel and clothes for him.

“Moony,” Sirius whispered. Remus turned around to face him, not letting his gaze drop. Sirius stepped forward and slowly put his finger through Remus’ belt loop, hearing his breath catch. “Moony,” Sirius repeated.

Remus swallowed and gently removed his hand, backing away. “Be out in twenty minutes, please.”

And then he left the room.

Sirius tugged at the collar of his plain black suit.

“This is so boring,” he muttered.

“Sit still, Sirius,” Lily groaned for the thousandth time in the last hour.

Sirius put his hands back in his lap. “I’m just saying, the outfit could’ve been slightly more me.”

Remus put his eclair on the table next to him and stood up, walking over to stand behind Lily. He muttered something in her ear and she busted out laughing.

“What?” Sirius smirked, amused.

“Nothing,” Remus said as he sat back down.

“They would kill me,” Lily said, catching her breath.

The doors burst open and James strutted in. “Hello, all.” He kissed the top of Lily’s head and immediately went to stand behind Sirius. “Remus.”

“James,” he responded.

“Lily.”

“James.”

“Sirius,” Sirius said.

Lily dipped her paintbrush in the red and Remus held in a laugh as she put it on the canvas. “Wow.”

“What?” Sirius asked, confused.

“James, by the way-”

“Hm?” James looked up from where he was currently eating Remus’ eclair.

“I have this friend in the city who really wants to become a knight.”

“Okay,” James brushed his hands off and wiped his mouth. “I can fit in a session tomorrow. What’s his name?”

“Her.”

“Oooh, a girl!” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows.

“Oh my god,” Remus mumbled.

“What’s her name then?” James said, sounding exasperated.

“Marlene McKinnon,” Lily replied.

“Oh, I know her,” Sirius cut in. “Mary speaks about her all the time.”

Lily nodded, “Well, anyway, she’s hosting a Halloween party tonight, I was wondering if you’d want to go and meet her?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m free.”

“But James,” Sirius pouted, “how could you? I thought you and I were going to shag tonight? Oh,” he covered his mouth with his hand and then flipped it over his eyes dramatically. “I’ve said too much.”

“Sorry, my darling, but you know I’ll always make time for you.” James winked at him and Sirius made kissing noises back.

“Is it open to anyone? I’d love a good party right about now,” Sirius asked.

“Your birthday is in 4 days, Sirius.”

“Ah, but this is Halloween.”

“Yes, Sirius, it is open,” Lily answered.

“Lovely,” he rubbed his hands together. “A chance to scope out the village ladies.”

“You can’t go, Sirius.” Remus cut in.

Sirius opened his mouth, offended. “And why the hell not?”

“You’re busy tonight.”

“Am not!”

“Yes, you are.”

“You could come with me.”

“Why would I want to go to a party?”

“I’ll wear that dress you like.”

“WHAT?” James laughed.

“Don’t do that,” Remus said.

“I’ll wear it if you don’t come then, how about that?”

“You’re not going.”

“Yes I am!”

“FINE.” Remus yelled, defeated. “Fine. I’ll go.”

Lily smiled. “Remus.”

Remus walked over and looked at the painting, and then they both fell over themselves cackling.

“What?!” Sirius and James shouted at the same time.

Lily turned the frame around slowly. “You wanted it to look more interesting.”

Sirius’ mouth fell open and he covered it with his hand. He was staring at himself, his eyes the exact shade of blue-grey, every curl of his black hair fell perfectly in position. The whole painting was gorgeous, pristine, exactly as his parents had intended it to be.

Except for his shoes. Lily had painted him in the black suit, yes, but wearing bright red, sparkly, high heeled cowboy boots. “They’re going to kill you,” Sirius whispered.

Lily shrugged. “I still need to do the background anyway. I’ll fix it tomorrow. Remus.”

Remus took the canvas from her and put it on a drying rack, facing away from the door.

Lily linked Remus’ arm as they walked out the room, and Sirius was about to follow until James pulled him back.

“Are you actually worried?”

Sirius smiled. “Nah. I’m sure they won’t see it. Besides, it’s just shoes.”

James squeezed his shoulder and they stood in silence for a moment before James’ eyes glazed over with mischief.

“What?” Sirius felt a smirk growing on his face.

“I know what costume you should wear to the party.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up. “I’ll do it if you will.”

“Of course I will, who do you think I am?”

Sirius laughed and they ran for his bedroom together.