Chapter 4
November 9, 2108
Dear imaginary ACE Hadrian
Is there anything more mortifying than witnessing your family’s love for each other? Ugh, while it’s nice to have loving parents who like each other I don’t want to see everything. I think it’s the result of the upcoming hunt, my parents vanishing together every afternoon, leaving me and the Nyturas to feign ignorance. Well, most of them, Eros seems delighted by the turn of events, and more than once I’ve had to stop him from waddling after them. Having him fly around with one of your letters has proven to be a successful distraction. I’m still unsure what he does with them, maybe he stashes them with Dad’s romance novels. Not like he would find a lot of romance in these letters but whatever makes my fussy Nytura happy, I guess.
Anyway, their behavior it’s cringeworthy. And while I, to some extent, rejoice in their newfound happiness I don’t want to see everything. That’s why I’m spending more time in Kandra’s family beach house.
December 20, 2109
Dear not-mine-yet Hadrian
I have a new partner in crime. I finally got to meet my mum’s family and that means I met Briar. As I have come to know we didn’t meet the Evansons because their Alpha, my grandmother, has been missing for several years and has yet to come back.
Briar adores the idea that I’m suffering with love and anxiety for my elusive ACE. He says it must come from the family since he’s also suffering for his reckless and stupid Alpha and that he finally has someone to share the experience, even if it’s a charade. The thing it’s that I barely have to lie anymore. “Of course Harry doesn’t wish to attend parties and balls! Can’t you see, the poor dear is eaten with worry for his ACE?”
It would be mildly disconcerting how much he relishes in my supposed misery if it wasn’t for the fact that he uses it to spend time with me. By now he’s convinced his bonded that we should be served breakfast in his room and we are now excused from any public event. That means I get to spend as much time as I want getting to know my family and lazing around with the Nytura’s. Shadow’s still very much an egg tho.
I’m starting to think that your existence was truly a stroke of brilliance.
January 6, 2109
My Dear not-forgotten-ACE,
My mum’s pregnant. Kandra won’t stop teasing me about losing my position as an only child but I couldn’t care less. Not when everyone is practically glowing with happiness. Little Teddy is due in April, he’s going to be a spring baby. I’m going to have a sibling!
My parents have a running bet about which of them are going to be the parents. Surprisingly no one has bet on my mum being one even though she’s clearly the only one pregnant. My dad swears he’s definitely the bearer, he says he can feel it in his stomach. My mum just shakes her head fondly. I must confess I have also partaken in this and even through my papa and dad’s betrayed looks I betted for my Da Remus. For selfish reasons, I must admit, but truly, imagine a baby werewolf wobbling towards you, how could I resist?
But don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you. I still remember to express the occasional sorrow and concerns about your well-being. Sometimes, oddly enough, it’s quite an easy thing to pretend.
Stay well and whole, my ACE.
April 23, 2109
Oh, my dear ACE,
I fear you may be vexed with me, and rightly so. I know, I know. I swore my heart to be true, but I must confess. I have fallen in love. Lost my heart to another, irrevocably. His name is Edward Remus Potter. He weighs even less than Shadow’s egg, he’s pink and wrinkled all over… and he’s perfect. I was also right, his small furry and pointy ears are proof enough.
Now that the hunt is almost among us and everyone, including myself, is distracted by Teddy’s perfection I find myself no longer needing a fictional suitor to avoid courting.
I could claim that we’ve grown apart, and put an end to all these silly letters and lies. But Briar is ever so fond of you by now, and I am ever so fond of him. Besides, I would miss writing to you.
It’s the oddest thing. I do not understand myself. But sometimes I imagine that you do.
June 17, 2109
Dear Adri,
(Surely after all these letters we can use nicknames.)
What I'm about to confess is embarrassing. I can hardly believe I am writing it down, but maybe putting it on paper and dispatching it wherever Eros leaves it will aid in ridding me of this foolish habit. You see, I have a pillow. It’s a fine pillow, all stuffed and comfortable. Quite firm and big. Almost a mattress, really. At night, I put it on one side of the bed and placed a heating stone beneath it to warm it all up. And then, I nestle up alongside it with Shadow’s egg and all the Nyturas that aren’t where they are supposed to be. And if I close my eyes and fall into that half-sleep place… I can almost believe it’s you. Beside me. Keeping me warm and safe.
But it’s not you, because it is a pillow and you are not even a real person. And I am an idiot. But now I’ve grown so accustomed to the thing, I can’t sleep without it. The nights simply stretch too long and lonely. Besides the Nyturas refuse to settle without it.
Wherever you are, I hope you are sleeping well. Sweet dreams my pillow ACE.
September 5, 2109
My Dearest miraculous ACE,
You have pulled off quite a trick for a man who is no more than a pillow stuffed with lies and embroidered with a hint of personality. You have somehow won yourself a place in my mentor’s training camp? Honestly, I’m quite baffled about the whole thing. I wasn’t naive enough to believe our supposed courtship wouldn’t make its way into Maury’s ears. In fact, I was fully prepared to explain our embarrassing story and endure the endless teasing from him, and let’s face it from his circle too, about it. But turns out he somehow… believed it?
Truly, there is no way he did. No way. His circle is a military one, all gheyos. They have to know I made it up. There is no ACE Hadrian, with dark hair, dark eyes, and shadow element that conveniently wears a black and gold mask with feathers on the side.
There isn’t. And they know that. So how— why was he so confident in his words? Why did he set aside a spot in his always full training camp for someone who won’t show up? Because they don’t exist. It doesn’t make sense, and the worst thing is that I couldn’t even question it. Because questioning it would mean admitting you don’t exist, which they should already know!
So I just ended up standing there frozen and smiling while my hair turned white. I swear they were silently laughing at me!
Still, there’s nothing to do about it anymore. I hope you enjoy the training?
June 2, 2110
Dear ACE of my heart,
Little Teddy is growing so fast! (I’ve attached a picture at the end. Isn’t he perfect?)
He’s already babbling his heart away and thanks to my parents he’s learned to wish on shooting stars. And every night– my heart twists just to write about it– he insists, changing his hair an angry red when someone doesn’t listen to him, to sit looking outside the window waiting for one. And when one does fall from the sky he wishes– He wishes for you. He wishes for “Hawwy’s Ady” to come home. Each and every time.
I feel my own soul twisting inside my chest. This has all gone too far, and yet—if I revealed my lie, they would despise me. And mourn you. After all, it’s been almost three years since we did not meet in the Dive.
You are part of our family now.
June 29, 2110
My dear silent love,
It breaks my heart, but I have to do it. I must. I can’t bear the guilt any longer. There’s only one way to end this now.
You have to die.
I’m so sorry. You can’t know how sorry. I promise, I’ll make it a valiant death. You’ll save four—no, six—other men in a feat of courage and noble sacrifice.
These are genuine tears dotting this parchment. The mourning I shall wear for you will be real, as well. I’ll use my ability to change my wings black for you. It’s as though I’m killing off part of myself—the part that had all those romantic, if foolish, hopes. I will settle into life as a spinster now, just as I always knew I would.
I made my bed and now I must lie on it.
Maybe if I write those things out, I’ll get used to the truth of them. It’s time to stop lying and put aside dreaming.
My darling departed ACE Hadrian,
Goodbye, thanks for everything you’ve done for me.