looking for james

Alabama was certainly hot. With a special type of humidity that felt like you were in a miniature version of Hell. Thankfully for Regulus, he only ever went from one air-conditioned place to another.

Nothing, however, could have prepared him for the unique sort of heat that he encountered twelve miles north of Alexandria, Louisiana at Hogwarts Boarding School. Ted’s truck was parked as close to his room- Room 21- as possible and yet it was not nearly close enough. Each time he took the few steps to lug his boxes from the car to his room, the sun burned through his clothes with such intensity that Regulus knew his skin would be red underneath.

Between himself, Andromeda, and Ted it only took three trips to unload the car, but his un-air conditioned room was not much cooler. The room itself was not at all what Regulus was expecting- or hoping for. He had been picturing soft carpet, double beds and plenty of privacy. Instead, he got what was essentially a box, with linoleum floors, chipped grey paint on the walls and a bunk bed that had clearly seen better days. The only perk of the place was- blessedly- the private bathroom. The desks, bookshelves and dressers were all in awkward spaces in the room. However, when Regulus went to push one of the desks to the side, he realised it was intentional as he noticed that everything was bolted to the walls.

Regulus sat on one of the desk chairs, having slung his bag onto the top bunk the moment he brought everything in. Andromeda immediately set out to emptying his trunk, taking a large chunk of the biographies he’d brought and begun arranging them on the shelf.

“I can unpack myself,” Regulus said, though he had no intention of doing so, not until he had a cold shower.

“Well, let me at least help you make your bed.” While Regulus could have used the help, he knew that Andromeda was just trying to drag out the inevitable.

“Really. It’s okay. I can do it.” Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just have to pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.

“We’re going to miss you,” Andromeda stepped over the minefield of boxes and was in Regulus’ space before he even realised what was happening. He stood, partly because she yanked on him, and partly because he knew he should as she pulled him into a hug. Then Ted was there, hand clasped on his shoulder. It was far too hot for the awkward huddle they’d formed to last long, but it was enough.

“Don’t worry, maybe I’ll learn to talk Southern.” Ted let out a snort and Andromeda a wet chuckle.

“That would be the day.”

“Don’t do anything over stupid,” Ted said. “No drugs. No drinking. No cigarettes.”

While Ted had never gone to Hogwarts, he’d heard enough from Sirius to know the type of trouble one could get up to if they had the right resources.

“We’ll miss you.” They both blurted out simultaneously, and while it needed to be said (and Regulus would very much miss them too) the whole thing became slightly uncomfortable, like watching his parents kiss.

“I promise to call every other Sunday.” The rooms at Hogwarts had no phone lines but his room was next door to one of five pay phones on the property.

“Say hi to Sirius for us,” Andromeda said as she slipped out the door. Regulus watched Ted’s truck get further away as the dread started pooling in his stomach. This was real.

Once more, Regulus was about to see his brother on a daily basis, even go to school with him. Regulus peered out of the window beside the door. Six one-storey buildings, each with sixteen dorm rooms, were arranged around a large circle of grass. It reminded him of an old motel. Everywhere the were people hugging each other, talking, probably telling each other about how their holidays had been. He’d imagined his first interaction with the people at his new school many times and every time it had ended with him being a lot less of a mess than he knew himself to be.

But of course, it didn’t happen that way. Nothing in Regulus’ life ever goes the way he imagines. Bored, Regulus climbed the metal ladder to the bed he’d claimed for himself. The mattress was far too soft and his skin stuck to its vinyl material. Regulus thought about his brother. Would his friends know who he was? Would Sirius even have any friends here? Who was Regulus kidding, Sirius would make friends with the wall if given enough time. Would he pretend like he’d never met Regulus before? Black was a common enough last name that people wouldn’t question it. Although, their physical appearance may be a little too similar for that story to be believable.

Before his thoughts could spiral, Regulus decided to peel himself off the mattress and find a towel to wipe up the sweat that had pooled on himself and the mattress. Regulus was only partially successful, having opened three different boxes of clothes, and giving up looking for a towel specifically. He eventually mopped it up with a ratted t-shirt that he absolutely should have binned before going to Hogwarts.

Regulus decided to take full advantage of his- blessedly- still empty dorm room and have the cold shower his body had been screaming for the moment he had stepped out of the car.

The small bathroom contained a huge, full-length mirror behind the door, so Regulus could not escape his own reflection as he turned on the shower faucet. His skinniness always surprised him. When he was first dropped to Andromeda’s, you could count all his ribs. Now, he’s gained some weight, but he’s still on the wrong side of underweight. Sometimes he felt embarrassed about how he looked until he remembered that he looked worse. Regulus pulls the white shower curtain aside and steps into the shower stall before he decides to dissect his own appearance anymore.

Unfortunately, it seems that the shower was designed for someone who was just under five feet as when Regulus stepped in, the cold water was spraying directly into his armpit. Some awkward ducking later, he’d successfully managed to wet his hair, only for him to slip on some soap the second he closed his eyes. Frantically, he grabs onto the shower tap to keep him from sliding over entirely. It would be just his luck to give himself a concussion before school has even started. He ops to sit on the shower for the remainder of his shower and briefly wonders if this was the place he would find the Great Perhaps or if he has made a grand miscalculation.

When Regulus opens the bathroom door after his shower, with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, he comes face-to-face with his brother. He does not give Sirius the chance to say anything as he snags his clothes off his desk chair and stalks back into the bathroom, slamming the door as he goes. Because of course, his brother is his dorm mate. Regulus is starting to wish he’d fallen in the shower instead.
Once Regulus is certain he looks more presentable than he did before his shower, re-opens the door unsurprised to find Sirius in the same spot.

“Regulus.”

“Sirius.”

Neither of them says anything more, Regulus isn’t sure if it’s because there’s nothing to say or because there’s so much that they don’t know where to begin. Andromeda made them both go to virtual therapy, and it helped- as much as something like that could- but this still was the first time they’d been in the same room in five years and it was clear they didn’t know what to do.

“You look better.”

“So do you,” And Sirius did. Gone was the brother of the past. Sirius and grown up, and out. With dark hair that fell to his shoulders, Sirius looked healthier than Regulus had even seen him. There was a brief spark of jealousy in his chest, as to why he didn’t look like that.
“It’s a shame you just missed Uncle Alphard, he would have loved to see you.”

Regulus doesn’t think that’s true, from what Sirius had told him previously, Alphard had a slight disdain for Regulus simply because he was not Sirius. Regulus wasn’t that bothered, his Uncle looked like he belonged more in a cemetery than he did as the primary carer of a seventeen-year-old boy.

They spoke quietly between them, as they worked to unpack their things. While Regulus made sure each item of his clothing was packed away neatly, it was clear Sirius had no such issue. He did not believe in a sock drawer or a t-shirt drawer, he simply shoved things wherever they fit. He did it with such reckless abandon that Regulus could feel his eye twitch.

It takes them an hour or so to completely sort out their things and Regulus doesn’t even get the chance to collapse on his bed before Sirius is dragging him out the door. Regulus doesn’t even bother looking where they’re going, simply allowing Sirius to drag him along, which is probably why he bumps into him when they do finally stop. Sirius has the gall to look offended at it too. “Right little brother, let’s get to work.”

Work, as it turns out, is helping his brother haul some things from the “storage” room that they’re in. Regulus thinks it’ll be an easy task until Sirius is leading him over to a pile containing a couch, TV and many other things Regulus does not pick up. “Absolutely not.”

Sirius rolls his head over his shoulder to look back at his brother, “I don’t actually remember asking,”

“You didn’t.”

“I know. You’re going to help because you’re my brother and this is what we do.”

Regulus wasn’t too sure about that but after promising Regulus that he could put as many drinks in the mini fridge as he wanted, he was mollified enough to help. They take the mini fridge up first, or well Regulus does, Sirius decides to take the TV, claiming he doesn’t need help carrying it. Regulus refuses to leave their dorm until he’s got the fridge plugged in and has stuffed as many cans of soft drink and water bottles in it as he can fit. On the next trip, they both carry a baby blue couch back to the dorm room. Sirius tells Regulus where he found it on the way back.

“It was just sitting on the side of the road. And at first, I ignored it, but I kept thinking about it. Twice even, I went back to the street where I first saw it, and physically started at it. Eventually, I decided I couldn’t not have it, so I dragged it back to Alphard’s place, tried to find a fabric as close to this shade as possible, and patched it up as best I could. I’ve had it for about three years now.”

Regulus could see that. Very clearly. The couch- while well-loved- had seen better days. The fabric covering its arms had tears and it was very clear where Sirius had attempted to stitch new fabric onto it.

None of that mattered to Regulus when they finally manoeuvred the couch into their dorm and he had the chance to sit on it. The foam was like a cloud, taking all of his weight and made him feel like he was sitting on a cloud. Sirius laughed when he saw the look on Regulus’ face, “Like it, do you?”

Regulus didn’t say a word.

Sirius went back down to collect a few more boxes and left Regulus specific instructions to “get the TV working” which Regulus was absolutely not going to do.

Only Sirius doesn’t come back, he takes so long that Regulus starts to worry and that alone forces him off the couch to find his brother. Sirius isn’t far from the storage room, looking much more dishevelled than when he left, muttering to him and picking things up off the floor. There’s a red mark across his cheek that Regulus just knows is going to bruise.

“What happened?”

Sirius doesn’t even turn around. “Nothing.”

Regulus bends down and collects a few of the books closest to him, “Did you trip?”

“No.”

Regulus sighs, “Alright then.”

It’s only then does Sirius look at him. It’s clear something happened and Sirius is shaken by it. Regulus doesn’t say anything more, helping Sirius get his things and grabbing a box to take back to the dorm. It isn’t until they’re safely back in their room that Sirius talks.

“I ran- well ran isn’t quite right the word- it’s more like they ran into me, but I got into an altercation with the Death eaters.”

Regulus can’t help himself, “What kind of fucking name is that.”

Sirius laughs. “I don’t even know where the name comes from, it’s just what they’re called. They used to be called the Day eaters because they’re day boarders. Only here for weekdays and get to spend their weekends at home, but I think, Death just sounded better to them. They sound like fucking idiots though, so I guess it does fit them after all. They’re all rich, snotty kids that we’d absolutely had to befriend if we were still living with our parents.”

They both pause, neither quite ready to acknowledge that part of their lives.

“Anyway, they got word of me being a disowned Black and they use it to justify picking on me,” Sirius holds up a hand, effectively cutting off Regulus’ rant. “It’s fine, I can handle it. They’re just dicks and sometimes it gets physical. But don’t worry, I give it as good as I get it.”

Regulus nods, not quite trusting himself to not release the string of curse words sitting on the tip of his tongue. “Why have you not told someone about this?”

“That’s not really how this place works. Sometimes it’s better to just deal with it yourself than to tattle on others.”

He doesn’t believe that, but Regulus lets it go. If there’s one thing he knows about his brother, it’s that he can handle himself.

“Right, I just need your truck and we should be good.”

Regulus drags it over and Sirius centres in between the couch and TV. He grabs a roll of dark tape and begins ripping it into little pieces. It takes a while but eventually, Sirius finishes with a flourish, “Ta-da!”

COFFEE TABLE is spelt in out in the tape when Regulus peers over at Sirius’ handy work. He lets out a snort at his mastery and Sirius looks pleased at the sound.

“I think it’s about time we go smoke.”

“I don’t smoke Sirius.”

Sirius waves a dismissive hand at him, “You don’t smoke, yet. Call it a bonding experience if it makes you more inclined to do it.”

Regulus hates how that works.

Sirius leads them through the maze of dorms and the last few parents that are still around. They come to a stop in front of a room that has “James has a single!” written on a whiteboard taped to the door. Sirius knocks once and there’s a shout of, “Come in, crazy man!” Immediately afterwards.

The brothers walk in and Regulus turns to close that door but Sirius stops him with a, “If you’re in a girl’s room after Seven, the rule is that you have to leave the door open.” But Regulus only partly registered what he said because the hottest man in all of human history was standing before them in burgundy football shorts and a white t-shirt and was talking of Sirius loud and fast.

“Right, so I’m back home, in lovely old Vine Station and I’m with this girl named Sarah- and mind you, I’m already dating Lily- actually I’m still dating her, miraculously enough, but Sarah is a friend of mine from when I was a kid and so we’re watching tv and literally chatting about the SATs or something, and Sarah snuggles up to me, real close and I’m like ‘Oh this is nice, we’ve been friends for so long, she must be tired’ and so we’re just chatting and she just reaches over and honks my dick. Not like a gentle squeeze or anything. A much-too-firm two to three-second honk. And the first thing I thought was ‘Okay, how do I extricate this claw from my dick before it does permanent damage?’ and the second thing I thought was ‘God, I can’t wait to tell Sirius and Remus.’”

Sirius laughs immediately but Regulus is too busy staring partly stunned partly by the deep voice coming out of the other man and partly because of the stacks of books covering the place. It’s clear the bookshelves against the wall have some resemblance of order but the piles around the room do not. Regulus knew that if he moved just one of them, they’d all be engulfed in an asphyxiating amount of literature.

“Who’s the guy not laughing at my very funny story?” He asks.

Sirius motions behind him, “Oh right. James, this is my brother, Regulus. Regulus, this is James. He got his dick honked over the summer.”

James gives him a blinding smile but doesn’t ask any more questions which leads Regulus to believe that Sirius has spoken about him at least once before. It fills Regulus’ chest with a warmth he refuses to acknowledge.

“We’re here to buy cigarettes.”

James grins at them, “I can do that for you.”

Then, somehow, Sirius talks Regulus into paying five dollars for a pack of Marlboro Lights he had no intention of ever smoking. Sirius asks James to join them, but he claims that he’s instead going to find Remus to tell him about The Honk. They share a look which leaves James sighing and shaking his head. He turns to Regulus, “Have you seen Remus?”

Since it was Regulus’ first day and James was the first person that Regulus had met, he was confident in his, “No.”

James seemed almost sad at that, “Well it's lovely to meet you, Regulus. I’ll meet you both at the lake in a few minutes then.”

Regulus liked the way his name sounded on James’ lips.

At the edge of the lake, just before the sandy beach- which Sirius told him was fake- they sat down in an Adirondack swing. Sirius pulled a lighter and his cigarettes from his pocket. “Want a smoke?” Regulus had never smoked a cigarette, but when in Rome…

“Is it safe here?”

“Not really,” He says before lighting the cigarette and handing it to him. Regulus inhaled. Coughed. Wheezed. Gasped for breath. Coughed again. Considered vomiting. Grabbing the swinging bench, head spinning, Regulus threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped on it, convinced that his Great Perhaps did not involve cigarettes.

“Smoke much?” Sirius laughed harder at Regulus' glare. “See that?” He points to a white speck across the lake.

“Yeah, just. What is it?”

“It’s a swan.”

“Wow. A school with a swan. A little pretentious isn’t it?”

“That swan is the spawn of Satan. Never get closer to it than we are now.”

“So it’s our Mother in Swan version then?”

Sirius laughs properly at that, “Nah, it has issues with people. Don’t get too close to it lest it rips you to pieces. The Eagle put it there to keep us from walking about the lake to smoke.”

“Who on Earth is The Eagle?”

“Ms. Mcgonagall. Code name: The Eagle. The dean of students. Most teachers live on campus, and they’ll bust you. But only the Eagle lives in the dorm circle, and she sees it all. James reckons that her glasses prescription is so strong that she can see smoke from like five miles away.”

“Isn’t her house just back there?” It was. They could see it quite clearly in the darkness, so it was highly likely that she could see them too.

“Yeah, but she doesn’t really go into blitzkrieg mode until classes start.” Sirius lights himself a second cigarette.

“If I get in trouble Andromeda might just kill me.”

“I think you’re over-exaggerating just a smidge with that. But look, you’re going to get in trouble here. Ninety-nine percent of the time, Andromeda will never have to know, though. The school doesn’t want anyone to think we’re fuck ups more than we want anyone to think that either.” He blew a thin stream of smoke forcefully towards the lake. Regulus hated to admit it but he looked cool doing it. Taller, somehow. “Anyway, when you get in trouble, just don’t tell on anyone. I mean, I hate the rich snots here either a fervent passion that I usually only reserve for our parents and dental work. But that doesn’t mean I would rat them out. Pretty much the only important thing is never never never rat.”

“Okay,” said Regulus, despite thinking it was a silly rule. It seemed a little stupid. How were they supposed to deal with bullies and assholes if you can’t get them into trouble? Although maybe this is what Sirius meant early when he said he could handle it.

“All right. We have reached the point in the evening when I’m obliged to go and find my boyfriend. I’ll see you back in the dorm.”

Regulus decides to stay on the swing for a while longer, half because the weather had finally settled into a pleasant eighty-something and half because he thought James might show up. But almost as soon as Sirius left, the bugs encroached: no-see-ums, which for the record, you can see. And mosquitoes hovered around him in such numbers that the tiny noise of their rubbing wings sounded cacophonous. It was then he decided to smoke again.

Regulus thought the smoke might drive the bugs away, and to a degree it did. He’d be lying, though, if he claimed that he became a smoker to ward off bugs. No, he because a smoker because 1. He was on an Adirondack swing by himself, and 2. He had cigarettes, and 3. He figured if everyone else could smoke a cigarette without coughing, he could to. In short, he didn’t have a very good reason. So yeah, let’s just say that 4. it was the bugs.

Regulus managed to make it through three full drags before he felt nauseous and dizzy but also felt semi-pleasantly buzzed. He got up to leave. As he stood, a voice behind him spoke:

“What’s something interesting about you, Regulus?”

James ran up beside him and grabbed his shoulder, effectively pushing him back into the swing.

“I memorise a lot of last words.”

“Really?” James’ eyebrow quirked slightly, causing Regulus to stutter out, “Yeah-yep. Did you want to quiz me?”

“JFK?” He asked.

Regulus answered, “That’s obvious.”

“Oh, is it now?” Regulus hated that his chest fluttered with the other man’s smile.

“No. Those were his last words. Someone said, ‘Mr. President, you can’t say Dallas doesn’t love you,’ then he said, ‘That’s obvious,’ and then he got shot.”

James laughed. “God, that’s morbid. I shouldn’t laugh. But I will.” He did in fact laugh a little more. “Okay, Mr. Famous Last Words Boy. I have one for you.” He reached down into an overstuffed canvas bag, the same colour as his shorts, and pulled out a book. “Gabriel García Márquez. The General in His Labyrinth. Absolutely one of my favourites. It’s about Simón Bolívar.” Regulus had no idea who Simón Bolívar was and James didn’t pause long enough for him to ask. “It’s a historical novel, so I don’t know if this is true, but in the book, do you know what his last words are? No, you don’t. But I am about to tell you, Señor Parting Remarks.”

James lit a cigarette, sucking on it so hard for so long that Regulus thought the entire thing might burn off in one drag. He exhaled and read:

“He- that’s Simón Bolívar- was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race between his misfortunes and his dreams was at the moment reaching the finish line. The rest was darkness. ‘Damn it,’ he sighed. ‘How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!’”

Regulus knew great last words when he heard them, and he made a mental note to get a hold of a biography of Simón Bolívar. As beautiful as the last words were, he didn’t have any context. “So what’s the labyrinth?”

Now was as good time as any to say that he was beautiful. In the dark beside Regulus, he smelt of sunshine and sandalwood, and on that cloudy night, Regulus could see little more than his silhouette except when he smoked. The cherry of the cigarette washed his face in soft red light. But even in the dark, Regulus could make out his eyes. He had the kind of eyes that predisposed you to support his every endeavour. It was right then, between when Regulus asked about the labyrinth and James had answered, that Regulus realised the importance of curves. Despite never being into women, Regulus had a new appreciation for them. Especially the curve leaving from James’ shoulder to his neck that Regulus absolutely wanted to sink his teeth into.

James’ mouth was enough to him that he could feel his warm breath on his skin, “That’s the mystery isn’t it? Is the labyrinth living or dying? Which is he trying to escape- the world or the end of it?” Regulus waited for James to keep talking, but after the long silence, it was clear he was waiting for an answer

“Uh, I don’t know,” He said eventually. “Have you really read all of those books in your room?”

“Oh God no.” James laughed. “I’ve read maybe a third of them, maybe a little more. I call it my Life’s Library. For as long as I can remember, every summer I’d go to garage sales and brought every book I deemed interesting. So I always have something to read. But there’s so much to do: cigarettes to smoke, sex to have, swings to swing on. I’ll have more time to read when I’m old and boring.”

James lit his new cigarette off the butt of her previous one and told Regulus of some of the living they’d done since meeting. “I was the one to introduce him to his first boyfriend, Fabian. They were great together but Sirius broke it off claiming he was just too boring. We pulled our first prank that year too- we filled all the classes atop the stars with bouncy balls. We’ve progressed since then, but that one still gives me a good laugh.

And so Sirius became the planner of their pranks and James stayed James, the larger-than-life creative force behind them.

“You’re smart like Sirius,” James said. “Quieter, though. And cuter, but I didn’t say that because I love my girlfriend.”

“Yeah, you’re not bad either,” Regulus spoke, aiming for nonchalant and missing by light years. James’ words sent his head into a spin far better than the cigarettes. “But I didn’t say that, because I love my boyfriend. Oh, wait. Right. I don’t have one.”

James laughed. “Yeah don’t worry about that. If there’s one thing I can get you, it’s a partner. Let’s make a deal: You figure out what the Labyrinth is and how to get out of it, and I’ll get you laid.”

They shook on it, “Deal.”

Later, they walked back to the dorm circle side by side. The cicadas hummed their one-note song, just as they did back home in Oklahoma. James turned to Regulus as they made their way through the darkness and said, “When you’re walking at night, do you ever get creeped out and even though it’s silly and embarrassing you just want to run home?”

It seemed too personal to admit to a virtual stranger, but Regulus said, “Yeah totally.”

For a moment, James was quiet, then he gripped Regulus' hand and whispered, “Run run run run run.” and took off, pulling Regulus behind him.