Oh where do we begin? The rubble or our sins?

On June 23rd Emperor Vespasian passed away and Emperor Titus began his reign.

Two days later Regulus Arcturus Black turns 20.

***

“Reggie. Reggie I have to leave.” 

Sirius looked at him with watery red eyes. His hands were trembling as he reached for his brother. Regulus took them and gently pulled him into a hug.

“I know.”

He whispered. Sirius began to softly weep into his shoulder.

They clung onto each other in the darkness then. Days might have passed, Regulus wouldn’t ever be sure. However long the embrace was, it would never have been long enough.

“Rome. Reggie if you ever come and find me, go to Rome. Find Peter Pettigrew. Meet me in Rome.”

Regulus just nodded. The next day Sirius was gone. And the day after that. And the day after that. And after that and after that and after that and after that.

Gone like a whisper lost to the wind, only remembered by the one who heard it but oh how Regulus remembered it. Carried the memories of his brother like a burden. He had to though, since no one else would. Since his mother liked to pretend he’d always been an only child. Someone had to. So Regulus did.

***

Regulus sighed. Everyone liked to pretend his birthday was some great affair. They ignored what it really was, the day his brother ran away.

He leaned back against the cold wall and screwed his eyes shut, enjoying the last few minutes of silence before the madness began.

Then there it was. A shrill voice cutting through his thoughts.

“Regulus.”

His mother trilled. That was her fake voice, the one she used when guests were visiting. The doting mother voice. The sweet and meek lady of the house. Oh how she loved her stereotypes. It was ironic really. He hated his mother, oh how he hated her. But in some sick way he respected her. She had everyone and everything twirled neatly around her finger. She wasn’t human, she was something other. She most certainly wasn’t a mother. 

He strode to the door quickly, standing by her and forcing a smile onto his face as he invited in the first guest. It was an elderly man face riddled with lines and thin wiry springs cropping up off his head for hair, a business acquaintance of his father’s no doubt. If anything was clear it was that this was not Regulus’ party. 

The man uttered birthday wishes to Regulus and told him his name. Regulus didn’t even bother learning it, just smiled tightly and nodded. Still it seemed to placate the old man who forgot who Regulus was about two seconds after they parted ways.

A constant stream of guests, more mindless chatter over irrelevant nothings. It was mind numbing how repetitive his life was. For Regulus everything he’d ever experienced could be classed in two. With Sirius and After Sirius. With Sirius was the secret excitement of misbehaving, the whispered promises in the late of night, racing round the garden under the fractured moonlight, a childhood lived in the shadows but lived nonetheless. After Sirius was just a blur of monotony. Finally his eyes caught ones that looked familiar. Thick tufts of hair the colour of unpainted marble. Evan came up to Regulus immediately, a smirk on his face. 

“So these are the friends you’ve been hiding from me all these years? I knew you weren’t a loner. Secretly popular with the senior citizens are we then?”

Evan joked. Regulus rolled his eyes and bit back a laugh.

“I think that one there is called Pliny?”

He pointed at an old man across the room.

“Oh yeah I’ve met his son a few times. Right knob that Pliny Jr. Convinced himself he’s theshit.”

Regulus laughed now, Pliny Jr’s reputation was growing rapidly. Another dumb loudmouth with more volume than good ideas. No doubt he’d become famous spouting crap about ‘the virtuous and proper way to live.’ 

“Happy birthday mate.”

Evan grabbed him by the shoulder and squeezed affectionately.

“Thanks.”

Evan glanced back momentarily and his expression darkened.

“Gonna be right back, I don’t like the way that guy is eyeing my sister.”

That was when Regulus noticed her. Evan’s little sister Pandora was standing, looking lost in the crowd. Regulus wasn’t sure why she was here honestly. Probably his parents were trying to butter up the Rosier’s again. Still, the nervous looks she kept throwing over her shoulder at the old man that was getting steadily nearer suggested she’d probably rather be anywhere than here. Evan was fiercely protective of his little sister, Regulus remembered when Evan had come fuming to his house once telling him about his parents had told him they would be fine with a man ‘pleasuring himself with Pandora’ as long as they got their recompense for it. She had been eight at the time. It was disgusting. It was horrifying. And Evan decided in that moment, his parents might be fine with it, but he would never let that happen. Regulus watched as Evan pulled the man into a corner, baring his teeth as he threatened him. The man shrunk back into the crowd and Evan pulled Pandora close to him. He made his way over then and greeted them both. 

“Happy birthday Regulus.”

Pandora said, brightening as she came over. There was something sad in her eyes though, something hidden. She held out a little pressed flower. He hadn’t interacted with Pandora often growing up honestly. She’d always been Evan’s little sister, just there in the background. Still, going over to Evan’s house constantly Regulus had gotten to know her a bit growing up. Pressed flowers were a special thing of theirs. Once Evan had gotten ill when he and Regulus were ten and Pandora was five. Evan had asked Regulus to keep an eye on Pandora that week to distract her from his sickness so she wouldn’t get worried. At first Regulus hadn’t known what to do. Still, he learnt quickly Pandora loved the outdoors. Loved the cool breeze of night but usually wasn’t allowed out even in the garden after dark. The Rosier Paterfamilias had been called away to business though and taken his wife with him so the children were being watched by servants and slaves. Regulus had snuck Pandora into the garden every night, careful to make sure nothing harmed her but delighting in her childlike wonder of how different it all looked by moonlight. Regulus loved her like she was a little sister of his own. She practically was. Regulus had noticed she had an affinity for picking little wildflowers, especially anything a little odd looking. ‘Mother always says to only pick the perfect flowers. Says the other’s are ugly and wrong.’ Pandora had pursed her lips ‘I don’t think she’s right.’ He noticed how her face fell when she realised she wouldn’t be able to keep them forever. He taught her how to press flowers. For the next month any pot or jar you lifted in that house had a dozen tiny flowers hidden underneath. 

Ever since then they had exchanged flowers as gifts. Pressed flowers that Regulus had hidden carefully in the little crack in the wall by his bed. He took it gratefully and looked at it. A rich dark red geranium. He twirled it in his hand and thanked her, slipping away to hide it in his room. 

He’d was just about to tuck it away in the little crack of wall when he heard his mother in the doorway. He turned and nodded his head in respect. She pursed her lips, clearly about to chastise him for missing the party when she noticed the flower.

“Who gave you that?”

He considered lying but decided his mother would probably be thrilled by a gift from a Rosier, she was always trying to get on their good side, especially now that Evan had become a senator. 

“Pandora.”

What he hadn’t expected was a crazed grin to grow on her face.

“Well this is perfect.”

She clapped her hands together.

“Regulus I was going to tell you after the party in case you planned on throwing a scene. But I have wonderful news. We have arranged for you to be married!”

His throat seized up and his tongue felt leaden in his mouth. He swallowed.

“To Pandora?”

His mother nodded.

“I didn’t- we’re not…like that. We’re not like that. She’s so young mother, so young still.”

His mother tutted and furrowed her brows angrily.

“She is fifteen. I was married and with child a year younger than she was. Her parents are desperate to marry her off soon lest people speculate she is no longer  a virgin. The only reason she isn’t is that all the men are terrified of her brother. You have befriended him, he will not threaten you like the rest.”

Regulus opened his mouth and shut it again. It was futile to argue. 

“May I speak to her now? In private please.”

His mother nodded. He sat down stunned on the bed. A moment later Pandora slipped through the door.

“When did you find out?”

He asked her.

“This morning.”

She admitted.

“I wanted to tell you but I figured it wasn’t the right place or time.”

Regulus finally brought himself to meet her gaze. She was hunched over, fiddling with her fingers. Her eyebrows were drawn together slightly like she was frowning but trying not to.

“I don’t- I mean you’re lovely but I don’t…want that.”

She laughed then. It was an empty echo of a thing though, dead and empty. 

“And you think I do?”

“It’s a right mess isn’t it?”

He shot her a half hearted smile that he knew didn’t reach his eyes. 

“It really is.”

She agreed, sitting down beside him on the bed.

He watched the expressions flicker over her face. Sad, angry, nothing…repeat. 

“I’m glad it’s you.”

She said finally. 

“Really?”

She nodded. Regulus tried to process what she meant. 

“We won’t be married, not really. You won’t expect anything from me at least. I don’t want to do that. Not ever really. You won’t want me to. Plus I think we could become good friends. In time.”

He breathed out a sigh of relief. At least it wasn’t anything actually related to marriage. 

“Well then I’m glad it’s you too.”

“If you could pick, who would you marry? Would you marry at all?”

Pandora asked, head turning to face him. Regulus considered this for a moment.

Cocking his head to the side, he closed his eyes and imagined…imagined warm arms around him, a low, soothing voice. Maybe someone reserved like him. Someone reserved and calm, the last thing Regulus needed was some force of chaos wrecking his life. 

“I think I would marry…to the right person. But I wouldn’t want to get married just for the sake of it.”

Pandora nodded.

“How about you?”

Regulus asked. Pandora looked down, fiddling with her hands.

“I hadn’t- haven’t thought about it yet. I’m not ready Regulus I’m only-“

Her words caught in her throat, before he really knew what he was doing he had pulled her into a hug.

“Hey, hey, look at me.”

He whispered to her.

“I grew up with you as a little sister ok? Some dumb arrangement we didn’t even choose isn’t going to change that. We are not engaged. We’re just…going let other people think that because it’s the easier thing to do.”

Pandora nodded softly but there was still something faraway in those eyes. Regulus didn’t push, maybe he should have but this wasn’t his thing. He wasn’t good with words, wasn’t good with comfort or caring. It felt awkward and wrong, like too tight sandals, leather straps digging in to your skin as you stand there unable to do anything about it because you have bigger problems. The endless cycle of the sun beating down on you, burning into your skin as you fall to your knees in prayer on cracked, rain thirsted ground, begging to deaf and blind gods. Begging so hard you forget they don’t hear, don’t see. You forget to look around and notice all the people begging for you to see and hear. He was bad at that, at noticing. He tried to speak but the words stuck in his throat. Well rich of him to assume there were words there at all. Just something. It felt a bit like the same thing that had bubbled up the night Sirius had ran. Luckily for Regulus the moment was broken quickly. 

“Dora are you in- oh.”

Evan took in the scene in front of him. Regulus with his arms around Pandora, the tears streaming down her face. He had a fist poised and ready within a second, other hand fisting at the collar of Regulus’ white tunic aggressively.

“You have about ten seconds to explain why she’s crying.”

Regulus put his hands up in surrender. How to explain the situation delicately to Evan? What was the right way of going about it? ‘It’s been arranged for us to be married, we’ve talked and decided the best thing is to go along with it as a pretence but we’re not actually going to be married if that makes sense?’ Yes that was the right way to explain.

“She doesn’t want to marry me but she doesn’t have a choice.”

Is what came out of his mouth. Probably not the smartest thing to say as Evan got ready to swing and Pandora smacked her forehead with her palm. It seems her sadness was forgotten momentarily while faced with the utter stupidity of what Regulus had just said. 

“For Jupiter’s sake Evan don’t hit him it might knock out the precious few brain cells he has left. Neither of us chose the engagement, Regulus only just found out. We’re going along with it though.”

Pandora’s tone was biting. Regulus had never heard her like this, she’d always been a sweet soul. She was the type to recognise the extraordinary where others did not. Always quieter and preferring to observe rather than rush in stupidly like her brother. Sarcasm was certainly new. Then again maybe Regulus didn’t really know her all that well, maybe she’d changed since she was five. Maybe being a fifteen year old with your entire life meticulously planned till death jades your view of the world. Maybe sweetness is as easy a lie as indifference. Well if it was anything like indifference it was excruciating. You went along with it anyway though because the other option was always worse. 

“Absolutely not, Regulus I will not have you of all people defiling my sister.”

Evan said, Regulus noted that the fist was still raised and his collar was still being gripped onto.

“First of all, no defiling will be occurring. It’s a ruse, a fake marriage to get our parents off our backs about if. Second of all…what do you mean by ‘me of all people’?”

Regulus’ eyes narrowed while Evan’s softened.

“You’ll figure it out someday.”

Evan said quietly, lowering his fist.

“I don’t know what your talking about.”

Regulus replied harshly, ripping Evan’s hand off his toga. Evan nodded for a second, gaze lingering on Regulus momentarily before darting away again.

“So a fake marriage. Well I can’t say I’m thrilled, Pandora’s way too young to get married, honestly Regulus I think you are too. Still I guess I approve and support it because honestly neither of you have a choice and I’d rather this then both of you ending up with someone that…expects more from you.”

Regulus nodded, standing up from the bed. Suddenly the little beige room was far too stifling. The tiny crack in the wall stuffed with flowers didn’t let in enough air to breathe. 

“I have to go now, my mother is probably expecting me to talk to the guests.”

He excused himself and slipped out of the little room, leaving Evan to talk to Pandora. 

The rest of the night was a flurry of faked smiles and forced conversation. Come tomorrow it would all feel like a hazy, blundering dream. In a way it sort of was, his body might be there but his mind wasn’t.  His mind was somewhere else all together. In some different thread of life where he went with Sirius. How was his brother?

In the early morning, under the cover of sweet darkness he stumbled into the garden. First time all night he felt like he was really breathing. In and out and in and out, letting the cool air cleanse him. The chirp of the crickets transporting him somewhere wild, somewhere free. And he began to run. And if he let the night breeze overtake his mind he could pretend the pounding of his feet was double. He could pretend Sirius was there racing him too. He raced against the shadow till dawn broke and finally collapsed onto the ground in a fit of laughter, rolling over and patting a hand over where Sirius’ would have been. He interlocked hands with the air and squinted and if he squinted hard enough the night blackened edge of a bush resembled flowing black hair. The shining stars, the bright flicker of mischief in grey eyes. And somewhere in the noise of the night there was a free hearted boy laughing along with him. 

He liked to do that sometimes still.