1975-1976
“One day, though it might as well be someday”
Sirius very much doubted the girl had told Remus about what had transpired in the kitchen since the next time Remus came around, he looked cooled off, even willing to talk to Sirius.
Their secrets were uneven now, and even though Sirius rarely cared about something as silly, he liked to keep things even with Remus. Only with Remus. So Sirius decided to give something up.
Sitting on his bed in Sirius's room, Remus quirked a brow “Am I here for a reason, or are you just gonna stand there...?”
“I'm going to take off my shirt”
“Oh, uh, okay?”
“And show you what's under the bandages”
“Oh,” Remus breathed out “You sure?”
“Yes”
No.
Sirius told himself he was doing it to keep the balance, to maintain some sort of order, but he couldn't deny that there was a sick kind of thrill in his belly after he slipped out of his shirt and started unwrapping the bandages until they fell to the floor in a heap.
Remus stared, and Sirius both hated and craved it.
He didn't look down. He was never a fan of the sight, but he was downright obsessed with the feeling of running his fingertips across his skin and being able to feel all of the scars on his skin.
All those stars invading his body.
The silence stretched over the room, making the air feel hot and heavy.
“You…” Remus paused, letting the word hang there
“Some of them were from my parents. They made me and Reg grow up so that we learnt obbedience, to them and to the reputation of our family. They don’t notice if there are more when they punish me, so…” Remus lifted a hand, let it hang in the air
“Can I touch it?”
It's not what Sirius expected, least of all from him, but he nodded before he could stop himself.
Control.
The one thing that was important enough to bleed for, and he gave it up like it was nothing for this boy. Sirius crossed the room until Remus could lift his hand and let it ghost over the bumps and ridges on the skin above his ribcage, the phantom touch making him shiver. He sees Remus finding the constellation on his skin, as the craters on his’ weren’t the same, and took it all in.
Sirius wondered if Remus would’ve got angry. There was Sirius, having a house, constant food under his teeth, a loving (more or less) brother, and a career in front of his eyes, and still, he was drowning in his head. And then there's Remus... a furious meteor.
All Remus did though was draw his hand back and nod. There were no cruel remarks or questions about why and what, just silent acceptance.
The odds were even.
(And maybe Sirius lied awake, that night, tracing the scars in the hope of getting the same phantom sensation as Remus’ touch. He failed.)
His father packed his bag and left them on a rainy day in August. Sirius found his mother breaking glasses on the kitchen’s wall, for hours.
He told Remus about it later that day, recounting the events with his usual distance, and blinked when Remus asked how was he dealing with all of it. His heart, Sirius thinks, was way too big for his own good.
Figuring out whether Remus's foster parents were keeping up their end of the deal wasn't an easy task, considering he wrapped himself in long-sleeved clothes as soon as the temperatures started dropping again. Sirius couldn't ask him either. Not if he didn't want to make Remus suspicious. But there had been no more weird limps as far as Sirius could see. That had to mean something.
Another year and they would’ve finished school. Another year and they could’ve escaped that town with all its faults and demons.
As soon as they had the chance, Sirius would’ve packed his bags, just like his father had done, and escaped with Remus, even if he had to drag him along screaming.
For new year's, his mother took him to London, and when the clock turned twelve, Sirius's only wish was to be somewhere else in precisely one year.
Shortly after the autumn Sirius turned seventeen, his school gave them a weekend to visit universities. Still unsure whether to humor his mother’s and her persistent pushing to study business administration to eventually take over the company or go to an art school, Sirius had to travel. First, he went to Liverpool, and it's okay. A school named after his father’s name. Well-dressed students pampered by their parents. It's the second trip to London that's interesting, to the school Regulus was attending, that covered both high school and college.
He was with James this time.
Regulus had decided to stay in campus.
After the tour and lunch in the afternoon soon, Sirius followed James into town and found himself in a bar where a flashy sign.
The Shrieking Shack.
That's where he met Peter and Lily, James Potter’s friends.
Harry's brows shoot up at that.
Having done his research, he instantly recognizes these names. James Potter was not only a very good friend to Sirius but an author that published several successful books that shaped UK's modern literature among others. Lily had kept more in the shadows, but she's been working as an archeologist since her twenties.
Noticing Harry's expression, Sirius smiled gently “Ah, I see. You recognized Prongs' name”
“There have been rumors about you two” Harry blurted out before he could help himself.
“Aren't there always?” Sirius took another sip of his glass and then crossed his legs “This story is not about James, but he's part of it, as he will always be part of me. I owe him a lot. He’s like a second brother to me”
Not about Potter then. Sirius had said Harry would’ve figure it out himself, and it was indeed difficult to miss who this tale has been about all along.
“Remus”
“Mh?” Remus, who's working on fixing up one of the old motorcycles that have been standing in the garage for ages, turned around, his face splitting into a toothy smile when he sees Sirius. For a moment, it looks like he's going to lean in and hug him, but he just rocked forward on his heels and gently punches him in the shoulder “Welcome back, Pads. How was it?”
“I must admit” Sirius settled down on a small available stool “It was helpful. I know where I'll go now”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. London, Hogwarts, where is going Reg”
“That's- that's good. Great.” Remus smiled, tried to, at least, and the falter of movement confused Sirius. Of all the times Remus was so careless with his heart, he was withholding now?
Nonetheless, Sirius continued. He told him about the bar, about his new friends, especially James, because, in all honesty, Remus already knew him, and also because Sirius doubted he would ever meet someone else like that. Such brilliance and charismatic spirit packed up in a gentle giant. He was handsome, too.
He probably spent an hour recounting all the ways Prongs amazed him and why he needed to go to that university if only to have another night like that. Full of light-hearted conversations and humor and… Sirius noticed that Remus had been quiet for a while now, silently working on the bike.
He couldn't help it. He pouted “Are you ignoring me?”
“Wha-? No. I'm just busy”
“You're always busy, but you make time to, at least, listen to me. This is important. This is my future”
A flash of irritation crossed Remus, though it disappeared just as quickly as it had come “Yeah, well” he muttered, voice rough “I don't have much time to fix this, and I really wanna fix it”
“Oh, going on a hot date afterwards?”
Remus glanced at him and then away “No, you fucker. Just... stuff”
“Very eloquent as always”
“Sorry for not talking like someone with a stick up their ass” Remus snapped before turning back to his work.
Sirius couldn't help but frown. He knew Remus's tones, knew what he sounded like when he pretended to be annoyed and what he sounded like when something actually bothered him.
“Moving on then” Sirius decided “Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?”
“Nah”
“Really? Nothing at all?”
“No. Unless you wanna hear about your neighbor getting a new pool installed. I can tell you all about that since she asked me to help her out, then hit on me, like, twenty times”
“You know what they say. There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle”
Remus grimaced “Yeah. Not my type”
Something Sirius had noticed over the last two years was that whenever romance or sex was brought up, Remus always tended to become more awkward, even more so than usual. Obviously, he tried to play it tough most of the time, and he did it fairly well, but he had a way of stumbling over his own words sometimes.
Sirius had his theories.
Remus was pretty much more experienced in anything, so it was fair to assume he was more familiar with sex as well. Sirius had kissed exactly two girls in his life, and both events were incredibly boring. Nothing he desired to repeat immediately. Sometimes, he got curious, though.
Surely, there had to be something enjoyable about kissing if everyone was so obsessed with it.
“Hey, Remus”
“Hm?”
“Do you like kissing?”
There it was again. That stiffness in his spine. The falter of movements before he visibly forced himself to carry on whatever he was doing with that screwdriver “Uh, yeah?”
“Is that an answer or a question?”
Remus rolled his eyes “Obviously, I'm answering, fucking smartass”
“Mh... and you enjoyed it? Actually enjoyed it?”
“Yes. What's your point?”
“Nothing. I'm just curious because I... don't see what all the fuss is about. It's wet, kind of gross”
Letting out a soft snort, Remus shook his head “Well, there has to be... chemistry. You'll have to like the person to enjoy it, I guess, and yeah, the person has to be good, too. Wouldn't be nice if they slobbered all over you. It just... depends on your partner”
Partner.
Not girl. Not she or her.
Sirius had his theories.
He also had theories about himself, though he had never cared enough to dissect the topic and come out with an answer.
Until now.
“What would you do” Sirius asked “If I asked you to show me”
“Show you...” Remus repeated, petrifying
Sirius nodded.
“Oh. We're- You-” Remus looked around suspiciously like Sirius had suggested to do it right here and now, out in the open. Of course, Sirius would’ve dragged him back into his room. He didn't want his mother hearing about it and coming to him later on, furious, and taking out again their family business.
“You’re taking your time”
“Shut up. Why are you interested in this stuff all of a sudden anyway?”
“Well, we have to be prepared for university, right? I would like to know what I'm up to”
“It's a fucking kiss, not a war strategy”
“Everything can be a strategy”
Remus lapsed into silence then, working on the damned bike without ever giving Sirius any clear answer. Sirius accepted it and leaned back, enjoying the mild sun rays on his pale skin. A gentle tap on his shoulder made him open his eyes again, and he saw Remus beckoning him to follow.
He had a feeling he knew where this was leading to as Remus guided him through his own house, but it became abundantly clear when they went into the bathroom, and Remus carefully locked the door behind them before giving Sirius a look “Stay still there”
“Here?” he asked, settling against the door.
“Yeah...” Remus came closer then “Don't... touch me. My hair is fine. Or my shirt, but not-”
“Okay”
Nodding, Remus took another step until his chest was only inches away from Sirius's. They had both grown over time, but Remus more, so Sirius had to look up as the other curled one hand in the collar of his shirt and then tugged him up into a kiss.
It's tentatively slow, but Sirius's eyes flutter closed anyway. He only ever remembers how much he craved that closeness when it was too late, but now- Remus kisses him again, and this time he puts more pressure into it until Sirius mirrors it. Ever so slowly, he touches Remus's sleeve, tugging him a bit closer and-
“Sirius?”
They jump away from each other like rabbits, even if there's a door protecting them. Remus already looked ready to throw a fit, but Sirius silently told him that it was fine “Yes?” he shouted back then, eyes still on Remus “Give me a minute!” then he murmured “I'll lead her upstairs so you can slip away”
“Okay” Remus breathed out.
Sirius smiled “Thank you”
He went then, leaving Remus behind in that bathroom, unaware that he would’ve remembered that very moment every day for the next couple of years.
Sirius had several scenarios in mind for the next time he would’ve seen Remus. Awkwardness. Flustered cheeks. Remus might have tried to avoid Sirius, acted like nothing at all had happened. Or maybe he would’ve stepped entirely out of the realm of likely possibilities and open up the door to something new.
What Sirius didn't expect was a fist right into his face.
Sirius was sitting at the edge of the fountain and facing the sky above, letting the platter of the water drown out the hot pulse of his skin, begging him for one more word. When he glanced down and opened his eyes, he saw Remus stalking across the alley. Sirius smiled. Remus glared. It was then that Sirius not only realized something was wrong but that Remus was going to punch him. He saw it coming; he could’ve evade it, but Sirius let it happen anyway.
“You had no right” Remus hissed, his hand fisted in Sirius's shirt “No fucking right!”
“Remus-”
“No, shut up! I told you to leave it be! I told you I had it under control but no-”
“Perhaps if you told me what this is about” Sirius wheezed out, feeling his left eye throb painfully “Then I would be able to reply”
“Riddle! The man in our house. You fucking paid him off?!”
Oh.
Sirius's blood turned cold “Did he touch you?”
“I told you to leave it alone! Why the fuck wouldn't you listen?!”
“Remus did he or did he not-”
“No, he didn’t” Remus burst out “But he touched Dora!” his face crumpled painfully “It should've been me! Me, Sirius! Not the other kids!”
“What are you talking about?” Sirius asked, though it slowly started to make sense to him. The missing pieces fit into place with a sick lurch.
Remus let go of him with a shove and turned around, scrubbing a hand across his face.
“I didn't- Riddle wasn't supposed to touch anyone anymore” Sirius said.
“Yeah” Remus let out a bitter laugh “Guess he didn't get the memo”
“Remus. Why would you take on all of that pain?”
“Because I can. Because it's easier for me than it is for them. Because it's none of your damn business! I had it under control. I would take it and then I could- I could have-”
What was he talking about? He still could.
“What did you to him?”
“I didn't see that fucker yet”
“Remus. Don't do anything stupid”
Remus turned to him, and in his face, Sirius realizes no amount of words would’ve stopped him. Not even the barrel of a gun against his temple would’ve. He was a force of nature. Everything else was defenseless against that kind of determination.
And still, Sirius tried. Like a fool “I can give you money. I- I can sell every expensive thing I own, and we can bribe him to leave. You only have several months left until you're eighteen, and then we can leave. We can-”
“We?”
“Yes”
“Sirius” Remus said, bitterness rolling off every syllable “There is no we, no us. I was never going anywhere with you. My family's here. The kids are here. I- I don't even have enough money to buy myself lunch every day. What, did you think I would’ve got the fucking money to move halfway across the country? I don't even have a degree!”
“I can-”
“You can” Remus mocked “You can do this. You can do that. I won't live off your money like some kind of pet. I'm not yours. The people I care about are going to stay here! I can't just leave them!”
Sirius's mouth opened and froze. Words were his power, his dynamite, and yet at the moment he needed them the most, they failed him “Remus” there was nothing left, but this one word. This one truth “Remus-”
“No”
Remus shook his head. There was pain in his eyes, too, regret and hurt, that were deep enough to convince Sirius that maybe he hadn’t been living in a completely different universe the whole time where the two of them would’ve left that town together. All the same, Remus turned around and left.
The state of panic only lasted for a few minutes before Sirius snapped out of it, and the gears in his mind started working. He could’ve worked this out. Problem-solving was what he was good at. If not solve, he could’ve talk Remus out of it, manipulated him into staying put even if that meant Remus would’ve hated him for interfering again. Sirius would’ve rather live with Remus hating him than him behind bars. Or worse.
The only thing that was against him was time.
If he had had more time. More time to get there before Remus. More time to talk to that bastard Riddle before Remus.
He was home, his chest rising and falling heavily, Sirius made a call; the same call he had been making for a year now. After that's done, he finds every penny and bill that was in the house, including his mother's checkbook. He could’ve faked her signature and talked his way out of it later.
It would’ve worked.
His trust fund would have been the more elegant solution, but he was still half a year away from being eighteen. Sometimes messy solutions are needed, too.
He was running down the stairs when his mother caught him, having just come home. She let out a dramatic gasp “Sirius! Your face!”
“I'm perfectly fine-” he tried pushing past her, but she caught him around the wrist.
“Where are you rushing off to?”
“Mother, I do not have time-”
“You will make time” she cut in sharply.
Sirius spent fifteen horrid minutes, letting his mother treat his black eye and evading her questions before he finally got out of the door. His driving skills were still rusty, not to mention he wasn't even allowed to drive alone yet, but today everything seemed to be the exception. He just wanted to stop Remus.
After parking the car, he started to run like a madman, pushing his feet across the pavement and through the slim streets towards Remus.
But it seemed like he was too late.
When he reached the house, the first thing he spots is a girl with pink hair crying outside. Nymphadora.
“You” he said, running up to her “Where is he?”
Nymphadora shakes her head, more tears rolling down her cheeks. There was a bruise on her arm.
“I need you to tell me what happened. Now.”
“Riddle came home and Rem-Remus- he started beating him, and he wouldn't stop- Riddle was already unconscious, but Remus wouldn't stop, I told him to-”
“Where. Is. he.”
“They took him” she whispered “Someone called the police. They took him away even though- even though I tried to tell them that he did it for us-”
For them.
Remus had let himself in harm's way for them.
And now he was gone because of them.
The thought travelled through Sirius like poison, turning his organs into acid. This was-
A blonde haired boy trotted over and grabbed her hand “Dora, they want to speak to us” his gaze met Sirius's then, tuning cold. Sirius knew what that look meant. Blame. Accusement. If not for Sirius, Nymphadora would have been left alone. Remus could have still been taking the beatings, and everything would have been just peachy “C'mon, let's go”
Men like Riddle were never satisfied, though. Their greed was infinite.
Sirius's left standing there, reduced to the one feeling he hated the most.
He was utterly and unfathomably powerless.
The next morning, Sirius got a call from the social worker he had been harassing for the longest time now. They can finally send someone to look into the situation now, she said. They can check the foster parents for abuse and neglect.
Sirius told her it's too late.
One day.
One day too late.
Sirius tried to find Remus in the system. He called the authorities to get some information, but they hung up on him before he could even finish the request. He visited the local juvenile detention facilities in Islington only to be denied any information at the desk. He called the social worker and begged him to give him anything at all, a crumb, some sort of trail he could follow to find Remus.
It felt like Remus never even existed, though. An orphan, a street rat, a violent teenager with anger issues. Lost in the system. It was nothing new. Who cared if a kid without an identity except for a name went missing? Who would’ve bothered looking for him?
Sirius tried for months.
Even though he couldn't be bothered with classes and studying and exams, even though his skin screamed for one moon and one moon only, he was forced to graduate and finish school, forced to live his life like he hadn’t lost part of it.
And just like that, Remus quietly and soundlessly slipped out of his grip.