The Moon and His Star
Sirius only noticed it in facets.
Remus’ smile sometimes not fully reaching his dimples. The way his skin was turning paler and his eyebags darker. How Remus’ voice missed its spark and his walk its jump. Sirius didn’t get worried right away, Remus had bad days and surely that included bad weeks from time to time. He tried to support him in whatever way he could, smiling extra brightly for the two of them. And while Remus seemed to appreciate his efforts and Sirius even sometimes thought he’d managed in cheering him up for a few hours, nothing changed in his general negative demeanour.
Remus had told him about his depressive phases, how it had been really bad right after the car accident and then again in his older teenage years. But they way he had described it didn’t sync up with how Remus was behaving now. He had said that while depressed he felt like there was no energy, no life left in him, that everything seemed like a challenge and that he didn’t leave his bed for days at a time. But this time Remus seemed to be more energetic if anything, never being able to sit still, a right jittery mess in long afternoon hours when they were just hanging out. He bit his nails and always wanted to be outside, as if he felt locked in.
When Sirius first realised the extent of Remus’ struggles, he had thought Remus might have quit smoking and was going through withdrawals, he knew the symptoms all too well, but that theory was debunked the next time he saw Remus rolling himself a cigarette. He had always had trembling fingers but with the amount they shook now, Sirius was surprised he even managed to produce a functioning cigarette.
Even after realising that Remus was indeed miserable, Sirius still had no idea what it was that made him so. They were having lunch one day when Sirius decided to just straight up ask.
Sirius swapped his plate with Remus and took a deep breath. They always shared their meals, too eager to limit their appetite to one dish. Sirius stared down at the pasta he’d received from Remus in return and placed his hand gentle on Remus’. “You can tell me you know.”
Sirius slowly lifted his head to find Remus staring back at him, perplexed. “Tell you what?”
“Why you are feeling so low. I mean I know sometimes there’s no reason or at least none that could really be explained but I just- it feels different this time… Not like the other times when you’ve struggled mentally. And I just thought I should know if there’s something else that’s making you so sad. So, that I can do a better job helping.” Sirius bit his bottom lip, worry expanding in his chest like a ballon.
Remus’ eyes were first wide open in shock then they narrowed for a second only to return to a neutral gaze. Sirus wasn’t fooled, however, he knew Remus well enough to be able to distinguish between his usual neutral face and the careful artificial one. Remus was a good actor when it came to convince people of his feelings or the lack thereof but Sirius could see right through him.
“I- I don’t know.” Remus said, not able to keep a hint of despair out of his voice. He was pulling at his own hair, the curls stretching around his fingertips. A gesture that differed so very much from when Sirius did the same thing to Remus’ hair, rough instead of gentle and out of stress instead of love.
Sirius took Remus’ hand out of his hair and pressed a kiss to his palm. “That’s okay. But are you sure? Is there nothing- did nothing happen?”
Remus bit the inside of his cheek almost guilty and Sirius’ confusion rose. He sighed and looked up at the sky as if that could somehow provide him with the ability to give Sirius an answer. “There’s one thing I guess. But I don’t- I have to find another way to deal with that.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes, he couldn’t for the life of him understand why Remus was speaking in riddles. “What is it? You don’t need to hold back with me, Moony.”
Remus rolled his lips into his mouth and pressed his eyes closed, his whole face a canvass of frustration. “It’s the skating.” He pressed out and immediately his eyes flew open, examining Sirius’ reaction with care and distress.
Sirius himself was unsure how to react. “What do you mean?” Remus had told him he wasn’t going to skate anymore so how could skating possibly be the problem.
“Well,” Remus rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. The food was getting cold between them but Sirius wasn’t hungry anymore anyways. “I think that not skating might be impacting me more than I thought…” Sirius’ looked at him wide-eyed, trying to compute what Remus was saying but Remus didn’t leave him time to come to a conclusion because he was quick to clarify, “But it’s okay, as I said I’ll figure out a substitute or something. I told you I wouldn’t skate anymore and I will stick to my word, don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”
And it might have been the weak smile Remus offered him or maybe just the whole scenario of sitting in a restaurant with Remus who was so clearly unhappy and yet tried to mask it, tried to brush it away in front of Sirius of all people. Remus who would rather continue in this sorrowful state then go against Sirius’ wishes. It might have been that Sirius would never understand how he deserved that boy but right now he felt like brick stones were raining down on his body because could it be true that Sirius was indeed the reason for these past harsh weeks. Whatever it was, Sirius made his decision in a split-second: Remus would skate. Remus would do whatever the fuck he had to do to feel better. Sirius would sacrifice his own well-being any time for that. And maybe that’s what made their love so precious and so horrible and so irresistibly addicting. They were both martyrs, both always ready to drown if it meant the other would swim. It was a never-waving story of torturing yourself, a fool-proof way of never letting go, even if they were clinging on with bloody nails and scratched fingers. They would eat themselves whole. And they already did.
“Remus, you have to skate again.”
“No- wait. I didn’t mean to-“ Remus was trying to sacrifice himself again but Sirius would have none of that.
He took both of Remus’ hands in his own and stared at Remus until their eyes were locked and nothing else existed besides the space between them, the breaths they shared. “I don’t care. I only want you to be happy, Moony. I will not be the reason you’re not. Don’t make me have to be it.”
A single tear rolled down Remus’ cheek and Sirius kissed it away softly. Always ready to die for him, or whatever, but also just loving him, desperately, yes, but mostly deeply and softly and sweetly. Remus had to be loved gently. Finally, Remus nodded, more like an afterthought but that was enough for Sirius for the moment.
“Okay,” Sirius sighed, feeling like a weight was off his chest, even as it was replaced by a different one. “Thank you for telling me. Do you think you could explain to me why not skating got you this low?” Remus licked away another tear that had found its way down his face and nodded again. His skin was still so pale, Sirius wanted to bruise it with his lips so that it could have some of its rosy colour back.
“I think- I think its what gives me control.” Remus’ voice was laced with that internal pain which he only bared to Sirius when it was absolutely necessary. Sirius stood up and dragged his chair to Remus’ side, he was sick of the table separating them. He pulled Remus close with his arm around his shoulder and pressed his head to his chest.
Softly, Remus continued speaking, almost in a whisper, “After the accident, I was not dealing well with being in situations which were out of my control. It made me uncomfortable, jittery and mostly angry. It got worse the older I got. I would lash out and act up and so on. So, one day my school counsellor had enough and she made me pick up a hobby, anything that would keep me occupied. I thought it was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard at the time, feeling treated like a toddler. But then she proposed skating to me and well that looked quite cool, I could even admit that as a moody teenager. I did it mostly to get her off my back but once I started I knew it was going to be a part of me. I used to feel like I was spinning through the air whenever I felt out of control. It felt like the moment after we’d hit that other car and were just spinning for a few seconds. It was horrible. And then I had to feel it again and again. But with skating- You know you’re spinning a lot too but this time I had control over it. Even when I fall, it’s in my control. So now whenever I am in a situation where it feels like I’m losing control I can deal with that. I just go skating and the feeling gets re-transformed.”
Remus finished speaking and looked up at Sirius with waiting eyes. “So, it’s like your outlet?” Sirius asked, gently caressing Remus’ head. It made sense, of course, it did. Sirius couldn’t believe how he hadn’t seen it sooner. Remus had always gone out skating when something made him upset. This must have also been why he had always needed an activity and be outside after he’d stopped skating. He had been looking for another outlet, Sirius realised.
Remus nodded and pressed his cheek deeper into Sirius’ chest. “Yea… I’m sorry.”
Sirius tutted, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry. I should have helped you out rather than taken it from you. I’ll come to the skatepark with you tomorrow. We will figure this out. Together.”
Remus laced their hands in his lap and pressed tightly. “Together.” He repeated.
And they did. The next morning Sirius picked Remus up to take the bus together and presented him with a new board since he’d, rather dramatically, broken his own. Remus’ smile didn’t only reach his dimples but split his whole face.
***
It was the day of the competition.
Sirius was perched in the stands next to Lily, Marlene and Dorcas. They had gathered earlier in the day for a picknick lunch with Remus and James, stretched out on checkered blankets until they had to leave to get to the skatepark on time. Sirius had kissed Remus good luck and looked over to see James blush furiously as Lily did the same to him.
Now, their boys were somewhere down there within the ramps and Sirius’ pulse was a gunfire. He trusted Remus to be careful but there was so much happening that it was hard to keep his eyes fixed to his boyfriend who was racing up and down in an increasing speed.
“He’s gonna be okay.” Marlene stroked his shoulder in an uncharacteristically sweet gesture and sent him a determined grin. Sirius tried to shake himself from his tense state but couldn’t complete swallow the lump in his throat.
“I know.” He said and cringed at how croaky it sounded. “I just want him to do well. He deserves to win.” His eyes finally zeroed in on Remus again who was doing a jump over some of the rails, earning him an enthusiastic whistle from somewhere in the stands. “Let’s go, Lupin!” Someone further up shouted and Sirius felt his heart swell with pride.
“Looks like he’s doing just that.” Marlene said and Sirius could hear the grin in her voice. “Would you find it hot if I started skating? Doesn’t look too hard to me.” This was directed at Dorcas who only snorted.
“Hot, yes, but I’m rather fond of your legs and your eye-feet coordination is not the best so…” Dorcas trailed off.
Sirius cackled and Marlene shoved her elbow in his ribs, making him lose Remus in the throng of the crowd again. He looked to his side with the aim to give Marlene an evil stare but he was immediately enamoured by the sight next to him. Marlene looked positively smitten as she continued her banter with her girlfriend. Sirius had never seen her so devoted, it was a good look on his usually so cool friend, he decided.
“Sirius?” Lily’s voice pulled Sirius’ attention to his other side.
“What?”
Lily was frowning, her eyes shooting from left to ride. “Can you see James?”
Sirius looked back at the ramps and spotted James’ mop of messy black hair and pointed right at him, “Yea, look over there.” Lily sighed with relief and pushed her lime green sunglasses up her nose, focused as ever. Sirius thought he saw his own tense state mirrored in her and so he asked, “Are you okay?”
Lily’s eyes stayed on James but she smiled warmly. “Never better. God, he looks good doing that, doesn’t he?” Sirius had to keep himself from laughing out-loud when he realised that Lily’s stiff body was probably not due to worry but good-old horniness.
“Sure does, Lils.” Sirius couldn’t help the smirk from taking over his entire face. Lily finally seemed equally obsessed with James and his worry for his best friend’s heart grew slightly more quiet. He supposed he would never stop worrying about James and the way he always seemed too ready to give his heart away but he was glad Lily was the one holding it this time.
“We’re lucky, aren’t we?” Lily said just as Sirius’ eyes finally found Remus’ figure again.
Sirius licked his lips and stared at his boyfriend with a swell of pure happiness. “So lucky.” Then he added under laughs, “I can’t believe we’re both dating skater boys right now.”
“And soon Dorcas will date a skater girl.” Marlene said from his side and the whole group broke into giggles.
“Oh, look!” Lily suddenly exclaimed, pointing towards one of the highest ramps. Sirius spotted Remus speeding straight towards it. “I think he’s gonna do a trick.”
Sirius’s heart skipped a beat and everything around him turned silent. He bit his lip and stared with wide eyes as Remus took the ramp with considerable speed and took off into the air. He grabbed his board with his left hand and was almost leaning completely sideways. As he turned around 180 degrees, the underside of his new board was visible to the stands where Sirius and the others were sitting.
Remus landed perfectly and the entire crowd erupted into cheers. Sirius’ heart was so full of love for his skater boy that he almost started to cry. How precious, how wonderful it was to be in love like that. Scary, sure, but Sirius would trade anything if it meant he would be with Remus forever.
“Holy shit!” Marlene disrupted Sirius’ smitten thoughts as she shoved his side. “Is that- Did you paint that?” She asked disbelievingly.
Sirius grinned as he thought back to how he had customised Remus’ new skateboard before giving it to him. Instead of a plain black underside, there was now a whole night sky, full of constellations and a big full moon. Right next to it, he had painted the brightest star in the sky. Sirius and Moony. He had given Remus that board with a promise and he fully intended to keep it. For as long as the moon and the star shared the night sky, so would Sirius devote his full being, every fibre and every particle, to Remus.
As Sirius kissed Remus stupid at the after party, he thought of their first meeting, of chance and fate and how he couldn’t imagine his life without Remus ever again. He really needed to thank James, he would never judge him for his new obsessions again. But at the same time, he couldn’t help but feel like falling in love with Remus had been inevitable. He was sure that there was no sky and no earth where Sirius didn’t find Remus.
In every universe, in every story, they would always find each other.