The day Sirius Black leaves his home, he leaves all his regrets behind. He leaves the marks his family have given him in the dark depths of Grimmauld Place. He knows he has no regrets.
Except for one.
Regulus.
Now, Sirius has always taken pride in his little brother. Up until he left, Sirius never once looked down upon Regulus. He knew neither of them ever had a choice of what was theirs, what words they’d say, or what their fate would be. So naturally, Sirius took Regulus and kept him close as if he wouldn’t be able to handle the thought of him being misguided or treated horribly. Obviously Sirius knows that isn’t true now. He was never Regulus’ keeper. He could never have protected him from their mother forever.
When he ran away into the warm arms of James Potter, his only regret lay stuck in a mausoleum of decay that ate them both alive.
It’s now Sirius’ Seventh year at Hogwarts. Regulus’ sixth. He doesn’t know if Regulus was devoured with the rest of everybody innocent that dared touch any part of Grimmauld Place.
Regulus’ mean streak grew after Sirius left, and now that he’s back from summer, the scowl that had been permanently etched onto his face, was replaced with what can only be inferred as emptiness.
“Do you think Reg is okay?” Sirius asks quietly, turning his head to face James.
James looks up from his porridge and his eyes skim over to the Slytherin table where Regulus is sat next to Dorcas Meadowes, Pandora Rosier, Evan Rosier and Barty Crouch Jr.
“He looks sort of empty? Like there’s nothing behind his face,” James replies, eyes squinting in concern. “I’ve never seen him like that before.”
“I’m worried about him.” Sirius admits, head hung with shame. He picks up a cup of milky tea from the middle of the table and sips it. Beside them Sirius can see Remus, also drinking tea, reading a book.
“It’s okay to be worried, Pads. He’s your brother.” James replies with a warm smile that comforts Sirius immediately.
Sirius nods in return, going back to his tea and turning away from Regulus to watch Remus. “Hey Moony?”
Remus pauses his book— Emma by Jane Austen — and looks up. His hair is messy today and his eyes look tired. The full moon is in about three days, so he’s at the stage where lack of sleep hits him hard.
“Yes?” Remus replies.
“Tell me about your book.” Sirius smiles. He loves asking about Remus’ books.
“Well, so far Emma is a matchmaker in the making. She tries to match this character called Harriet with the local vicar. Emma persuades Harriet to refuse a marriage proposal from Robert Martin, a respectable young farmer, although Harriet likes him. Mr. Elton, a social climber, mistakenly believes Emma is in love with him and proposes to her. When Emma reveals she believed him attached to Harriet, he is outraged, considering Harriet socially inferior. After Emma rejects him, Mr. Elton goes to Bath and returns with a pretentious, nouveau-riche wife, as Mr. Knightley expected he would do. Harriet is heartbroken, and Emma feels ashamed about misleading her.”
“Wow, Emma sounds incompetent, and Mr. Elton is a twat.” Sirius concludes, looking at Remus who looks back at him with a giant smile on his face.
“My thoughts exactly, Padfoot.” Remus replies before gulping down his tea.
“Well, when you finish, tell me more?” Sirius asks with a foreign politeness. He knows Remus won’t do this for everybody. He knows Remus doesn’t even do it for Lily. He knows Remus Lupin only reads to him and tells him the entire story of a book, even if he’s tired and not in the mood. When he is, Sirius makes him take a break to breathe, then they both sit down and read. This happens often enough to make him long for it.
Sirius expects Remus to just nod or whisper a quick word of reassurance. Instead he says, “Who else would I tell?” and picks up the book again with one swift move.
Sirius can feel his face heating up as he chokes and sputters. Who else would I tell? You only tell me the stories? About anything and everything? You only tell me what your favourite everything’s are.
Suddenly, he’s knocked out of his trance when he feels a foot knock against his under the table. It’s a gentle tap, like a sort of reminder that he’s in the middle of the Great Hall. Looking around, he can see that James is occupied talking to Peter about something passionately, and the girls are talking and laughing. The only suspect is Remus.
Sirius continues his staring, when suddenly another tap comes. He looks under the table and— Remus’ foot is tapping me, he thinks.
When he looks back up, Mr Remus Lupin is peacefully reading. He’s not reacting to the fact that his feet are now intertwined with Sirius’, and he’s not affected by the fact that it feels incredibly right.
Sirius’ right foot moves up further, sliding up to wrap around Remus’ calf. He moves it up and down, stroking the trousers that just barely fit his lanky legs. He imagines what it would feel like for someone to do that to him.
But this time, Remus’ breath sharpens and he looks down at their feet. He feels Remus shiver, so he continues.
Soon, Sirius feels a foot slide up his calf and he knows instantly, why Remus acted the way he did. It feels strange, but very nice. The soft material combined with the boots that are caressing his leg make a lovely match. Sirius smiles to himself and looks up.
When he does, he realises Remus is already staring at him.
Sirius winks.
And, well Remus, Remus looks like he’s going to collapse. His face looks pure and full of joy from the attention his leg is getting.
It’s adorable.
Sirius relishes in it, the feeling of being able to stump Remus Lupin is truly a power trip that Sirius doesn’t think he’ll be able to give up.
“You okay, Moony?” James asks from beside him.
“Hm? Oh yes! I-i’m okay!” Remus smiles slightly as Sirius exploringly lifts his foot higher up his leg, reaching his knee. Sirius feels Remus’ foot travel up higher as well, which makes him smile at Remus wildly. The thrill of doing this unnoticed is worth everything that makes Sirius, Sirius. His best friend. What would James think if he found out Sirius Black liked boys? He doesn’t think he’d be able to live without James Potter and his endless kindness.
He decides not to think to much about it. Right now, he needs Remus to go with him.
“I’m gonna go to the dorm quickly. Moony, can you help me?” Sirius says quickly, already getting up and untangling his legs from Remus’. He sees Remus straighten up and put a bookmark in his book.
“Yeah, okay Padfoot. Let’s go.” Remus replies hastily, getting up so quickly that he manages to get his foot stuck on the inside of the bench, which causes him to fall backwards as he stands up.
It’s absolutely hilarious.
“Oh my god, Remus!” Lily Evans shouts from her spot. She jumps up, her red hair falling in her face, and immediately goes to Remus, who now was on the floor, groaning.
Sirius snorted immediately. Around them people turned and stared, some with concern, some with amusement.
“Moony,” Sirius managed to say inbetween laughs. “Moony, what are you doing on the floor? Get up!”
Remus shot him a glare. “Yes Padfoot! I will! I’m just currently occupied, by being on the bloody floor!” He yelled.
Sirius continued laughing all the way until Remus managed to get up. James on the other side of him fell into laughs too, as did Peter. Sirius swore he also saw a hint of a smile on Lily’s face.
Their tea was left untouched for the rest of breakfast.
***
It was confusing for everyone seeing Sirius and Remus running to the common room on a Tuesday morning.
They had their secret, it matters what you do, not what you are, right?
Sirius had been thinking about Remus from his bed for years. Always thinking, what would Remus do? What does Moony think? Always seeking an ounce of approval from the other boy.
When they both reached their room, the second the door was closed, Sirius felt bold. He was tired of chasing silently after Remus.
“Moony,” Sirius began. They were both near the door, and he had his back against it, making Remus peer over him. Remus’ eyes flickered from Sirius’ eyes to his lips. “what are we doing?”
He felt Remus let out a shaky breath. “I have no idea, Pads.”
“Have I ever told you that I really love your eyes?” Sirius smiled, “Like they’re such a gorgeous shade of brown, almost like chocolate.”
“My eyes? What about your eyes?” Remus replied. “They’re hypnotic.”
Sirius let out a small laugh as Remus continued. “And don’t even get me started on your hair, like it drives me crazy—“
He was interrupted when Sirius gave up on controlling himself. He pressed his lips against Remus’, not deeply or slowly, just a quick peck.
The room was silent. The only sound came from the short breaths that Sirius was making.
“Moony? I’m sorry—-“
There.
Remus shot forward so fast that they both nearly toppled. He grabbed the sides of his face and then it happened. They were kissing. Properly.
And it was fucking magical.
Their lips melded with each other’s perfectly, and it felt like all the parts that had been missing had been filled completely. Remus let go of his head and moved his hands to cup Sirius’ cheeks. He felt Remus’ tongue lick his bottom lip, which made him shiver so violently that it almost hurt.
Then Sirius opened his mouth and he could taste the sweetness of Remus’ tongue on his own. They were full blown snogging now, and it wasn’t neat. Sirius’ arms went immediately around Remus’ neck, pulling himself closer in the process.
He pulled away for a moment, watching Remus open his eyes and look at Sirius with a look that he wished he could’ve framed.
“Tell me everything about you. What you love, what you hate. I know so much about you, but I want to know everything.”
Remus smiled.
“Oh Padfoot, who else would I tell?”