“I like of being your friend, Panda. Please, don't think anything bad about yourself.” Regulus says, while Pandora sobs on his shoulder. Her parents apparently had told her that she was a bad daughter, and now she needed someone.
“I hope you know that i enjoy being your friend too, Reg.” She says, and it’s almost crude. Regulus swallows.
“Yes, yes i know.”
That was one month ago.
Now, Regulus was sobbing, completely alone. He was somewhere on the woods of Hogwarts, but he didn’t know where. He had a bag, filled with cigarettes, a blade and a bunch of letters. James had the two, because Regulus couldn’t get everything in only one paper.. Sirius’, Pandora’s, Evan’s, Barty’s, Dorca’s and even one for Remus.
He was ready to go.
He gets the blade, and slices his wrists open. He usually did it on his shoulder, but it wouldn't matter anymore.
He thinks he hears something, but it might be just the fear of dying playing a trick on him.
He continues doing it, opening his wrist. He had done 5 cuts when he saw something in the woods, approaching him. He couldn’t see much in the dark, but he thinks it’s a deer and a dog together. What the fuck is a deer doing at hogwarts? He thinks, and immediately feels bad. He can’t do this in front of the animals. It made him feel bad for them, having to see something so horrible.
He puts the blade on his side, resting on the grass. The deer comes closer. It takes a good look at Regulus, and then at the dog. They seem to be close, because the dog comes to smell the boy. Regulus laughs, for the first time in a long, long time. The dog does what can be seem as a smile, and then sits besides Regulus.
“No.” Regulus says. “Please, go away. I can’t do this in front of you, but I really need to do this.” The dog rests it’s head on Regulus' lap. “Please, you don’t understand how important this is. I can lose my chance to do it later.”
The deer stares, and then sits on the floor, as if waiting for a story time.
“Please.” He pleads. “Please, let me get what I want.” The dog gets even more comfortable on Regulus lap, which probably means he won't be able to leave so soon.
“Okay.” He quits. “I’ll stay here for as long as you want. Who cares. I don’t need to drink water anyway. I don’t need to clean myself, right? Who cares.” He tries, staring at the dog, who does nothing. “I quit.” Regulus says, as he lays his head on the ground.
At some moment, he fell asleep.
When he wakes up, he’s not in the woods. He’s at his brother’s room, sleeping with Sirius, who holds him almost as if scared that Regulus can disappear at any second.
“Regulus?” He hears someone calling him.
“Hm?”
“It 's Remus. I think you should come now, I can clean… you.” It’s said almost as if the word ‘wrist’ can make Regulus have a panic attack.
“If you could take your boyfriend off me, I would go.”
“Oh.” Remus opens the curtain, just to find Sirius almost squeezing Regulus. “I’m sorry for him. Yesterday was a rough night.”
“I know.”
“Yeah.” It’s not uncomfortable, but weird. Remus seems to be doing his best to now wrap Regulus on a blanket and treat him like a baby for the rest of their lives.
“Get him off.”
“Oh! Of course, sorry.” He goes to the other side of the bed, taps Sirius on the shoulder and whispers something in his brother’s ear. It’s incredible, Regulus thinks, How they act so much alike. Almost as if they were made for each other.
Regulus wonders if he will ever have someone like this for him. Probably not.
Sirius gets off Regulus, but doesn’t open his eyes. He continues to sleep not so quietly, snoring sometimes. Oh, how Regulus missed this.
“Come on, the things are in the bathroom.”
Regulus gets up, trying not to wake up the other in the room with him.
Remus doesn’t talk while cleaning Regulus, and the boy notices how Remus is good at it. Almost as good as Pomfrey, and he wonders why. But he doesn’t talk. He never does.
“So,” Remus starts, and Regulus sighs. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not with you.”
“Do you want me to call Pandora? Sirius doesn’t want you to leave, but he won’t care if I bring one or two people here.”
“Okay.”
“Regulus?”
“What?”
Remus pauses, before saying “Nothing.” and then leaving.
Regulus showered and used his brother’s products. He got Remus’s clothes, because they were more comfortable. He hoped it wouldn’t be a problem, because he loved the wool sweater.
He sat on Remu’s bed, the only one that was empty, he guessed. Sirius’s bed was the only one that wasn’t with the curtain’s closed, and Regulus liked it that way.
He hears two knocks at the door, and immediately recognises them. Pandora. They had created this sistem, where one knock, barely audible, would mean that one of them had someone with them. Two strong knocks would mean that they’re coming in, whether the other likes it or not. Three would mean trouble. Four mean “I need you, now.”.
He doesn’t say anything. He just waits until Pandora comes in.
“Hi, Reg.” She says, and Remus raises an eyebrow. “How are you?”
“I think you know the answer.” He says, blankly. She stares, and kneels down in front of him. She looks at every detail of Regulus' body.
“Where?”
“Be more specific, please. Do you want to know where I went or where I have the scars?”
“It depends. Peter told me you were in the woods, but nothing more.” She looked at Remus, who was now doing his own things, and getting ready for class. “Do you mind if we.. I smoke here?” She asks, gently.
“Not at all.”
She gives Regulus one cigarette, probably ‘one of Peter’s special ones’ and then gets one for herself. “Talk.” She doesn’t ask, she demands.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know, Reg. But I need more than this.” She goes over to the window, opens it and then sits beside it, tapping the floor. “Come here, Leo.”
“That’s a new one.”
“Uhum, Barty teached me about the stars. I like your name more now, you know.” She takes a drag on her cig. “Reg.” It’s a more serious tone, he notices. Now, they’re talking. “Why?” She asks. He can feel that Remus is paying attention to the conversation now, just pretending to read on his bed.
“I’m tired, Panda. I don’t want to go back to that house this summer. I don’t want to go to the Potters either. I don’t want to be here for the summer. It’s hard, an old feeling.”
“You know, if I remember well, you once told me during third year that you loved the summer. Because you could go to the lake near to your house and Sirius would try to teach you how to swim, and you would have so much fun. This summer, I can convince our friends to go on a trip. We can go to the beach. I can teach you how to swim, and we can enjoy it.”
“Too good, isn’t?”
“No, Reg. It’s perfect. It’s what you need, and what everyone wants. If we want to, we can do it. You just have to agree, and i’ll take you out of that house.”
“It’s sweet, Panda. Maybe one day. If it gets too bad, I’ll warn you.” He finally takes a drag on his cigarette. “But I won’t accept it today.”
“Take your time, Reggie. Just don’t die there. You know i have a weak heart.”
“I won’t die, Panda. Now you’re the one being silly.”
“I’m being realistic.”
He takes another drag.
“You saw what they did to Sirius, Reg. You can’t give them the chance to do the same to you.” She stares at him. “Regulus, please. Look at me.”
He does it.
“Please.” She pleads.
“You know why I can't.”
She doesn’t answer. The room is quiet, the only sound they can hear is Remus turning the page of the book he’s reading.
After some minutes (hours? Regulus doesn’t know), they hear Sirius waking up. He yawns, and then sounds panicked.
“Moony?”
Pandora points at the door, and then asks Remus something that Regulus doesn’t understand. She doesn’t open her mouth, she just uses her eyes. It’s what makes Pandora, well, Pandora. She can do things that no one can.
Remus nods, and she grabs Regulus hand and leaves the room.
When they’re already in the common room, Pandora throws her cigarette out the window, and Regulus does the same. She doesn’t usually do this, but now, Regulus is more important.
“What do you want to do now?”
“Finish what I started yesterday.”
“Very funny. I meant, what do you want to do now, that I and our friends know about your attempt. Regulus, this is serious.”
“No it 's not. He’s in his room.”
“Reg. Please.”
“Let’s not talk about it.”
She sighs, and nods.
Regulus gets up and leaves, Pandora behind him. He doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn’t even know what exactly happened. He doesn't know how he should feel now. It’s not numb, for the first time in forever. Maybe, just maybe, it’s a good sign.