"Moony," at first it's a hesitant whisper trying to get his attention. "Moony," repeated with greater force. "Remus, it's an emergency. I need you, it's about Sirius, can you come to my house?" James' voice sounded quite panicked, even though he was trying hard to hold it in so as not to alarm his friend.
"Huh?" Remus replied, sleepy and tired. James? What was he doing here?
"I know you're not in the best mood and condition, the full moon was yesterday and if you don't want to of course I don't force you. I just- I just didn't know who else could help," James mumbles and apologizes immediately, says it was stupid and promises he can handle it himself, but something in his voice betrays that this isn't true.
"James, I'll be there in two minutes, okay?" Remus assures, a reassuring smile on his lips, he doesn't need to know what happened, the important thing is that James needs him, more importantly, Sirius needs him.
What could have happened? Why was James so concerned and worried? As for Sirius... after all, they got very few messages from him during the holidays, maybe James just got one? Or maybe he saw something disturbing in the mirror when they were talking to each other? Remus didn't know what to think, how was he supposed to be able to help?
He understood when, being in the living room of Mr. and Mrs. Potter, he noticed on the couch a blood-stained shirt that did not belong to James.
Oh no, it wasn't James' blood, it was... Sirius's.
He had time to say hello to Mrs. and Mr. Potter, who were bustling around the kitchen with worried expressions on their faces muttering something to each other every now and then, he had time to ask where he could find James before his brain switched to a full panic mode.
His eyes darted around the living room for more tracks, he could smell Sirius, he must be close. But what is he doing here? Why is he at James' house? What terrible thing must have happened?
James appeared within his sight, he didn't even manage to say anything, only his depressed gaze reached Remus.
"Where is he?" Remus asks immediately, his voice dangerously high with fear.
It was bad, must have been very bad. If Sirius was here and not at his house, if James was so down and his parents so worried, if the blood on Sirius's shirt hadn't dried yet... it was bad.
It was bad and Remus didn't know how to prepare for it, James squeezed his hand, not knowing whether to reassure himself or him, his hands were shaking.
James was trembling all over, these emotions were clearly too much for him. Remus didn't know how to help him, he closed him in an embrace.
"James you are good, I'm sure you did everything you could, you're a good friend, James, you're good," he assures in soothing whisper. He knows James needs it.
"The point is-" James stops, doesn't know what to say, his face red from crying, his lips puffed and his eyes tired, it's like he hasn't slept all night, and maybe that's true. "I don't know what to do," he whispers desperately. "I had no idea what to do, and now– I can't do it on my own, he's– I–" James' words don't string together into coherent sentences and that worries Remus. What must have happened? How bad is it?
"It's not your fault," That's Remus' response, those are good words to say to someone like James, James needs them and they're universal, no matter what happened.
Remus doesn't know why he continues the conversation, he wants to cheer up James? Or maybe just delay the moment that awaits him, the moment when his world will fall apart.
"It's still better..." James starts uncertainly, he doesn't know how to prepare Remus for what he's going to see, they're standing in front of the door, the room right next to James' room.
"Sirius it's me, James," he warns not loudly but not quietly as if he's afraid to scare him, maybe he's actually afraid. "I'll go inside, I'm not alone, okay?" James continues to anticipate what he is going to do but they don't get any answer.
"He doesn't say much," James reveals quietly. Right... when he's not screaming in pain and fear... Sirius doesn't say anything, it's true "at least now he's not begging for death or to kill him, it is better" James' eyes are simply wet, full of tears he's trying hard not to let out.
Remus blinks, not allowing himself to make sense of James's words for now.
A moment later they will make sense, but in a moment, Remus has the last second to protect his brain from the inevitable.
James pulls the handle slowly, very carefully, as if signaling that it has been pressed and giving Sirius time to react before pushing the door open.
He finally opens it, steps inside on wobbly legs, Remus right behind him.
Remus smells blood in the air, and it's an intimidating amount, he swallows nervously.
He directs his gaze to the bed where he expects to find Sirius, his Sirius.
Oh, Merlin...
The boy is lying upright with his hands clasped over his chest, his face is deathly pale, his lips are blue, his eyes are puffy, white bandages are sticking out from under his shirt to the length of his hands, his neck and legs are also covered, you can see it because he's wearing over the knee shorts and a t-shirt, it's James' clothes, all white.
Remus doesn't ask why and James doesn't say how Sirius screamed and how he was breaking free from the arms that held him upright whenever anything red was around him, anything to do with gold and red, the colors of Gryffindor, the colors of their house. They were filling Sirius with panic at the moment.
James had most of the clothes in his house colors but at that moment he had to pull something else out of the bottom of the closet, something that wouldn't give his friend a panic attack.
Sirius stares blankly at some spot on the ceiling, he looks dead, like a corpse laid out on the sheets. It's just an empty body, a remnant of a human being, a mere skeleton. The only thing that distinguishes him from dead at the moment is his slightly and barely floating chest and his eyes that blink twice a minute.
The sight of his tired and emotionless body makes something unpleasant sting in Remus' heart, he feels nauseous at the thought of bruises and wounds hiding under the bandages.
Sirius is covered in bandages as if his whole body needs healing, and maybe it really is, maybe that's what it's all about.
Remus approaches slowly, as if he were approaching a wounded wild animal afraid to scare it away, he is close now, he has Sirius within arm's reach, he sits on the edge of the bed and takes a deep breath. His heart aches, his chest burns and his throat tightens with stress and held back tears.
"Sirius, love, hi," it's a faint whisper.
This gentle statement and very tender words attract the attention of Sirius, his eyes, so empty and without the slightest emotion, look at the person next to him.
Suddenly something appears in Sirius's eyes, it's a glow, but, it's not happiness, it's fear.
Remus feels the sharp panic that runs through Sirius when he starts screaming
"No!" He's shaking. "NO, NO, no, no, no," he repeats in panic, suddenly rising to a sitting position, he moves to the farthest corner of the bed, curled up in a ball of fear and pain.
He hurts himself by curling up, changing the position takes a lot of effort and takes a lot of energy, it produces a lot of pain and Sirius did it hastily and he immediately regrets it because his body is in terrible pain, sobs fall from his mouth again and again.
"Don't touch me, go away, go away, I don't want to see you, get out, get out right now. I don't want you here, go, leave, leave me alone, get out," Sirius repeats frantically, as if having Remus here will suddenly make things worse.
His words are a mess, a mix of sobs, screams and tears. His voice is scratchy and rough, his throat is also sore, he is in pain, even his words hurt him.
"Moony, leave," James whispered.
Remus blinks, finally moves, his movements are slow, they're mechanical, he can't control them, his mind is overloaded with Sirius being damaged to the point he doesn't want him around, he always wanted Remus next to him.
Remus comforted him, supported him and helped him and they were always close and now?
It's terrible, it's a terrible feeling to suddenly go from someone who gives yo solace to someone who inspires fear.
It's terrible, especially because Sirius was never, ever afraid of him. Never. Even when he discovered that he was a werewolf, even if he was with him during his transformations, even when Moony attacked him... Sirius was never afraid of him.
That had changed today and Remus wanted to understand why.
"I'll - I'll be outside the door," he decides it's worth saying, that it's worth reassuring him anyway that he's not going anywhere, that he'll stay, that he'll wait and if anything, he'll be close by. That if Sirius changes his mind, if he needs him, he'll be here.
He does it because he has learned how much such reassurance can give, how much it helps, and because Sirius has always given him such reassurance. When Remus used to scream, telling Sirius to leave him, when things were bad, Sirius always assured him that if anything, he would still be there. Always.
"Sirius, hey, Sirius," James draws his best friend attention, for a moment he is given a look, short but enough. Sirius already remembers. James is safe. "You are safe, you are safe now," he assures with force.
It's like he's done it many times before (maybe he did).
"Safe," the words sounds strange from Sirius' mouth, he tastes them feeling them on his tongue as if he doesn't understand their meaning, as if he doesn't know what they mean. "No, no, no, no, no," he repeats uneasily. Tears well up in his eyes.
"Safe," James repeats, there is not an note of hesitation in his voice, he does not falter, though you expect him to. He will repeat it as many times as necessary until Sirius finally understands and remembers.
"Breathe with me," James pleads, as if he had done it many times before. "One breath in, one breath out, it's all right, one breath in, one breath out, it's okay, one breath in, one breath out, you're safe, breathe in, breathe out, no one will hurt you, one breath-"
James seems to know what he's doing.
However, no.
James decides to make a bold move, to touch Sirius' hand. He wants to comfort him, he wants to support him. He wants to help, he wants nothing but good but something else comes out.
It's a wheezing breath taken halfway, it's a sudden trembling of the body and tears streaming down the cheeks, it's not a scream, this time it's just a plea.
"Please do not," it's a broken sentence but James listens to it, he apologizes.
Sirius Black is nothing if not brave and strong, he is so strong, but right now... now he is weak and James didn't think the sight would hurt so much.
James' mother enters the room, the woman has a basket full of bandages, she also has a tray full of healing potions and tea.
"Darling look, there's no wand, okay?" Is the first thing Euphemia said when she enters.
Oh yes, wands, they were banned in the Potter house at the moment.
It was terrible when Fleamont had to hold the boy by force, (but even that was no use) and their hearts ached too much as he kicked and struggled, trembling and begging them to stop, fearing they would hurt him, even if they assured they had no intention of doing so. No matter how much they assured him and he nodded that he understood, the sight of the wand pointed at him still made him tense and insecure.
They had to treat his wounds, they had to do it and the best opportunity (even though it was painful) was when he was unconscious. They tried many other methods, but but they were not very effective and not all spells can be translated into potions.
"You're going to drink some water first, okay, darling? Then you'll take some medicine to get you back on your feet, you'll feel better," Effie assures calmly. It's better now, Sirius is much better. He mostly ignored her, which Effie thinks is much better than crying, screaming and panicking at the sight of her. "And then we'll change the dressings, okay?" And as Sirius did not react to any of her words now he shakes his head fearfully denying it, not wanting it. Euphemia sighs softly.
"I know it's hard darling but we'll manage okay? Together, slowly, just me and you, no one else okay? I will help," Sirius still shakes his head with tears in his eyes but now not as convinced as he was, as if he's slowly giving up, knowing there's no way out.
Effie doesn't know how much willingness to cooperate there is in Sirius, whether he is outweighed by the desire to get rid of the pain and trust her. Maybe he is driven by the fear that if he doesn't listen to her, she will punish him. She probably doesn't want to know.
"Stay," it's a single word, but it's the only type Sirius has been using for now.
Speaking - for now, it's just single words (screaming is another thing) and that's okay because Sirius is slowly coming back to himself. It's hard for him and no one blames him.
They would be cruel to ask him to be a normal version of himself with the enormous amount of pain he carries on his shoulders right now.
James stays, stays sitting next to his best friend, because James gives him comfort, because James is the ray of light that Sirius fights for.
Because for now James is his everything. James is his safe place, his anchor. His light. Sirius had to learn it again but it didn't take him long this time, a few hours and James was his James again.
When the moment comes when the medicine is taken and the potions are drunk and the only thing left to do is tend to the wounds, put on a cooling gel and new bandages, Sirius stiffens.
Effie waits patiently for Sirius to take off his shirt himself, it takes him a lot of pain and effort, his hands are hard to lift above his head but he tries and Effie lets him because if she undressed him she would risk crying and she was sick of seeing the pain of her boy.
He didn't deserve it.
It wasn't the first time she had dealt with Sirius, she knew him, she talked to him quite often, they sent each other letters, James talked about him all the time, he visited her home, he even sent her Christmas presents. She knew this boy.
She had loved Sirius from their first meeting and now? Now her mother's heart was burning with fire because someone had hurt her child so cruelly.
"I'll leave," James says quietly, he doesn't want to look at his friend's wounds or his blue body, he saw it out of the corner of his eye... the first time and passed out, the next time he vomited, now he didn't know how he would react but he knew that Sirius didn't want to show himself to anyone in this state.
So weak and feeble, it's pathetic .
Effie had some magical power that soothed Sirius, (maybe it's just motherly love) that allowed him to breathe deeply.
His eyes shut tight when he's lying on the bed half naked, and Effie did her best to touch him only when absolutely necessary, Sirius avoided touching, maybe because it hurt or maybe because of unpleasant memories, maybe both.
She didn't get angry with him when he suddenly struggled, when he fainted or vomited while she cared for him, she just looked at him with tenderness and pain covered with love.
It was hard for Sirius to look into her eyes at first, they were so kind and warm, it made him cry and his eyes were too tired to cry.
Euphemia was a mom in a completely different way than his mother.
Sirius Black knew something was wrong with him, he just felt it, he had always felt it, that strange feeling in the back of his head screaming that he wasn't like the others at all.
Sirius knew something was wrong with him, but he didn't know what exactly.
(Maybe there were just too many of these things?)
When he went to Hogwarts, he was eleven years old and was just learning that love looked different than the one in his home, that love didn't have to be worked for, that love wasn't earned, that it wasn't fought for, that it didn't hurt.
He was eleven years old, and he was learning that other parents didn't curse their children, that other parents loved their children unconditionally.
Sirius was loved... conditionally.
When he behaved well, when he was obedient, when he listened and respected adults, he got a little smile, a pat on the shoulder, sometimes even a hug. Sometimes he got love.
But still, he was eleven years old when he heard "I love you" for the first time, he cried then, he cried because those were James's words. His best friend told him he loved him, and Sirius didn't even do anything to deserve those words. He just was... he was himself.
In the Black household, feelings were not talked about, and what's more, they weren't expressed aloud.
Love in the Black house was silent, there were short glances, small smiles, shaking hands, but words? No.
Sirius understood quickly.
His family was fucked up and just plain dysfunctional, his family was wrong.
His dad didn't talk to him about the mistakes he made, didn't take away his things when he did something inappropriate, didn't take away his money when he misbehaved, no. His dad preferred violence as a solution.
The family ring on Orion's finger burned Sirius' delicate skin so often, the thought that this ring would one day be passed down to him, that he would wear it, that he would use it to administer justice too, made him feel sick.
Sirius didn't get sent to his room for talking back to his parents, his parents didn't ground him, no, but instead he always got a wand aimed at him.
The number of times he was forced to clean up "the mess he made" scrubbing his own blood from the carpet and floor was... painful.
This shouldn't have happened.
Sirius was a child, he shouldn't have been punished, beaten, starved.
His parents were awful. They hated him.
No they did not!
They loved him.
They loved him.
They did.
They still do. A small, weak voice in Sirius's head tried to break through and convince him.
Because his parents loved him.
They loved Sirius and Sirius loved them. It was a strange form of love, but it existed.
No matter how bad they were, they loved him.
Sirius knew they loved him. Maybe they weren't like other parents, maybe they didn't show it often, maybe they didn't tell him that, but they loved him.
They had to, right?
He was their child and parents love their children, he was no exception...right?
"Moony," James smiles weakly as he sits down at the table with his friend and his dad, Fleamont took care of Remus when James was inconvenient "sorry, I'm so sorry... I thought, I thought that with you it would be better," he confesses quietly, embarrassed. He wanted to help and all he did was bring pain to his friend...
James really thought that a familiar face, a person he loved, would make Sirius feel better.
"Don't worry, it's not your fault," Remus assures quietly.
"No," he shakes his head, disagreeing "I could have foreseen it because I'm his best friend, I know him, I was here and I knew that when he saw me– " he snaps suddenly biting his tongue, he shouldn't have said it, he should have kept it to himself even if it hurts.
"What did he say? What did he do?" Remus asks concerned. It must be something important, something big. James looks concerned.
"Well," James purses his lips.
Compared to James, Remus got a warm welcome from Sirius.
NO! Stop! Don't touch me, you're a fucking blood traitor, you're fucking mistake! Leave me alone, don't you dare, leave me alone, leave me. Stop! Let go, let go, let me go! I don't want to be here, I don't want to see you, I hate you. I hate you, do you understand!? We're not friends! Let me go! I do not want to know you! You mean nothing to me, do you understand? Just leave! GET OUT
At least Sirius didn't yell in Remus' face that he hated him.
James cried even though he knew Sirius didn't mean it. It hurt, but he didn't want to go back to that, didn't want Sirius to feel regret and guilt, he couldn't control himself back then and–
"James?" Remus raised an eybrow, waiting for an answer.
"Right um, he said something about me being a blood traitor and that he hates me," he summarizes, trying to hide the pain in his voice but failing.
"Oh shit," Remus mumbles, it was bad, so fucking bad. "What did they do to him?" He whispers, horrified at the mere thought of it.
"Well, it was crucio but not only that, it's a lot of curses, we're still working out how to take some of them off, it's also physical violence but that's mostly healed, magical wounds are the worst. But he's better now, don't worry boys, we'll help him," it's Fleamont's calm voice, he may not show it all that much but it hurts him a lot.
This poor boy... poor child, hurt so cruelly just because... why exactly? What parent is capable of treating their child this way? There is no excuse for this.
"But- but why?" Remus whispered.
"Sirius is 16," informs James as if that explains everything "he refused to accept the dark mark," he adds quietly, very quietly.
"They couldn't make him," Remus stands firm. "Could they?" He asks less confidently. "They couldn't," to accept the sign you have to want it, otherwise it won't work. He knows it.
"They couldn't, which didn't stop them from almost killing him," James whispers, Remus had never seen him so depressed.
"They wouldn't– they wouldn't, they couldn't!" Remus's panicked voice rings in James's ears, who just purses his lips.
"If he stayed there a little longer...who knows," Fleamont replies. The boy was on the verge of death when he crossed the threshold of their house, who knows what would have happened if he had not come here, if he had stayed there.
Remus would like to believe it's a lie that it might not have happened but subconsciously he knows it could have happened because the Black's would rather have a dead son than a disobedient one.
Even the argument that he is their heir would not give anything, after all, they had a substitute, a spare. A perfectly obedient perfect Slytherin boy only a year and a half younger.
Sirius had no chance, he would have died there if he hadn't gone to the Potters.
Remus can't take it because it's too much, it's too heavy, he can't handle it, all the information and what he's seen, it's to much, he's falling apart.
Fortunately, James is at his side, James holding on, James pretending to hold on and comforting his friend, comforting Remus even though he doesn't know how.
He comforts Remus even though it's him, it's James who was woken up in the night by a loud bang in the living room. It was Sirius' body that crashed into the ground.
His parents quickly took care of him there, James wanted to help but they told him to go back to sleep. James couldn't sleep, he couldn't, not when he heard Sirius's agony scream.
How was he supposed to sleep when he could practically hear his best friend begging for death beyond the wall of his room?
He heard too clearly.
Please! Please just let me die, leave me, I'm begging you, don't touch, just, just, kill me, please, let me die now, I've had enough. I don't want to live, don't make me, it hurts, fuck how it hurts, leave, leave, let me die, I want, I want, I want, let me, let me die, kill me, let me stop feeling this pain, please let it stop, let it end, leave me, just leave, please.
It's a scream interspersed with tears, sobbing and spitting blood, it's a sore throat and hoarse syllables, it's choked words uttered breathlessly.
James cried that night. The night his friend's bloody body was found in his living room. One look at his friend's pale, barely conscious face made James cry hysterically.
Why some mothers don't love thier kids?
It hurt, his young heart hurt terribly.
But James was there. He was with Sirius all the time, he kept his distance, even if Sirius was pushing him, which didn't do much damage because he had practically no strength, he couldn't get up on his own, and he couldn't hit someone.
After that it got better, he stopped screaming and thrashing, he stopped begging for death, the pain became bearable, became bearable to the point where it let Sirius think about other things, like he was hungry, he wanted to take a shower or use the toilet.
James was there for him and listened, listened to the agony in which Sirius drowned.
Sirius feels like a kid again, talking to James about this for the first time. About his family and the punishments to which he was accustomed.
"Sometimes I think... I must deserve it. Because if I don't then... why it would happend so often? It must be my fault."
James would cry.
"Sirius, no, absolutely not," James denies tearfully.
But then was then and now is now.
"You don't deserve any evil," James whispers "it's not your fault that your parents are cruel, that they don't know what love is-" James' rant is cut off sharply.
"They love me, James, she loves me, my mother loves me," Sirius almost hissed.
Sirius knows it's true.
It's not ordinary love, but…
Yes, his mother starved him, it was true, but then, when his punishment was over, she always made Kreacher make his favorite dish.
Yes, his mother locked him in small dark rooms for long hours without food or water, but then she always let him out, she always let him out.
Yes, his mother cursed him and hexed him, but then she always bandaged his wounds or healed him after some time. (If she couldn't she ordered Kreacher to do it.) She always repaired the damage she had done to him.
Yes, his mother let Orion torture him, but then she always made it up to him, she gave him gifts.
Yes, his mother hurt him, but later she cried and apologized, admitting that she was a terrible mother and asking him to forgive her. (Sirius was a child, of course he forgave.)
Yes, his mother would shout at him for every deviation from the norm and every incorrigibility, but later Sirius would catch her smiling a little because of him.
Yes, his mother humiliated him but she always said he deserved it, she always gave him a chance to improve, to fix his mistake, it was his fault for not listening to the warnings.
She was terrible but she tried not to be. She didn't know any better, but she tried.
It was love right?
It was love.
It had to be.
"Sirius, she hurt you," James tried "This isn't love-"
"Yes, she hurt me but it was because she had no choice, she loved me, James, she still loves me, she does." Sirius presses. He will defend her, she is his mother.
"Sirius, she cast crucio on you," James emphasizes in despair that Sirius rejects it and doesn't understand it.
"She did it because she knew that if not her, someone else would do it! She preferred to do it herself rather than have one of the Death Eaters do it, she knew that this way she would spare me some pain, her crucio was weaker, much weaker than Orion's, let alone from a Death Eater, she was saving me." He shakes his head. "Did you know that crucio depends on the spell caster? Each one is different in its own way." He explains. "James, she was saving me, she was trying, in her own way."
This wasn't the first time, Walburga had done this, saved him, helped him.
Sirius remembers the first such moment, he was five years old and Walburga was begging Orion who was dragging the little boy behind him to his office to give the little boy his first proper punishment.
She was begging "Orion, please, he is too young, he is too little, to fragile, he is still a little child, please!" And then Orion slapped her saying "You are too weak for them, you forgive them too much, they never learn anything with a mother like you, it's embarrassing. If my son has to learn something, let him do it right away, the sooner he becomes obedient, the better."
Walburga learned to be better, she adapted and found a way, she became cruel to match Orion.
Sirius understands. To survive among the Blacks, you have to match them. You have to be strong enough, cruel enough, if you don't, they will crush you.
Walburga tried to match her husband to avoid his anger, to avoid the anger of family, but her hostility, her cruelty were incomplete, her punishments were always less severe, her look was always less hateful, and she always repaired the damage in the end...
That's what the Blacks were good at, at play, at pretending, at pretense.
Walburga loved Sirius. He was her beloved child, a special boy, she had expectations about him, of course, but most of all she loved him.
A smile played on her lips when Sirius laughed loudly, she smiled to herself when he did these little pranks, when he told her jokes, she didn't scold him.
Walburga loved him, in her own way.
Walburga's mother was cruel, she did not love her. She loved her sons, Walburga's brothers, they were important, needed, but Walburga? Her only daughter, beloved as it might seem, was only a problem for her, the only thing she wanted to do was to marry her off quickly.
Every member of the house of Black was a victim of generational trauma, but not all of them could overcome what they've been through.
Irma was pressured, even abused by her mother into greatness, but she still chose status over love and married into the house of Black, doing the same thing that her mother did to her to her only daughter. Walburga hated her mother and swore she'd never become her.
Walburga was afraid of one thing, that she would be like her mother, oh how much crying her first pregnancy had brought her, uncertainty and fear, because what if she didn't love her child, what if she ended up like her mother?
As a cruel, heartless beast. Walburga was afraid of this and yet...
She ended up walking in her shoes, wearing her dresses and using her punishments.
And she hated that even more, she hated herself. She became what she feared, a tyrant, an abuser and a coward.
She tried to be better but she didn't know any better.
Walburga was different, she was not what a Black should be, but her dreams were suppressed and trampled on in time before they could poison and affect her family.
Maybe she loved Sirius so much, because Sirius was everything she wanted to be and wasn't, maybe she loved Regulus so much, because he was exactly what he should be.
She loved her children and didn't want to lose them. At any cost, no matter how high.
Everyone kept telling her what a bad mother she was, that it was all her fault that Sirius was so spoiled, it was always her fault no matter what she did.
She tried and tried, but Sirius was not a good son, not for the Blacks.
Sirius was brave, he could argue, fight for himself, he had the qualities of an ideal leader, great hopes were placed in him, but the boy got into Gryfindor and a wave of hate flooded him, but he was still proud and stood straight.
Sirius was the ideal heir, he just needed a few corrections.
Quite an exceptionally talented wizard despite being a Gryffindor.
His parents tried to fix him at all costs, tried to do something, everything to hold him close despite everything.
But Sirius was smart, he knew it all.
His parents tried to fix him, and although until the age of eleven everything was bearable and somewhat nice, then the tragedy began because with each year Sirius disappointed them more, with each year he moved further and further away and they desperately tried to keep him close.
Sirius knew all this, how could he not? After all, he had spent too much time in the Black house not to learn to read his family like open books, he had to know them to survive, he had to know what, when, where and with whom he could afford if he didn't want to end up being punished.
That's why he saw which footsteps belonged to whom, how his father's voice changed when he was on the edge and if Sirius didn't back down it would be bad, how Walburga's eyebrows softened when he was charming to her.
He knew.
His parents were just trying to fix him, trying to make him good enough for them. Sirius understood that.
He remembers when he found out that Andromeda had escaped, he remembers how terrified he was. Not only was he losing his beloved cousin, oh no.
Sirius knew even then what his mother was afraid of. She was afraid that he will follow in Andromeda's footsteps.
Andromeda showed him that there is a way out, that he can fight, that it is worth it, she gave him hope and hope is something Walburga despises. (Maybe because she lost hers long ago.)
Sirius realized that now he would be punished more severely, that Walburga would do anything to keep him in the family. Sirius was already choking on her strength, and what if she decides to use all her power?
He loved her but couldn't stand her, does that make any sense?
Walburga was afraid that he would try to escape too, that he would oppose her too, so she had to remind him where his place was, she had to show him that there was no escape from her.
He belonged to her, he belonged to the Blacks.
"Mr. Black?" Minerva enters the Marauder's Dormitory after receiving a report from a concerned Mr. Potter. "What's wrong?" She asks gently, she had heard rumors spreading around school and was sure Sirius' condition had something to do with it.
The boy lies buried under the blankets in his bed, hiding his red, tearfull face in his pillow.
Sirius looks at her uncertainly, his lips quivering and he's about to burst into tears again, he doesn't know why but he trusts her, he trusts her because she is a bigger mother figure in his life than Walburga ever was and will be.
"I'm fourteen years old," he starts sniffling "I don't want to die," he whispers quietly.
Minerva opens her mouth in shock, she wants to tell him something, wants to comfort him but has no idea how.
Her warm hands wrap around this fragile little body, it hurts her heart like the boy flinched at this gesture, as if he was afraid that she would hurt him for for being weak, for his tears. She hugs him whispering soothing words.
"My mother is the worst person in the world and I am her favorite son."
"Sirius –" James falls silent and Sirius hit into him and hugs him tightly, and they stay like that.
"She loves me, right? She does, right?"
"Oh, Sirius..."
She might have hated him, but she knew his favorite book when she read to him at bedtime when he was little, so that counts for something, right?
She loves him, she loves him. She'll want him back, right? She will try for him, she will fight, right? She had done so much for him, she would let him come home, right?
When Sirius fell asleep, as usual, he had unpleasant dreams.
"You keep hurting me mum!" Sirius snaps "and you blame it on me! How is it my problem when you hurt me? Why is that my fault?" He asks, his voice breaking, he is all trembling and weeping.
The next dream is not better.
"You’re hurting me!" He shouted as rough hands yanked on his arms. He knew, he knew, that talking never helped but–
“You chose this Sirius. You’re choosing to be hurt."
He used to be so naive.
Oh poor little boy.
She hurt him but... that pain is a form of love, right? She just wanted to make him better, she didn't want to hurt him...
She wanted to make him better, to make him safer, so that others wouldn't attack him and hurt him.
Sirius wanted to go home and apologize to her, apologize for letting her down. Promise that it will get better.
They were his family, they were terrible, but they were his family but he wanted to apologize because even though he was on the opposite side in this war, he wanted to keep their love.
His head was an explosive mixture of dangerous thoughts, he was not thinking rationally. He couldn't, not after what happened to him.
Later, but it was after two weeks, when his wounds were practically healed, when he was able to move freely and his face regained color again, then it was better again, then he wanted to spend time with people and was slowly regaining his old self, drinking tea with Effie, sitting in the lab with Fleamont, playing chess with James.
It was better.
Remus didn't come, Sirius didn't want to, he didn't say why. However, Remus was waiting, waiting for a message, for information, in time it would surely come, Sirius would want to see him. Definitely, that's for sure. He would.
Sirius still hadn't told anyone what had happened that night, they knew very little, little bits of information, the most important ones.
- He had to take the dark mark
- He refused
- Torture
- He was here
That's all they knows.
James would come to him to comfort him even if Sirius would push him away, James would stay and say: tomorrow will be better and if it's not I'll say it again. He would smile and Sirius would accept this.
Another week later, Sirius's body returned to an impeccable state, the only souvenirs are memories and what was probably worse than the wounds on the body, they will not heal so quickly.
"Remus," he wakes up muttering his name. Sirius is well enough to think of others. He's better now.
Pain does terrible things to people, it takes away their ability to think rationally. Pain, excruciating pain makes you think only about not feeling it, you don't care about anything else, no other thing, you just want to stop feeling it, at all costs, no matter how high.
Sirius remembers.
He remembers clearly, though he didn't want to remember at all.
"I was hoping they cared about me enough to stop it, you know ?" He whispered to James, a secret that weighs on his heart, because even if Sirius didn't show it, he hoped his parents loved him in some twisted way of their own, he was starting to think he was wrong.
Sirius was crawling and writhing in pain, screaming, crying, squealing, sobbing, pleading, begging and humiliating himself in front of them, writhing on the ground like a bug and he didn't even feel ashamed anymore, he didn't even suppress his screams anymore, he didn't tell himself anymore: two more kicks and I'll scream, two beats and then, ten more seconds, five more beats and I'll give up, then I'll give up, just one more, just– Then he was just giving up, too scared of the pain that awaits him.
But even when he gave up, the pain came.
The entire preparation ceremony lasted a week, a week of agony of screaming and pain. And every night the same question "Do you want to take the dark mark?". The first three days he said no, hard and firm, but pain changes people and makes them do things they would never do.
When on the fourth day the wand was pointed at him again and he begged to lose consciousness, furious with himself that he couldn't do it, he agreed for the first time. The pain that hit him was stronger every day, his father manipulated the spell, he laughed in his face and he cried and screamed and kicked and begged for mercy, pleaded him.
For the first time in his life, Sirius begged for something, and it was mercy. He didn't even get it.
Orion couldn't let his own son discredit him, he couldn't let Sirius tarnish his public opinion, Orion wanted to be valuable in the eyes of the Death Eaters, he wanted to be appreciated by the Dark Lord, he wouldn't let Sirius embarrass him, he would force him.
"Yes, yes, I want to, I will, I will, I will do whatever you want, just leave me, stop, please, I beg you, I will, I want, I want, I WANT, just stop," Sirius begged, sobbing, his voice trembling unevenly and punctuated by sobs.
"No, Sirius, you don't want to, you don't believe your words." And he continued.
Sirius didn't have the strength to fight anymore, on the seventh day, the last one, he came to his parents with his head bowed and before they managed to pull out the wands, he promised to do whatever they ordered him, he would agree to everything, only to avoid another punishment.
"It would be nice if you told the truth son," and this time without any warning it hits him, the spell– torture spell, his scream is not even heard anymore.
All Sirius thinks about is death and he's begging for it to come as soon as possible, all he hears is the mad beating of his heart, feeling the pain but it doesn't help.
They doesn't believe him because Sirius himself doesn't believe it and they knows it.
His mother knows him too well. He is too much like her for him to deceive her.
For a week he was tortured, beaten unconscious and cursed, hurt in every possible way and that broke him.
Of course it did, who wouldn't be broken?
Sirius drank veritaserum every day, and although by then he had become accustomed to its effects and pigeonholed his thoughts so as not to reveal the greatest secrets, he could not lie and every word of his honesty was punished.
He was punished severely for respecting muggleborns, for friendship with mudbloods, even more severely for having a blood traitor bloody Potter as his friend, they ingrained a hatred of James into him, telling him that the pain he felt was James's fault, that his friend's fault and Sirius resented it because he was broken.
But a week has passed.
Sirius remembers little of that night, only that he showed up at the Potters' and they tried to fix him, tried to pick up all the pieces and put it back in its place. They tried to help him.
They were so lovely.
As the pain subsides slowly you begin to find your senses, you think about food and water, then you start thinking about safety and seciurity, Sirius had it already, had been through it already, so now the next step was wanting love and he had it, he had James Effie and Fleamont, they all cared for him but Sirius missed, he missed his love.
Maybe he was young and dumb and didn't know anything about love except that he had it for a while, he probably lost it, or he will lose it. He will lose it when Remus sees him as he is now.
Sirius was a wreck of a man, everything was taken from him, his emotions were taken, his dignity was taken away from him, his security was taken away from him, everything was taken from him.
He had nothing.
He was made to hate those he loved and love those he hated, he was manipulated, his brain was played with, for a long time he did not know what was true and what was not.
They destroyed him, they broke him.
And nobody wants a broken toy.
Many honest conversations with James have given a lot but not enough, it's the words of one person, but maybe it's enough if one person believes in him, if that one person still believes in his goodness, that he's capable of good things, that he's capable of loving.
"I agreed, James, I was ready to take the sign," he told his friend, hoping he would hate him for it. Sirius abandoned all his ideals, abandoned all his morals and values. He didn't deserve any good.
"It's not your fault, they forced you," James told him as if he believed it.
If James believes it wasn't his fault, if he believes Sirius is the victim and not the bad guy, maybe he's right, maybe James is right, Sirius wants to believe him and wants to believe what he says when he says Remus wants to to see him that he misses him too, that he loves him no matter what.
Sirius wants to believe.
But how could anyone look at him the same way after what he's been through.
When Remus shows up in the room, Sirius' body and heart seem to remember how to behave, but his mind can't keep up with it and it hurts terribly.
Remus smiles softly and warmth pours over Sirius, while his mind screams danger and tells him to move away.
Sirius, however, approaches, slowly and examining if he can, Remus sits still, seems to barely breathe, he didn't want to make a sudden move lest Sirius jump away from him, so he waits. He gives Sirius a small smile.
Sirius's heart prevails over his mind and Sirius falls into his arms.
He hasn't hugged anyone in a long time and touch burns him, burns him horribly, touch, skin to skin burns his body, it hurts but he stays inhaling the soothing scent, he's selfish but he doesn't care, he just wants to be safe and loved for a while, one last time.
It hurts and Sirius' mind screams to back away to get back to safety, he knows Remus won't hurt him but does he know for sure? He knows. He's convinced Remus is good, he is.
But then it's a hand on his hair on top of his head and Sirius can't help it, his heart pounding, his breathing ragged and his scream frozen behind his clenched lips, he pulls away quickly.
He's sorry but Remus isn't angry, he's just smiling like he's happy to be here like it's enough, he's just smiling like he thinks words are too much for now, and maybe he's right.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," says Sirius tugging on his hair.
"No, no, shh, that's okay, love, that's good, you're good Sirius, we're good, it's okay, everything alright," Remus assures as if he believes it, so Sirius nods, maybe he should believe it too.
Time kept passing...
Sirius couldn't stop thinking, he kept getting lost in his head. He's been thinking about himself a lot lately.
Sirius tried to be a good person.
He tried so hard to be someone good.
He tried.
He tried to be better, every day.
He couldn't understand why it wasn't working out for him. He couldn't understand why he kept making mistakes.
Why can't he get it right.
Why can't he be good.
"I don't want to be bad, Minerva, I don't want to be evil, I'm scared, I'm afraid I'll be like them, I'm afraid I'll be like my family," Sirius admits quietly.
"You're not just your last name Sirius. You are your own person," she tells him then.
But maybe he is. Maybe all he is is a Black. Maybe the blood circulating in Sirius is poisoned. Maybe that's how it is.
Because when he opens his mouth, it's broken glass splitting his tongue, ash covering his teeth, and venom dripping down his chin.
This is cruelty only Black can have.
He was terrible to James. His James, Jamee who showed him so much love...
Sirius was loud. He was proud and confident. He was conceited, vain, impudent, and arrogant.
Until he wasn't.
Because when the night covered Hogwarts with a blanket of stars, Sirius often lay in his bed crying.
"Sirius, I heard you're doing a spell," James said "come to me, okay?" he didn't want Sirius to be alone in his sadness.
"I'm sorry, James," he said with a slight smile.
"Tell me what's wrong, okay?" he proposed with a smile.
"Am i a bad person, James?" Sirius asked, they were tears in his eyes.
"Merlin, Sirius, why do you think that way?" James whispered.
"Because sometimes I feel like I am. I don't like myself very much, you know?"
"Oh Sirius."
"Sometimes I don't know what parts of me are true. What if everything good about me is fake? What if I am no different from my parents? I don't think I'm a very good person."
"Merlin Sirius," James was holding back his tears "maybe you're not, but nobody is, nobody is perfect, Sirius, but you're trying. You're trying to be good, and that's all the matters," he promised as he hugged him "you're doing good, yes? For me, you are a good person, and I think it's count for something," he smiled.
"Thank you, James," Sirius sniff.
"Moony wakes up!" James calls out. "I need you and your poetic soul," he added. "Pete?" he threw a pillow at him.
Peter rubbed his eyes as he sat up on the bed.
"What's going on?" Remus mumbled sleepily.
"Oh Sirius, don't cry," Peter whispered and joined to hug.
"Is Sirius bad?" James asked.
"Yeah, sometimes," Remus shrugged.
"Moony!" James hit him but not hard.
"When he eats my chocolate, then I'm always like 'bad Sirius," he explains.
"You're scolding him like a dog," James huffed.
"Yeah, 'cause he is," Peter murmurs and Sirius laughed.
"Yeah I love that smile," Remus said calmly "you are good Sirius, you're trying and you're doing good job at this," he smiles.
"You're nice to others students, you have good manners, you listening, at least to Minerwa, that's something, okay?" Peter lists.
"We love you as who you are, understand?" James kisses his best friend forehead and Sirius smiled.
Holidays came to an end, Sirius again gained color and smile, they spent the last week happily. Sirius played quiditch with James, read with Remus, sat in the kitchen with Effie and cooked.
It was a nice time.
It was a good time.
They went back to school, Sirius got his letter at Mr and Mrs Potter's house and they promised to supply him with school stuff, he promised to return the money and they did enough to let him live at their place, they assured him it was nothing.
On the platform and in the train, the four Marauders were remarkably quiet.
"James never once tried to pick up Lilly. I'm starting to worry," Mary joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
No one laughed, only Remus gave her a weak smile.
The door to their compartment suddenly opens, it's a boy in Slytherin robes and they're about to kick him out but he looks at Sirius with what looks like a hint of worry.
"Thanks Merlin, you're okay," Regulus whispers with obvious relief.
It makes sense, because when he come back to home his brother wasn't there, it was confusing but that wasn't the point. Regulus spent the first month of holidays with his grandparents in France, he was not at home, his parents sent him away on purpose, they knew that if he was at home, he would help Sirius in some way or motivate him. They couldn't allow it.
The Black brothers spent half their childhood loving each other and the other half hating each other.
Regulus was jealous of all the love and attention Sirius received, he realized that it was evil and cruel only when his brother went to Hogwarts and he was the only child at home, when he got the harsh form of love that Sirius had, he regretted it and wanted to go back to being ignored.
Sirius envied Regulus for being perfect, for being able to meet his parents' needs and expectations, for how they always praised him. Why couldn't he be so satisfying to them? Why was he always insufficient?
They were both jealous of the other until they realized that it wasn't their fault, it was their parents' fault.
They were just kids, little kids.
"I'm okay," Sirius nodded, he stared at his brother for a moment "but you are not," he points out.
"It's not about me," Regulus shakes his head. "I just wanted to make sure that you're good, you are so, I will go now," They stand for a moment, looking at each other as if debating whether or not to hug.
They both want it, but they both just can't.
Sirius didn't even hug the girls in greeting, which was puzzling to them.
Regulus just understood.
"He looks like a ghost," James remarks stressed "have you seen his face?" His cheeks were sunken and he had huge purple circles under his eyes "he's not doing well," he decides, of course not, after all, he had just fallen into the role of heir to the House of Black. "Do you think they could do something to him?"
"Couldn they? They had to," Sirius sighed, he got up and followed his brother, stopped him in the corridor and dragged him to a quieter place. "I'll be back, I'll be back home, I'll be back," Sirius promises him. "I won't let them lay hands on you again," he clenches his teeth in anger, he failed one of his duties, being a big brother.
"You can not," Regulus hissed "Sirius, please don't come back," he pleaded. "Don't come back, they'll kill you," he whispered.
"They won't," Sirius shakes his head.
"You'll see they will," Regulus argue "last time they almost did," he adds.
"How can you know that," Sirius snorts.
"I saw," Regulus whispered, this image still haunts his memories.
"What do you mean you saw?" Sirius frowns, it doesn't make any sense.
Once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't ever be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about.
Sirius survived the storm and didn't remember how he did it.
And Regulus won't tell him.
Regulus wouldn't tell him how Narcissa secretly contacted him. "he will not agree, they would kill him" was enough. Regulus couldn't leave it like that, for once he had saved Sirius.
At night he teleported home, found his brother's bloody, sore body lying unconscious on the floor, he threw him over his shoulder crying and soaking Sirius' blood-stained shirt with his tears.
He lit the fireplace, used the floo to summon the Potter house.
"Reg?" Sirius blinks unconsciously.
"Be safe, be happy Sirius," Reg pleaded throwing his brother into the fire. It's a short farewell, but it's enough.
Sirius sacrificed his entire childhood to keep Regulus safe, Regulus will sacrifice part of his life for Sirius too, his older brother is worth it.
Regulus also disappeared, nobody could have known he was here, his grandparents did not notice his half-hour absence, he was quiet enough not to wake up the paintings, no one would know.
He was wrong. Someone saw them. That someone was their mother.
Walburga Black saw this scene and tears gathered in her eyes.
Walburga Black was much more than a monster, she was a mother.
She was a mother and she loved her children.
She loved them.
She loved Sirius but she wasn't able to protect him, she wasn't able to fix him in time. She had to watch him suffer, she had to bear that he had left her.
She didn't lose her heir that night, she lost her son.
Because Sirius Orion Black was Walburga's son and that couldn't be denied.
She made the others believe that Sirius had escaped on his own, (they punished her for punishing him too lightly because he was still able to escape on his own, but that's not important) and then burned his portrait in their family tree.
Walburga Black loved her children... she tried to love them.
"I'll be fine," Regulus assures his older brother "don't worry, I have a plan, I'll be fine, I love you but you need to go now," Regulus pleads "they can't see us together," and he leaves. Sirius can only believe his words.
________
And just like that it's been a year since brothers last spoke, because they couldn't be seen together, it would have ended badly for Regulus.
However Sirius and Regulus managed to bump into each other a couple of times and shout at each other in French so that everyone would think they were arguing while they talked about important topics.
A week before the end of the year, Sirius took a risk and locked them in an empty classroom.
"What's your plan ?" He asked without preamble.
"What plan?" Regulus blinks slowly.
"You're turning 16 in a month, what's your plan?" Sirius clarifies.
"There's a ceremony on my birthday," he says slowly, as if the words hurt "and then," Sirius waits impatiently. "I'll take the mark and become the youngest among the Death Eaters," he finishes, and it's not what Sirius expected.
"What? NO, you can't!" He throws his hands up, starts walking around the room pulling his hair "you can't do that."
"I have no choice Sirius," Regulus shakes his head.
Narcisia always told him that he would survive while Sirius didn't, because Regulus was like her, Narcisia was teaching him how to survive in this cruel world, among the Blacks, in the middle of an ongoing war. Just agree and pretend you enjoy it, you'll be fine.
So he did.
"No Reggie, you can't, you're not like them, you're not bad," Sirius pleads, tears in his eyes.
He and his brother, best friends for years, painfully separated, placed on opposite sides of the war. What a tragedy, right?
"Maybe I won't be going back to school, maybe I'll go straight to my new assignment," Regulus muses, Sirius shakes his shoulders, begging for it to be a lie.
"But, but you're not bad, Reggie, you're good, you must be, Regulus I know you are, you are," he assures desperately, he can't let his little brother ruin his life.
He can't lose him. Not him, not his Reggie. His little brother...
"I'm sorry," Regulus smiles weakly. "I'm afraid I'm already bad," he shake his head with a blank look. "Sirius, I already know all the unforgivables, I've used every one of them," he looks his brother straight in the eye as if it's to scare him away. But Sirius is not scared.
Because maybe Sirius knows or maybe he guesses how this process looked like, how they started with imperio and Regulus did it because it was the least harmful because he had already encountered this spell, he was a wise wizard, he managed it, he was praised.
Then, then came the crucio and he had to try them on an animal, Regulus was too sensitive to do that, he couldn't hurt an innocent scared kitty, he couldn't, his father kept him under the crucio until Regulus decided otherwise. Regulus neded to do the same, and Sirius knew full well that pain makes people do terrible things, so Regulus used crucio.
It was avada kedavra at the end and Regulus was unable to do it, he just can't, as the words left his mouth he immediately froze, he didn't believe what he had done, he started crying, but he was forced to repeat these words and even if the first ten times the spell didn't came out, and didin't work, because he didn't want that woman's death, because he didn't think it was right... the pain at the right dose broke him and he would do anything to stop feeling pain so he killed.
Regulus was fifteen and had a murder record, he wasn't a good person.
There was no help for him, Regulus was too afraid of pain to fight, fear paralyzed him, he wasn't a good person.
"Hey, hey, hey Regulus you're a very good person, just, just so many bad things happened to you," Sirius choked on his sobs.
"I'm sorry Sirius," Regulus give him a weak smile. "I love you."
"I love you too," Sirius whispered.
They hugged each other. Is this the last time?
"I'll be fine," Regulus assured.
Well...
Two years later Sirius read about Regulus' death in the newspaper.
His brother was, in fact, not fine.
Regulus in childhood was a soft, gentle boy, but later, later... he'd made himself untouchable but deep down he longed to feel someone else's arms wrapped around him.
Sometimes at night Regulus would close his eyes and clasps his hands tightly on either shoulder, trying to imagine if this is what it would feel like to have a person to hold him. He hoped it was warmer than this.
Too bad he never found out.
And his brother? In 1981, Sirius lost his family, his parents, Effie and Monty died of the dragon pox, his best friend, James died killed by Voldemort and Sirius? Accused of the Potters' deaths, was sent to Askaban for 12 long years.
His life never had a chance to be happy.
Because, no matter how hard you try, you can't fix something that was built broken.
Walburga Black watched her children fall painfully. She experienced the death of one son and the loss of another.
She died knowing that she could have been better, that if she had been a better mother, maybe her children would have been happy.
The life of each Black is written in the stars and theirs had to be faulty.