Regulus is late. It’s his first day back in Hogwarts after the winter holidays and he’s late. James is waiting for him up in the Astronomy Tower. He promised he would. They talked about it on the last day before the holidays.
Regulus hates being late. Regulus hates himself for being late. Regulus hates himself for making James wait for him. James isn’t supposed to be waiting for him, because, well, Regulus isn’t giving James enough for him to accept anything below the bare minimum.
Below the bare minimum. That’s the reason Regulus is late. His arm is burning, marked with dark magic. An ugly snake. This is below the bare minimum. This is below something James deserves. James always deserved something better than Regulus, Regulus is sure of that, but he is a selfish person. James wanted him and Regulus wanted James. And for a blink of a second Regulus ignored the fact that James was too good for him and let himself have James. It’s his good days, really. Being with James. James is bright. James is the sun. And Regulus is just a star.
The thing is, Regulus might barely shine to one’s eye down here on earth, but out there it’s one of the brightest stars. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? The sun shines down on earth. Warm and bright. Comforting. Thawing everyone’s ice. Even Regulus’s. But the star Regulus itself doesn’t. It shines somewhere far away, out of reach. It’s shining on its own. And isn’t this exactly how it is? James’s sunny personality is just contagious, his smile is bright and genuine, his laughter like a summer breeze. His sadness is the winter sun, it’s less warming, but it’s promising. It’s still there. It’s still trying to warm everyone, thawing the ice, melting what’s frozen. James is popular, known, extroverted you might say. He is loved, wanted, cared for. Regulus knows that James thinks of himself as “too much”, but the sun is too much too, burning down on the earth in summer, making everyone search the shadows.
Regulus wants to search the sun, even on its hottest days, or on its coldest, or when the clouds surround it and its barely there. Regulus wants all of the sun’s days. But against his wishes, the shadows found him, leading him away from the warmth. The shadows snatched him away, and Regulus knows his life without James will be dark. He’ll die searching for the sun.
He finds the sun in the Astronomy Tower now. James is leaning against the wall and has been looking at the door, his arms crossed. He uncrosses them as Regulus steps in. Regulus can see a frown between James’s eyebrows that immediately dissolves as James lays eye on Regulus. His entire face lights up and he’s smiling. James takes a step forward to Regulus. Regulus can tell he wants to hug him, like he sometimes does when Regulus arrives at the tower. James usually runs to him and scoops him up in his arms, no matter how much Regulus complains every time. James would usually make them twirl around and laugh before placing Regulus gently on the ground, brushing Regulus’s hair out of his face and kissing him.
He's not doing that today because he knows how fucked up Regulus always is when he comes back from Grimmauld. He knows to let Regulus take the lead. And as much as Regulus appreciates that, it breaks his heart. Because James deserves someone he can shower with love all the time and get showered back just the same. With Regulus, James has to be cautious, calculating, observing. With Regulus, James is only able to shower Regulus with a little love. Regulus knows how big James’s heart is. How desperately James wants to show his love. The kind where you scream it from the top of your lungs until it leaves you breathless. Regulus’s love is quiet. If Regulus ever gives love back to James, shows him, it’s in smaller statements. Maybe a letter because Regulus is better when it comes to writing than speaking. Maybe Regulus brings up a date idea every once in a while. On good days he might actively seek out physical contact, but… well… Regulus is sure that isn’t enough for James.
Regulus tries to smile back, but it’s weak on his face. His eyes find the ground at his feet, and he much rather looks at it than see the concern that James’s face shows. Regulus doesn’t want to do this. Regulus doesn’t think he’s strong enough. How can he break his heart? How can someone do this? It would be like taking the sun’s light away.
“Hi,” Regulus mutters, still staring at the ground. His fingers nervously play with the hems of his shirt. A sting goes through his arm as the moves his fingers, the magic too fresh to be healed already. Maybe it won’t ever stop stinging. A constant reminder of the dark magic that clings to his body, which naturally tries to get rid of it.
“Hi,” James replies and Regulus can hear that his voice is controlled. Regulus takes a deep breath. And another. Maybe a few more, and when the silence stretches on for too long, he finally looks at James and speaks.
“I think I should get this right out of the way,” Regulus starts. He really should, but he isn’t brave enough to face the reality yet. He isn’t ready for this.
“What’s going on?” James asks. Regulus closes his eyes and listens to his voice. It’s so soft and gentle. Regulus will miss it. Even now he seeks the comfort it gives him. This will be the last time he can seek comfort from it.
“We-,” Regulus voice breaks and he coughs to clear his throat, “We should stop.”
He looks at James again, who leans back against the wall and slightly tilts his head in confusion. He squints his eyes and stays quiet for a while, clearly thinking. Regulus shivers. He blames it on the cool air, even though he can feel the magic of James’s warming charm.
“Stop…what?” James asks carefully. He blinks a few times. God, he’s so beautiful.
“This,” Regulus answers, because honestly, he doesn’t have the words for more. Technically he has them, but he knows they will get stuck in his throat and never find their way out. James looks even more confused now.
He takes a deep breath and for a very long time the silence between them stretches out. Again. A million of emotions spread across James’s face. He was never the one to guard his emotions, not really. He denies them sometimes, hiding them from himself, but he isn’t really that talented in guarding his facial expressions. And even though a million emotions are spoken by his face, Regulus isn’t able to translate a single one of them. Maybe he just doesn’t want to.
“What are you talking about?”, James says after a while, audibly trying to say this with a calm matter, but his voice breaks and there’s massive panic woven in the sounds that he makes. Regulus feels his throat closing up. He swallows harshly, his eyes burning with the soft glimmer of tears that have not yet been cried.
“James…”, Regulus says softly. He clenches his hands into fists, because they’re shaking, his nails digging into his skin. The muscles in his left arm move uncomfortably in a way that stretches his skin, and the mark once again burns. It’s a strange pain. It’s external and internal. It feels like an outside pressure, scarring at his arm, but an inside force twisting the skin. It’s distracting. Regulus takes a sharp inhale.
“We should stop... seeing each other”, Regulus forcibly presses out and once again the water in his eyes is dangerously close to sliding over his cheeks. He doesn’t want to cry. He doesn’t deserve to cry. He’s breaking James’s heart. It would be unfair of him to cry.
James doesn’t react at all, which is strange. Unusually strange. So strange that Regulus feels panic clawing at his heart. Anxiety is digging its nails into Regulus’s chest as he digs his own nails in the palms of his hands.
And then a tear does roll over his face, a heartbreaking sound leaves Regulus’s throat and he runs his hands over his face, forcing the tear away and stopping more from coming. His hands dig into his hair, nails scratching his scalp harshly. I deserve this, he thinks.
James suddenly comes closer.
“Love, whatever they’ve done to you, that you… think that this is the right thing to do… We can fix it, yeah?”, James says, his voice oddly wheezy. He brings his hand up to the level of Regulus’ face and steps closer. His hand is trembling as it cups Regulus’ face and with every strength and love Regulus has for James he moves away from his touch. Moves away from the warmth. Moves into the shadows.
Regulus can see the pain that this small action did to James. It’s very clear to him; James thought that... someone found out and convinced Regulus to end it. James didn’t believe it’s coming from Regulus. Now that it does, heartbreak soaks James’ expressions and Regulus feels like his emotions are looking back at him. James expresses as much sorrow as Regulus’ heart feels.
“Reg..”, James whispers, blinking fast. It’s quiet as James’ hand falls, the movement of the brushing of clothes is loud.
“We can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry”, Regulus says, and looks away again. He can’t bear to see more pain in James’ face. Can’t handle his own pain. How is he supposed to stay steady when James falls apart.
“What… Regulus… what?”, James asks, his voice small. Regulus clenches his fists again, closes his eyes forcefully. He never wanted to take James’ strength. Didn’t think that heartbreak could pull every bit of energy from James. Didn’t know Regulus means enough to James to destroy him. Regulus was certain he would not be at fault for the destruction of the sun’s existence.
“Why?”, James asks, his voice a bit more determined now,
“Regulus, tell me why!”, James demands, grabbing Regulus’ wrist and squeezing them a little too hard in his frantic state. Regulus yelps as James’ finger brush along the mark. Excruciating pain ripples through his arm as he rips his arm from James’ grip.
“What’s going on?”, the other boy asks, a bit too focused on Regulus’ left arm.
“James”, Regulus says as a warning.
“You didn’t”, James says, his voice breathy, as if there was no oxygen going inside James’ lungs right now. James let’s go of Regulus’ other arm and it falls to Regulus’ side.
“I did”, Regulus says and straightens his position. He raises his chin in fake pride because he perfected faking his emotions. He doesn’t want James to see. There is no point. They’re over. This cannot be erased. There’s nothing to fix. James wouldn’t accept that there’s nothing to fix, but he has to. He has to.
“I don’t believe you”, James says and he visibly tries to harden his face, but it breaks open and shows torment. “Show me. Prove it!”
“I-“, Regulus tries to say but James steps closer, anger flashing in his eyes.
“I said show me, Regulus!”, he says, louder than before. Harsher than he has ever spoken to Regulus.
Something like a type of innocence breaks in Regulus’ being. Not his own innocence or anything. It’s like your favourite teacher, who you like over everything, suddenly being like everyone else and scolding you. Just… a million times worse. There’s something of a childish objection inside of Regulus’ mind that will not process the anger James just showed him, because this is so untypically of James that it doesn’t fit. It’s not in Regulus’ system. He doesn’t know what to do.
He takes a step back. James backs away too, but his eyes still glister with fury.
It takes a while for Regulus to bring his fingers to the hems of the sleeve of his dress shirt. His fingers tremble as he fights with the tiny buttons. He looks away as he opens the sleeve and pulls away the fabric, revealing the darkness that clings to him. Silently another tear rolls down his face. This time he lets it drop onto his shirt.
Except a sharp inhale he doesn’t get a reaction from James. No movement. He’s not even breathing for a while.
“They can’t do this. You’re 16”, James says at some point. And now he does move, he gets closer. He grabs Regulus’ shoulders and his movements are so messy that he shakes him a little. Regulus scrunches his face in pain.
“They can’t do that! They can’t legally bind you like this, this is illegal. Dumbledore will fix it, I promise!”, James says, his voice steady even though there are rivers of tears flooding down on his cheeks. Regulus wishes he was in a position in which it was acceptable to wipe them away. He doesn’t.
“He’s gonna save you, because this is just… he will not accept this from them, you’re a child! You’re safe, yeah! Just… We can go to Dumbledore right now, and then you’re safe, you hear me?”, James goes on as his fingers dig into the skin of Regulus’ shoulders.
“James-“, Regulus tries but James interrupts him.
“You can’t give up, Regulus! Please don’t give up”, he whispers. Regulus takes a step back and pushes James’ hand off of his shoulders. He takes another step back and James’ legs give out. He falls to his knees and now he really starts crying.
A wrecked sound comes out of James’ throat and in sync Regulus stops his movements and stares at James in fear. He’s never seen James like this. He didn’t think James, the literal recreation of the sun, could feel this kind of pain. But here is the sun, and the sun is really small right now. It burned so hot, that it stopped burning altogether. James shoulders heave as he curls himself in on the floor. He looks small. In a weird, fucked up way, Regulus sees himself. The way James is breaking apart on the cold stones of the Astronomy Tower, with the image that he creates of himself in that situation, Regulus has lived his life like this. Regulus never wanted the sun to feel like an unimportant star.
Regulus kneels down and softly runs his shaking fingers through James’ curls.
“Je ne cesserai jamais de t’aimer, mon soleil”, Regulus whispers and bends down to press a soft kiss on James’ shoulder. It’s the last kiss he ever gives James.
“Je t'en pris excuse-moi.”, Regulus tells him and those are the last words James is ever going to hear from Regulus. Regulus gets up and before he stays like he desperately wants to, he turns around and opens the heavy door of the Astronomy Tower. He steps out, turns around when the door falls close, he places a hand against it.
“Goodbye, James”, Regulus says, and he thinks those are the last words he will ever speak to James, despite the other boy never hearing them. He’s wrong. Right before Regulus dies, right at the moment when he realises he will not survive, he starts speaking to James. And to Sirius, asking for forgiveness. But his words never reach them, they drown in the waves right before Regulus does.
The door of the Astronomy Tower closes with a loud bang. It echoes through the room, and it echoes through James’ heart. If James thought his heart felt broken before, he doesn’t know how to describe the feeling he has in his chest right now. It’s raw pain. That’s maybe the only way to describe it. His chest feels like it was tightened so abnormally that there was no space for his lungs to breathe in air, there was no space for his heart to beat. It was all squished together in his chest and then set on fire, the organs melting and sticking to each other as they transform into the only thing he can feel. Heartbreak.
It all happened so fast. Not even 10 minutes. Not even 10 minutes ago he was up here, patiently waiting for Regulus. He has been humming a tune that has been stuck in his head for days, excited about seeing Regulus again. Not even 10 minutes ago he was asking himself if Regulus was well enough for them to hug today. Now he knows he will never hug Regulus again. Anxiously James tries to remember the last time he hugged Regulus. Was it the day before the Christmas Holidays? They hugged for sure. And still James forces his brain to search for the memory. He ends up with empty hands, not finding it. He can’t recall their last hug. Or their last kiss. He doesn’t remember the taste of Regulus’s skin.
A shutter goes through James body, and he presses himself closer to the floor and digs his nails further into his skull. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, he thinks to his brain. He hates it. Hates that it never memorises things. He knows he could recognise Regulus’ smell, the touch of his lips, the way his skin feels. He knows that he would be able to recognise him forever, beyond life and death. But his brain can’t recreate him. And he needs to. He needs to know how they last kiss was, needs to know the exact way Regulus smelled when they shared their last hug.
Soon James’s brain was quiet. Like someone pulled out the wires. Everything just stopped. James rolls over on the ground, curling into a foetus position and places one side of his face on the cool ground. His warming charm faded, and James can feel the cold sinking into him, deep down, right to his bones. Maybe he would never stop feeling like this. Maybe it’s not even the cold of the winter night that chills all that he is. Maybe Regulus took away his warmth. James would give it to him, freely, he would give all Regulus would be willing to take. James would love to freeze knowing that somewhere Regulus is warm. Maybe, just maybe, James is really pathetic.
James has stopped crying. Breathing still hurts, as if his lungs were infected and inflamed, his throat and chest burning with every breath that he takes. James wonders if he is dying. Can heartbreak hurt enough to die? If it can, well, then that’s exactly how it feels.
James doesn’t know how long he stayed on the floor of the Astronomy Tower. He only knows that at some point he started to shiver and at another, that his teeth were chattering by how violently he was shaking. He doesn’t know from where he pulled enough strength to sit up. To get up.
He pulls out the Marauders Map and rasps: “I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good”. His voice is hoarse, and it hurts to speak. James clears his throat and coughs. It hurts. He wonders if everything is going to hurt, forever.
Like an instinct, because he always does, he unfolds the map and looks at the dungeon. Regulus was there, in a dorm, probably his own. He was safe. For now. A hitch crawls out of James’s throat and he focus on his way back. It’s clear. No one in sight. No one near. The Gryffindor common room was empty too.
James picks up his Invisibility cloak, but he doesn’t see the point in wearing it. He takes it by the hem and stars walking. It slides on the floor. For the first time in his life he doesn’t care about the state of his cloak.
Jame doesn’t pay attention on his way back. His feet just carry him in the right direction. He almost stumbles down the stairs because he misses a step that suddenly disappeared. When he arrived at the Portrait of the Fat Lady, she isn’t even mad at him for waking her up. She watches him with sad eyes, as he presses out the password and as he tumbles through the entrance. As promised, the Gryffindor Common Room is still empty. A window was opened, and the cool air hits James’s face. Tears he hadn’t noticed have been sliding over his cheeks, the cold air especially sharp on the wet trails of James’s skin. He rubs his face and stars climbing the stairs to his dorm. The others are probably asleep. James is glad that they’re not seeing him like this.
They know that James has been seeing… someone. That that someone was a boy. That bit of information made them stop asking questions, they understood that it’s risky to know, and James succeeded in keeping Regulus close to his heart, where no one could see him. They don’t know. They don’t know about them.
James opens the door with trembling hands and slides into the room. He can hear soft and slow breathing. The door falls close with a soft thud and James leans against it. The map and the cloak fall to the ground as he takes a sharp inhale and tries not to break down again.
“James?”, rasps Sirius behind the curtains of a bed. Shit, James thinks. He clears his throat.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you”, James whispers, trying to control his voice. He can make out the flutter of a bedcurtain and hears feet meeting the ground.
“It’s fine. Light sleeper, remember?”, Sirius says, and James can finally locate him. He has been in Remus’ bed. As was expected. He hears his best friend step closer.
“Lumos”, Sirius mutters and James blinks forcefully, blinded by the tip of Sirius’ wand. He looks away.
“Hey”, Sirius says, suddenly very concerned, “Have you been crying?”
James doesn’t respond. He’s sure there wouldn’t be words coming out of his mouth, even if he tried. He forces his eyes close and tug in his lips. They were trembling. He takes a deep breath. He tries to collect himself.
His chest heaves, his shoulders shake and another round of tears pool out of his eyes. He leans forward and buries his face in his hands as wounded sounds leave him. Sirius’s hands are firm on his shoulders in a second, the wand clutters to the ground.
James leans forward, his head resting against Sirius’s chest as he heaves. Sirius’s arms closing around him. Protecting him.
James hears other feet shuffle. He can see that the room has been lit. He can hear Remus and Peter softly mumbling. But the pain is too loud in his head. Sirius gently rubs his back. Slowly he leads them to the ground. James is almost sitting in Sirius’s lap, that’s how much he leans onto him. Sirius keeps him steady. James cries harder. He didn’t want them to see him like this. They shouldn’t. He was always the strong one. They all went through so much. They shouldn’t have to hold his pain too.
James continues to cry as Peter sits down next to them. He leans his head against James’s shoulder, and he whispers things to him. James can’t make them out, but he’s glad that he can hear Peter’s voice. Remus kneels beside them and strokes James’s hair. It takes a while until James is steady enough to rock back, and he leans against the door again. At some point Remus must have gotten a glass of water for him. He slides it over to him, and James gratefully grabs it and chugs it down. He wipes his mouth with his sleeve and then the rest of his face before he sniffles and looks into his friends’ concerned faces.
“I’m sorry”, he whispers, his voice barely anything, but they still understood.
“No, nothing of that, James”, Remus says.
“Hey”, Sirius says and reaches forward to grab James’s hands. “Don’t say that. You obviously needed it. James… What happened?”
James swallows hard. He doesn’t want to think about it. And James can’t even really tell them what’s going because they don’t know. They don’t know. James was never supposed to tell them. And he can’t. He can’t…
“We.. ah..”, he tries, but has to swallow again. He wipes his face as another tear leaves his eye.
“You broke up?”, Sirius guesses. James sniffles and bites his lip before nodding.
“Oh, James”, Peter says and slides closer. He places his hand on James’s shoulder and squeezes it.
And that’s most of it. They don’t really talk about it. James is certain they know he doesn’t want to, or that he can’t, and he is glad that he’s not expected to. They heave him into his bed, Sirius crawling in and curling his arms around him. And James thinks that’s the only reason he makes it through. The only reason he survives. The only reason he can breathe. Because he still has Sirius, and he always will have Sirius, no matter what.
Healing is hard and it takes time, James realises. Pain sits heavy in your body, making everything harder, every task heavier, every day more exhausting. James is glad that he has such amazing friends. They help him so much.
Healing is hard because James sees Regulus everywhere. The way Sirius’s eyes look in the sunlight reminds him of the colour of Regulus’s eyes. The way Peter, the usual quiet and shy boy, get so heated playing chess that he verbally curses and insults everyone in reach. The way Remus gets philosophical about simple topics, complicating them so much that James wonders how his brain doesn’t explode. The way Mary stays stubborn when she wants to have it her way. The way Lily gets so enthusiastically about her books that she talks about them non-stop. Marlene is the only one who he can be around without the dagger in his chest slicing up another part of him. Well… except when they go flying. He… doesn’t go flying anymore. Well, training for the team, but only as much as he absolutely needs. He has asked Professor McGonagall if Marlene could take over the leadership of the Quidditch Team, which she has. Marlene handles it wonderfully. He avoids Regulus at all cost, Regulus seems to do the same. He is never in the Astronomy Tower anymore, and he has given up his position as a Seeker. It’s like they never existed, the only thing that remind James that they did is the bleeding hole in his chest. It’s stitching itself back together.
The wonderful and amazing but very surprising part of healing, as James notices, is the way it changes. Once he left Hogwarts to live his life, he realizes how much easier everything has gotten. The way he used to flinch away from the intensity of Sirius’s eyes, he craves it more now, looking for the tiny pieces of Regulus he can hold onto. He smiles when Sirius’s eyes remind him of Regulus’s and Sirius smiles back, immediately looking like Sirius again when he does. James starts to play a lot more chess with Peter, glad that he has the excuse of not living in a dorm together anymore, so he can get to see his oldest friend and feeds the hole in his chest with a little bit of something… Not with Regulus, but it-… it counts. He starts talking with Remus a lot more about deeper topics. He really loves the way this reminds him so much about many conversations he had with Regulus. He smiles whenever Mary gets her will, shining with stubborn and strength. He listens to Lily ramble about books and takes her out to bookshops. He starts flying with Marlene again, missing Quidditch tremendously.
What’s surprising and heartbreaking about healing is, that James learned to fall out of love with Regulus, something that he never expected he will. The hole in his chest stitches back together, and his heart starts beating again. James falls in love again, with Lily.
Even though he isn’t in love with Regulus anymore, there will always be a tiny part of him that craves the familiarity of Regulus. Regulus was the first person he was in love with. Deeply. Truly. It shaped him, and every person he will fall in love with are stamped with a love his heart had to create for Regulus. He doesn’t love Lily the same way, or because of the same reasons, but James learned what love was because of Regulus, and his heart recognise the way love feels because of him.
The day James finds out that Regulus has died, he is alone at home. His parents had only died two months prior, shortly after his very impulsive wedding with Lily. He was currently in his childhood home when he received the Daily Prophet from his owl and there it said on the front page. “Heir to the Black Family, Regulus Arcturus Black, after months of disappearance finally pronounced dead at 18”. There was a sharp pain, mirroring the pain he has felt because of the loss of Regulus before.
James notices that day, that grieving never ends. He is filled with guilt, the same as Sirius feels. Guilt, because he was so young. So young. And even though James hasn’t spoken to him in almost 2 years, he felt his absence. He sought harder in others, trying to find a glimpse of Regulus, but after years of always finding it, suddenly he never caught it. Regulus was gone. Entirely.
James’s life goes on. He lives it, with a small hole in his heart and scars across it. He is blessed with a son, Harry, named after Lily’s father. They receive news about the prophecy and go into hiding. With every passing day, James heals a bit more. It scares him. Once the pain is fully gone, what else will he have left of Regulus? But he doesn’t have to worry about that. James Potter dies before his heart could wholly heal from the pain that Regulus caused.
And this is how it goes. A love story worth to be known, but Regulus dies never telling anyone that he loves James.
A love story worth being shared with the world, but James dies never telling anyone that he loved Regulus.
A love story for the books, but the pages are empty, the words never written down.
A love story for the readers and dreamers, for poets, but there are no traces they left behind. And in the end, there was really nobody left that knew about them, except for the stars and the moon, blinking down every night, telling their story in a language that nobody understands.