James and Lily are dead. James and Lily are dead.
James and Lily.
James.
And.
Lily.
James.
James is dead. James is dead dead dead dead.
James is dead and everyone is dead and why is Sirius not dead?
He knows why. Only the good die young. He’ll probably die old, grey hair and wrinkles everywhere, in this cell. He’ll die alone with for sole companion, the screams of his co-detained. He’ll die like he was always supposed to live, pathetically and in pain. Rotten outside, reflecting the madness and rot within, reflecting who he really is in the end, who James failed to see.
It led him to his death, because only the good die young, and James is the best of them all.
Bones was the first to die.
No. It is not true.
It is not true and Sirius knows it, he knows it but he cannot accept it.
Regulus was the first to die.
Only eighteen and on the bad side of the war, the side Sirius was supposed to be in, the side he flew, only to end up here anyway, locked up for his best friend’s murder when he didn’t do anything.
But Regulus was the first to die.
His stupid little brother who stayed behind. His stupid little brother who never stopped listening to them. His stupid little brother who stupidly died by being so bloody stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Regulus was never supposed to be stupid. He was the clever one, the smart, cultivated, ingenious and innocent one.
He wasn’t suppose to die and he was on the bad side of the war but maybe he was good. Because he died. He was the first to.
Then it was Edgar Bones. Killed. Then the Prewett twins. Killed. Then Benjy Fenwick. Killed. Then Marlene, then Dorcas Meadowes. Killed, killed.
And then Lily. And then James.
Or maybe James died first, because Lily wouldn’t have died if James was alive. Or maybe James died because Lily did. Maybe his heart was too broken to keep beating.
Sirius would have loved for his heart to quit working, but he’s not good enough and only the good die young.
It means Peter will live a long life and that makes Sirius want to break something, break everything, break apart.
It means Remus will not live a long life and that makes Sirius want to break something, break everything, break apart.
Remus. Remus who is so good. Remus who loves so much. Remus who knows him better than anyone, every part of him better than anyone. Remus who loved him out of everyone. Remus who couldn’t stop crying when Edgar died, or the Prewetts, or Benjy, or Marlene, or Dorcas. But Sirius was there. Sirius was holding him and crying too. Holding him and breaking too.
Who is holding Remus now? Who is crying by his side now? Who is breaking?
Sirius is breaking. Sirius is crying. He is not holding Remus. He will never again hold Remus.
How long until Remus forgets him? How long until he dies?
And then they’ll all be in heaven. James, Lily, Marlene and Dorcas, Remus, all the ones who died in this war.
Regulus.
Is Regulus in heaven? Did he earn his place there when he died? When Sirius dies, if the sky takes pity on him and decides to let him go to heaven too, will he see his brother again? His stupid little brother again?
Will he see James again? His brother and other part of him James? And Remus? His soulmate and the love of his life? Will he see them? Will he be able to hold them, to talk to them, will they forgive him?
Does Remus think he really did that? Did James think that too before he died? Did Lily? Does no one believe in him? Did no one trusted him?
Sirius has no one left anymore, why fighting? Why fighting for the truth? Nobody will believe him, he has no one anymore.
Remus. He still has Remus.
But Remus will be better off without him. Because Remus is good, Sirius is not.
Oh, how Sirius would love for Remus to not be good, because Sirius doesn’t want Remus to die, Remus cannot die.
Why do only the good die young when they are the ones most worthy of living? Sirius doesn’t believe in any god, he’s been swearing on Circe’s tits for years, and one of the reason he doesn’t is because of that. Because the good die young and the bad get to live. James died and Peter gets to live. Lily died and Walburga gets to live. Remus will die and the whole fucking rotten world will get to live.
It’s not fair. It’s never fair. Sirius learned it years ago.
He should be used to it by now. He gets to live, but, oh, how he would have loved to be good right now.