Linger

If you, if you could return-

Don't let it burn

Don't let it fade... 

"James." 

"Regulus." James returned, smiling brightly as he made them stop their walk. Their fingers were intertwined causing Regulus to be dragged with him. 

He bent over and plucked a small blue flower from the ground, turning to slide it behind Regulus' ear. 

"You just killed it." Regulus informed him. 

James' hand fell down to Regulus cheek, caressing the boy's soft skin. 

Regulus bit back a smile- He was so entirely fond. 

"It's an honorable death if it puts a smile on your face." James breathed. 

He rolled his eyes lovingly, "You're a tosser." 

Regulus pushed away from James, taking off. 

James chased after him, of course. 

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude. It's tearing me apart. It's ruining every day.

They made their way back into the castle after their stroll, sharing a goodnight kiss before parting ways. 

"I love you!" James called as Regulus started walking away. 

Regulus paused, turning around, "I love you too- sometimes." 

James chuckled, turning his back to Regulus and skipping down the hall to the Gryffindor commons. 

Regulus smiled the entire way back to the dungeons. 

I swore, I swore I would be true and honey so did you. 

He collapsed onto his bed, wondering if he'd get to feel this happy for the rest of his life. 

He wouldn't. 

Less than twelve hours later, Regulus found himself walking into the Great Hall for lunch.

He sat down beside Evan and Barty who were mid conversation. Regulus listened in for a bit before letting his eyes drift to the Gryffindor table. 

Regulus watched as James held up his and Lily's intertwined hands and made sure everyone at the table saw. 

His heart dropped into his stomach. 

So why were you holding her hand? 

Regulus couldn't take his eyes away, their fingers fitting together like puzzle pieces. 

Regulus felt sick, his appetite leaving him. 

Is that the way we stand?

Lily Evans. Had it been Lily? Only Lily? Always Lily?

Regulus thought of every moment in their relationship. 

He loved James- he didn't know how to love until James. He opened up, let his walls down. 

And what did it get him? 

The sinking feeling in his stomach didn't leave him, making him wanna throw up and cry or both. 

Were you lying all the time?

Regulus had given everything to James, given a piece of him. 

Was it all a lie? Everything he'd told Regulus- everything he'd promised?

Was it just a game to you?

They'd been so happy hadn't they? Was it all just a game? 

Regulus couldn't watch it anymore, pushing himself up from the table and scurrying off- ignoring the protests of his friends. 

~

"Only a little further, Pumpkin." 

James had his hands over Regulus' eyes, guiding him blindly through what Regulus figured was the forest. 

Nothing had come from the hand holding situation. 

James was having none of Regulus' moping. Immediately whisking him away. 

He didn't acknowledge it and Regulus sure wasn't going to either. 

James pulled them to a stop.

"Keep your eyes closed." 

Regulus felt as James' hands moved from his eyes, but he complied- keeping his eyes shut.

James just moved around to peck Regulus on the lips before saying, "Okay, open them." 

Regulus peeled his eyes open to see a blanket laid out on the grass. There were fairy lights hung from poles and a basket full of what Regulus assumed was food.

James plopped down on the blanket, clicking his music player. 

Soft music filled the air. A song that Regulus liked. James had showed it to him one night and Regulus couldn't stop humming it in the days that followed. Of course James had to declare it as their song. 

Regulus lowered himself to the ground beside James as the older boy began to pull things out of a never-ending basket. 

Tiny jam sandwiches, chocolate covered strawberries, crackers and cheese. 

Regulus began to notice that everything was things he liked- all his favorites. 

"Where did you get all of this?" Regulus quizzed. 

"The elves. They like seeing you happy", James explained, smiling goofily, "And apparently I make you happy." 

Regulus scoffed, plucking a tiny sandwich from the plate, "Debatable." 

"I just wanted to do something nice", James muttered, "Be romantic." 

"Was our stroll the other night not romantic?" Regulus joked. 

James grabbed a strawberry and bit into it, the juice dripping all down his fingers. 

Regulus rolled his eyes, grabbing a napkin and wiping his hand like he was a small child. 

"You deserve more than a stroll in the dead of night", James huffed, "I don't want you to feel like my dirty little secret or anything." 

Regulus snorted, "Your what?" 

“I’m not ashamed of you- or embarrassed- or anything you can think of. I wanna tell people, I just-”James started. 

“I’m not asking you to.” 

James opened his mouth and then closed it. He seemed to consider his words for a moment, which was rare. 

“I just feel like I need to make up for not being a good boyfriend.” He shrugged. 

“Don’t start that”, Regulus huffed, eating the cheese before throwing the cracker at him, “You’re a perfectly alright boyfriend.” 

James smiled, chuckling softly as he ate a sandwich. 

The two of them just ate their food and listened to the soundtrack James had put together- all made up of songs Regulus liked. 

It was great, really it was, but all Regulus could think about was Lily Evans. 

The feeling in his stomach returned. Heavy and sharp, like he’d swallowed a bunch of rocks. 

He was so confused- so broken. Did James love him? Or did he love Lily Evans? 

Regulus wondered if he was just the entertainment until Lily was ready. If he was just warming her spot in James’ arms. 

He suddenly wasn’t feeling all the well. 

Regulus watched as James reached for his hand and began to panic. Quickly he grabbed a strawberry, busying his hand to avoid James. 

The older boy didn't think anything of it, smiling at Regulus like he always did. 

Regulus couldn't hold his hand, not after it held Lily's. He didn't want James to realize his hand didn't fit as well as Lily's- if he could stop James from leaving, he would try. 

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger. 

He considers maybe it would be less painless if James just ended things now. 

Regulus could grieve and then he could move on- 

No. No, he couldn’t even pretend he’d get past it. He’d be crushed- he’d be ruined. 

James was just stringing him along, would break Regulus once he let go. 

Do you have to let it linger?

James leaned back onto his back to stare up at the sky. 

Regulus’ eyes were on him, pleading him to stay. He wanted to keep him- he thought he would get to. 

Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

~

Oh, I thought the world of you. I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong, I was wrong. 

Regulus walked down the busy hallway, his eyes gravitating up from the ground at the sound of laughter. 

Almost as if in slow motion, Regulus watched as James threw his arm over Lily Evans and they locked eyes, laughing like they’d never heard anything funnier. 

Regulus had stopped dead in his tracks, the crowd moving around him. James and his friends kept walking in the opposite direction. 

He was used to being invisible, to everyone but James. His eyes followed the group. 

James never took his arm off of Lily’s shoulders. 

Regulus didn’t go to class that day. 

~

If you, if you could get by trying not to lie things wouldn't be so confused. 

Regulus huffed heavily, catching his breath. 

James was beside him, both of them breathless, naked, staring up at the ceiling of Regulus’ four-poster bed. 

Regulus was so weak. So weak and sad. He could be upset all he wanted, but once he was face to face with James it all disappeared. 

James rolled to hover over Regulus, leaning down to press a kiss to the smaller boy’s forehead. 

Regulus pushed him away gently, rolling onto his side. James plopped back down onto the bed. 

“You’re so far away.” James whined, pulling Regulus back into his chest. 

James covered them with the blanket and buried his face in Regulus’ curls. 

Things got dark pretty fast once Regulus was left alone to his thoughts. 

If James had done such a good job keeping Regulus a secret, who was to say he wasn’t already with Lily. 

Regulus wondered if James was just looking for the right time to break it to him. 

He knew the older boy was still good, he’d try to make it as painless as possible for Regulus. 

Tears streamed down Regulus’ face as he stared at the forest green curtain. 

And I wouldn't feel so used. 

Regulus perfected the silent cry, one of many lessons he’d learned from his mother.

Another was to never let your walls down- never let anyone in.

She was cruel, but maybe she was also right.

~

But you always really knew I just want to be with you and I'm in so deep. 

The Three Broomsticks was packed to the brim. 

Music was blaring, fighting with the conversations going on throughout the place. 

So many drunk people in one place all crammed together was a recipe for disaster. 

James and Regulus were squished into a small booth. It was a bit odd because there was only one bench. The table was attached to the back of the next bench that was a part of a completed booth. 

It wasn’t like they would sit across from each other, but still peculiar.

James’ arm was around him and Regulus forced himself not to think about the redhead. 

With all the commotion it was easy to ignore. 

Fingers gently pushed Regulus head up and his eyes met James’. He brushed a curl behind Regulus’ ear. 

“You look beautiful.” James hummed. 

Regulus could feel the warmth in his cheeks and knew they had turned a soft pink at James’ proud smile. 

You know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger.

James leaned down to kiss him, but paused as the first few notes of a song began to play. 

“It’s our song.” James gleamed, sliding out of the booth. 

“Where are you going?” Regulus quizzed. 

“To dance”, James explained, grabbing Regulus’ wrist, “Cmon.” 

Regulus hesitated, but let James drag him off the bench. 

A small dance floor full of people had formed and James slipped them right into the middle of it. 

His hands were on Regulus’ hips, moving to the beat. 

Their bodies were pressed together, dancing around in their own little bubble. 

Regulus wasn’t much of a dancer, sure he’d taken lessons as a boy, but they weren’t really dancing- they were just rubbing all over each other. 

At one point Regulus’ back was pressed against James’ front. One of James’ hands was on his hip, moving them in sync. The other was under Regulus’ shirt, a warm pressured for Regulus to focus on. 

James’ mouth was on his neck and Regulus tilted his head to give him all the access he wanted. He nipped at Regulus’ soft skin, his hot breath sending shivers down Regulus’ spine. 

Do you have to let it linger?

It didn’t matter if it was one of the best nights of Regulus’ life. It didn’t matter that he was a little tipsy and stupid in love. 

James had kissed him goodnight and he headed up to his room. 

He was fine- perfectly content. 

And then his head hit his pillow. It was like every single thing that had ever made Regulus sad hit him all at once. 

“Regulus?” 

Regulus cried harder. 

The curtain opened and Evan and Barty slid in. 

“Oh, Reg…” Barty breathed, attempting to wipe the boy’s tears, but they kept coming. 

They laid down beside Regulus and held him as he cried. 

Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

~

And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for. You got me wrapped around your finger. 

Regulus stared up at the sky. All the stars were out, lighting up the night. 

“Do you have a favorite star?” James asked curiously, siting up a bit to rest his head on his elbow. 

“The sun.” Regulus muttered. 

James scooted closer to Regulus.

“I have a favorite star”, He piped up, before tapping Regulus’ nose, “He’s right here.”

Regulus scoffed, “How long did it take you to come up with that one?” 

James pouted, “Not that long, actually.” 

Regulus pushed his face away with his hand. 

The older boy rolled back onto his back, holding onto Regulus’ hand. 

He intertwined their fingers and Regulus’ breath caught in his throat. 

James rested their intertwined fingers on his chest, but said nothing. 

Regulus watched him, waited. 

He tried to see if the cogs were turning, if James was realizing he wanted Lily not Regulus. 

They hadn’t held hands since he held Lily’s, Regulus wonders if he’s noticed that. 

If he did, he never brought it up. 

Do you have to let it linger?

They laid there for hours in silence. 

Regulus knew it was over- knew everything was crashing down around him. 

He’d known for a while- so why did it feel like he was dying. 

Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

~

You know I'm such a fool for you. 

“I don’t want to do this anymore.” 

James stopped dead in his tracks. 

The pair had been doing their prefect rounds in silence for the past hour and were about to part for the night.

Regulus decided he didn’t want to wait any longer. He didn’t want to be broken up with- he wanted to control it. 

“Do what?” James asked, although by the tone of his voice and the stiffness in his stance, he must’ve suspected what. 

“This”, Regulus pointed between them, “Us.” 

You got me wrapped around your finger.

Once James’ suspicions were confirmed his face fell. 

He furrowed his eyebrows, reaching out for Regulus. 

“Wh- why? Why?”, James quizzed holding Regulus hands in his, “I love you, Regulus- I-”

Do you have to let it linger? 

“You don’t have to pretend anymore”, Regulus muttered, “You can be with who you want now- I won’t hold it against you.” 

“What? Regulus, what are you talking about?” James quizzed so lost and shattering in Regulus’ hands. 

Regulus dropped James’ hands, taking a step back. 

“Lily, James. You want Lily- go be with her”, Regulus explained, “I’ll be okay. You don’t have to worry about my feelings-”

James shook his head aggressively, stepping towards Regulus, but he just stepped back. 

“No! No- I don’t- what?! Regulus, please- you’re not making any sense.” James begged. 

“It was so good while it lasted, but it’s done”, Regulus breathed, “It’s done and that’s okay.”

Regulus felt like he was suffocating, like he couldn’t breathe. 

His name echoed down the hall as James called after him, but he was running away. 

Running from everything- from all his happiness and all his sadness. 

When he crashed into his dorm in sobs, Evan and Barty were there by his side. 

They promised him he’d be alright and when he went to sleep that night, he wished they were right. 

Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?  

~

“Regulus!” 

Regulus paused, spinning around as James appeared in front of him. 

James was huffing, out of breath like he’d ran the entire castle to get him. He was down, resting his hands on his knees to catch his breath for a moment.

He recovered slightly, standing up to his full height. 

Regulus let out a gasp. Right under his eye was the nastiest black and blue bruise Regulus had ever seen- and that was saying something. 

“What happened?” Regulus quizzed, his fingers ghosting over it before he could stop himself. 

“I understand. I get it. I get what you were saying”, James began his words spilling out of his mouth like he was afraid he couldn’t say them all fast enough, “You thought- you thought I liked Lily. Everyone did- I didn’t even know I was giving off that impression.” 

Regulus’ body tensed- he never even thought maybe James was clueless. He knew James better than anyone and he knew he was good- he knew it and he still thought so poorly of him. 

“I’m so sorry. It probably looked so bad and I didn’t even realize it could hurt you- I’m so clueless sometimes.” James frowned. 

“It’s okay-”

“It’s not!”, James exclaimed, “I screwed everything up- like I always do!”

Regulus grabbed his face, “Stop that- stop that. You’re perfect.” 

James placed his hands over Regulus’. 

“I missed you. Merlin, I missed you so bad”, James let out a shaky breath, “I love you, Regulus. Only you. Always you.” 

Regulus pulled James’ head down so he could rest their foreheads together. 

“I know. I know.” Regulus muttered. 

“Please come back to me.” James begged, his voice cracking. 

Regulus stood on his toes and kissed James. 

His James. No one else’s. 

“Always.” Regulus hummed as he pulled away. 

He gently kissed the bruise before lowering onto flat feet. 

James smiled brightly, like the sun. 

“Gonna tell me how you managed that?” Regulus asked pointing at his bruise. 

James rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. 

“Lily asked me out and I turned her down. Everyone was so confused because they said I’ve been flirting with her”, James explained, “Then I realized why you broke up with me and I blurted out to the whole common room full of people that I was in love with you.”

Regulus’ eyes widened. 

“Sirius gave you that?” He quizzed. 

“Oh yeah”, James winced in remembrance, “He broke my glasses and his knuckles.” 

“That tosser.” Regulus spat angrily. 

“A tosser that loves you.” James reminded. 

“I’ll try to remember that when I hex him into next year for hurting you.” Regulus hummed. 

The older boy chuckled, pulling Regulus closer and kissing him to make up for the last few days of withdrawal. 

James will spend the rest of their lives making it up to Regulus. 

And Regulus will spend the rest of their lives holding it over his head.