Regret

“You are my regret.”

Harry stilled as the words hit him, and he stared at the man sitting across from him in their secluded booth, eyes wide, mouth open.

“Wh-what?” He hoped he had misheard him.

Draco Malfoy shrugged one arrogant shoulder, looking out at the pub, entirely disinterested.

“You are my regret. Everything I did with you… It should never have happened. We weren’t meant to happen.”

“I don’t- I don’t understand-”

“Of course you don’t.” Draco sighed. “I regret what we did. We shouldn’t have ever happened together.”

“But- but you loved me,” Harry replied, still trying to work out what on earth he had done wrong back then for Draco to regret it.

Draco just shook his head. “I certainly thought I did. But looking back on it… That wasn’t love. I’m not even sure what in Merlin’s name it was that we had, but it wasn’t love.”

“Of course it was love. I loved you! What else was it? We were in love!” Harry said desperately, mind reeling in shock. They had loved each other so, so deeply. It had been a love Harry had barely been able to contain within himself. Whenever he looked at Draco, his heart had been full and his mouth stretched in a wide grin. That had been love. That had been the best love Harry had ever experienced, and he regretted nothing of that experience. Only that it had to end.

“Oh, I don’t know,” was all Draco offered, sipping on his beer, eyes looking everywhere except the man sitting opposite him. “We were not in love. It was a fling-”

“Don’t you dare call it a fling. It was more than a fling. It was so much more than a fling,” Harry bit out, fingers clenched tightly around his own beer, trying to work out what had gone wrong; what had he done to make Draco regret him?

“It was a fling,” Draco repeated firmly, but Harry was having none of it.

“It lasted five years,” he snapped. “You moved into my house. You shared my bed. You met my family. How is that a fling?”

Draco scoffed. “You have no family. That bunch of red-headed weasels are not your family.”

“How dare you say that to me!” Harry exclaimed, feeling his magic burning under his skin. “The Weasleys are my family. They were the only people who cared about me. They’re the only family I have left.”

“They’re a poor excuse for a family,” Draco sneered. “A disorganised mess. Far too many people.”

“You shut up about them,” Harry snarled. “They are the finest family I have ever had. They’re more than what you could give me.”

“Oh?” Draco slid Harry a bored, uninterested look. “And what is it that I couldn’t give you?”

“Our own family,” Harry replied, staring Draco down. “Do you not remember that? Lying in bed, talking about having a family together? You said you wanted two children. A boy and a girl. You wanted a family with me. How can you sit here now and call that a fling? Saying you regret it?”

“I was delusional,” Draco dismissed. “I never wanted that with you.”

That remark stung. Draco had been the one to bring up the idea of a family. He had been the one who first mentioned it, then started to plan it. It had all been his idea. Not Harry’s. Not that Harry complained; he was all for starting a new family with Draco. 

Harry took in a shaky breath, trying to keep himself calm. “Surely you don’t mean that.”

“Of course I do.” Draco’s gaze flitted back to the bustling pub and he sipped his beer, as if he was entirely unconcerned about the fact that Harry was near to falling apart before him. “What we had was nothing-”

“Don’t say that.” Harry shook his head in disbelief. “You can’t say that. It was not nothing. It was everything, Draco. It was… It was beautiful and passionate and full of love. We had everything.”

“Stop being so blind,” Draco snapped. “We had a ridiculously long fling that should never have happened and I regret it. I cannot fathom how you do not regret it also. It was a mistake.”

“What is wrong with you? Why are you calling me blind? I am not blind. You are the blind one if you can sit there and say you regret what we had. How you regret that, I have no idea. Draco, we were everything.”

“Oh, stop it. We were nothing. I regret everything.”

“Don’t you dare say that to me. We were everything and I regret nothing.”

“How on earth can you not regret it?” Draco asked, reclining leisurely in his seat, keeping his gaze out, not meeting Harry’s watering eyes. “It was a mistake-”

“It was no mistake.” Harry let out a harsh breath, blinking rapidly. He couldn’t cry. “Bloody hell, Draco. What we had was the most beautiful and precious thing in the whole world to me. I treasure the time I had with you. I loved you. I still love you!”

Draco scoffed. “No you don’t.”

“Yes I do,” Harry snapped back, wondering how he was managing to keep himself under control when everything in him was yearning to scream at Draco and lash out. “I still love you, and I regret nothing. We had something so special. It was… It was special-”

“You said that already.”

“It was the best,” Harry said, as if he hadn’t heard the man. “I can’t even work out what I did wrong for you to regret what we had so much. Merlin, I can barely work out why you ended things between us. What did I do wrong, Draco? How did I hurt you?”

“You hurt me in more ways you can even imagine,” Draco said savagely, turning fiercely to face Harry, slamming his ear mug onto the table, making Harry jump. “You… I was suffocated by you.”

“You loved me.”

“I did not. I never did.”

Harry sat back as if he had been slapped, tears beginning to trail down his cheeks. Draco just rolled his eyes.

“Oh don’t cry. You’re pathetic. We haven’t been together for what, almost four years, and now you decide to cry? Pitiful.”

“I spent three months in bed after you left me,” Harry said quietly, and he was secretly pleased when Draco stared at him in shock, mouth hanging open a little. “Hermione said I was catatonic. Ron said I was heartbroken. Teddy… Little Teddy just said I was being ‘Sad Uncle Harry.’ Luna was the one to get me up in the end. She dragged me to the park and fed ducks with me. Teddy begged me to take him a few days later.”

“Three months?”

“Three months.” Harry tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. “I wasn’t allowed to be alone for too many days at a time. I had a therapist. Molly insisted on cooking for me four times a week.”

“Well that’s a little dramatic,” Draco drawled. “You got broken up with, not traumatised.”

Harry let out a bitter laugh and looked back at Draco, a hard glint in his tear filled eyes. “Oh, believe you me, I had far too much unprocessed trauma. I was at my best, my happiest when I was with you. I was flying so high… Then you left. After five years. And I came crashing back down, all the way, right to the bottom. You leaving really fucked me up.”

“For Merlin’s sake, I ended a stupid little fling-”

“You ended a really special five year relationship!” Harry nearly shouted. “Bloody fucking hell Draco. How can you sit there and act as if it meant nothing to you, and say you regret it? How can you regret even one second of what we had together? It was so beautiful, so precious. Draco-”

“Stop. Please.”

Harry fell quiet and let go of his glass to bury his face in his hands, hiccuping as he tried to stop himself from bursting into ugly tears. The silence stretched between them, threatening to suffocate Harry, while the muggle pub vibrated with life and happiness around them, leaving them trapped in their bubble of misery. 

Harry hated this. Here he was, sitting with the man he loved more than anyone else in the entire world, longing to crawl into his arms and kiss him, like he used to. Yet the man he had fallen in love with appeared to have transformed back into his younger, meaner self. The sneer on his face reminded Harry of their days at Hogwarts, and there was a cold spark in his eyes that Harry didn’t recognise. This cold, disinterested man was not who Harry had fallen in love with. 

“Please, just- just help me understand,” Harry whispered eventually, the silence becoming unbearable. “I don’t understand.”

“What don’t you understand?” Draco asked with a sigh, as if he was entirely fed up with this interaction.

“Why you left me. Why you practically ignored me for four years. Why, in the name of all things holy, you regret the most incredible thing we shared together.” Harry lifted his face from his hands, his desperation clear as day on his expression. “I don’t- I don’t understand.”

“You don’t know why I left you?” Draco asked incredulously. “Ha! Salazar fucking Slytherin, that was four years ago, and you don’t know why I left?”

“No. I don’t. The day you left, you were irrationally angry at everything, shouted at me a lot, then packed up your things and left in the middle of the fucking night.” Harry shook his head with a bitter laugh. “You didn’t tell me anything. I knew something was off before then. You were acting all weird. And I tried to help, remember? You wouldn’t let me. You shut me out, and screamed at me when I tried to go near you. So no, Draco. I do not know, or understand, why you left me, or why you regret what we had.”

Draco stared at Harry, mouth open, beer forgotten about, a slightly hysterical smile beginning to form as he shook his head.

“No. No, I’m not doing this. Not here, not now, not ever.” He started gathering his coat. “Bloody hell, I can’t believe you.”

“Wait, what?” Harry dropped his hands and looked at Draco, startled. “No, you can’t leave!”

“I damn well can,” Draco sneered. “You’re a clueless idiot. I cannot believe you don’t know why I ended things, or why I regret it. I do not understand how you don’t regret it.”

“Because I loved you! Wait, Draco, please, please don’t leave,” Harry cried, but Draco stood up anyway with a roll of his eyes, coat slung over his arm.

“You’re pathetic. I would advise you don’t contact me ever again. Not until you have worked it out. Only then, will I talk to you.” Draco stepped out of the booth, but Harry caught his wrist before he could leave.

“You owe me an explanation!”

Draco’s lip curled in disgust and he snatched his wrist away as if he had been burned. “I do not owe you anything.” 

“Wait, Draco, please-”

“Stop it.” With a final glare that pierced Harry’s heart, Draco turned on his heels and stalked out of the pub, not even offering to pay for his meal. Harry stared after him long after Draco had vanished from the pub, before he turned around, numb, staring at the table in front of him.

Well, hadn’t that just gone splendidly?

Harry couldn’t work out, for the life of him, what had gone wrong. They had been so happy, so in love… His relationship with Draco was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Yet it crashed and burnt, leaving Harry a destroyed mess in its wake. 

The hustle and bustle of the pub broke through the ringing in his ears and he sighed deeply. He needed to go home. He couldn’t stay here, not anymore; he needed to get out and get away from here, where Draco’s cologne lingered and his angry words still echoed in Harry’s ears. It was too busy here, and Harry wanted to be alone to wallow in his thoughts.

Or maybe he wanted company. Someone to distract him from his more recent past, lest he do something stupid. Vaguely, he wondered if Luna and Ginny would let him crash with them for a day or two. He probably needed the company. The last thing he wanted was to end up like he had been when Draco first left him.

Though why he had left him was still a complete mystery to Harry.

His eyes caught on something shining on the table by Draco’s beer glass, and he frowned slightly, leaning forwards to pick it up. Yet the moment his fingers brushed it, he knew exactly what it was, and he gripped it tightly, heart shattering into a million pieces.

Sitting in his hand, still as shiny as the day Harry had bought it, was the ring he had given Draco in the fourth year of their relationship. Harry had a matching one which he still wore on a chain around his neck. Each ring was engraved with the phrase ‘Yours, Always’ and a small heart. A promise they had made to each other. A promise that had fallen apart barely a year later.

A few more tears trailed down Harry’s face as he stared at the ring clutched tightly in his hand. He had thought Draco had gotten rid of it when they spit up that fateful day four years ago. Why had Draco hung onto it, and why was he now leaving it for Harry? Why not just… Destroy it. Like he destroyed their relationship. 

“Would you like another beer, mate?”

Harry jumped and looked up, bewildered, at the waiter standing over him, ready to collect his and Draco’s empty plates and beer glasses, a hearty smile on his face. A harsh contrast to Harry’s broken self.

“What?”

“Another beer? Looks like you could use it. Or some more chips. Cheesy ones.”

“No. Thanks. Just- just the bill.”

“You sure? Your mate buggered off in quite a huff. C’mon. Some cheesy chips and another beer will make you feel better.”

Harry sighed and ran his hand over his face, trying his hardest not to completely break down in front of this stranger. “No. Please, can I just have the bill.”

“Oi! Dave, just get the poor bloke the bill! He’s been through it tonight,” shouted a pub regular from behind Harry, making him jump.

“Feck off Julie!” Dave-the-waiter called back. “Int none of your business what he’s been through. He probably needs the chips if he’s been dragged through the works.”

Harry stood abruptly, startling Dave, who stepped back a few paces, hands up.

“Hey, whoa now buddy-”

“No. Just stop. Here.” Harry dug in his pockets and thrust two twenty pound notes in Dave’s hand. “Keep the change. I’m going home.”

“Wait, are you sure that’s a good idea? You didn’t drive did you? Let me call you a taxi,” Dave offered, but Harry shook his head vehemently.

“I walked.” He had apparated. “I’ll be fine. I’ll call my friend. She’ll meet me.”

“I dunno mate, you’re all angry. Are you-”

“Fuck’s sake Dave, let the man go!” Julie called again, and Harry pinched the bridge of his nose. A habit he had picked up from Draco. “He’ll call his friend. He’ll be fine.”

“Be off with ya Julie,” Dave shouted back, making Harry wince, and he picked up his own coat. “Mate, honestly.”

“I’m fine. I’m going home, for Christ’s sake. Let me go.”

Dave gave him a sceptical look, but stepped aside after Julie threatened to come over there and drag him out of the way. Harry sent Dave a brief smile, doing the same to Julie, before he all but bolted out of there, walking as fast as he could without drawing suspicion. He just needed to get away from there. 

When the cold, winter air hit his face, he felt himself completely choke up and clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle his cries as tears fell once more down his cheeks. What had gone so badly wrong? How had he hurt Draco? Why didn’t he understand it all?

He attempted to take in a deep breath, but ended up choking on his tears and bent over, coughing brutally. When he regained his composure, he fumbled in his jeans pocket for his phone, quickly finding Luna’s number and dialling. She answered before the phone had rung but three times.

“Harry? What happened?”

“I don’t want to be alone,” he whimpered, leaning heavily against the pub wall, Draco’s ring digging into his palm. “I really don’t.”

“You’re at the pub?”

“Yeah. Yeah I am.”

“Stay there. I’m coming. I won’t be long.” 

Luna hung up and Harry buried his face in his hands, dropping his phone back into his pockets, trying so, so hard to stop himself from bawling. He couldn’t cry here. Not here, not now. He had to wait for Luna. He didn’t want Dave or Julie coming out and finding him. Dave would insist on calling a taxi, when Harry didn’t need a bloody taxi, he just wanted his friends.

He heard footsteps approaching, then there was a hand on his shoulder and a voice in his ear, soothing him, and his knees nearly gave out in relief. He looked up and clung to Luna desperately, his fingers digging into her arms.

“I’m here, Harry. I’m here.”

“Take me home. Please,” he whispered. “Just take me home.”

“You can stay with me and Ginny,” Luna replied, squeezing his shoulder. “Come on. Let’s go.”

Harry nodded weakly, leaning against Luna as she led him to a nearby alleyway to apparate them back to her house. Once there, Ginny wrapped him in a big hug, allowing him to take all the comfort he needed from her, before she gently guided him to the sofa and draped a blanket over his shoulders as Luna pressed a warm mug into his hand.

“I don’t understand,” he whispered, opening his palm to look down at the ring in his hand. “I… I don’t understand.”

“I know, Harry. I know,” Ginny soothed, her fingers threading through his hair as he lent into her, registering Luna sitting on his other side, her hand on his shoulder. 

“Oh, Harry, did your necklace break?” Luna asked, squeezing his shoulder as she spotted the ring in his hand. “Have you still got the chain? I can fix it for you, if you like.”

“No, no… This is Draco’s,” Harry replied, his voice cracking. “He- he left it-” he cut himself off as finally the ugly tears came, and Ginny took the mug out of his hands so he could wrap his arms around himself, body shaking with a fierce strength as he cried and cried and cried. 

He felt Luna and Ginny wrap him in a warm hug, resting against him from either side and letting him cry for as long as he needed, unable to work out what he had done wrong, and why Draco wouldn’t just bloody tell him. It wasn’t fair; none of it was fair, and Harry had absolutely no idea what to do about it now, as he turned over the question again and again in his mind:

Why did Draco regret?