I
Remus saw a young boy in a very large sweatshirt walks down the street, smoking a cigarette. He looked about 15 but maybe it was just an impression. His eyes followed the young boy curiously. He noticed that he was very young for a smoker. But what shocked him the most was his eyes. They were a beautiful bright color, that he had no time to recognize due to the darkness.
"How old are you son?" He asked , wondering if the kid was lost or something.
"More than you think, less than you can tell, an even number, but in a year it will be a prime number" He answered enigmatically in a slightly hoarse voice
Remus chuckled, amused by the answer. He was still amazed by his eyes. He couldn't shake the feeling that they had the same kind of gray mixed with blue as Sirius's eyes
"Is that the way you always answer people ? With riddles?" He asked, still chuckling.
"It depends." The boy rolled his eyes slightly. "If people irritate me a lot, I don't respond at all, or I reply sarcastically without using my precious brain cells, which are already too exhausted processing the stupidity of people around me"
"That sounds...really pleasant." Remus said sarcastically "And I suppose I'm being a stupid person for asking you a simple question?"
"If I thought you were stupid, I wouldn't be talking to you." Regulus replied, taking a drag from his cigarette "And your question is understandable. You think I'm too young to smoke, but my older brother started smoking when he was twelve, so it's not that worst in my age"
"Twelve ? That's a bit too young to do such things." He said with a frown as he glanced at the cigarette. "My mother would definitely kill me if I smoked when I was twelve. Do your parents know you smoke ?"
"My mother is very controlling and domineering, to say the least. That's probably one of the reasons why my brother ran away from home, when he was at my age. And I'm not going to worry about what they think anymore and I'm following in my brother's footsteps."
"Your brother left you alone with your parents...?" Remus asked with a small frown. He was curious about the boy's situation, and worried, not only about him but also about the brother who left him there. "If they're so controlling why didn't you run away too ? "
"I already did this" He replied looking around "I ran away from home a few days ago, like my brother. He was sixteen, as old as I am now."
Remus thought about these words. He knew that his partner Sirius was 16 when they ran away from home. They left their younger sister, but they believed that she would be fine because she had always been their parents' favourite. Remus froze, a chill running up his spine. He now suspected that he knew who the boy was.
"What is your name ?" He asked, wanting confirmation and trying to act normal as to not be suspicious. He was hoping this wasn't who he thought it was.
"Regulus," the boy replied, after a while. It was the first time he introduced himself to someone by his chosen name. He felt like it was stupid, being named after a star to keep the family tradition alive even if he left the family
Remus knew for sure now. Even the name sounded right. Regulus... From what he remembered, Sirius had some ancestor with that name. He looked carefully at Regulus, he actually looked similar to Sirius's sister, whom use to know.
"Is your older brother named Sirius?" He had to know now even if he knew what the answer was going to be.
Regulus looked at Remus in total shock, fear in his eyes. He couldn't answer, couldn't say anything. He just nodded, still unable to believe that the man he accidentally met somehow knew his brother
Remus smiled slightly as he saw the fear in his eyes, it was clear that it was an unexpected meeting. He wasn't going to hurt him.
"Let's just say...I ran away with Sirius."
"But he ran away with his girlfrie...." Regulus paused, looking at Remus and blinking a few times. "Are you.." he couldn't finish the question. Was it possible for this random passerby to be trans like him.
"...Yes." Remus nodded "Many people thought that I was Sirius' girlfriend but I'm their boyfriend, "
Regulus nodded to show he understood. And he understood it perfectly. Remus was just like him. Now he saw some similarities to his former self.
"So you're not a stranger after all, you've just changed so much that I didn't recognize you" Regulus laughed but couldn't help but catch Remus saying 'their boyfriend'. "Is Sirius using they/them pronouns?"
Remus was relieved and even a bit surprised by how he quickly formed a bond with Regulus. They knew each other before and you could even say they were friends, but it was 'girls friendship' and neither of them knew the other's real gender.
"Yes" He answered with a nod, "Their genderfuid. You can use any pronoun for them, but they prefer they/them. "
"Honestly, I don't know what this gender fluidity is. But I will try to find out and adapt to the pronouns, of course if my bro.." Regulus stopped mid-sentence and corrected himself "If my siblings want to have contact with me"
Remus chuckled at the way he was talking "Don't worry, I'm sure they will want to, you were the closest person in their life after all" He paused for a moment, thinking what to say. "Do you have somewhere to stay tonight?"
"Kinda.." Regulus replied hesitantly, it wasn't a lie, but he decided to tell the whole truth "I live in an old abandoned house. It's quite cold there, but there are some old blankets and I can somehow survive"
"My house isn't far from this place. You can stay with me for a night if you want. There are 3 empty rooms, and Mine, Sirius's and the guest room. There is also a kitchen, a studio and three bathrooms. It's more Sirius's house than mine, but they won't mind if I invite their brother"
Regulus shook his head "I don't want to be a problem for you and Sirius. I can really handle myself"
Remus stared at him with a serious face "I'm not asking, I'm telling you. Guest room is clean, warm and has a comfortable bed. Yours is...Well, not so much. You had enough problems with your parents. Now it's my turn to take care of you. "
"Oh, ok then...thanks...I would be really grateful if I could stay in this house for a while" Regulus looked down and then back up again. It was strange but he could swear that he felt himself as being watched. He tried to ignore it, maybe it was his anxiety or something.
"You are always welcome." He said with a small smile, not noticing anything odd about Regulus but something bothered him. He knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out why . Maybe it was because he remembered his first days in the house, the fear and the loneliness.. he hated to see someone else have the same experience.
"Thank, you" Regulus smiled awkwardly. He had no idea how to behave, but he believed that refusing help would be more rude than accepting it.
"Follow me" He started walking but stopped. "Do you have some money? Or did you only have enough to buy cigarettes ?"
"Yeah, I'm not that stupid" Regulus scoffed and pulled out of his pocket a wallet with several bills and five credit cards "I've been saving money since I was 11, and being the 'perfect daughter' in a fucking rich family, I received quite a bit of pocket money. I also have a lot of very expensive jewelry, so I'm not short of money. But it turns out that in London you have to be 17 years old to rent an apartment and that's the biggest problem."
"Damn that's impressive" Remus said honestly, "When I was eleven I spent all the money my mother gave me on chocolate. Also I thought your parents were so strict they wouldn't give money away to you. But I guess this is what happened when they have too much money, they give some of that away to their 'perfectly' raised children. " Remus rolled his eyes at the word perfect.
"Yeah, in my family everything was about perfection. Perfect grades, perfect appearance, perfect behavior. And my mother never gave me anything without me doing something in return."
The description of the family and its members fit in with the information that Sirius shared with the band. He was not surprised by what seemed to be obvious child abuse. "And I'm sure she made you pay back all those gifts with your unconditional obedience."
"Exactly! You're absolutely right, I had to obey my mother in every matter because I had to earn my 'rewards'. So if you're really interested I'm gonna tell you something interesting" Regulus said And he rolled up his sleeve, showing his burn scars "That what happened when I had cut my hair"
Remus immediately noticed the scars. He knew the story behind the curtain of the Black house. He saw Sirius's scars, a lot of scars on their body and even if they were joking about it, Remus knew it was serious. He looked at Regulus not knowing what to say.
"Are there more ?" He asked without thinking , trying to avoid the eye contact
"Yeah, I have...a lot of scars.." Regulus was feeling uncomfortable, he wanted to change the subject. Actually, he couldn't lie, and certainly not on command because he needed a plan to lie. He couldn't tell Remus that he was hurting himself because he would tell Sirius.
"Are you hurting yourself?" He asked with clear concern in his voice. Remus saw the fear in Regulus' eyes, he knew what it was. They were both going through the same thing. Remus also had scars on his body from doing just that, but never in such a way that made people worry. He wanted to take Regulus's hand, but he knew it would be too awkward.
"No! Of course not, why are you asking?" Regulus answered with an agitated voice. "I can stop whenever I want" he tried to look away somewhere, which only made things more suspicious. "I mean, I could stop if I did, but I don't. I love myself and my body, I have no reason.."
"Regulus.." Remus sighed. He know that was not telling the truth and he tried to hide it too badly because of his shyness. Remus knew that he had an unhealthy habit and what he was doing was very risky "Please stop lying my friend. I'm not here to judge you, I went through the same thing, so I know about these bad coping mechanisms.. Do you feel like it helps you with your dysphoria, that it gives you control over your body? "
"Well, yes." Regulus admitted, "You guessed. It makes me feel much better. The scars I leave are a part of me in my body that I can control. Each new scar is another step towards feeling free. And pain gives me pleasure. I know it's fucked up but it's true. But I can control this, I can stop whenever I want. So, please, promise me that you'll keep this secret."
"Regulus I won't judge you. I will not tell anyone, especially not Sirius." He said with an understanding smile. "And also I know that you think that it makes you feel free, but it doesn't. It only makes you more enslaved because you can't really stop even if you want to." Remus spoke gently and with empathy . He knew all too well how addiction worked.
"But..but...I can't just stop!" Regulus shouted "The dysphoria won't just go away. I can flatten my chest, cut my hair, wear oversize clothes, but.. I still have periods for God's sake! And how am I supposed to feel like a man when my body reminds me that I'm a woman every month. It's horrible. How do you deal with it?"
Remus's eyes softened as he noticed the despair in Regulus "I understand, it must be terrifying to feel like you're trapped in your own body with no way out. First of all, top surgery and testosterone helped me the best with my dysphoria. And before the operation, a binder helped. Have you ever thought about starting testosterone?"
"If my parents were ok with it I would have already begun. None of the doctors will prescribe hormone therapy for me without their permission. I have to wait until I turn 18 for both testosterone and surgery. That's why I saved money.
"Then you probably have only one year left. I know that this year might seem like torture for you, but it will feel so good to finally start testosterone."
He paused for a second before speaking again "Also you might need support, maybe someone that can help you through this process. You don't have to do this alone, even if your parents are not supportive your older sibling probably won't mind helping you with it. Sirius loves you very much, I know they do"
"Yeah... You may be right. It's a little myth more than a year, because it's October and my birthday is in January" Regulus noded "I can't wait for the day when I can finally start hormone therapy. I want my voice to deepen and get the facial hair I've been dreaming about since I was in kindergarten. And Sirius, they're great, but I don't want to put this problem on them. As you said yourself, their own mental state is not the greatest right now. I don't want to make it worse. And I'm a little scared to meet him there, after all, it's been over years since we saw each other"
"Then one year and three months roughly... " Remus tried to calculate when would exactly the wait end. "Sirius might be going through a hard time emotionally but I know that he would be more than happy to see you and help you. I think you worry more than you should about this. You shouldn't try to fight alone with your struggles, the same goes for him. So when we get to the house I want YOU to promise me that you will not avoiding Sirius. I know they will want to meet you and help you."
"Ok, ok I'll meet them" Regulus nodded "I want to meet them, after all, they was the closest person in my life. Maybe it's selfish and maybe I'm wrong but I want they acceptance. If there's one person in the world I trust, it's Siri. But still, I worry about them a lot, and I'm scared to see them again, I don't want to bring back old memories, or make things worse, or.. I don't want for them to reject me as their brother, what if they.."
"Regulus, stop it" Remus interrupted him as he was definitely overthinking and panicking "Look at me" He said putting a gentle hand on Regulus's chin"You know that Sirius would never and I mean NEVER, reject you so please get that out of your head immediately. I guess it would make a bit of sense if Sirius were to reject you or be transphobic when they are literally dating me, a trans guy, and aren't cis themself"
"Yeah, I know it's probably silly, but-" Regulus began, "When you're in a difficult emotional state, these silly thoughts come to mind. I'm sorry..." Regulus bowed his head in shame."And the fact that they're not cisgender too and dating you actually made me feel better. "
"It's okay, I've also had these thoughts before. But I'm sure it is going to be okay between you two and if something goes wrong I'm here for you. But trust me, Sirius will be there to support you."
"Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me" Regulus smiled at him, and then look at the sky "It's getting very dark"
Remus sighed. It was clear that they weren't even close to the house yet, and it was already late. "Let's go, before tomorrow" he encouraged as he started walking
"Yeah, let's go." They walked for at least half almost twenty minutes before they approached the mansion.