The sun was high in the sky and an owl was tapping its beak against the window of his bedroom, those were the two reasons that woke up the grumpy young man.
His onyx black curls fell softly against his face, they were messy because of the sleep but that absolutely didn’t ruin his beauty.
He slowly got up and walked to his window that he opened and took the letter from the brownish bird… an owl that looked way too familiar. Then, looking at the envelope, he realized.
It was James’ owl. Well, James and Lily’s owl.
His hands started shaking, why would he- they…why would they send him a letter?
When he opened it he could smell a strong and sweet scent, vanilla. Lily’s perfume. It made him want to throw up.
Not that he hated her…how could he hate her, she’s such an angel, no one could possibly hate a sweet and kind woman such as Lily. But then again he kinda wishes she were dead when he remembers the fact that she got the possibility to hold, to kiss…to make love with the man he craved so much since he was a teen.
God, how he regretted not confessing his insane love for James Potter when he had the possibility to do it, the many times they ended up drunkly making out at parties and he never had the courage to confess his true feelings.
He was in love with his brother’s best friend.
His brother’s best friend that was soon getting married.
He couldn’t bear that idea, it hurt him so much but he couldn’t do anything about it. It was too late now, he couldn’t break that perfect couple. He wasn’t enough for him anyway and James was too in love with that pretty girl to even think about him, well maybe he did think of him from time to time because he got invited to the wedding but maybe that didn’t mean anything.
Probably every person that ever had any kind of contact with them got invited. He was just one of them, he wasn’t special, he was just a regular guest that had various intimate encounters with the groom, none of which probably meant anything to the other man. Instead they meant everything to him. Everything.
Their kisses, their fingers tangling together, that warm feeling that spread in his chest when they hugged, those afternoons when they hung out in Hogsmeade, the nights together, the feeling of James’ hands all over him, the arousal of when their bodies became one…All of that.
He remembered it all too well. As if it was only yesterday that each one of those things happened, but it wasn’t.
A long time has passed since then and they haven’t even met in years even if his brother, Sirius, still hangs out with him at least once or twice a month or even more. But he didn’t.
He hasn’t seen his handsome face since James graduated from Hogwarts and that was 6 years ago. Six fucking years that passed in horribly slow way.
The only joy he had were his best friends Barty and Evan, they tried everything to make him happy and see him smile no matter how hard that was for them to do, they never failed. Not even once.
After he came back to reality from all those memories he finally started reading the invitation letter, it was short but it hurt like a knife stab in his chest.
“Dear Regulus,
We’re happy to tell you that we’re getting married in mid may and we’d be delighted to have you with us to celebrate.
If you intend to be there please send us a notice before the end of the month and we’ll send back an owl with further information about the event!
We hope you accept our invitation.
Lily and James”
He didn’t recognize the elegant and full of twirls handwriting so it must be Lily’s. It was just as pretty as she was, he hated that. He hated that so much. He just wished he could be that pretty.
Regulus didn’t even notice that his view got blurry and tears were running down his cheeks but when he did he immediately rubbed his eyes to wipe them away.
Why was he so fragile when it came to his love life? Why couldn’t he be more like Barty who doesn’t give a damn about who he fucks and doesn’t like commitment, or Evan that was pining after Barty since Hogwarts third year but he didn’t care if he ended up in bed with someone else. They just enjoyed each other sometimes, nothing serious, and they both were more than fine with that.
Why couldn’t he have something like that too but just a tiny bit more serious, exclusive at least.
He sighed loudly and crumpled the letter in his fist. He knew he was gonna go to that damn marriage anyway because Sirius would beg him to go with him and Remus but, right now, he didn’t want to think about it.
He left the crumpled paper on his desk and went to the bathroom, he stared at himself in the mirror. Oh how he hated his face. It was horrible. And if looked in the mirror long enough, in his view, it started to contort and all he saw were a bunch of roughly made facial traits as if a child drew him.
He held his face in his hands and then slid them down slowly and pressed quite hard, that made his face a bit red from the friction of his skin rubbing heavily together.
A sigh left his lips again, he looked so exhausted and he had been up less than half an hour…the only thing he could think about in that moment were all the things that he did with James when they were younger. He just couldn’t get them out of his mind.
Tears were falling from his eyes again, he couldn’t stop now. All this suddenly hit him even harder.
He exited the bathroom and stumbled towards the kitchen but he felt his head spin and lost balance, falling to his knees on the dark wooden floor. It hurt.
It hurt but not as much as imagining his soulmate with someone else. With a woman like that.
Why couldn’t he be like her?
No.
Why couldn’t he be her?
…
It took his legs many minutes before they could get him to stand steadily again but they still felt wobbly.
He needed to get his shit together, he knew he couldn’t get him so why couldn’t he simply move on like every normal person does with their one sided crushes?
Maybe it was because this wasn’t a normal crush.
This was an obsession. A twisted and obsessive love. He wouldn’t do anything about it but the man of his desires was in his head 24/7.
Soon enough he finally reached the kitchen and, with shaky hands, he made himself a black coffee. It was already 3pm, as always he wasted yet another Saturday because he went to sleep around 6am and spent all morning sleeping. It was nothing new, he had been doing it since the previous year when his friend Evan, who had been his roommate for the whole time after Hogwarts, moved out to go live alone in a big apartment in London.
He decided to read a book until he felt too tired to continue so he walked to the living room, put down on the coffee table his mug of coffee, walked up to the bookshelves and picked a random book to read. Casually it was a book named The Lover.
He immediately pushed it back on the shelf and groaned in annoyance. There was no way for him to get distracted if things like this kept happening.
He sat down on his comfortable black leather couch and started sipping his coffee. How he loved that strong, invading taste in his mouth. Exactly what he needed right now. A big mug full of fuming black coffee.
He calmly finished his coffee and finally he was totally relaxed so he decided to write a letter to James. No. James and Lily. To accept their invitation to the marriage. He wanted to write something that would sound nice and formal but in the end he didn’t.
He ended up writing just a quick note, just a simple line…
“I’ll come to your wedding. What do I need to wear?
R.A.B.”
…
A couple of days after he answered the invite, he received a letter with all the details and everything he needed to know.
He was supposed to wear a nice black suit and then, when he’d be there, someone called Marlene would give him a white rose to pin on his jacket. There weren’t many more specifics, just some indications for the place and hours, so he wasn’t nervous about what to wear specifically because he still had the elegant robes he used for his own graduation. And yes they still fit him, quite perfectly actually.
He decided he was gonna wear that to attend the wedding. How he wished he could be the one getting married with James. He was so jealous of Lily. He wanted to be her so much, he wanted her to disappear, he wanted to be the only one for James. But he knew that it wasn’t possible and he wasn’t going to ruin their marriage, he wasn’t that stupid. He wanted him to at least be happy even if it didn’t include himself.
…
Eventually the day of the marriage arrived, it was a warm and sunny day in may. The sky was blue and no cloud could be seen. It seemed the perfect day.
But it wasn’t.
Not for Regulus at least.
He arrived early, together with his brother and Remus. They had been chosen as best men and they dragged the younger boy along.
At the beginning he didn’t mind but then he realized that like that he would have had to talk face to face with James at some point.
When they got there, like pre-announced in the second invitation letter, a blonde girl that presented herself as Marlene pinned a white rose to his black jacket. It was a truly gorgeous flower and since it was also charmed it sparkled softly every now and then.
Later on, he learned that Marlene and another girl named Mary were the bridesmaids and also Lily’s best friends. Strangely he found them kinda nice even if they were both too loud for him and their voices were too squeaky to be pleasant to his ears. Obviously he didn’t talk with them, Remus and Sirius did. He was just there listening as he always did.
At some point all the other guests started to arrive and he felt himself get anxious… the moment he’s gonna see James is getting closer and closer every minute. What would he do if he tried to talk with him?
Soon the man that had him in a chokehold arrived, god he was gorgeous. He was even more handsome than he remembered.
His features were now sharp and manly, he finally grew into his adult self and he was so hot.
He wanted him so much…he couldn’t think of anything else, though he decided not to talk with him before the ceremony. Because if he did he’d be tempted to beg him to stop the marriage, to come back to him, to love him just as much as he did.
Only a half hour later he found himself sitting on one of the benches in open air under the bright sky, where the marriage was taking place.
The music started playing and all the people turned their heads to watch Lily walking up the aisle, her dress was white and had some lilac detailing that matched various decorations that were all over the garden.
He couldn’t deny it. She looked gorgeous-. No. Fucking perfect.
He hated that so much.
Once she reached James he held out his hand to help her walk up the few steps made out of wood…he looked so fond of her and Regulus couldn’t stand it.
He wanted James to look at him like that again just like he used to do when they were teenagers.
He missed having those eyes on him, he missed knowing he was desired by someone and especially he missed that light feeling of love he felt every time they were close to each other, even if they never really confessed.
But now, nothing of this mattered anymore.
He wasn’t his before and he wasn’t going to be now, especially now.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice that they were already exchanging vows, this is happening all too fast.
He wanted to run away, he wanted this to be just another one of his nightmares but the reality slowly started to get to him and he started tearing up but obviously nobody noticed since he wasn’t the only one crying.
Sirius’ face was also stained by tears but those were of the emotion of seeing his best friend being so happy with the person he loved and not because he was sad about it. Those tears were nothing like Regulus’.
The younger of the two siblings then finally decided he couldn’t take it anymore, it was done after all. They exchanged those precious golden rings and that meant he had nothing to do there anymore.
That was the last thought he had in mind before the only thing he knew was a burning pain in his lungs caused by how fast he was running.
Yes, he was running away; tears in his eyes, messy hair and his clothes disheveled…not that he cared anyway.
He didn’t even know where to go but he had to get away from there, he couldn’t stand then being happy while he suffered that much. He wanted them-… he wanted her to suffer like he did.
He wanted her to know what it feels like to watch the man you love being taken away.
He wanted her to know what it felt like not to be Heather.
Not to be Lily.