The Boy from a Broken Home
Hermione stared at Theo’s dark mark for what felt like an eternity, paralyzed by the war of emotions playing out inside of her. She knew this was a very likely possibility, but actually seeing it ripped the air from her lungs in a way she hadn’t expected. Instead of disgust, she found herself conflicted.
Hermione reached out instinctively to run her fingers along his mark, but paused when he shifted sightly in bed, lolling his head to face her, still deep in sleep. His dark eyebrows were stitched together, and even in sleep he seemed troubled. What was she doing? This is what she had wanted, what she had worked for, she had proof that Theo was in league with the dark lord. All she had to do was write Harry and Ron in the journal they had left for her, it was sitting in her desk drawer, only 6 paces away, hidden by a mountain of concealment charms. But Hermione found that she couldn’t move her feet, and to her surprise it wasn’t magic keeping her in place, but the sinking feeling in her stomach that she couldn’t define.
She needed to get out of here, the air was so thick with conflict that she couldn’t breathe, and every glance at the sleeping man next to her only confused her more. She needed to breathe fresh air; air untainted by the scent of sex that still clung to her favorite bedspread.
Hermione quietly crept out of bed, throwing on the first items of clothes she could find, a pair of jeans and a tank top; and tucking her wand into her pocket she split for the door, making sure to gently close it behind her. The more space she could put between her and Theo the better. She needed to think without the visual reminder of the monumental slip up she had made the night before staring her in the face.
The crisp morning castle air had the exact sobering effect that Hermione had hoped; it was like being dunked into a bucket of ice water, and every step she took only served to clear the fog from her brain more and more. Finally, the logical part of her of which Hermione had grown so dependent on was taking the lead again.
Last night had been a mistake; a lapse in judgement brought on from high levels of stress and an underlying feeling of abandonment that she had been suppressing. It could have been anyone, Theo just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Proximity and vulnerability were to blame. Perhaps she was subconsciously feeling connected to him because of their mutual understanding of the loss of a parent, or in her case, parents.
Hermione comforted herself with these thoughts as she made her way through the castle and onto the Hogwarts grounds, the morning mist still clinging to the grass. She didn’t have a destination, only the desire to put as much space between herself and Theo as possible while she figured out what to do next. She wandered aimlessly until she found herself standing in front of the black lake. The grounds were deserted, and Hermione relished in the sounds off the Scottish countryside.
She sank to her knees in the dewy grass, too deep in thought to remember to cast a drying charm. She closed her eyes and listened to the soft rushing of wind, the inky black water of the lake lapping against the shore, and the birds singing as the morning sun peaked over the hills, bathing everything in a golden light. She took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind of the events of the last 24 hours. To plan her next move, she needed to see the situation for what it was, without bias.
So, Theodore Nott was a death eater. He was a soldier in Voldemort’s army and deserved to be arrested. It was simple. Turning him in would be simple. The ministry would take him to Azkaban and she would return to her normal life. Simple.
Except it wasn’t.
Hermione shifted her butt into the grass and pulled her knees into her chest. It wasn’t simple. The Theo she had gotten to know the last few weeks didn’t seem evil. He didn’t seem like the monsters that make up all of Voldemort’s army, he seemed, well, human. Logically she knew she was fooling herself by assuming that she had gotten to know him to any degree, the only personal thing of significance he had told her was his mother’s name, and she was pretty sure he had only said it aloud because he thought she had fallen asleep.
But she had this nagging feeling that there was more to the story than meets the eye, more to him. First off, he seemed broken up by his mother’s passing, and if the rumors were true, his father was to blame. Why would someone willingly choose to work side by side with the man responsible for the murder of their mother? Second, Hermione was having a hard time pinpointing a plausible motive. Voldemort and his followers were devout blood purists, dead set on eradicating muggles and muggleborns. They had literally started a war over it. If Theo truly shared their ideology, then last night would have never happened. His eyes had been filled with lust, and she had tasted the longing on his lips. He hadn’t seemed like someone who viewed her as an abomination when he was breathing in the scent of her hair while she clung to him on her dresser. Hermione knew that this alone was not enough to prove anything, but it just didn’t make sense.
He had implied that he was dangerous, that he was proficient with dark magic, and he had shown an extraordinary, albeit unnerving aptitude for legillimency, but even knowing all that, she couldn’t shake the feeling that there were layers to Theodore Nott, and a part of her wanted to peel them back and see what was hidden underneath.
Hermione sighed in frustration, her life had been one challenge after another since her eleventh birthday, but through it all she always knew she could rely on her intellect to guide her. Her brain had always been the one thing she could count on without fail. But for the first time in her life, she found herself in the middle of a ruthless game of tug-o-war between her brain and her heart. She knew what she should do, but she wasn’t sure it was what she wanted.
But what did she want? Hermione really had no idea anymore; the war had made everything so complicated. She had once believed in light and dark, like they were two separate things that existed completely independent from each other. That ideology had led her to believe that people were either inherently good, or evil. The stupidity of it made her smile to herself as she stared out over the black lake. Now she understood that it was never just light or dark, it was a spectrum. But where did Theo fall? She couldn’t make that decision in good conscience without knowing more, without knowing why.
As if on cue, she heard the grass softly crunching behind her, so quiet she most likely would have missed it if she wasn’t already so on edge. She didn’t turn around; she knew who’s face she would see if she did, and she knew why he was here. He had woken up and realized she had seen his mark, why else would she have fled from her own room?
“How did you find me?” she asked him without turning around.
The steps paused a few feet behind her, and he was silent for a few moments before responding.
“Do you really want to know?”
Hermione considered the question, did she? Locating spells were easy to come by in the wizarding world, but for objects, not people. Tracking spells specifically for people were exclusively dark magic.
“No” she deadpanned and shivered, the brisk October air nipping at her exposed skin. She really should have grabbed something warmer before she left, but she had been so focused on not waking up the sleeping man in her bed.
She felt Theo draping something warm over her shoulders, and a glance downward revealed that he had wrapped his school robe around her. She stared at the Slytherin green, the absurdity of the situation hitting her full force.
Hermione stood up abruptly and whipped around, training her wand on the brunette wizard behind her, his robe falling off her shoulders and into the grass.
“Cut the shit Nott” she ground out.
“Were back to Nott now are we? I don’t recall us being on last name basis last night” he responded, the corner of his mouth lifting ever so slightly in a cheeky smirk.
Hermione didn’t entertain him with a response, she wasn’t in the mood to play. Instead, she walked slowly up to him, pressing the tip of her wand into his jugular, hard, yet the subtle smirk never left his face. Even with a wand in his face he wasn’t afraid of her, or perhaps he just wasn’t afraid of death in general? Either way, he was ballsy, she had to give him that.
He stared into her eyes, looking for an answer to a question she didn’t know, but whatever he was looking for he seemed to find it, because when he did speak up, it wasn’t a question.
“You haven’t told anyone yet” he stated as a matter of fact, his smirk morphing into an expression of surprise.
Hermione’s resolve wavered, he was already seamlessly taking control of the situation, even though he was the one with everything to lose. She needed answers, and to get them she was going to have to be aggressive.
“Why?” she asked him simply. She didn’t need to elaborate; he would know what she was referring to.
“I can’t tell you” Theo said quietly.
“Fine, have it your way, I’m sure McGonagall would be very interested to know what her head boy has hidden beneath his left sleeve” she spat in what she hoped was a convincing tone. To really sell it, she whipped around and started moving towards the castle with a sense of purpose.
Suddenly his hand was on her arm, and she was being pulled to a halt.
“Wait!” he demanded, slightly frantic. “Wait” he repeated, slightly calmer after taking several slow deep breaths.
She stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something, anything; anything to convince her not to turn him in.
“Not here” he stated, and before she had time to react, the hand on her arm tightened and she felt herself being pulled through time and space. With horror she realized Theo was apparating them. How could she have been so stupid? He could be taking them literally anywhere, he could be taking them right to Voldemort’s doorstep.
As soon as Hermione’s world stopped spinning and she felt her feet on solid ground once more, Hermione rounded on Theo, pointing her wand directly at his face, and this time she wasn’t bluffing. The full body lock charm was on her tongue, but the moment she opened her mouth she heard a snapping sound, and her wand was wrenched out of her hand and into the air, falling cleanly into Theo’s outstretched hand. Her eyes frantically searched for his own wand, but finding none, she realized Theo has disarmed her with wandless magic. Hermione nervously gulped; she could add that to the ever growing list of reasons she should be terrified of Theodore Nott.
Without her wand, adrenaline thrumming through her veins, and entirely locked in fight or flight mode, Hermione fought back the only other way she knew how. She ran at him, swinging her fist towards his face as hard and she could. She felt her knuckles caress the skin of his cheek, but he had dodged just enough to avoid any damage. He grabbed her arm and used her own momentum to flip her around and locked her in a full body bind with his arms, her back against his front. She wriggled furiously, trying to break free from his grasp.
“For Salazars sake Granger, I’m not trying to hurt you” he growled.
She didn’t stop fighting his grip around her, if he was going to kill her, she wasn’t going to make it easy for him.
“Granger!” he yelled again, “look around you”.
Hermione glanced up for less than a second, never pausing her valiant effort to escape the 6”4” death eater. But as soon as she lowered her eyes again, she found herself doing a double take. They weren’t at Voldemort’s doorstep, or a death eater rally, or any of the many places she feared he would drop them into the middle of. Instead, they were still at Hogwarts, but not quite. They were on a cliff overlooking not only Hogwarts, but the black lake as well. Looking further, she realized she could see all of Hogwarts valley. In the distance she could all the way to Irondale. It was breathtaking, and she felt her body reflexively going slack in awe.
“It’s beautiful” Hermione whispered.
“I know” Theo responded, looking over her shoulder at the view in appreciation.
“How did you find this place?” she asked, temporarily forgetting that only a moment earlier she had been fighting for her life.
Theo released her slowly, trying to gauge her reaction before removing his hands from around her entirely. Seemingly satisfied that she was done trying to kill him, at least for the moment, he dropped his arms to his side and turned his face back to the view appreciatively.
“Draco stumbled across it, back in 4th year, and brought me not long after” he said dazedly, the corners of his mouth curling up absentmindedly, clearly lost in a happy memory.
Hermione already knew that Draco and Theo were close, they had been connected at the hip at Hogwarts up until 6th year, when they seemed to drift apart a bit for whatever reason.
“Is that why you took the mark? Draco started a trend and you just had to jump on board? Was that what all the cool Slytherins were doing?” she pressed, the venom leaking into her voice again. Even the beautiful view wasn’t enough to make her forget why they were here to begin with.
His smile dropped and he rounded on her, stepping forward until he was towering above her, his face only inches from her own.
“You bloody fucking Gryffindor’s, always assuming they know everything, when in reality they know nothing” he spat back, his voice dripping with danger. She had obviously hit a nerve.
“So, enlighten me” she challenged with just as much anger, closing the gap between them even more. She was so close to getting the truth, she could feel it. She needed to push him just a little bit more.
His mouth twisted into an angry scowl, and he started to turn his head, but she wasn’t going to let him run away from this. She reached her hand out and gripped his chin, bringing it back to face her.
“You brought me here for a reason Nott, and I think it’s because you want to tell me the truth, but you’re afraid”.
He scoffed and fought against the grip she had on his lower face, bit she held strong.
“Yes, afraid. I think you’re afraid of being overheard, I think you are afraid of Voldemort, I think you are afraid of your father, and I think above all else, you are afraid of yourself” she challenged. She could see it in his eyes, she was on to something.
Suddenly he was laughing, and she dropped his face out of confusion. Out of all the reactions she had expected out of him, anger, violence, etc, laughing was not one of them.
He turned away from her and looked out over the cliffs edge at the picturesque scene in front of them. “Like I said, fucking Gryffindors, always assuming they know everything” he said quietly.
He turned to face her again, this time his face much more somber. “You think I’m afraid of Voldemort? Afraid of my father? Wrong” he stated.
She waited for him to continue, too afraid to respond in fear that it would derail the direction that this conversation was going. The truth was on his tongue, she could feel it. The air around them was vibrating with vulnerability.
“The only thing I’m afraid of right now is you Granger” he said with disdain, spitting into the dirt beside him.
Hermione blanched; this is not what she was expecting him to say.
“Excuse me?” she sputtered.
“This” he said, gesturing with his hands at her and himself in wide circular motions. “This was not a part of the plan, and it’s going to get me fucking killed”.
Ignoring her own heart fluttering in her chest at his response, she raised an eyebrow cooly. “Plan?” she questioned.
Theo deflated a little bit at her question, in his frustration he probably hadn’t even realized he said something as incriminating as that. Theo hung his head, seemingly defeated, and then turned once again to face Hogwarts, jutting majestically out of the green earth, so beautiful it didn’t even look real.
“Draco and I have always been best mates, since we were in nappies together. The irony is that our father’s friendship is what initially brought us together, Lucius was always coming over to Nott manor, with toddler draco in tow, but it was our mutual hatred of our fathers that sealed Draco and I’s friendship forever. My father and Lucius are cut from the same cloth you see, Men who put power above all else, above their family” Theo recited, his words dripping with resentment. He chose to keep looking out over the valley instead of meeting her eye, perhaps it was easier for him this way.
“I’m not going to talk about what it was like for us as children. I’ve heard that you met Lucius on several unfortunate occasions, and someone as intelligent as you doesn’t need a blow by blow to understand why neither of us were too keen on our fathers growing up, and then my father… my mother…” he paused, seemingly at a loss for words, before he cleared his throat and skipped the subject of his mother entirely.
“Draco and I were brothers, when I had no one else, I always had him. When he found this place, he brought me here because he knew there were times when I needed to just be alone, and I’ve been coming here ever since”.
Hermione processed what he was saying, all of it made sense, but it didn’t explain anything, she was still just as lost as she had been before when they were standing on the banks of the black lake.
“Theo… I’m confused…” she started-
“I took the mark before Draco” Theo interrupted, turning to face her.
Hermione sucked in a breath, shock and fear prickling over her skin like ice.
Theo’s face crumpled into an expression so broken that she found herself wanting to reach out to him, to comfort him, but she refrained.
“My father returned home from a rally one evening, drunk and boasting that Voldemort was looking to recruit a Hogwarts student, someone able to carry out his orders from within the castle walls. I remember the moment when I realized that the only two death eaters in Voldemort’s inner circle that had students enrolled in Hogwarts was my father and Lucius, I had a full blown panic attack, because I knew that it was either going to be Draco or myself”.
Realization began dawning on Hermione, and the horror must have shown on her face, because he nodded in confirmation somberly.
“No one says no to the dark lord, not if you have anything worth losing” he said emptily. “So I took the mark first, I volunteered, hoping that he would spare Draco, that with me acting on his behalf, he wouldn’t need another student.” Theo laughed again, but this laugh was different. It was filled with disgust. “The day I took the mark was the only time my father ever told me he was proud of me”. His laugh was short lived, replaced by a far away look.
“But Lucius fucked it all up, he was so desperate to get a leg up with the dark lord that he volunteered Draco only weeks after my initiation. So, it was all for nothing” Theo deadpanned.
Hermione was reeling, she had never even considered that Draco wasn’t the first to get marked. That would mean that Theo had been initiated the summer between his 5th and 6th year, perhaps even before that. She felt her heart breaking for him.
Hermione took a step towards him and grasped his hand in her own. “Why don’t you quit?” she asked gently.
Theo jerked his hand away from hers with a scoff, “One does not just “quit” after you’ve been marked, that’s not how that works. The tattoo itself is permeated with ancient magic, it binds to its host and acts as a direct link to Voldemort and his followers. There is no running, there is no hiding. Even immensely complex magic such as the fidelius charm is useless against the ancient magic infused in the ink, and regardless, it’s not my safety I’m worried about. If I run, or revolt, Voldemort is no fool, he will know my weakness will be the people I care about”.
“People?” Hermione inquired, noting that people implied multiple, and the only person he had talked about having any regard for was Draco.
He waved his hand dismissively with a sneer, refusing to answer the question. Hermione could tell that she was pushing it, he had opened up to her, and she was pressing for more than he was willing to give. But there were just a few more missing puzzle pieces that she needed.
“Something between you and Draco changed during 6th year, didn’t it?” she asked him quietly.
He flinched and nodded, Draco was obviously a raw subject for him.
“When I volunteered to take the mark, Draco assumed that I was trying to ruin his family’s chances of getting back into Voldemort’s good graces. Even after I explained my reasoning to him, he was too upset to see things clearly. It probably would have blown over, but the dark lord took a special interest in me not long after my initiation because of my adeptness at legillimency, and it seemed to exacerbate the rift between Draco and I. Draco has always had a deeply ingrained need to make his father proud, and all he could see was that I was getting in the way of that”.
Hermione nodded, that made sense, it all made sense.
“So, are the rumors true? Did your father kill your mother?”
“That’s enough for today Granger” Theo responded with an authority that didn’t leave any room for arguing.
Hermione just stood there quietly, digesting all the new information as she peered out over the valley. His story seemed sincere, and if it wasn’t, then he was a damn good actor. It explained the why, but there was still something that worried her, just because he hadn’t wanted to join, didn’t make him not dangerous. He was still linked to Voldemort, and if his only loyalty was to Draco, then that made him dangerous to the order. Hermione thought about all the Daily Prophet articles she had read lately about attacks on muggles by death eaters, had one of those black and white masked men in the photos been Theo?
Hermione swallowed nervously at the thought, but now knowing what she knew, would she be able to turn him in anyway? Her heart ached for the boy from a broken home with eyes the color of rain, who would do anything to save his friend. If she turned him in, she would be damning him to a lifetime in Azkaban, and she couldn’t bear the thought, not if there was any possibility of saving him. Hermione knew this would mean withholding information from Harry and Ron, an unforgivable betrayal if they ever found out, but they hadn’t been too concerned about betrayal when they left in the middle of the night without her, she thought bitterly.
“Alright Nott, I’ll make you a deal” she began. He turned to her looking slightly wary with his hands in his pants pockets. “I won’t turn you in, for now, if you give me dark magic lessons”.
Theo’s eyebrows shot straight up into his curly hair, and he did nothing but look at her for a solid 30 seconds.
“Let me get this straight, Hermione Granger, golden girl of Gryffindor, swot extraordinaire, and Harry Potters best friend, wants dark magic lessons from a death eater? Did I get that right or have I officially lost the plot?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes, at least three times a week” she said firmly, hoping he wouldn’t ask for an explanation
He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head in disbelief, “Well, um, why?”
Hermione sighed and crouched on the ground, playing with a small daisy poking out of the grass. “Recent events have highlighted some concerning gaps in my education” she said, looking up and giving him a pointed look before looking back down at the flower again. “Besides, to know thy enemy is to know thyself, right? We’re fighting an army of dark wizards; to play their game we have to know their game”.
Theo nodded in understanding, “Smart Granger, but I don’t think your fellow Gryffindors would agree with you on that one”.
“That’s why we are never going to tell them” she said firmly, standing up to face him.
Theo cocked an eyebrow and looked down at her through lidded eyes, “I like this side of you” he said heavily.
“Don’t get used to it Nott” she responded, pushing past him and knocking shoulders with him in the process. “Last night was a mistake, and it won’t happen again” she called over her shoulder as she walked towards the cliffs edge again, drinking in one last look at the breathtaking landscape.
He was silent behind her, but she wasn’t going to allow herself to repeat last nights mistake. She knew too much now, any more involvement between the two of them beyond their lessons would complicate everything even more than it already was, and she was determined not to let that happen.
“We should go back” she said with finality, “if both of us are absent for breakfast, it will only fuel the rumor that you started” she said with another pointed look in his direction.
Theo smirked and held out his arm, which she took in her own while trying to ignore the fire of his skin against hers. Even as they were sucked into nothingness and spit back out onto the banks of the black lake, she could still feel the electricity passing between their connected arms. As soon as her feet landed on solid ground, she dropped his arm and took a step back, looking up to meet his eyes. He was staring at her just as intensely as she had been staring at him.
“See you around Nott?”.
“See you around Granger”.