“Hi, it’s Jeremiah right?”
She was a ginger. Dark brown eyes and freckles. She was wearing jean shorts and converse. One black one white. She had on a black tank top and a jean vest with pins all over. She smiled at me and I tried to match it. Truth was it just wasn’t my day and over the years I’d stopped pretending to smile through pain. It was hard though, to not have that reflex with someone you don’t really know.
“I’m going to take a wild guess. Your last name is Weasley” I grinned. She laughed
“Which one of my six brothers have you met?”
“Ronald”
“It’s Ron,” she laughs again. I frown a little in confusion before laughing a little as well.
“Makes sense. If my name was Ronald Bilius Weasley. I’d probably ask people to call me Ron too. Mcgonagall takes immense pleasure in calling him by his full name”
“You guys close?” She sat down in the chair opposite me which made me set my pen down after finishing my sentence in my essay for Snape’s class tomorrow.
“Not really. He has his own group of friends and I just got here a few months ago. I did a group project with him and Hermione Granger. Hoping that never happens again, she’s intense when it comes to work” I grimaced at the thought of our work.
“Yeah she’s intense when it comes to work”
There was something about her expression that told me she wanted to ask me something. I wasn’t sure what though, we’d never spoken before. I didn’t mind her company.. For the first time in years I didn’t feel the need to make the effort of socializing and being around people. I kept to myself more. It’s not that I didn’t talk, it's that I started to appreciate my own company. I started to rediscover who I was. It was a weirdly nice feeling. I looked back at her, raising my eyebrows slightly
“Don’t think I caught your name” I asked. I picked my pen back up, starting on my essay again.
“Ginny- hey, I was wondering. Do you want to be a part of the LGBT club?”
It took a second for her words to register and for me to become red in the face
“Excuse me?”
“I saw you the other day… kissing a boy at the party and today I noticed-“ she looked at me and her voice faded “You know what, never mind”
“No it’ fine- it’s just I didn’t think it was that obvious”
My sexuality was probably the only part of myself that I was one hundred percent sure of. I liked men and women. It felt like it had always been that way. I never questioned it. People around me did. I guess you could say that people didn’t expect that when I told them I had something that I wanted to say.
I’d heard it all, “You're just seeking attention.” or “are you sure, how can you know if you haven’t fallen for a boy?”
I knew the answers to give by now “Why would I want attention? Why would I choose to have people question who I am? Besides, you don’t choose who you’re attracted to.” and “what makes you think I haven’t fallen for one” Truth was. I had fallen for a boy. It was a complicated story.
My mom used to say that sometimes I just knew things. I could sense them and I knew what it was, with no doubt. To some extent it was a blessing because on some levels I felt like I knew myself but truth was that sometimes with every passing day I felt like I didn’t know myself at all.
“I wouldn’t say it was obvious just-“
My phone rang. It was him. I gave Ginny a shy smile. Motioning that I needed to respond and walked out of the room, phone held against my ear.
“Steven?”
“Hey, Jere, how are you doing?” There was a slight edge to his voice. I’d been ignoring most of his messages for the past few months. We were growing apart, we were different. I told myself that cutting ties was easier.
“I’m alright, you? Why were you calling?”
“Oh uh nothing. Look I just wanted to talk to about what happened between us-”
“I don’t have the time for that right now, I was actually finishing up an essay for class tomorrow.” It was partly the truth. Partly just that I didn’t want to have to drag the conversation on for longer than necessary. “Besides, I don't really know what you want me to say. You made it pretty clear where we stood last time we talked ”
“Oh-“ he stared before I hung up on him.
Ginny looked at me. It scared me because for some reason it felt like she could see right through me, like my emotions were easy for her to read. It made me feel vulnerable and bare and like I couldn’t hide anything from her.
“Friend?”
“You could say that. His name is Steven and we haven’t really been talking” I gave a polite smile. I didn’t feel like explaining any of it.
My phone buzzed with a message. Steven.
Did you hang up on me?
I let out a deep sigh. Ginny looked at my screen with raised eyebrows.
“Do you want to explain why you’re being cold with him?” Ginny asked “Kind of sounds like he just wants to see how you’re doing.”
How was I supposed to explain any of it? I couldn’t, not fully at least.She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts “Look I know that we don’t really know each other at all but we’re looking for new members in the LGBT club, we want to be taken seriously and have an impact. We really just spend our time creating a safe place, so many of us don’t have that at home. Will you think about it? We have a meeting tomorrow during lunch”
It was inviting, more often than not it felt like I didn’t really have a family. Conrad was still back in the US at Stanford and my dad and I hadn’t talked in over a year. My mom was gone and I could hardly say that Aunt Julia and Skye felt like family, although in recent months I had gotten to spend more time with them and oddly, they were nice to be around.
“I’ll think about it”
It was funny because even if I was confident in who I was and my sexuality I sometimes didn’t know how to express it and I didn’t know how to talk about it. It was my opportunity to learn how to do that. It was my opportunity to meet people that are like me.
She smiled and somehow I was under the impression that she was actually really happy that I was thinking about it, glad that she had gotten me to accept spending time with her and her friends. “Give me your number, that way I can text you the place we meet up”
“Smooth” I laughed
She rolled her eyes and gently slapped my arm. “I’m a part of the LGBT club for a reason, dumbass, I’m not into men and I have a girlfriend” I laughed and for the first time in a long time, it didn’t feel off putting to do so as I entered my phone number into her phone and she got up to leave and get to her next class.
I was getting ready to wrap up my first year here at Hogwarts. Finals were coming up and instead of feeling a sense of relief I felt empty. After finals I wouldn’t have anything to keep me busy. I wouldn’t have potions class and homework. I wouldn’t be able to spend my photography lessons learning new techniques. Hell, I’d probably even miss math and physics. Divination was one of my favorite subjects, but I couldn’t get through it sober though. Charms was interesting enough, it didn’t feel as draining because it was mostly learning new spells we rarely ever had to write anything down. I found it really hard to concentrate when a teacher spent too much time talking without ever having us do anything.
It felt like I was finally starting to find myself but away from Hogwarts it wouldn’t be the same. Hogwarts was a place that kept me grounded and I wasn’t sure what awaited me during the summer.
Going back home haunted me and deep down I knew that I just wasn’t ready, a part of me didn’t know if I ever would be.
“You’re coming back here for the summer right? We’ll meet up in Cousins.” Belly asked me through my phone, she was looking at me but I was finding it hard to focus on our conversation.
It was later that same day after class and dinner and I was sitting on my bed. We shared dormitories here in Hogwarts but I didn’t mind because lately I didn’t like to be left alone with only myself. We all had our own spaces, although small when you looked at them you could automatically tell a lot about a person. It was a representation of us. My part of the room was filled with posters of Star Wars and the Lord of the Rings. To some extent it felt like I’d outgrown that period of my life where I brought up either franchise In any conversation but truth was they both still meant a lot to me. They were a part of me. A lot of the other objects spread across my area held a huge sentimental value. There was a jar of seashells that Belly and I had collected together. There was a fake diploma Conrad had made me as a joke for one of my birthdays. It was one of those “Number 1 brothers' '. There were a lot of photos. Memories.
It was reassuring in a way to hear the voices and breaths of people around me. I couldn’t explain it except that alone at night is when I felt most vulnerable, when my thoughts overwhelmed me and it was hard for me to regain control over them.
“I don’t know Belly, I’m working at an internship near Aunt Julias for most of the summer, I don’t really know that i’ll have the time”
It was true, but even truer was that I couldn’t stand that place anymore and that if I could help it I didn’t want to step foot in it anymore. It's not that it didn’t hold any good memories, if anything, growing up it was where I felt the best, where I was surrounded by people that I loved and I knew loved me. It was different now, without mom. I didn’t feel right to go there when she would never get to again. Cousins reminded me of her and I'd grown to hate it; Conrad kept telling me that it would feel good to go back, it would help me get closure. I should say goodbye to the place, that it was a place that would make me feel closer to her.
“Not even for the 4th of July?” It felt like she was pleading with me, under different circumstances I might have found it funny. “Jere, it's her favorite holiday. She’d have wanted us all to be together. At least try, even if it's just for a few days. Conrad’s been asking about you-”
I scoffed “Has he now? Because personally I haven’t gotten a single text from him.”
She looked taken aback by that, which told me that he had probably lied to her and told her I was the one icing him out.
“Oh, well please reach out to him okay? And your dad too.”
I nodded, because deep down I knew I should. That it was just an easy way out for me to pretend like they didn’t exist and like I didn’t want them in my life. It was a two way street though, I couldn’t be the only one putting in effort to make sure that our family didn’t completely fall apart.
“How have you been? How are your classes?” She tried a smile
I passed my hand through my hair “They’re alright. It feels nice to be doing something I actually enjoy. How about you, how are you enjoying senior year?”
“It’s kind of kicking my ass a little bit” She laughed and I smiled knowingly, truth was I hadn’t been fully able to enjoy senior year either. “I’m really not sure about college. Not sure I’m ready for any of it. Scares the shit out of me”
“You’ll do great, besides isn’t Taylor going to the same one? It’s always a little easier when you have someone” Ironic coming from me considering I had done everything in my power to make sure that I was as far away from home as possible, with no one to fall back on
“She is, my mom’s actually afraid that between the time I spend talking to you and the time I spend with Taylor that I’m not going to fully appreciate the beauty of forming college friendships” she rolled her eyes.
It was true, we did talk a lot, in fact I spent most nights on FaceTime with her. She was the only connection I still had to home.
“Yeah well your mom has always been known to worry a lot” I teased
“True. Hey, Jere i’m going to have to go, I have an essay to finish and I really need to turn in it tomorrow. We’ll talk later okay?” I watched her get off her bed. It was mid-day there. She lived really close to her high school and she had a two hour break for lunch so she always went home to eat.
“Yeah of course, bye” and she flashed me one last smile before disconnecting.
When I looked at my messages I had one from an unknown number. Ginny
Will we have the honor of your delightful presence tomorrow?
Of course. I’ve always dreamed of having a ginger friend. An endless amount of terrible jokes I can make. I replied
Cam came back into our dorm at that point. He was the only person I’d known here upon arrival. The difference between us is that he came here because his family was moving too, he wasn’t trying to run away from anything. I was envious of his family. I knew it was dumb and I knew they weren’t perfect but it was still miled better then anything I experienced growing up. I spent most of the weekends there with him. They might as well be my second family.
Sometimes it’s not untill you experience something that you realise how much you needed it in the first place. Like it was meant that way and now so many things in your past start to make sense.
“Did Snape kick your ass for your non finished essay?” He raised his eyebrows
“He did yeah” I anwsered, laughing “It’s only my second non submitted paper of the semester. I’ll be good”
“Are you planning on trying out for any of the sports teams?”
“I probably should, I just don’t really know which one.”
“They have a runners club. They go running a few times a week. Honestly I think it could do you a lot of good. It helps clear your head. It helps you concentrate a lot easier during class as well.”
He was right, I did need that. It would help me a lot. “I’ll give it a try”
Cam was the type of guy you could spend hours sitting with in silence and it would never feel awkward. It always made people laugh when they realised that they way we was met was because we had dated the same person. It was ironic that my friendship with Cam was one of the only good things that came out of that relationship.I wouldn't change it for anything. It didn't really feel like they'd known each other before coming here. They'd both changed so much since. In a way it was a releif to have him here, proof they that that part of his life could still exist and not be only tied down to bad memories. Belly helped a lot with that.
He was great in class. He was one of those people that always managed to do good in class because he understood everything the first time around. I was the type of person that had to work extra hard to make sure my grades were passable.
I started to get ready for bed, I debated whether it was a good idea to talk to Conrad or not. I decided that it couldn’t hurt to shoot him a text.
Hey, I was just wondering how you were? Nearly done with finals?
I ended up falling asleep before his response came, my earbuds in, music playing through them because recently that was the only way I managed to fall asleep. The music drowned out any of my thoughts.
“Oh. You’re here, great” Ginny turned to look at me with a smile as I came through the door at lunch the next day. “This is Dean” She pointed towards a boy who gave me a smile. “That’s Seamus” she pointed towards the boy with green hair who raised his hand in greeting “This is Harry” the boy readjusted his glasses before smiling at me
I smiled back, settling my bag beside my chair.
“What are we here for today?” I asked.
“We want to organize a conference on LGBT in the media, let people understand what it’s like and what’s good and what needs to change” Seamus put his hands in his pockets. He was looking at me curiously “And what might your name be?”
“Fisher, Jeremiah Fisher”
“I invited him here, Finnigan.” Ginny interjected “Okay so how do we think we want this to go?” She had a notebook and a pen. Ready to take notes.
“I think we really need to just start with what specific topics we want to cover,” I said.
It used to always feel like this. Like no matter where I was I could fit right in.
“What do you mean by that?” Harry asked
“Oh well. you know- For example explaining why using stereotypes surrounding a certain sexuality or gender does more harm than good” I answered
“That sounds good.Maybe explain why certain visions that people have of us is outdated and needs to evolve or change” Dean interjected
For a while it was like that. All of us giving our opinions and just listening to what the other had to say.
“So how did you end up figuring out you were gay Jeremiah?” Harry asked after a while
I hesitated before answering. Knowing I’d get this question at one point or another didn’t make me any more prepared.
“I’m bi, actually. I fell for my best friend's brother. He’s as straight as a line though so that’s that” I laughed. It’s true. I was just withholding part of the story.
“That can’t be good but it happens to the best of us” Harry grimaced “I'm just wondering what your best friend had to say about that though?”
“Oh well, she doesn’t really get mad. She’s currently dating my brother”
“Oh god.”
He couldn’t possibly know that I also had a crush on her, right? I wasn’t THAT obvious. One look at his face told me I was tough.
“Yeah. It’s all good. How about you? How did you come to realize you were a part of the community?”
He looked a little nervous and off put, I was ready to take it back because making anyone uncomfortable wasn’t my intention at all.
“Oh, the usual I guess you could say. I realized I was attracted to men. It took me a while to accept though. I think self acceptance was harder than being accepted by the people around me.”
“My good friend Harry here is somewhat of a philosopher.” Ginny grinned as she tapped his arm gently, he rolled his eyes at her and gave her the middle finger. She got up and made her way to the snack table I’d seen her set up earlier, a smile still on her face.
I took a look around and it made me smile to see all the different LGBT decorations
“Is your girlfrind not a part of this club?” I asked Ginny. She was the only girl here so far.
“She is, she couldn’t make it today though. She was stuck finishing up her essay for class. I think you probably know her. You’re a Hufflepuff right, aren’t most of your classes with Ravenclaws?”
“Yeah, whats her name?”
“Luna Lovegood”
“No way, with long blond hair?”
“That's her” Even her smile told me that she was deeply in love with this girl.
“We have most of our classes together. She was a great help when I first arrived. She knows this place like the back of her hand. What was great is that with her, you don’t really have to worry about silences. She’s usually the one doing most of the talking” I laughed
“How’d y’all meet?” Seamus asked her.
“Oh we were friends for a long time. Our parents knew each other before we were even born.”
“How’d it become more?”
“She came out to me. I guess I always knew that she liked girls. Not liking men was another can of worms for her to open” I could tell it was a lot for her to say this. “I didn’t know at the time that I felt the same way. I was dating a guy back then and I thought that it would be me and him until the end. I guess I just didn’t really know how to differentiate what society wanted for me and what I wanted for myself. It took me a while to realize that.
I could get used to this group of people. It was kind of an abrupt departure as Dean, Harry and Seamus had to leave for class. It was just me and Ginny left to clean the room before we left.
When I looked at my phone as I headed out, I saw that Conrad had responded to me. The text he sent me made me freeze.
**Did Belly tell you she got an offer to go to hogwarts?**