Chapter 1
Sirius Black was once never scared of death.
He climbed trees, jumping down from them as high as he could based on pure adrenaline pumping through his body.
He would cross the road without looking, believing that nothing could go wrong. The amount of times he nearly got hit by a car didn't matter to him.
He would sneak out in the middle of the night via his bedroom window, having no idea on where he was going, but he had trust in himself and the environment around him that he somehow wouldn't get hurt.
Even when his mother punished him, when he took the hits for others, leaving him completely black and blue, he still believed that he was invincible. That nothing could ever take him down, and that it would certainly die trying.
That was until the day death had greeted him, like a soft blanket soon to suffocate him, something he would lose himself in so easily. More so, death had abused him to the point that Sirius had forgot his identity, forgot that he was invincible. It was difficult to think that you will never die when you're so close to it, when you can taste the blood in your mouth out as it oozes from every available surface of your body, when you can feel your heart struggle to pump based on the amount of blunt force your chest has suffered. Sirius was left at the bottom of his family home stairs, recently being thrown down them as punishment for talking back, unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to not be scared.
Now, Sirius Black knows that death lurks in every corner. You can never be fully happy, you can never let yourself be tangled up in enjoyment, because death will always be one step ahead of you. It will have you tied down to shackles, the metal ripping into your skin, dragging you around like a slave as it sucks the soul out of you. It'll rip everything good from right under your feet, not caring about the claw marks you leave behind as you try to cling on, as you kick, scream and cry. Death leaves no mercy.
Sirius would let little gasps leave his mouth, his chapped lips splitting in half as he tried to keep himself functioning, as he didn't let himself be absorbed by the pain, as he fought the urge to curl up on the rug beneath him and just accept his fate.
"This is what happens when you defy me." Walburga explained, her hand gripping at the younger black brother's shoulder, her nails close to digging into his skin, leaving visible marks. He would wince, Sirius could hear it, the sharp intake of breath and then the panic when the grip had gotten tighter - Sirius had been there, he knew what it felt like. "I know, mother." Regulus spoke, his voice emotionless which caused Walburga to smile but it was nothing sweet, nothing pure like a mother should be, instead it was full of poison. Poison that she was infecting Regulus with, leaking it into his veins and watching him rot from the inside out, neatly displayed for her.
"Regulus dear, watch him for me. I'm going to notify the family and see who else wants their fun." Walburga would state, moving swiftly into one of the larger rooms in the mansion, most likely where the rest of their insane fucked up family was placed. Regulus took this as his chance, quickly running down the stairs but being gentle on his feet, something Sirius had taught him, making no noise so no one would be alerted. Sirius wish he could deny, to not allow his younger brother to see him like this, but he was barely remembering to breathe, never mind bickering with his stubborn brother at a time like this. "Sirius?" A quiet whisper would leave Regulus' mouth as all the colour in his skin seemed to have disappeared, leaving him looking deathly pale as his eyes widened at the picture displayed in front of him, deep dark red strokes splashing over the carpet.
"I'm- I'm okay, Reggie." Sirius managed to choke out, clinging to his side as he felt a sharp pain shoot down his body, causing him to abruptly cough which made Regulus look like he was going to explode. Regulus moved quickly, trying his best to support his older brother as he placed a hand on his back, instructing him to move and have some support against the railing. Sirius obliged, now sitting up as he spat the blood that was pooling in his mouth beside him, a stain that definitely would not come out. "Why did you have to talk back? You could have just-" Regulus started rambling, unsure what to focus on first but his eyes soon gravitated to the rather nasty gash in Sirius's thigh, grating his teeth as he ripped off part of his shirt and wrapped it against the wound as tight as he could to try and stop the bleeding. "I'm leaving tonight, Reg." Sirius announced, not caring what Regulus was mid ramble about, not caring that he interrupted, he had to get his plan across in the very limited time that they had. The statement made Regulus freeze, shuffling away from whatever wound he was trying his best to tend to, his face soon shifting from worry to fear. "What?" He would stutter, his eyes soon beginning to tear up, a delayed reaction, as he thought that Sirius was joking. Anything to make him laugh in a more like this, anything to lift spirits - right?
"James offered. It's been the plan for a while now but.. I didn't think I would actually need to take it." Sirius quickly explained, hesitating with his words slightly as he watched his brothers facial expressions change, the visible look of despair shown perfectly. "Sirius- you can't leave me here. Not with them." Regulus said, his breath soon speeding up as he became fidgety, anxious. His brother was his saviour, the only one who understood, how was he supposed to give that up? He wasn't ready to give it up. Sure, the two of them might've not had the perfect life, but they made it better for each other. "Then come with me. James will understand, so will his parents- please. Come with me."
"You're- you're joking, right? I can't leave with you, they'll kill me!" Regulus's voice sounded desperate, something Sirius hadn't heard for quite a while actually, though it still hurt. It still shattered his heart, but those shards weren't sadness, no, they were anger. Flaming hot anger that had been carried throughout generations. Sirius was born with this anger, and he will die with it. "If I don't leave then I will die! They have been killing me, ever since I took my first breath! I need to go, Regulus." Sirius sounds just as bad, unsure what he was pleading the most, the safety of his own life or his brothers. He hated being put in this position, but if it came to it, he would run. He would disappear, and he would get the chance to come back for Regulus.
"I hate you." The words leaving his brothers mouth didn't hesitate, in fact it was almost kind of immediate. The tears streaming down his face, his cheeks now flushed red and his eyes puffy as he wanted to beg for Sirius to stay, but he couldn't. Regulus couldn't because he knew deep down that Sirius had already made his choice, and no matter how much he pleaded, no matter how much emotion he pitifully spilled, Sirius's mind couldn't be changed. "Reggie you'll be safe if you come with-" Sirius tried to explain, not realising that he was now kneeling, reaching for his brother, but the younger boy in front of him refused, instead slapping the hand that was gently placed in front of him, now thumping closed fists softly into Sirius's arm, nothing that would hurt but an outburst that described his anger. An anger that resembles Sirius, something he had passed down after trying so hard to shield Regulus. Nothing was working, nothing would keep him safe in this cruel world, especially not if you where born into the black family, you didn't have any idea of what the word safe meant, so why should Sirius keep trying? Why should he continue to punish himself? A darkened, selfish thought then haunted Sirius's consciousness. He knew that Regulus was the favourite among the two, so he would never be hurt as bad, nothing like what Sirius had to face, and if Sirius ran, his family couldn't put Regulus in the same position he was currently in due to the fact that Regulus would be the only stable heir to the noble house of black fortune, and his family would believe that Regulus would carry on their twisted legacies.
"No! I hate you! I can't leave and you're leaving me! How is that fair!?" Regulus was now yelling, not caring about making a noise, and clearly not caring about harming his brother as his punches got more rapid and had a tad bit more weight to them. A sick part of Regulus, something he couldn't quite understand, hoped that his hits hurt as well as his words, to hurt Sirius as much as he was hurting. To get his revenge. "I'm sorry, Reggie." was all Sirius could voice before standing up, hearing the noise of a door opening and clacking of shoes against marble flooring as his fight or flight response kicked in, it quickly becoming flight as he raised to his feet, leaving himself a single second to stick his hand out once again to his younger brother, one last final plead to come with him, to show him that no matter what, Sirius will continue to protect him, but Regulus hesitated, he took too long, his nerves had gotten to him and he froze in place. By the time that the younger black brother had stuck his hand out, the whole situation catching up to him, Sirius was already halfway through the hall, close to the door as he was limping, dragging himself on to continue. Regulus wanted to yell, to lift himself up and run after his brother, to join him, to believe his promises, but instead Regulus sat there frozen, feeling the eyes of his mother glued to him as he realised that Sirius's blood had stained his palms, it now being dried in which made Regulus cry ten times worse. It was all too late, no matter how much Regulus screamed now, Sirius couldn't save him.
Even though it killed him, Sirius didn't hesitate. He didn't stop when he heard Regulus's pleads for him coming from inside the house, when he heard his mother shriek when she realised that he was gone, instead he ran as fast as his legs would let him. He would run until his head was spinning, until his kneecaps where breaking and his lungs were giving up on him, and even at that, he continued to run. A large part of Sirius wanted to turn right back around, to storm the hals of his house and drag Regulus back out with him, but his brain put chains on his heart, convincing himself that he will go back for Regulus as soon as he could, that he would not forget about his brother. Sirius had been protecting Regulus for sixteen years, putting himself in danger instead, and it had done nothing for them - so why would this situation be any different? If he went back, he would've been killed, and then he had no way of protecting Regulus.
For sixteen years, Sirius had been putting his life at risk, thinking it was the right thing to do, but it got them both nowhere. Instead, he burned the bridges between him and his little brother, viciously tearing them down with his teeth, the only thing Sirius Black knew how to do, the only type of 'love' his parents ever showed him. Sirius replaced those bridges with a whole mass of unforgivable trauma instead.
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Sirius soon sprang life, causing the mattress to creek underneath him as it dipped due to the sudden motion. He would clutch the material of his tee beneath his fingers, feeling his heart rate, which was pumping like it was about to explode, but it was proof that he was very much alive, that he hadn't been left for dead. Sirius could feel his black locks sticking to his forehead, an uncomfortable sensation as he tried to remember where he was, but he had no memory of it. He didn't feel safe, but he didn't feel like he was in danger either.
A hand quickly grazed Sirius's shoulder, causing him to jump and quickly swat the hand away, cursing under his breath as he tried to look around, trying to gather his surroundings but it was dark, his head was still spinning and his heart rate wasn't calming down, he couldn't see. This in fact did not calm his nerves, especially since the hand tried to grasp for him again, which caused Sirius to grab it, a tight grasp as he heard the other yelp.
"Sirius, it's just me. You're okay." The voice would ring in Sirius's ears, a familiar sense of comfort rushing through his veins, causing his breathing to slow down, something that could be noted of a normal pace, but nothing was ever normal for Sirius, so he was still defensive. "Reggie?" It was soft spoken, hesitant, but Sirius wished it was his brother, though if he were to grab at his brother like that, he would probably have gotten slapped. Regulus wasn't great with touch, even when it came to Sirius.
"Yeah Sirius, it's me. Let's go back to sleep? Everything's okay." The voice would speak back to him, and Sirius immediately let go of the hand, replacing it with soft sobs instead. The voice didn't sound like Regulus, not one bit, but Sirius didn't catch on to that. He was too distracted from his nightmare, and the unawareness of his surroundings. Instead, Sirius clung to what he thought was Regulus, latching on with no intentions of letting go as he cried into the crook of the warm body's neck. "Fuck- Reggie, I'm so sorry- so so sorry." Sirius's voice was unsteady, shaky, vulnerable. Everything he didn't like, but he found it hard to care. He finally had his little brother back.
"It's okay. I forgive you. I'll always forgive you." The voice hushed Sirius's sobs, gently combing his hand through Sirius's hair as he let him cry, let him apologise until his throat became raw, allowed him to let it all out before sleep slowly crept up on him, probably due to exhaustion from the crying and pleading. The body beneath Sirius softened, allowing himself to peel away from the mask that he was hidden under for Sirius's sake, a sigh escaping from his lips.
James didn't enjoy lying to his best friend, stone cold to his face, but in situations like this it was definitely needed, he had learned this over the three months that Sirius had been living with him, he had learned through trial and error due to the many different nightmares that Sirius faced when his thought had time to pounce on him. The first time James tried to comfort Sirius when he was out of touch with reality, he ended up in a headlock on the floor, his dad having to come in and break it up when James was yelling for Sirius to let him go. Sirius couldn't look at James for a total week after that experience, and when he did, he didn't stop apologising for around a month. James didn't care of course, he welcomed whatever Sirius had to throw at him, because he knew his friend was grieving, and if that was the way to cope, then so be it. James could take the harshness, the bitterness, whatever Sirius didn't mean, he accepted it with open arms if it's what helped.
Though James' alter ego of Regulus only came into place a few weeks ago, when Sirius woke up from a pretty rough nightmare, begging for his brother, and unsure of what to do to get Sirius to calm down, James became Regulus - or at least an image of him, a placeholder, a facade. It wasn't an average occurrence, James didn't have to do it every night which was easy on his heart, but it was becoming more apparent which James hated. He despised seeing his best friend in such a state, it shattering his heart into a million pieces, and making him feel useless because he could barely help. Sirius wasn't himself anymore, and James wasn't sure if Sirius was ever himself, if it was all just a lie to seem okay, but it got James thinking, which is truly a dangerous thing.
It might've been out of place, he might've been stepping over boundaries, but what if James could settle this feud? What if, he could talk to Regulus, get him to open up, and introduce the brothers to one another again, to reunite them. His family had tried to get Regulus out as soon as Sirius showed up at their doorstep, but it was near impossible. There was no way to contact Regulus of their plans, and his mother definitely couldn't go knocking on the Black's door, asking to talk to Regulus. It was a difficult situation, but they where all trying their hardest, so what if James could go that extra mile? James knew his plans would be tough, especially since he didn't know all that much about Regulus, only the things Sirius told him, but that's when he was younger, and things have most definitely changed now. Though James was a quick learner, and a great observer, not to mention his charm was impeccable, so he didn't see that many faults in his plan. Of course if he told Sirius, or anyone else for that matter, they could probably explain many ways of how it could go wrong and try to talk him out of it, but they didn't need to know James's plans quite yet, he could hide them, which isn't necessarily lying, it's just prolonging the process of them finding out. James wasn't exactly going to hide it forever, he'd just have to be smart about it.
Parts of James debated on telling Sirius, but he knew that Sirius would either deny, claiming that his brother hates him, and that to was useless to even try, or he would try to get far too involved, which would chase Regulus off. James didn't want to burden Sirius with his plan, he wanted to keep it hidden as long as he could from his best friend since he had a lot on his plate currently, so instead James let Sirius sleep, escaping from reality into hopefully a much nicer realm, one where they could all be happy, and nothing went wrong. One that him and his brother could live in complete peace with one another.
A realm that James Potter was determined to eventually make a reality.