Chapter 4
Loki
He let out a relieved breath; he had actually made it to the room that he had been told to use before the participants of the group had arrived.
Inside the room, he found bottles of water and some snacks that the university staff had placed there to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone spread on the big, old, circular oak table in the middle of the room.
So pretentious, Loki bitterly thought to himself, but he soon let out a sigh at his own disdain of everything expensive and noble; he had grown up in a wealthy household himself, after all, and he really shouldn't be so contemptuous.
He had just taken a seat at what could be considered the head of the table and had tried to think about the introduction speech he had prepared, when the door swung open and two young woman, both dressed in flowery sommer dresses and heels entered the room with confident smiles and took each a seat at the table. Loki immediately recognised that both of them had hearing aids, and he didn't need to see their hands move quickly in small gestures to understand that they were nonverbally communicating their amusement about his rather disgruntled appearance to each other.
"Hi," Loki said and tried to sounds as confident as possible, but it hardly worked. "My name's Loki. I'm responsible for this group here."
The two woman shared a look and giggled, but neither of them responded to Loki; he wasn't exactly sure if they could hear him, but he was rather confident they could in fact and simply chose not to respond to him.
He sighed to himself and tried to focus on his speech again, but the door just opened and revealed more participants of the group.
One by one, people with visible or invisible disabilities, some faces Loki had been seeing for years on campus, some new faces, entered the room and took a seat around the large conference table.
Loki eyed it again and again, and he was already worrying about the fact that Ivar might not get a much needed seat if he wouldn't come soon, when the door swung open again and revealed the young Scandinavian man.
He was leaning heavily on his crutches, and it pained Loki to see him struggle and hurt so much, but before he could do as much as scramble to his feet and help Ivar sit down on the closest available chair, Matt and Newt appeared behind him.
Loki furrowed his brows; he had not taken Matt for someone who would like to hang out with people with disabilities and go on weekend trips with them or attend game nights, and he had no idea what Newt was doing there whatsoever, but he decided to simply accept it for now; he would soon enough find out, after all.
Loki watched as Ivar quietly instructed Matt of where he could find a chair, and Matt in turn pulled out a chair for Ivar, so that he could sit without struggles. Newt simply followed them and kept his head ducked like Loki was already used to him by now. He wondered if the young Brit ever really looked up and met anyone's gaze.
Loki checked his wristwatch once again and found that it already was 5:07pm and also all the chairs were occupied by now, so he decided to start the meeting now; if any participants would come later, he'd simply repeat the most important things for them. And he would try his hardest to smile and not make them feel terrible for arriving late.
He rose to is feet and softly cleared his throat before putting one a strained smile. "Alright. Let's start this then," he said and tried to sound a bit more motivated than he felt.
"My name's Loki, and I'm in my third year here at Columbia University. I'm majoring in history and mythology and I'm going for PhD this year. I know that some of you are from law or med school or any other fancy faculty, but the schoolboard decided that only one support group for all faculties must suffice. Blame it on shortenings."
The better part of the participants chuckled, but all Loki paid attention to was how Ivar huffed out a laugh and gave him a lopsided grin.
Loki reciprocated the smile shyly before he continued talking to everyone again.
"Anyway," he said: "this here is a safe space for everyone who has the need for some support that goes further than what our university offers usually. If you need any help in finding out where and how to get accommodations of any kind, you can just approach me whenever and I'll take it right to the dean. Also, we'll be having an open group meeting every Thursday afternoon, and if the occasion is given and the money granted, there will be game- or movie nights, weekend trips and much more. I'm looking g forward to be working with you."
He sighed to himself and paused to let his gaze wander over the participants; it was a very heterogeneous group with all kinds of people with all kinds of needs- something he was totally unequipped to work with.
"Maybe we should start with an introduction round," he said then and sat down again. "You know me now, but you don't all know each other yet and I hardly know anyone here, so let's just start with this." He signed the first guy next to him to start.
The man was in his mid-twenties and sat in a wheelchair. He gave a charming smile into the round, but it was obvious that he was quite insecure when he cleared his throat. "My name is Jake," he began and drove his hand through his short brunette hair. "I just started studying international relations. I, er, used to be in the corps, but... well, you see," he pointed at his apparently paralysed legs and mustered a pained grin. "And I'm studying now because my twin brother is and he kinda forced me to." At this, he let out a small chuckle and earned some smiles from his audience. "But he's in med school, so don't worry, you won't mix us up. He also tends to actually use his legs, so... well, no mixing up." Another round of chuckles made its way throw the room.
Loki nodded; he knew he had to distance himself from all the stories that he would hear in the next few minutes because otherwise it would make him feel miserable
Fortunately, he had learned to not let anything past the walls he had built around his heart and soul during his childhood already.
"Thank you very much, Jake," he said professionally and turned to the girl next to the ex-marine.
She smiled shyly at him before she spoke. "Hello everyone," she said and waved a hand at the group. "I am Imogen, and I am bipolar." She stopped and huffed out a laugh. "Wow, it feels weird to say that. As if this was my therapist's couch." She patted the plastic chair that she was sitting on and chuckled. "Which it obviously isn't because my therapist has an actual couch, not just plastic chairs. Anyway, I'm doing art history and I want to get my PhD as well. I started with being the artist myself, but the stress of it triggered my manic episodes, so I had to find a calmer thing to do. And now I'm spending all my time with analysing shitty portraits of mediocre artists." She shrugged and the smile on her face wasn't fading a bit. "That's just how it goes, I guess."
Loki swallowed; he had only heard two stories, but both already challenged his poker face. He nodded to Imogen as if he wanted to thank her and turned to the next person (which was Ivar, and that he had been waiting for).
Ivar smiled politely at everyone before he started. "Hello, my name is Ivar. As you may here from my accent, I'm not from here. I grew up in many places, but for the last few years, I've lived in Denmark where I also was born. I'm studying politics and sociology, and right now I'm doing an exchange year in order to learn more about the US system from first hand experience."
He stopped at looked down at his legs. By the way his face twitched ever so slightly, Loki could tell that he was contemplating if he really should continue. But in the end, he sighed to himself before the put a smile on and spoke up again.
"I have brittle bone disease, and some other health issues that come with it. So you will see me using crutches on some days and a wheelchair on other days. If you say hi to me on the hallway and I don't react, it might be because my eyes and ears are steadily going worse." His gaze wandered to Loki and their eyes met.
For the first time, Loki let his guards down and let the emotion that Ivar felt and tried to hide so hard under his own armor of being cocky wash over him.
He felt the pain that Ivar was in, and it wasn't the physical pain. He could see in Ivar's still young face that he had gone through more pain, more disappointment, more fear, more insecurity than most people did in their whole life.
"Thank you, Ivar," he said softly (maybe a bit too soft to sound professional) and his eyes lingered just a second too long on the other man before he realised what he was doing and he cleared his throat to continue.
"Matt," he said firmer again as he turned to his other new (or not so new, actually) acquaintance to Ivar's right. "It's your turn."
Matt nodded and smiled his nauseatingly charismatic smile again, but half his expression was hidden behind his dark red lenses, and Loki was sure that he just had a really good poker face and did not actually enjoy all of this.
"My name is Matthew," he began. "I'm in my last year of law school, I'm here from New York- Hell's Kitchen to be exact- and well, I'm blind if you couldn't tell so far." He kept smiling his charismatic smile, and not for a second he slipped (which was most impressive in Loki's opinion; everyone else had shown some sort of bitterness about their unique situation after all).
"Thank you very much, Matt," Loki said and nodded again, even though Matt wouldn't be able to see it; Matt just smiled back.
"Next is... Newt..." Loki said and he couldn't hide that he was still surprised to see the young Brit in this meeting.
And he could immediately tell that Newt felt just as misplaced as he looked with his head ducked down, hiding behind his aurburn mess of hair and the tips of his ears were tinged pink.
Newt hesitated, but eventually he spoke up quietly. "M-my name is Newt," he mumbled mostly to himself and without lifting his gaze. "I am from London. I study to become a vet."
For moment, Loki just waited for the other man to continue, but he didn't seem to do so anytime soon, so Loki took it upon himself to make him explain more why exactly he was there.
"Thank you, Newt," he began as diplomatic as he could (he really had to put all his energy into being nice to everyone because he really needed this second chance and didn't want to be expelled). "But, you know, this is a group for the people who have some kind of special challenges, so-"
"I have some kind of special challenge," Newt said (and mostly just copied Loki's exact words and even tone; it annoyed Loki right away).
He lifted his eyebrows and had to contain an annoyed sigh; at least the guy still didn't look up to him and couldn't see how fed up he already was.
"Do you?" He asked somewhat challenging, and (luckily before he could say anything else which would have been highly inappropriate), the other man nodded ever so slightly and with his gaze downcast.
Loki's eyes narrowed on the man. As longer as this uncomfortable situation was lasting, as more did he start to believe that this guy really had something going on with him, but he just couldn't quite put the finger on it (he had never been all too good with these kind of things, which was also why he had been extremely upset when he had been assigned to do this whole group in the first place).
But no matter how long Loki stared at him, Newt just didn't lift his gaze and instead seemed to shrink further and further together into himself.
Loki's gaze wandered to Ivar as he hoped to find some answers in his face (Ivar had brought Matt and Newt after all), and, indeed, Ivar finally managed to shine some light onto the confusing situation.
"He's on the Autism spectrum," Ivar said loudly for everyone to hear, and Loki was sure that Newt was getting even brighter red under his messy fringe.
Loki himself also didn't really know how to proceed after the information he had just gotten; he suddenly felt extremely bad for his earlier doubts that Newt belonged into the group, but if he was being honest, he hardly had any idea what Autism spectrum even meant. Newt was not Rain Man, that he had figured out by now, but that was as far as his knowledge about Autism went.
He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I, er, I'm sorry, Newt. You're of course welcome in this group," he forced himself to say because it was the best he could muster.
He wasn't surprised when Newt didn't respond in any way.
Matt
"Yes, it was nice to meet you," Matt said politely and shook yet another hand that had just grabbed his before he had even realised that there was someone standing in front of him.
He felt cornered by the many people approaching him to shake his hand and say see you next time especially because he didn't feel like coming next time or even like seeing them again. (He grinned to himself as this thought crossed his mind; Foggy would have smacked him for this pun.)
It wasn't like these people hadn't been nice to him, but he just didn't like the idea of being around too many people, and especially not a group of people with disabilities.
He already felt disabled enough in his daily life; he was happy that he had two amazing able-bodied friends to spend his time with and who never gave him the feeling to be less than.
He wasn't sure if he could handle being around a group of people who constantly reminded him of his limitations for very long.
"Matt?" A very familiar voice called from where Matt assumed was the door- he had needed this; his escape from the commotion inside.
His head whipped around to where he assumed Karen was, and before he had even realised that she was approaching, she had her arm slung around his.
"How was your little meeting?" She asked in a teasing tone and it was enough for him to let out the huff of a laugh.
"Great?" He asked and tilted his head, but she immediately had gotten the message that great meant as much as It wasn't the end of the world, but I also wouldn't repeat it.
"Alright," she chuckled: "Let's get out of here then and find Foggy." She tugged gently at his arm and placed his cane into his free hand.
"Please," he sighed and followed her willingly.
"Matt," Ivar's voice called before they could leave the room, though, and Matt's head whipped around once again. Ivar, he actually liked, and the thought of meeting him again didn't make his skin crawl.
"Yes?" He asked with two lifted eyebrows. He heard Ivar scramble to his unsteady feet with slight difficulties, but he just waited patiently for his new acquaintance to come to him.
"It was nice meeting you, man," Ivar said, but from his tone Matt could tell that he felt as uncomfortable as it sounded unnatural. "I guess we'll just... you know... see each other around."
Matt huffed out the smallest laugh. "You know what?" He asked then and let go of Karen's arm for the moment being. "Why don't we hang out sometime? You know, with Foggy and-" he searched for Karen's arm again. "This is Karen. She's Foggy's and my roommate."
"Hi," Karen said and Matt just knew that she gave Ivar her most charming smile. Foggy had described this smile to him in every detail before he had called it as obnoxious as yours in a mocking tone; in reality Foggy was just sour that his two best friends endeared everyone around them from the very first second on, whereas most people thought of him as strange before getting to know him better.
"Hi," Ivar gave back and Matt could hear his own smile in his voice. "I thought you're like... his girlfriend or something..."
Karen looked at Matt and even he turned to look at her, and both shared an uncomfortable chuckle.
"No," they said at once, but Karen continued. "I'm sure he would like that, but we're not dating."
Ivar chuckled and nodded. "Alright, I'll remember that. The beautiful blonde girl is single."
"I didn't say I was single," Karen immediately gave back, but it didn't sound offended in any kind, more teasing.
"Well," Ivar gave back cockily and completely unfazed: "I just assumed because of, well, the proximity of the two of you. I can't imagine any guy would like his girlfriend to be so close to another guy and even live with him and his best friend."
Matt could feel how Karen shifted next to him, and he was sure that she had just put a strand of hair behind her ear. "Well, you might not be wrong there." She suddenly sounded a bit more insecure than Matt liked her to sound.
"So your guy is unhappy with this?" Ivar asked teasingly, but Karen just snorted, she was back to her own teasing-self.
"Yes, for sure," she gave back just as teasingly and tugged at Matt's arm to sign him to go.
Matt could feel her turn around to Ivar once again as they walked away and he did not like that.
He couldn't explain why it bothered him so much, he just knew that it did.
"How bad was it really?" Karen asked as they together walked down the hallway to the exit, but Matt only grumbled which made her chuckle. "That bad?"
He slumped his shoulder. "Actually not. Not that bad. Just, well, bad."
"What does that mean?" She asked with the snort of a laugh, which made him sigh once again.
"I... dont know... It's just... uncomfortable, you know? Like, this whole group of people comes together to just... whine about their life. This is why I've only ever used them to get access to some materials, but never attended any meetings or went to their game nights... Which aren't very inclusive, by the way. They play board games and stuff. It's not like I could participate much there."
She hummed understandingly. "But that Ivar guy... you seemed to like him. Told him to hang out, even."
Matt drew in a long breath; the last thing he wanted now was for Karen to fall for Ivar. He didn't know the guy much, and he liked him, but something told him that Ivar could become dangerous for Karen.
"No?" She asked with surprise in her voice.
"Yes," he quickly gave back. "I guess he's alright. Don't know him that well, though. He's one of the guys I met with Foggy when we got pizza earlier."
Karen stopped in her tracks and made Matt stop therefore as well as their arms were still intertwined. He looked at her with raised eyebrows.
"You got Pizza? When did that happen?" She asked in confusion.
"After signing up for Henley's class and before the meeting. Together with-" He stocked and turned completely pale all of a sudden. "Shit," he mumbled to himself, but before Karen could do as much as ask what the matter was, he had turned on his heels and pulled Karen with him.
"Wait, Matt!" Karen brought out completely perplexed. "What- what are we- where are we going?" She stuttered out as he just didn't stop, but pulled her with him right into the direction that they had just come from.
"I forgot something," he muttered: "someone."
"What does that mean?" Karen asked as she was slowly getting out of breath from stumbling after Matt. "Someone? What does that mean?"
"I've met that other guy... we came here together... and I simply forgot him when you came..." He answered absentmindedly as he tried to make his way through the building without bumping into anyone or anything (Karen wasn't a big help in the very moment).
"But-"
"Matt?" Ivar's surprised voice indicated that Matt had at least made it closer to the room he had wanted to go to again. "Did you forget something?"
Matt sighed. "Not something, someone. We've left Newt in there." He jutted his chin towards where he suspected the room to be. "We brought him here, we should at least-"
"Matt, he's alright," Ivar interrupted him, and Matt could hear him shuffle on his feet. "He's talking on the phone again, and right over, well, he's close. I was waiting for him here."
Relief washed over Matt and he nodded thankfully. "Good."
Ivar huffed out a laugh. "You're feeling completely guilty, don't you? For what? You barely even know that guy. You're not responsible for him."
"I know..." Matt sighed; he could feel Karen's and Ivar's questioning eyes bore into him. "It's just that... I know what it feels like to be... helpless, you know? Newt is new here and doesn't know his way around... besides, I'm sure Foggy would rip my head off if he knew that I let his newest protégé alone."
"Protégé?" Ivar asked somewhat amused.
It made Matt shrug. "Well, Foggy is... caring. He doesn't pity the people around him, but he always wants to make sure that everyone is alright. And he has a heart for lost cases... hence me."
"And me," Karen added, and when Ivar gave her strange looks, she shrugged as well. "I'm not little miss perfect," she simply said, and only got a surprised huff from Ivar in response.
"So he's alright?" Matt cut in as he felt this certain tension that he didn't like arise between Karen and Ivar again.
"Er, yeah..." Ivar mumbled absentmindedly and Matt didn't need more to know that he had just interrupted a moment between the two. And he did not like this.
"Who is he calling?" He asked further then (because he was not granting Ivar his moment with Karen), but the fact that Ivar wasn't answering made it pretty clear that he was occupied with something else right now.
"Ivar?" Matt asked with urgency in his voice.
"Hm?" Ivar hummed as he finally turned his attention back to Matt. "Sorry, what?"
"I asked who he was talking to," Matt repeated. "Newt, I mean."
"Dunno," Ivar muttered and it was clear that he also didn't care very much. "His brother. Or maybe his girlfriend or whatever. I'm not his babysitter."
Matt raised his eyebrows at Ivar in surprise at his sudden change of demeanour; he suddenly felt like this guy meant more trouble than he had anticipated.
"Well, I'm neither," he muttered back slightly annoyed all of a sudden. "I just care for the people around me."
Ivar hummed in response, but didn't say anything, and Matt was sure that this was as much reaction as he would get.
"Alright, I'll find him on my own then," Matt muttered again and pushed past Ivar.
Karen's arm was still intertwined with his and she stumbled after him; much to Matt's delight, she didn't stop or say anything more to Ivar.
"That guy means trouble, I just know it," Matt mumbled when he was sure that they were far enough from Ivar.
"Does he?" Karen asked.
"Yes, Karen, he does," Matt deadpanned.
"What made you change your mind about him so suddenly?" Karen asked, slightly confused now. "You seemed to like him before I-" She stopped herself from talking and groaned. "Really, Matt?"
"What?" Matt stopped in his tracks to face her.
"You're jealous? Seriously?" She sighed again. "This is ridiculous."
"I'm not jealous," Matt gave back hastily, but his poker face had never had much effect on Karen, and even the shades covering his sightless eyes did nothing to hide his true feelings.
"Yes, you are," she chuckled and tugged on his arm to make him continue to walk with her again. "But I'm telling you, there is no reason to be jealous. Not at all."
He only hummed in response, but it was clear that he wasn't believing her a single bit. "Let's just find that guy or Foggy will slaughter me."