I watched myself walk out of that door a thousand times, in my head I was already somewhere else, so as I walk out the door, I get a wave of deja vu. Regulus is watching me leave, he is letting me walk out into the night, and I barely realized I was alone until I was in the middle of london. I get a room at a muggle motel, as they give me odd looks for my large trunk that I'm carrying. That night was boring, I turned on the TV and messed around with the controls until I found something of importance. I know that my parents would blast me off of the tree the moment they realized I have left that place, I just hope that I'm far out of london by the time that they see my absence. The muggle shows are quite interesting. At the moment, I am glad for muggle studies. I don't do very well with boredom. There may be something to say about the fact that I don't like to be alone, because I seem to end up alone at the end of the day. I watch TV until I can't keep my eyes open.
I wake up before the sun is up the next morning, I am up and out of the Motel before breakfast is even being served. I decide to summon the knight bus, even though it is the worst possible way to travel, it is the fastest untracked wizard way of travel. The knight bus was luckily empty this early in the morning, but the ride was as bumpy as ever. I told them he needed to go to the Potters. They were unhappy with the distance, but seemed much happier when I pulled out more money than the average bus fare. The ride was boring, and I am now standing in front of the Potter's House, and I have no idea how James is going to react to me showing up at his place, not after what happened. I walk slowly up to the door, and feel a wave as I pass through the wards, they know I'm here, but I still knock out of politeness. The door opens to a disheveled looking Flemont Potter, like he had just been rudely awoken by an intruder at 7 in the morning. Because that is exactly what happened.
“Oh, Sirius, how nice to see you my boy.” He doesn't sound like he is happy to see me, and I come to the conclusion that James must have told them.
“I'm sorry Mr. Potter, I understand it is early, I was wondering if I could crash here for a week, just until my aunt gets back from a vacation, I can be out of your hair by then.” I tried not to stumble over my words, but the lack of good sleep was starting to seep into my voice.
“Oh, yes, yes, of course my boy, come in, come in, you can have the guest room. I would stay there until we can talk to James of course, I hope you understand.”
“Sure, Yes, yes i do,” I gave the fakest smile, I know he could tell, he just didn't care. The room is the same as it was when I visited last year, it hasn't changed at all, I am exhausted, and the moment I lay in that bed, I am asleep as soon as I close my eyes.
I dream of that night, the night that James socked me right in the nose, the night Peter wouldn't even look him in the eyes, the night that Remus called him “Just like your mother” the end of the Marauders. This dream was different though, this time, Snape was dead, James was dead, he was watching Remus being executed, and Remus was just saying over, and over, and over again that he loved him, he couldn't believe him, and that he was the true monster. And right as his head would roll on the floor, eyes wide open, I sit up in my bed with a cry at my lips. I have this exact same dream hundreds of times, every night it feels like I am there all over again. The house is quiet, but it has to be some time in the afternoon, by the way it looks outside. I decide that I should head downstairs, James must know that I'm here by now, and I really have to piss. The stairs lead right into the living room where I see James talking with his mum and dad.
“Hullo Sirius, you can come down, we won't bite.” Mrs. Potter is so kind, she has always been so kind. “ We do need to talk to Sirius, nothing too bad, James, why don't you head outside and go for a fly.” James nods his head and walks out of the room, when they hear the front door close they invite him to sit where James was just sitting. “We talked with James, and he has no issue with you staying here, however, he would like for you to know that he is not willing to talk with you.”
“I understand.” The disappointment slips into my words.
“We would also like to know why you came here, no one runs away for no reason, assuming you ran away?” Monty said.
“I, I had to, they.” I took a moment to regain my thoughts, this isn't unexpected, that's for sure, but it is odd to have to explain. “They wanted me to join the dark lord, they wanted me to leave Hogwarts and be a full time follower, and that, that was something I won't do”
“Do your parents have involvement with this man?”
“Yea, they will host his meetings, or parties at our house sometimes, I usually am forced to stay up in my room, but the night I left they invited me down to talk with some of his followers, to meet him, I tried to keep my cool, but I am really bad at that, and I lashed out at them, they, ummm, they, they crucioed me as a punishment for talking back, and as soon as they left I packed my bags and came here.” I was trying to make this all sound very matter of fact, trying not to let my emotions seep into my words. Mrs. Potter sat next to me on the couch and put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into her chest.
“I, Sirius, I'm so sorry honey, you were so brave, most people would have never left.” I can tell that she was about to cry, her voice is soft and tears begin to well up in my eyes as well. I look over to where Mr. Potter was sitting and he had left his spot. “He's not mad at you Sirius, he is mad at your family, he gets angry when he hears about these things, he went into his office to take a breather, he didn't want to scare you.” It's almost like they can read my mind, because she always knows just how to wash all of my fears away.
I spend the rest of the day on that couch, Mrs. Potter asked me a bunch of questions, and looked over me for any injuries, she is a healer, she decided to give me a potion that would help with the after effects of the Cruciatis curse. I didn't even know how much pain I was in until I was able to just sit. I saw James come in and out of the house occasionally, but I never said a word to him, and he didn't even look at me, just what he asked me to do. Mrs. and Mr. Potter asked if they should tell James why I am here. I said that It was maybe something that I should tell him when he is ready to ask, because if he doesn't care now, he probably won't want to listen. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe James wants to ask, wants to know why I am here, what I am doing in his house, but I can wait. I sent out a letter to Andy that day, in hopes that I would be able to stay with her until the school year started, I know that she will be back from visiting some friends in America, some time next week, I just hope that she will get back to me before next week, I know the Potters aren't one to complain, but I don't want to overstay my welcome. The letter has to go through a special international floo program, this is something that can take a while, so I didn't expect a reply for a while. The next week went by fast, I finished all of my summer homework, read a book, and finished a puzzle with Mrs. Potter, I made no progress with James however, he was still as avoidant as ever, but I'm okay with that. It has been a full week sense he showed up on the Potters doorstep, and there has still been no response from Andy, which could be for any reason, so I dont fret on it too much as I pack up my bags, I will find a Muggle hotel to stay in for a while while I wait for a letter from Andy, there is a town less than a mile away from the Potter's house there would be somewhere for me to stay. I pack up my bag and set it on the bed. I left a note for the Potters on the table on my way out. It's early in the morning, so I didn't expect James to be standing in the kitchen eating a piece of toast.
“Where are you going Sirius?”
“My cousin Andy's house.”
“Well, her letter arrived this morning saying that she is extending her trip in America, she won't be home for another two months Sirius.”
“Well I didn't know that, I will just find somewhere else to stay then, maybe a hotel, or my uncles, I promised your parents that I would be out of here in a week, I don't want to overstay my welcome, you guys have done enough, and I know you don't want me here so.”
“Do you think Mum and Dad will let you leave just like that, they care too much, you will be dragged back into this house kicking and screaming, they won't let you leave.”
“You don't know that.”
“What if I tell you I want you to stay, will you?”
“No.” I pick up my trunk off of the floor and walk right out of the front door, James doesn't try to stop me, I know he is lying right out of his teeth, they would let me leave, just like my parents had done. I get a small room at the Inn in town, and lay in bed for the rest of the day, no one comes for me, for the next week, no one comes for me. I make my way into London, taking the Knight bus again and getting a room at the Leaky Cauldron. I am still there when I get my letter with this year's school supplies. I stay there until I leave to go to Kings Cross. No one came for me, exactly the opposite that James said. The platform was busy with wizarding families, I almost ran directly into my parents, but I was, somehow, able to keep my head down. I grabbed an empty compartment and watched all of the families say goodbye. Just to my luck the Potters stopped right outside my train compartment as they were saying goodbye to James. They made eye contact with me, so I gave them a smile. Mr. Potter motioned for me to open up the window. As soon as James realized who was in the compartment he walked up to Remus and Peter and pulled them into the train.
“Hey Siri, how was Andys?” Oh, that makes so much sense, James didn't tell them where he was.
“Oh, Andys, ummm, she is still in America, she extended her trip,” I for some reason can't lie to them “I have just been around,”
“What do you mean, James said that Andy was back, we didn't check in because he said there was some family emergency?”
“Yea, I have no idea, but I didn't stay with Andy this summer.” Sirius almost felt bad for James, he was going to be getting a harsh letter from his parents, but I have spent the past month alone because of his lie, why did he even lie, there was no reason to. The train's whistle blew signaling that it was time to go. “Thank you for everything Mrs. Potter, truly, I owe you both a lot, if you ever need anything, I will always be around to help.”
“The same for you my boy,” The train pulled out of the station, and I relaxed into my seat, for now I have this compartment all to myself, but the train was usually completely full. About three minutes later some of the Gryphendor girls make their way into the compartment, Lily, Marlene, Mary, Pandora, who is a ravenclaw, and Dorcas the Slytherin, who I am fairly sure is dating Marlene.
“Hey Sirius, you don't mind if we sit here, do you?” Lily says.
“Not at all.”
“Why aren't you sitting with the boys?”
“We aren't really speaking right now.” The girls looked surprised at this.
“Still, I thought that yall would be over your silly fight by now.”
“Sadly no Dorcas, it seems as though my fuck up was the final straw.” The girls dont pry any more on the situation, they talk about relationships, and school, and the welcome back party that they were planning. I barely paid any attention, I looked out the window and realized how truly beautiful it is around here, how I have missed all of this beauty. The sorting ceremony was very uneventful. I decided to sit at the end of the table, away from most of the others. I was the first to the dorm, and I unpacked quickly and headed down to the common room to talk with the girls, just so I wouldn't have to face my dorm mates, not friends, dorm mates. The party started at 1 in the morning, the heads of houses always know of these parties, every house has them, they just don't care. I decided that getting drunk would be a good way to ring in the start of a new school year, in two month it will be my birthday, and I will never have to question what my future will be because I will be an adult. But tonight I'm going to get drunk, and maybe hook up with one of the seventh graders, maybe to hook up, maybe to show Remus that I can be happy without him. Definitely to hook up, Remus wouldn't care anyways. Except the next morning when I wake up with a Seventh year girl in my bed, Remus gives me an annoyed scoff while he leaves the room to go and get breakfast, I just give him a smile and a wink. I don't even know this girl's name, but he doesn't need to know that.
The first day back at Hogwarts is always a free day, to figure out schedule changes, to find your classes, to speak with your friends. It's my favorite day of the year, watching the first years run around the castle, trying to find their classes like it will be the end of the world if they don't find every single one. It is truly entertaining. I decided to sit outside by the great lake. It is a beautiful Autumn day and I'm not going to waste it. I see Regulus and his friends sitting by the lake as well, and I make eye contact with my brother. I haven't seen him since that day, and he seemed sad, he looked like a kicked puppy. Regulus suddenly stood up and began to walk over to me, telling his friends to wait behind.
“Sirius.”
“Reggie.”
“Don't call me that, we aren't five anymore,”
“Nah. I will call you whatever I want to.”
“Where did you stay this summer.” Regulus takes a seat right next to me, our shoulders are touching and I jump a little at the contact, but Reggie doesn't move.
“I was at James’s for a week, but I spent most of my time at the Leaky Cauldron.”
“James didn't let you stay.”
“He lied to his parents just so I would stay away.”
“I'm sorry Siri, for everything.” Reg puts his head on my shoulder
“You didn't do anything, why do you have to be sorry?”
“Not letting you leave earlier, for making you go to the party with me, you didn't deserve that.”
“Neither do you, that's why I went, to protect you.” We sat in silence for a minute. I could feel his friends watching us, but I don't care. “What did they do to you when I left?”
“Not much, they were angry, but I lied right through my teeth, I told them I knew nothing. They blew you off of the family tree.”
“I know, I could feel it.” I take a breath. “They didnt do anything else did they?”
“No, the rest of the summer was quiet.”
“You should come with me this summer, I will be of age, I can fight to get you out.”
“You know that would never go well, right.”
“I know, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't drag you out of that house with me.”
“You had to go,”
“I'm sorry.”
“I know.” Regulus waved his friends over, still glued to my side, I felt awkward here, unwelcomed, but that faded fast, his friends were actually pretty nice, they were quite interesting and fun to talk with. They were interesting people, and I felt welcomed with them. I spent the rest of the day with their group, I even sat at the Slytherin table, which got some angry looks from my old friends, and made me smile at their anger. When the owls came I had to keep an eye on James, looking to see if they had sent an angry letter about what he had done this summer. I watched the potter owl drop an envelope in front of him, and his confused face made me so happy. He opened the letter and read the three pages that his parents had sent. I can't believe the amount of writing that his parents had done. James’s face was priceless, he was so red, it truly made up for this shitty summer, in its odd way. The dorm room was quiet when I walked in, the boys were sitting on James’s bed, talking quietly.
“Sirius, why the fuck would you tell them, they banned me from hogsmede weekends for next month.”
“They asked, you will live.”
“Come on, I just bent the truth, you were leaving anyways, you wouldn't have stayed, even if they would have known the truth.”
“Because, Potter, no one knew where I was, not a single person, and I thought they would at least know that I wasn't at Andys, what if something happened, what if someone was hurt, what happens, I felt so alone all summer, but it was a small comfort knowing that your parents could come looking for me if they needed me. It just hurt James,”
“But nothing happened, why would you tell them!”
“I couldn't lie to them, they don't deserve to be lied to.” James was now standing by his bed, looking like he would punch me again if he got any closer.
“Do you like to make people hurt, do you enjoy that Black, are you just like your death eater family.” He pauses, a realization coming to his face. “Did they make you become one of them, is that why you ran, you can't face the fact that you JUST LIKE THEM! Show us your wrist.”
“James,” Remus warned. “Stop, this is going too far.”
“Shut up Moony, show me your wrist, I will not share a room with a death eater, if you don't show us, we will have you removed from the room,” I roll up my sleeves, showing him both of my wrists, and all he sees is scared skin, and a healing gash that was left by his mother.
“Happy. I don't know who you think I am Potter, but I would never become one of them. I almost died running away from that life, why do you think I showed up at your door, because mommy wouldn't make my favorite food, no. Because my mother, my wonder of a mother, Crucioed me until I was on the floor, she tried to kill me by slitting my wrists! I ran from a house that would have killed me.” I grab my school bag and leave the dorm, slamming the door behind me. I leave the common room, and walk down to the dungeons, hoping that I could crash with my brother for a night. He told me the password earlier that day and they said anytime, so I hope they won't mind.
They didn't. I crashed in Bartys bed, because he and Evan always share a bed, however Reg gave me the warning to knock on the door before coming in, because they are sex addicts, and don't know how to respect others. His words not mine, he also gave the boys the meanest glare while he said this, it was hilarious. I like it down here, but after an hour or so the words that James had thrown at me hit me like a brick. The way he was so quick to come to the conclusion that I would betray everything that I had ever believed in. When everyone had went to their beds, in a hope to get some sleep, I just burst into tears, I tried to throw up a silencing charm, but Reg was already over at my bed before I even picked my wand.
“What happened?” So I told him everything, that I could remember at least, Reg was so pissed, he threatened to punch James every five seconds. When I was able to get him to be less angry, he crawled into my bed and we just talked about anything. It's my favorite memory, I think. We fell asleep half curled inside of each other's arms, just glad that we had eachother. The next day classes began, and I was not thrilled, I would have no one to sit by in class, no one to partner with in potions, but when he saw James with a black eye at breakfast, he smiled at Reg. Reg had been with him all night, and morning, so someone in Gryffindor must have given him that nice shiner.
There was a look of disdain on Remus’s face, and none of them seemed to be speaking. And honestly, none of this is right, I probably should fix this, but it is a good source of entertainment, and they will figure it out on their own. Classes went about how you would expect. I sat alone for most of the classes, but when we had a double with Slytherin, someone would always make an effort to sit by me. The day was nice, but when I went up to the dorm that night, the others seemed to still be angry with each other. I fell asleep that night without muttering a word to them. The next couple weeks James seemed to have been forgiven by the others, that made me hurt a little, but I didn't say anything. I spent my time with my friends, and I helped plan the biggest party of the year. Me and Reg both learned how to play instruments when we were little, and we always wanted to start some sort of a band together. And lucky Evan and Pandora, also had grown up playing as well. So we practiced. I introduced them to the Room of Requirement and we wrote, and played a bunch, and it all came up at the Christmas party that we were planning. Evan was on drums, I was playing guitar along with Pandora, she was the lead singer, and Reg played base. It was an odd group, but it was so much fun, we would have some others sit in and watch us play. I would write music in classes, in my free time, Pandy also wrote some songs, but she had less time, as she was an academic overachiever.
When the time came around we decided on a few songs that we could use, ones that were easy, and that we had a lot of practice on. We also were going to cover some songs, like Killer Queen, Roxanne, Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy, and so many ABBA songs. Pandora wrote a song called Ceaser On a TV Screen (The last dinner party.), and Nothing Matters (also The Last Dinner Party, I love them, you should listen to them if you have a chance). One of the songs that I wrote was called I Know The End (Phoebe Bridgers), Dog Days Are Over (Florence and the Machine) , Would That I (Hozier) and Not Strong Enough (Boygenius). The first time we played I Know The End, I made Reg cry, granted the song was kind of about what we went through.
We practiced for months, familiarizing ourselves with the songs, making sure that we didnt fuck this up. The week before the party, and it was time to spread around the invitations, word invitations were better than paper, so the teachers didn't find out, but they were planning on inviting the whole school, so paper was a necessity. They made the invites and put one into every dormitory, anyone fourth year and up, they wouldn't have drunk first years, that was just a bad idea. When the day of the party came around they had the Room of Requirement make a decent size room, that would grow if needed, and a stage with all of there stuff already on stage, the room was decorated for christmas, covered in ornaments and wreaths, and even sometimes mistletoe would fall down when a couple would walk through the door, when Evan and Barty walked through, it dropped right in front of their faces, and they had an enthusiastic makeout session, everyone else who was helping make sure everything was perfect, would let out an annoyed groan every time that they would come back from the kitchens.
It was a bad idea to give them that job, because, again, they are sex addicts, or maybe they are just addicted to each other. The food and drinks were all set out on the table and were enchanted to prevent spiking of the non-alcoholic drinks, and to prevent drugging of the drinks in general. We had all kinds of food, chips of all kinds, veggie platters, chicken wings, meatballs, and sandwiches. They had gone a little overboard, maybe, but it would be worse to run out of food, they had a plethora of alcoholic drinks that they had gotten in Hogsmeade, they weren't supposed to have any alcohol, but the professors would never have to know who brought it. We had also gotten some muggle sodas, and kool aid. The party was going to start at 10, many people started filling in around 1020-1030. There was a little backstage-like area where Reggie, Pandy, Evan and I sat and waited for more people to start filling in. After 10 minutes it looks like the whole school was here, even though that's not true, it will probably be the biggest party of the year. People have begun to complain about the lack of music, so when we walked out on stage we got a lot of confused words and looks from the people here.
We started out with playing Queen, something that was well known enough, people seemed shocked, but the energy was great. I was so nervous, but when I saw people singing the songs back to us it washed all of that nerves away. We played so many songs and everyone seemed to have a good time. We were just about to get into singing our original songs when I saw Remus, James and Peter, they were by the Gryffindor girls, they all seemed to have been having a good time. The thing is, some of these songs were about them. We first sang Nothing Matters. People really like the songs, we move on to Caesar On a TV Screen, then Would That I. The one that people really liked was Not Strong Enough, I even saw some tears in people's eyes, we ended the night with I Know The End. I made eye contact with Remus the entire time that we were singing, I may have cried, when we said goodnight people were cheering for us. It was such a freeing experience. When we left the stage people were trying to get us back on stage, so we went out and sang Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy, it could never hurt to end the night with a little bit of Queen. The rest of the night was filled with partying, getting drunk, and playing games. When everyone went back to bed, me and my friends stayed to grab the leftover food and bring it down to the Slytherin dorms. There wasn't a whole bunch left, but there was a whole lot of alcohol. They may have overdone it.
“Hey, could I talk to you.” Remus had put a hand on my shoulder, it made me jump.
“Sure, what's up?”
“You guys were amazing, I didn't know you could play.”
“Thank you, I have been playing since I was a kid, but it has been a while.”
“Did you write those songs?”
“Some of them.”
“They were sad, and definitely about me.”
“Some, absolutely.”
“I miss you. I forgive you, I don't know why, but I do.”
“I- I don't deserve, I don't deserve that.”
“You do, I think you are sorry, I know you are, I may not fully trust you yet, but I forgive you.”
“Why?”
“Idk. What I do know is that you need to talk to James, he has something to say to you.”
“This isn't some sort of trick is it?”
“No, just come to the dorm tonight.” He gave me a kiss on the forehead, and left. I was blushing furiously, and the others noticed. And for the next hour they wouldn't shut up about it. I am hesitant to go to the dorm. But when I do, James gets out of his bed and walks up to him.
“Siri, I, I'm sorry, what I said was out of line, even if I was angry with you, which I'm not anymore, that was out of line. And I'm sorry, I don't want what I said to make you feel like that is how I truly see you, it isn't, I want to talk about it, you running away, I want to know the truth. I'm ready to listen now.” James looked at the floor the entire time, he didn't even want to make eye contact with me.
“James, you can look at me, I wont punch you, unlike Remus did.” Remus let out a snort at that. “I forgive you, I can't believe you didn't think I would forgive you. I'm not ready to talk about it all yet. I may be soon, just not yet. Are you all okay with me being around here, I know what I did doesn't just go away, I have a place down in the Slyitherin dorms that I could crash at if you need me gone.” I didn't think that we would be having this conversation now, but it is nice to get it out of my system.
“You can stay.” Remus said from the other side of the room. “But we have a lot we need to talk about.”
“Not tonight though, I need to shower and go to bed.” I responded
“That's fair, Pads.” Remus said.
“James?” I look at the man who stands in front of me still, he has tears in his eyes. “Can I give you a hug?” I hold out my arms as he collapses into them, this has clearly been upsetting him for a while now. The rest of the night felt nice, I felt like I was finally home. I fell asleep in a pile with Remus, James and Peter.