The first time Dorcas noticed it was in the library on a Wednesday.
She had always thought of Marlene as a happy person. Marlene usually was laughing or making some sort of joke, never being quiet but never being too loud. Even during her softer moments, there was constantly a smile plastered on the girl’s face, causing small smile lines to form by the corners of her mouth.
So yes, Dorcas had always thought of Marlene as a happy person, but she was questioning it as she looked at the small scars on her girlfriend’s wrists. She was able to count three lines before the sleeves of Marlene’s polo began. Three straight lines, all a similar distance and length. They seemed fairly old, a fade between white and pink.
Dorcas reached over and gently closed the potions textbook that Marlene was reading, causing her to look over.
“What?” Marlene asked, looking into her girlfriend’s eyes with a small smile. After a moment of silence passed with no reciprocated smile, Marlene’s began to fade. “’Cas? What is it?” Marlene’s voice had caution in it, but not fear. Marlene never seemed scared. It was something Dorcas had quickly noticed about her when they first began seeing each other.
“What’s this?” Dorcas asked, gently, while slowly tracing one of the scars on Marlene’s wrists.
Dorcas didn’t miss the way that Marlene’s eyes widened as she scrambled to pull her sleeve down. “A scar.” Marlene had said it so coldly that it took Dorcas off guard. Marlene’s jaw clenched and she stopped making eye contact. Dorcas was nearly at a loss for words. This was so unlike Marlene to act like this.
Dorcas moved the hand that had been on Marlene’s wrist into Marlene’s hand. “Do you... want to talk about it?”
There was no verbal response. Marlene shook her head. It was the first time that she had taken to a quiet response with Dorcas.
“Are you sure?”
Marlene nodded, “Maybe another time.”
Dorcas nodded, not wanting to push the subject further.
Marlene’s eyes suddenly warmed up again as a smile crept back onto her face, “This potions essay is going to be the death of me.” She whined out, opening the textbook back up. It was as if the previous conversation had never taken place at all.
“Don’t be dramatic, you’ve done harder assignments.”
“I suppose you’re right. I could use a bit of motivation to make this easier, though.” Marlene smirked at Dorcas.
“Oh, is that so?” Dorcas teased before leaning in and giving Marlene a soft kiss on the lips, fulfilling her request.
“I should get a kiss after each sentence.” Marlene spoke with mischief in her eyes.
“You’ll never get it done, then.” Marlene pouted dramatically at this, causing Dorcas to roll her eyes. “Fine. Two after each paragraph.”
Marlene grinned, quickly turning to grab her quill and start writing.
The second time Dorcas noticed it was at Hogsmeade on a Saturday.
Marlene had invited Dorcas to go get butterbeer with her and her friends, since she hadn’t properly been introduced yet.
They were all piled into a booth by the corner. Dorcas was talking about muggle books with Lily and Remus, two of Marlene’s friends who had quickly grown on Dorcas. Marlene was talking about something with Sirius and James – a gryffindor party? Mary and Peter were gossiping at the end of the booth while sipping on their butterbeers.
Because she was sitting beside Marlene, Dorcas placed her hand on her girlfriend’s thigh. She didn’t think much of the action, it was almost subconscious. However, Marlene had a very strange reaction to the gesture, quickly flinching and moving Dorcas’ hand. She even rolled her skirt down slightly to cover more of her leg.
Dorcas frowned and looked over at Marlene, who was still speaking with her friends, not even acknowledging the action.
“You okay?” Dorcas looked back over at Lily, who looked concerned about what had just happened, clearly noticing the odd exchange.
Dorcas just nodded in response before putting her attention back on Remus, “Sorry, what were you saying about Oscar Wilde?”
The conversation continued for another twenty minutes before people started to leave. It wasn’t until they were the last two left that Dorcas confronted Marlene about it.
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
Dorcas frowned at the obliviousness, “I touched your leg and you acted like I burned you.”
Marlene furrowed her eyebrows together, “Strange, I don’t remember that. I do remember you getting along well with my friends, though.” Marlene smiled, leaning her head onto Dorcas’ shoulder.
Dorcas felt herself grow frustrated at the change of subject. She looked down at Marlene’s leg, and that’s when she saw it. The same lines that she had seen that day in the library – a bit more pink, though.
Marlene must have noticed her gaze, because she yanked her skirt down farther again.
“Marlene... why do you have those scars?”
Dorcas could hear the way that Marlene’s breath hitched at the question. “Can we talk about it another time?”
Dorcas’ eyes narrowed, even though Marlene couldn’t see them right now. Did Marlene not trust her? Why? What was going on?
In the end, Dorcas agreed. She didn’t want to make Marlene uncomfortable. “Of course.”
Marlene began to scoot out of the booth, leaving two galleons on the table as Dorcas followed her out.
“Marls?”
Marlene looked back at Dorcas, a smile on her face, “Yeah?”
“Can... Can we actually talk about it at some point? I don’t want to just...”
“Mhm, whatever you’d like.” Marlene smiled at Dorcas again, but there was something different about it. Her eyes didn’t crease the same way that they usually do. Her smile wasn’t wide enough for the small dimple on her left cheek to appear. It was fake.
The crack happened in Marlene’s dorm room on a Friday evening.
Mary and Lily were out at Hogsmeade, meaning that Marlene’s room was empty, so obviously she had invited Dorcas to hang out with her.
They were snogging on Marlene’s bed, deepening the kiss with each second. Dorcas traveled her hands into Marlene’s hair, pulling slightly on her already messy blonde hair, causing a small gasp out of her mouth.
Marlene was trailing her hands all over Dorcas. Up and down her sides, in the small of her back, on her neck, hips – everywhere.
As the kiss grew in passion and they slowly moved to a horizontal position on the bed, Dorcas reached for Marlene’s hands to pin them above her head. That was the plan at least.
However, when she grabbed hold of one of her wrists, she felt a small drop of water. It was clearly abnormal, so she broke the kiss to look at what it was.
It wasn’t water.
There was a small drop of crimson running down Marlene’s arm, and a drop was now on Dorcas’ hand as well. Before there could be any protest, Dorcas rolled Marlene’s sleeve up to reveal... cuts.
There were quite a few of them, but only one in particular had seemed to open up, causing that bit of blood to interfere.
Dorcas tried to speak, but all that came out was a choked noise from her throat.
“’Sorry about that... I can-” Marlene scrambled to reach over to her bedside table, pulling out a Band-Aid.
Dorcas watched in horror as her girlfriend covered the small cut. The cut that she had made herself.
“Marls...” Dorcas finally croaked out.
Marlene looked up and met Dorcas’ eyes. That’s when Dorcas saw it. Fear. Marlene looked scared.
“It’s not what it looks like, ‘Cas. It’s fine now, anyway. We can just continue on with-” Marlene leaned forward to connect their lips, but Dorcas pulled away, standing up from the bed.
“Marlene, we need to talk about this.”
Marlene sighed, leaning her head back into the pillow, “Can we do this another-”
“No. You can’t just keep putting this off, it’s obviously a problem.”
“I don’t want to talk about this right no-”
“Stop it, Marlene. You’re being an idiot. Why won’t you talk to me about this?” Dorcas’ voice was starting to raise, she could feel herself growing angry.
“Why do you keep insisting that I talk about this?” Marlene asked, sitting up to face Dorcas, her usual smile completely vanished from her face.
“Maybe because I fucking care about you.” Dorcas spit out.
“I cut myself.” Marlene said bitterly, “There. I said it. You happy?”
Dorcas had obviously pieced that part together by now, but hearing Marlene confirm that she was aware of it was something else entirely. “Why?”
“As if I know. It just makes me... feel better?” Dorcas narrowed her eyes. “Don’t look at me like that, you’re the one making a problem out of this.”
That was what caused Dorcas to crack.
“Oh. So it’s my fault for caring about you? For not wanting you to fucking hurt yourself?!”
“I’ve been taking care of it.” Marlene said through gritted teeth, nodding towards the Band-Aids and healing gel on her bedside table.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Dorcas was practically yelling now. “Oh no, my girlfriend is carving into her wrists and thighs, but it’s completely okay because she bandages it up!” Dorcas shouted, sarcastically.
Marlene didn’t reply. She just sat there, looking down at her wrists. That’s when the first tear fell. Dorcas had never seen Marlene cry before. She had never really fought with Marlene like this before.
Dorcas took a deep breath before sitting beside Marlene on the bed. “I... I care about you, Marls. A lot.”
No response came, so Dorcas continued, “I want to help you, but I can’t do that if you don’t let me. So please just- fuck- just let me help you.”
Dorcas waited for a moment. “Okay.” Marlene croaked out. Dorcas felt relief wash over her.
“Okay?” Dorcas whispered.
“Okay.” Marlene confirmed again.
They stayed there for a while, Marlene crying softly as Dorcas held her. Somewhere between the crying and holding, they ended up under the sheets, cuddling.
As Dorcas held onto Marlene, she thought about who her girlfriend was.
She thought about how she used to view her girlfriend. Someone who was always happy, laughing, never upset or scared.
She thought about the truth. Marlene was hurting. She was struggling and she was scared to talk to Dorcas about it.
She thought about what she would do to make it better. Dorcas would be there for Marlene. She would be there to laugh with her on the good days and hold her on the bad days. She would distract her from the hurt and motivate her to stay clean – even if that motivation came in the form of kisses.
Dorcas would make it alright. Marlene would be alright. They would be alright.
Later, when Lily and Mary came back into their room, they were shocked to find two girls in the room. Instead of doing anything about it, they simply crawled into Lily’s bed. Together.