The first time James noticed it was in the library on a Wednesday.
James knew that Regulus was not a happy person. He had come from a terrible family background, and was always rather quiet. However, Regulus had friends. He had a boyfriend. And he even was starting to have a brother again – ever since he had ran away to join Sirius at the Potter’s.
So yes, James knew that Regulus was not a happy person, but he had assumed that things were at least getting better – however, he found himself questioning it as he looked at the small scars on his boyfriend’s wrists. He was able to count three lines before the sleeves of Regulus’ polo began. Three straight lines, all a similar distance and length. They seemed fairly old, a fade between white and pink.
James reached over and gently closed the potions textbook that Regulus was reading, causing him to look over.
“What?” Regulus asked, looking into his boyfriend’s eyes with his eyes narrowed. James realized that he didn’t know what he was supposed to say.
“James? What is it?” Regulus’ voice had caution in it, but not fear. Regulus never seemed scared. It was something James had quickly noticed about him when they first began seeing each other. He had assumed that Regulus was simply inured to fear due to his household.
“What’s this?” James asked, gently, while slowly tracing one of the scars on Regulus’ wrists.
James didn’t miss the way that Regulus’ eyes widened as he scrambled to pull his sleeve down. “A scar.” Regulus had said it so coldly that it took James off guard. Regulus’ jaw clenched and he stopped making eye contact. James knew his boyfriend. He knew that this meant that he had hit a wound, causing Regulus to put his walls up.
James moved the hand that had been on Regulus’ wrist into his hand instead. “Do you... want to talk about it?”
There was no verbal response. Regulus shook his head, continuing to look away with a cold gaze.
“Are you sure?”
Regulus nodded, “Not here.”
James nodded, not wanting to push the subject further.
Regulus eyes suddenly warmed up again as he opened the textbook back up, “You need to get this potions essay done.” It was as if the previous conversation had never taken place at all.
“But I don’t understand. Why can’t you just do it for me?” James whined out.
“Don’t be dramatic, you’ve done harder assignments.”
“I guess. I could use a bit of motivation to make this easier, though.” James smirked at Regulus.
“Oh, is that so?” Regulus teased before leaning in and giving James a soft kiss on the lips, fulfilling his request.
“I should get a kiss after each sentence.” James spoke with mischief in her eyes.
“You’ll never get it done, then.” James
pouted dramatically at this, causing Regulus to roll his eyes.
“Fine. Two after each paragraph.”
James grinned, quickly turning to grab his quill and start writing.
The second time James noticed it was at Hogsmeade on a Saturday.
James had invited Regulus to go get butterbeer with him and his friends, since he hadn’t properly been introduced to all of them, yet.
They were all piled into a booth by the corner. Regulus was talking about muggle books with Lily and Remus, two of James’ friends who had quickly grown on Regulus. James was talking about Snivellus with Sirius and Marlene– specifically how stupid he had looked in the results of a recent prank. Mary and Peter were gossiping at the end of the booth while sipping on their butterbeers.
Because he was sitting beside Regulus, James placed his hand in his boyfriend’s hand. He didn’t think much of the action, it was almost subconscious. However, Regulus had a very strange reaction to the gesture, quickly flinching and moving James’ hand away. He even unrolled his sleeve slightly, to cover up his wrist and a bit of his hand.
James frowned and looked over at Regulus, who was still speaking with Remus and Lily, not even acknowledging the action.
“You okay?” James looked back over at Marlene, who looked concerned about what had just happened, clearly noticing the odd exchange.
James just nodded in response before putting his attention back on Sirius and Marlene, “Sorry, what were you saying?”
The conversation continued for another twenty minutes before people started to leave. It wasn’t until they were the last two left that James confronted Regulus about it.
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
James frowned at the obliviousness, “You dropped my hand.” Regulus furrowed his eyebrows together, not seeming to remember what James was referring to. “I reached over and grabbed your hand and you acted like I burned you.”
Regulus tilted his head to the side, “Strange, I don’t remember that. I do remember actually liking your friends, though. Remus and Lily really are quite knowledgeable.”
James felt himself grow frustrated at the change of subject. He looked down at Regulus’ wrist, and that’s when He saw it. The same lines that He had seen that day in the library – a bit more pink, though. More recent.
Regulus must have noticed his gaze, because he once again yanked his sleeves down.
“Reg... why do you have those scars?”
James could hear the way that Regulus’ breath hitched at the question. “Can we talk about it another time?”
James’ eyes narrowed, even though Regulus couldn’t see them right now. Did Regulus not trust him? Why? What was going on?
In the end, James agreed. He didn’t want to make Regulus uncomfortable. “Of course.”
Regulus began to scoot out of the booth, leaving two galleons on the table as James followed him out.
“Reg?”
Regulus looked back at James, “Yes, Jamie?”
“Can... Can we actually talk about it at some point? I don’t want to just...” James trailed off, hoping Regulus would understand. It was a common occurence with Regulus – shrugging off his problems and never actually talking about them.
Regulus nodded at James and lightly smiled at him, but there was something different about it from his usual smiles. His eyes didn’t crease the same way that they usually do. His smile wasn’t wide enough for the small dimple on his left cheek to appear. It was fake.
The crack happened in Regulus’ dorm room on a Friday evening.
Barty and Evan were out at Hogsmeade, meaning that Regulus’ room was empty, so obviously he had invited James to hang out with him.
They were snogging on Regulus’ bed, deepening the kiss with each second. James traveled his hands into Regulus’ hair, pulling slightly on his already messy curls, causing a small gasp out of his mouth.
Regulus was trailing his hands all over James. Up and down his sides, in the small of his back, on his neck, hips – everywhere.
As the kiss grew in passion and they slowly moved to a horizontal position on the bed, James reached for Regulus’ hands to pin them above his head. That was the plan at least.
However, when he grabbed hold of one of his wrists, he felt a small drop of water. It was clearly abnormal, so James broke the kiss to look at what it was.
It wasn’t water.
There was a small drop of crimson running down Regulus’ arm, causing a drop to be on James’ hand as well. Before there could be any protest, James rolled Regulus’ sleeve up to reveal... cuts.
There were quite a few of them, but only one in particular had seemed to reopen somehow, causing the trail that had interfered.
James tried to speak, but all that came out was a choked noise from his throat.
Regulus didn’t say anything, instead he scrambled to reach over to his bedside table, grabbing his wand.
James watched in horror as his boyfriend cast a charm wordlessly to close the cut back up. The cut that he had made himself.
“Reg...” James finally croaked out.
Regulus looked up and met James’ eyes. That’s when James saw it. Fear. Regulus looked scared.
“It’s not what it looks like, James. It’s fine now, anyway. We can just continue on with-” Regulus leaned forward to connect their lips, but James pulled away, standing up from the bed.
“Regulus, we need to talk about this.”
Regulus sighed, leaning his head back into the pillow, “Can we do this another-”
“No. You can’t just keep putting this off, it’s obviously a problem.”
“I don’t want to talk about this right no-”
“Stop it, Regulus. You keep telling me that we’ll talk about it another time, but when?” James’ voice was starting to raise, she could feel herself growing angry.
“Why do you keep insisting that I talk about this?” Regulus asked, sitting up to face James, his face in a stone cold glare.
“Maybe because I fucking care about you.” James spit out.
“I cut myself.” Regulus said bitterly, “There. I said it. You happy?”
James had obviously pieced that part together by now, but hearing Regulus confirm that he was aware of it was something else entirely. “Why?”
“I wish I knew.” James narrowed his eyes. “Don’t look at me like that, you’re the one making a problem out of this.”
That was what caused James to crack.
“Oh. So it’s my fault for caring about you? For not wanting you to fucking hurt yourself?!”
“I’ve been taking care of it.” Regulus said through gritted teeth, nodding towards his wand and healing gel on his bedside table.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” James was practically yelling now. “Oh no, my boyfriend is carving into his wrists, but it’s completely okay because he uses magic to cover it up!” James shouted, sarcastically.
James very rarely shouted. He very rarely got angry at all.
Regulus didn’t reply. He just sat there, looking down at her wrists. That’s when the first tear fell. James has seen Regulus cry before. James has never made Regulus cry, though.
James took a deep breath before sitting beside Regulus on the bed. “I... I care about you, Reg. A lot.”
No response came, so James continued, “I want to help you, but I can’t do that if you don’t let me. So please just- fuck- just let me help you.”
James waited for a moment. “Okay.” Regulus croaked out. James felt a wave of relief wash over himself.
“Okay?” James whispered.
“Okay.” Regulus confirmed again.
They stayed there for a while, Regulus crying softly as James held him. Somewhere between the crying and holding, they ended up under the sheets, cuddling.
As James held onto Regulus, he thought about everything that had happened.
He thought about how much Regulus had gone through. He thought about what Regulus is still going through. He thought about what has gotten better. He thought about what has gotten worse.
James mostly thought about what he would do to make it better. He would be there for Regulus. He would be there to laugh with him on the good days and hold him on the bad days. He would slowly inch Regulus farther away from the hurt, and closer to the healing.
James would make it alright. Regulus would be alright. They would be alright.
Later, when Barty and Evan came back into their room, they were shocked to find two boys in the room, but they quickly got over their shock. Instead of doing anything about it, they simply crawled into Barty’s bed. (Together.)