Oh, How You Make Me Feel

Dear Diary,
I haven't journaled since 5th year, so I thought I should catch you up with my life.
Let's start with this: A lot of things have changed in the past year, and yet they’ve also stayed the same.
Just like my crush on Scorpius. I still have one- it's just that he’s my boyfriend now. WOO! Wouldn’t have guessed that, would you?!… Yeah, whatever.
Anyway, unlike the last time I checked myself in with you, we are dating, and I’m not hopelessly pining over him (what a miracle!).
Today, I’ll tell you the story of how this (somehow) came to be.

Scorpius Malfoy is my best friend.
I wouldn't have wanted anything to come between our friendship.
Trust me, I really didn't.
So that's why I hadn't told him how I'd felt since 3rd year.
How every time he smiles, I melt inside.
How every time we hug (which at the time, was a lot, since we’d finally gotten past our no hugging phase, and had been actually fucking expressing our affection, or whatever you call our friendship, to each other), I want him to hold me, and you know: all the rest of that crappy romance stuff that I hadn’t thought I’d actually wanted.
I hadn't told him any of this, because I thought if I did tell him, I’d make everything a thousand times more awkward between us.
And, like I said before, I cherished, and still do cherish, our friendship so, so much.
So, naturally, I decided on doing the most normal and natural thing I could think of in my pitiful 13-year-old mind and pushed those feelings deep, deep down until I had either forgotten what they meant or had the ability to ignore them.
That is, until this one fateful night in 5th year, where something I never would have expected happened.
(Although, to be fair, that might've been due to the fact I am absolutely terrible at picking up on things that Scorpius did before this day, like what Scorpius REALLY meant when he came back to our dorm at 3 in the morning just so he could bring me an Evening Primrose, stolen straight from Professor Longbottom's dark greenhouse.)
Which, to be fair, was a very romantic act, but I was too enraptured by Scorpius telling me about it that I didn't find it at all romantic. If anything, I saw it as a way to admire how wonderful and unique Scorpius was and is. Weird, right?
Anyway. Back to the story at hand.
Scorpius and I were in the packed Gryffindor common room for one of James’s school-famous after-match parties.
James wouldn't usually invite me, the weird, disappointment Slytherin sibling, much less Scorpius, that sibling’s nerdy Slytherin… friend, to one of these post-Quidditch parties. God forbid he be nice to his younger brother and his... ahem... friend... for once in his damn lifetime.
However, this was his last party before leaving Hogwarts and becoming an independent and working adul- Nope. Still won't accept it. James Potter? An adult? Bullshit. No way.
Anyway, he's been an adult for almost a year now, so I'll have to start accepting this fact.
So, Lily pressured- ahem, James invited us to come to the party. Totally.

Anyway, so there I was, sitting on one of the sofas in the corner of the foreign, red, brightly coloured common room, with my sibling Lily, studying my new surroundings.
In front of me was James and some random 7th year Gryffindor girl kissing in front of everyone, presumably for attention, which they indeed got. I groaned, not entirely out of cringing at my attention-seeking brother.
Why couldn't my life work like that??
WHY couldn't I just walk up to Scorpius and kiss him in front of people?
Was I being stupid?? Wait, don’t answer that.

Anyway, to my left, there was Lily, as I said, glaring at the figure of James shouting to his Quidditch teammates gleefully while Lily tried to talk to me about how they did in their final exams.
They had come out as agender that year, and I had been fully supportive. James was too, as much as a teenage jock 4 years older than them that was also their brother could've.
Even though Lily and I have completely different friend groups, are in different years, and aren't even in the same house, we’ve beaten the odds and formed a little brother-sibling bond ever since. They’re the one I confide all of my Scorpius pining to, and, in exchange, they can rant to me about how boring all of their classes are (what a nerd).
God, what I wouldn't give for a mind like theirs. They're practically Aunt Hermione 2.0.
"I swear I failed History of Magic, but Professor Binns talks so dully, you know?" Lily yelled, trying to talk over the top of the music and shouting at the party.
"Yeah," I yell back, nodding. "Don't worry, I somehow got an Exceeds Expectations on my 3rd year History of Magic exam. Maybe because their expectations were so low?" I joked, to which Lily breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank Godric. How much did you study?"
I stared at them incredulously. "You think I studied?"
Lily stared back at me, gobsmacked. I shrugged nonchalantly.
Clearly, Lily was 100% Hermione 2.0.
Just then, I felt a light tap on the shoulder. I turned around, getting bumped by people walking past the sofa to see none other than Scorpius, who had clearly no navigational skills in a party setting, (which, to be honest, is very fair of him) trying to pull a convincing smile. And failing. Badly.
“Ah, there we are,” I yelled, smiling, as I stood up. “Was wondering where you were.”
As I saw his face at less of a distance, I could visibly see the stress etched on his face, drenched with sweat and tears, and I pulled him into a hug.
"Hey, hey, hey," I said softly and placed my mouth closer to his ear.
"Do you need a break? From all of this?” I said in a normal voice, not shouting.
He nodded slowly, looking at the ground. Overstimulation was a common for Scorpius, after he got diagnosed with anxiety last year, but usually it didn’t cause him that much interference with his social life. Maybe it was the party, maybe it was the people; Scorpius and I weren’t used to parties, especially GRYFFINDOR parties, being the unpopular kids of Slytherin house (duh), but I had been to Grandma Weasley’s house for yearly Christmas parties, so I guess that counts for something. (all the Weasleys have been Gryffindors= Gryffindor party= duh)
"Ok," I said, trying to keep a calm composure, and looked back around to a concerned Lily.
"What's wrong?" they asked worriedly.
"Just a bit loud in here I think," I said, forcing a smile, but I eyed Lily knowingly. They nodded and took us, pushing through the overflowing crowd to the common room exit. As we opened the door, I realised just how dark it was outside. What was the time?! (As I found out the next day, the party lasted until at least everyone had passed out from either an overload of Firewhiskey or the pure exhaustion from one of those godforsaken parties. So, about 3 pm the next day, as it was a Friday night party.)
"I'll be sitting there if you need me," Lily pointed at where they and I had been sitting just previously. "Let me know if you feel better, Scorpius," Lily said, smiling kindly. "Take care of him," They murmured to me quietly as they re-entered the common room, letting out the loud commotion coming from inside before the portrait of the Fat Lady shut behind them.
“Do you need some time, Scorp?” I whispered, trying to not further disturb the portraits (who were already grumbling about being rudely kept awake due to the party going on in Gryffindor common room. )
Scorpius finally let out tears in a current, sobbing silently onto my shoulder.
“I didn’t want to ruin the rest of your night.” Scorpius said helplessly, pitifully.
“Scorpius, you aren’t ruining my night,” I said, and Scorpius pulled away from me and looked at me sceptically, unconvinced.
“Me and Lily weren’t actually enjoying that party, anyway,” I continued truthfully, holding Scorpius firmly by the shoulders. I try to meet his gaze, but for some reason, he refused to look at me.
“It’s just- I’m not doing too well tonight.” Scorpius sniffled, his voice thick from his sobbing.
I frowned at him. “What do you mean? How so?”
“I- I keep seeing Delphi again,” Scorpius eventually blurted out.
My eyes widened as he finally stared at me with red, teary, blotchy eyes. (Even when he’s crying, he’s still so pretty.)
“What does she do, Scorp?” I asked slowly, cautious.
The topic of last year is not a rare topic that appears in our minds; what happened that year still taints our mentalities to this day.
“She- she tortures you, Albus. She wants me to- to tell her SOMETHING, I don’t know what, but she— she uses the Cruciatus Curse on you, so many times, and you’re bleeding from it, you’re bleeding SO much- And then, she forces me to watch, as your blood pours out until the life leaves your eyes. I hate it SO much, Albus. And every time, it happens over and over again. I just- It feels like part of me dies whenever I see you in pain, and I just want you to be ok, and-“
I interrupted him by hugging him warmly. “We need to go to McGonagall’s office, now. I’ll come with you.”
Scorpius nodded and followed me, holding my hand through the darkness, through the pitch-black hallways that were now lit up by my Lumos.
We’d been to Professor McGonagall a few times this year, back when our hallucinations had started, which she herself had suggested. Whenever Scorpius, and sometimes, a bit less commonly, I, had these hallucinations, we’d gone to her for help. (Which we always got.
Minerva McGonagall is a good person.)

All the way to the griffin elevator, I couldn’t help but feel as though this, Scorpius’s current condition was my fault (which it probably was, to be fair.)
I should’ve checked in with him while we were at the party.
I should’ve known it’d be too much for Scorpius. God, it would’ve been too much for me, too, had I not had Lily to talk to.
And, most of all:
I should’ve known something was suspicious about Delphi, back when we first met her.
“Sherbet lemon,” I ordered to the stationary bird as soon as we arrived, and off it went, revolving upwards to create the stone staircase leading up to the headmistress’s office.
(Professor McGonagall had resolved to making ‘Sherbet Lemon’ the password to the office, in memory of her old friend and previous headmaster Albus Dumbledore.)
(‘Huh,’ I thought, snorting to myself, ‘What the hell was my dad thinking when he called me Albus?! Does he WANT people to imagine me as an old man? Where was my mum in the name-making, for God’s sake!?’)
I knocked on the headmistress’s office door, earning a weary “Come in!” from Professor McGonagall.
“Oh, Poppy, it’s so good to-“ She stopped as she saw the two of us, eyeing us worriedly as she fixed her hair. (As if it needed fixing in the first place.)
“Ah! Potter, Malfoy. It’s late.” McGonagall stated the obvious, her demeanour rapidly changing as she changed from teacher-teacher interaction to talking to us, the two boys in Slytherin she had become very acquainted with this year.
“We’re aware, Headmistress,” I replied to her, suddenly unsure of what to say.
The professor side of McGonagall kicked in and said, “By the looks of things, I take it Scorpius requires my abilities? Otherwise, I’d be worried for your lack of decorum, showing up in my office unwarranted.” She said, not at all unkindly.
“Yes, Professor, if you don’t mind.” I looked back at the tensed-up form of Scorpius, no doubt probably still thinking of that awful scene he depicted to me. “The hallucination’s very bad today.” I whispered.
“I can see.” She said quietly. “If you are fatigued, Potter, you may go, if you want-“
“NO!” I shouted, then looked away from the only mildly perturbed principal, embarrassed. “Sorry, I mean, I’m fine staying here.” (Wow, I was so coy.)
McGonagall nodded grimly. “Very well.”
I held Scorpius’s hand gently (such a romantic), watching as McGonagall performed the wordless hypnosis spell that she used every time we visited. Soon, Scorpius stopped trembling and went limp, however still breathing, albeit much more calmly than before.
“I’ll leave his waking to you, if you don’t mind, Mr Potter. I don’t feel very well myself.” McGonagall admitted, checking her watch on her left wrist before walking closer to me.
“Look after him.” McGonagall echoed Lily’s order. I nodded vigorously.
“I will, Professor, trust me.” I said shortly.
“I’m going to Madam Pomfrey for a checkup,” she said, addressing me in an unusually warm tone. “I’ll likely be back here by morning, so be sure to remember taking him back to the dungeons.” She walked briskly to the door, then stopped and looked back at me.
“Albus, that boy is precious. You are too.” The witch smiled, turned back around, and left without me having the chance to say goodbye, leaving me in a perplexed state of mind sitting next to my unconscious best friend.
What an evening of unexpected events.
Eventually, Scorpius woke up, after what felt like days (but in reality was likely two hours at most), the effects of the induced hypnosis slowly wearing off as Scorpius's senses went back into full gear.
"Albus... Where am I?" He asked groggily, wiping his eyes with his hand.
I hugged him tight, whispering, ”You’re safe, in McGonagall’s office. With me."
"What happened?”
"You got a bad hallucination, and I took you here, to McGonagall's office.” I shuffle uncomfortably, my mind and emotions getting the better of me.
Scorpius frowned at me, noting my cramped posture. “Al… What’s wrong?”
“I- I feel so bad for you, this is all my fault. I should’ve checked in with you, at that stupid party, and sooner-”
"Hey, hey hey," Scorpius interrupted, stroking my cheek facing so our eyes were interlocked again.
I shuddered.
For God’s sake.
Does he have any idea what he’s doing to me?
My thoughts were a rapid mess of Scorpius, Scorpius, Scorpius, and the urge to kiss him was surging through my body, much stronger a force now, and I had to pinch myself to a painful degree in my leg to settle myself.
"It's ok. We're ok. Delphi is a thing of the past. Well, so I think for now at least." He continued as his blue eyes enveloped mine as I nodded awkwardly, looking away in order to break the eye contact that was heating up my cheeks at an alarming pace.
God, I would do anything for this boy.
Scorpius, who was in fact, not ignorant to my antics, could tell something was bothering me.
"Hey, are you alright, Al?" He asked, peering at me closely.
"Me? Oh yeah, fine, just tired." I lie through my teeth, smiling absentmindedly while averting my eyes from his lips.
I swear to God, if he doesn’t kiss me in the next five minutes, I’m going to scream.
"You wanna go back to the common room?" Scorpius asked softly, trying his hardest to catch my glance.
"Yeah, maybe," I smile. "Here, I'll help you get there," I note, pointing out his impaired balance due to the hypnosis. (duh)
"Yeah, that might be helpful, actually, thanks," (duh) Scorpius said defeatedly, giving up trying to initiate eye contact with me.
I put his arm over my shoulder and walked us down to the ground floor, the noise from Gryffindor common room still audible many stories up. (In Muggle neighbourhoods, you could get fined for how loud they were being up there, but no such law exists in Hogwarts or the wizarding world. A shame, I might’ve been able to get James arrested otherwise.)
'Shit, I should've told Lily we were going back,' I think just at the beginning to the flight of stairs down to the dungeons. ‘Oh well, they’ll find out what happened by morning.’
As I silently passed the many sleeping portraits while walking down the staircase, one at the bottom of the staircase that Scorpius and I were yet unacquainted with (surprising, as most of our friends were the paintings on the walls) was awake and (for a dead person in a painting) lively as can be. At 3 in the morning.
As you'd expect, all the other paintings were glaring at her and grumbling to shut up and let them sleep, but she just giggled and kept playing with a cat who was also in the picture. As she saw us walking closer to her, she smiled sweetly.
"Hello, you two. Bit late for you to be coming back to the common room, isn't it?"
I smiled and nodded. “It’s a bit late for you, too, isn’t it, miss?” I questioned quietly.
“No rest for the wicked,’ She said gleefully. Suddenly, she looked closely at me, her eyes widening. “Wait… are you…? Are you really Slyth- never mind, forget I said anything.” She smiled sadly, partially to us, but mostly to herself.
The cat in the picture rubbed its head against her leg affectionately, and she was reminded once again of her companion, who she now picked up and pet in her hands, still smiling gaily at us on the living side of the picture frame.
“Anyway, you two should get some sleep now. We’d best be off, we need to see James. Oh, and do hurry it up, green eyes.” She looked piercingly into my eyes and smiled, my face becoming a bewildered frown.
“Alright, Reggie, let’s get going,” she said, and suddenly, the cat morphed rapidly into a fully grown human, his back still facing us two boys.
“Aw, Reggie, are you shy?” the red-haired girl teased, giggling at his antics. He turned and smiled shyly at the two of us outside of the photo, and he immediately gasped as he saw me.
“Jam-?” he was cut off by the girl kicking him in the shins, grinning awkwardly.
“Don’t mind Regulus here, he doesn’t know what he’s on about.” She said, chuckling nervously as he grimaced at the pain and shook his head.
“No, wait, Lily, even if you’re not James, who are you?” He asked me interrogatively.
“Who’s James? And are you Lily?” I asked, genuinely confused.
“Just someone we know that looks a whole lot like you,” he said quietly, eyeing us two Slytherins carefully. Suddenly, a deer entered the picture frame and, like Regulus, turned into a person who indeed looked shockingly like me, and to a greater extent, my father Harry.
“Oi Reggie, did you call my name or was I just hallucinating?” the person said in a thick British accent.
“Speak of the devil, Prongs, we were just talking about how this student looks EXACTLY like you, Jamie!” the red-haired girl, who apparently was called Lily said.
“Oh, yeah, so you do, mate,” James said slowly, squinting at my face. “What’s your name, mate?”
“Albus Severus Potter.”
The three people in the portrait gasped and then laughed hysterically.
“We really should’ve guessed that he was one of yours, Prongs,” Lily cackled.
Regulus slapped his hand on his knee laughing. “What the hell is Snape’s name doing in his?”
“What do you mean, one of yours?” I asked, bemused to this newfound humour.
“Is your old man Harry? Harry Potter?” James said, choking with laughter.
“I take it you know him.” I said disinterestedly. Who doesn’t, apparently the entire world does. The topic of my infamous father was not an interesting one to me, I was reminded every day that I was not enough like him, or not enough like James.
“Um, yes you see, me and Prongs… we kind of-“ Lily started, but James hushed her quickly, snorting with laughter.
“Yeah, so actually Harry’s Lily’s and my son.”
The hall went dead silent for a solid 30 seconds.
“Yeah, so let’s get going, huh? Reggie? Yep, let’s go. Lovely to meet you, dear, nice to know Harry’s… doing well… hehe… Bye!” Lily ran off, Regulus also quickly murmuring a farewell as he turns back into cat form and follows Lily, leaving James to talk to me and a sleeping Scorpius.
“Who's the mum...?" James, my grandfather (?) asked, before shaking his head. "Never mind, forget I asked. You boys should get some sleep, yeah? I’ve got to go follow Reg- I mean, those two. Bye!” and quickly he scampered off and out of the picture frame, leaving me with Scorpius’s dozing form to carry to the Slytherin common.
I carried Scorpius into the Slytherin common room and into the sleeping dormitories, laying him down on his dorm as I sat next to him, stroking through his hair. I knew full well how much the both of us, especially him, had suffered last year.
“Hey there,” I smile at him as he yawned, opening his eyes.
“Hi,” Scorpius smiled sleepily, his eyes closing again.
‘Good,’ I thought, ‘It’d be embarrassing if he saw how flustered I was just by looking at how pretty he is right now.’
I had long thought about me liking him so much. It was eventually going to eat me up from the inside until I confessed. Then, he would look at me in disgust- no, pity, because he’d be too nice to me to be disgusted. Then, we’d slowly drift apart and-
“Albus, are you ok?” Scorpius said. I realised he was staring, likely for some time, at my scrunched-up face.
‘Shit,’ I thought. “Uh… Yeah, why?” I said quietly, still averting my gaze from his. From the feel of it, I guessed I hadn’t convinced him, because he said:
“C’mon, Al,” Scorpius sighed. “We’re best mates.”
Ouch. Great. Friendzoning. Toootally haven’t been there before.
“Well, then, to be frank, Scorpius, I’m not ok,” I replied slowly. “But I can’t tell you why.”
“Why not?” He asked, trying to conceal his voice, full of hurt.
I hesitated, before going ahead with my plan. (And what a plan. Not.)
“Scorpius, uh… Shit, I can’t ask that, I’m sorry, I… I’m going to sleep.” I said frantically.
“Hey, hey, Al, it’s ok,” Scorpius said worriedly. He wasn’t used to me being like this, but he still tried to get me through it. “Talk me through this, ok? I’m here.”
I shook my head violently. “I can’t, Scorp, it’ll upset you.” I said, my voice quivering from nervousness.
“Al…” He pulled me into a tight hug, not knowing that this was actually making it worse. “You can tell me anything. That’s what friends are for, right?”
Oh, for fucks sake, Scorp, not again.

Oh, to hell with it.

I barely registered the fact that I said, “Scorpius, I like you,” loudly before instinctively pushing him away.
He stared at me, and it looked like he was about to try and cut in, but this was my time to shine.
“I like you, a lot more than I should.” I continue, my voice shaking from the adrenaline pulsing through my body. “I know you probably hate me now, but I just wanted to get it off my chest, because I’ve felt like this for a while now, and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and I know you’re tired right now, and you probably need some rest, but I can’t hold this in any longer. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry, Scorp. I’m so sorry.”
My whole body shakes with the overwhelming emotion of an unlikely mixture of calm and worry, the mixture turning from balanced like the yin and yang to increasingly worried as I glanced at Scorpius, who looked at me, his eyes glistening.
“Um…” Scorpius said quietly, before wrapping me in another tight hug. “Thank you for telling me. I-“ He suddenly let go, and ran back out of the Slytherin dungeons into the cold, dark halls of Hogwarts.
“Scorpius, for God’s sake, stop!” I yelled, waking up the rest of the dorm’s inhabitants, who grumbled at yelled at me. (What a surprise, two teenagers staying up past 3 on a weekend.)
I ran out of the dorms and chased after Scorpius, losing sight of him. But I knew where Scorpius was going to be; the grass fields at the Black Lake.
When I got to the grass fields, inhaling in the fresh scent of the freshly cut grass (the grass was always fresh= magic= duh), sure enough, I saw his lean figure lying on the grass, looking up at the stars. I crouched carefully up to his sprawling form and lay next to him. He shuffled a bit away, but allowed me to stay, lying next to him; a good sign.
I looked up at the constellation Scorpius, following all the stars that made it up, and I slowly reached my hand out to him. He started, hesitated, and then slowly wrapped his fingers around my wrist, holding my hand in his. I beamed, unable to stop straining my face, not able to avert my gaze from the night sky, the butterflies in my stomach were doing somersaults and backflips as we watched the stars glisten in our eyes.
“I like you too, Albus.” He whispered, looking at me brightly, the stars reflecting in his eyes. “More than you could ever know.”
I kissed him gently and quickly on the cheek, pulling away as soon as I did, looking away from him. “Sorry, I should’ve asked.” I squeaked quickly.
Scorpius straddled himself on top of me, pushing a strand of my hair back from my face, and looked at me gleefully.
“Don’t worry, Albus,” He said softly, stroking my cheek. “It was exactly what I needed.”
With that, he covered my lips to with his own full ones in a heart-quickening embrace as I reciprocated and pulled Scorpius, my best “friend”, by the waist as we continued to make out. Kissing was, and still is, the most amazing, amazing thing. Especially with the prettiest, kindest boy I’ve ever met. (duh)
When we pulled apart, even though it was dark, we both could tell our faces were red and flushed. I smiled, looking past him and back up at the stars, before looking back at him.
“Uh… do you wanna… go back to the common room?” I asked quietly, chuckling.
“Ah, right! Haha… yeah…” Scorpius said, his voice sounding abnormally high-pitched. He turned around to me again and held my face in his hands, staring at my lips. “Um…”
He shook himself out of something, and smiled, looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes.
“C’mon, we don’t want to get caught by Filch, Al,” he said knowingly, grinning at me as he got up off of me (nooo), began to walk away, and started skipping gaily back down to the dungeons (how ironic).
I looked to the sky and thanked the stars for their magic that night, before running after Scorpius again.
As we ran down the stairs to the dungeon, we frozed in place as we realised that the two men in the portrait from earlier, James (my grandfather?) and Regulus were kissing passionately in the same portrait as earlier. They broke apart and blushed fiercely.
“Oh, hi!” I said, trying and failing to supress my smile from resurfacing. “What’s going on here?”
James tried to speak, but words failed him as I watched him promptingly.
“We… we were just-“ Regulus began.
“Investigating! Just investigating. OK?” James interrupted, groaning in frustration.
“Sure…” Scorpius said slowly, smiling at me and winking. “Just like how me and Albus here were INVESTIGATING ourselves earlier.”
“Oh? I see. Have a wonderful night, boys, we’d better get going.” James smiled and put his arm around Regulus’s shoulder, walking themselves out of the frame.
“No, no, no, wait!” I said, grinning at Scorpius.
I shoved Scorpius, beaming at him. “Let’s get some sleep, it’ll be 5 AM soon.
“What!!? Oh shit… I’m going to ruin my sleep schedule!” Scorpius groaned, sighing into my shoulder, because HE CAN NOW. OH MY GOD.
Oh, to be gay.

Anyway, so life update, I guess? I’m not sure how to finish this. Scorpius better not find this, or I’ll be laughed at for weeks. By myself. For letting him find this. Ugh.