I Wanna Know What Love Is

“My teacher says I get to keep him for a whole week,” Kylie announced, her face lighting up as she held up a brightly colored critter that slithered through her fingers. Gretchen and Regina recoiled, their faces contorting in disgust as their mouths fell open. “His name is Hercules,” Kylie added proudly, her small frame beaming with joy as she juggled the tiny snake from hand to hand, its eager movements matching her excitement.

“He’s so cute!” Karen gushed, eyes wide with curiosity and awe. She’d never seen a snake so little and sweet - the big ones were pretty, but more scary than anything. Hercules seemed…harmless. 

“He’s a hypomelanistic corn snake.” Kylie sounded the word out slowly, and Karen nodded along with each syllable in concentration, muttering the word under breath a few times over. 

“Ew, whatever.” Regina turned her nose up at the animal, opening the fridge and taking out some coconut waters for her and her friends. “Take your homomelanistic monster upstairs. You better hope mom doesn’t find that thing.” She warned, the edge of her lip curling up in a sneer. 

“Regina, you can’t just say that.” Karen scolded lightly. 

“Whatever.” Regina rolled her eyes, handing both Gretchen and Karen waters. “Let’s go.”

“It was nice to meet you!” Karen waved to the tiny snake as the trio passed through the kitchen. Gretchen sped up to Karen, hiding behind her like a wall when they passed the snake. 

When they make it up to Regina’s room, Gretchen lets out a concealed shiver of fear. “I do not like snakes.” She huffed, folding one leg beneath herself and plopping down on Regina’s bed. 

“Aw, but he was so little and cute.” Karen disagreed. She slipped out of her pumps, sighing in relief - her own mothers voice of ‘beauty is pain’ rang through her ears, a momentary stone sitting in her stomach. Good ol’ mom. “Just like you, Gretch.” She added mindlessly, hands coming down to massage the soles of her feet. 

Something twisted inside Gretchen’s chest at the words; Karen was always saying stuff like that, and it hit different every time. This time, it hit just right. She fought the blush knocking at her cheeks, only offering a grateful smile in response - she was cute. Gretchen wasn’t often complimented, especially if Regina was around. 

“Hello?” A finger snapped in Gretchen’s face, and the small brunette jumped slightly in her seat. Regina looked at her expectantly, perfectly manicured eyebrow raised. “Did you stroke out, or something?” Regina rifled through her purse, pulling her phone out as it dinged with a message notification. 

“Sorry,” Gretchen shook her head, forcing her gaze towards Regina with a grimace. “What did you say?” 

“Forget it.” Regina scoffed, taking off her sweater and ignoring the text message. “We have to leave in an hour and a half. I’m getting in the shower.” Her phone vibrated three times over in her hand, and she chewed on the inside of her cheek in annoyance. She silenced it and tossed it on her bed. 

“Can we watch a movie?” Karen asked, excited eyes bright with hope. 

“I don’t care, Karen.” Regina sighed, starting to dig through her drawers for something to wear. She seemed bothered by something - frustrated, maybe? Gretchen noticed, and wanted to ask; but she knew better. Regina only talked about what she wanted, when she wanted. That was how it worked.

“Well, what should-” Gretchen began, only to be met with the slam of the bathroom door. 

The air was quiet for a moment. Gretchen blinked a few times, lip twitching, before she regained her composure. “What should we watch?” She cleared her throat, turning her attention to Karen as she breathed through her nose. 

Karen felt bad. She saw how hard Gretchen worked to gain Regina’s respect, only for Regina to constantly tear her down. If Gretchen ever asked, Karen would tell her she deserved better. “I can pick?” Karen asked. She knows she doesn’t have to; Gretchen always lets her pick. 

“Yeah of course.” Gretchen softened, and she grabbed the remote from the side table, pulling up Netflix. She already knew what to play, and the words are barely out of Karen’s mouth before Gretchen put on ‘Legally Blonde.’ It’s Karen’s favorite. Gretchen understood why; a fashion forward spade head basically running Harvard Law was a dream of Karen’s. She had a few hurdles ahead of her to get there. 

They both knew the movie by heart at this point. It was their comfort film. 

Gretchen tried to keep her attention on the screen as they both laid back against Regina’s pink and white pillows. But her focus kept drifting back to Karen - it’s not the kind of thing she would normally allow herself to notice; but there’s an ease to Karen’s presence that made everything feel more relaxed. 

“I love this movie,” Karen spoke aimlessly as Elle Woods got her heart broken. 

“Me too. It’s all about proving people wrong, you know? It’s cool.” Gretchen agreed, forcing her eyes back on the screen. 

Karen’s gaze shifted from the screen instead, looking at Gretchen with a soft expression at her words. “Yeah. I get it. Especially when people think they’ve got you all figured out.” Her voice was quiet, almost thoughtful. 

Gretchen felt a shift in the air between them. There was a certain weight to Karen’s words, a sense of vulnerability that isn’t usually there. Gretchen looked at her, meeting her eyes for a split second, but it’s enough to send a pulse of warmth though her chest. She wanted to say something, to ask Karen what she meant by that, but the moment felt fragile, and the words got caught in her throat. 

There was a vibration next to Gretchen, and Regina’s phone lit up with a message from an unknown number. That was weird. Gretchen knew everyone Regina talked to; she knew who those people talked to, and so forth. Maybe it was just a political campaign text…four times in a row. 

“She’s so hot,” Karen says this every time they watched this film, and in her opinion, Vivian got hotter each time. It took Gretchen by surprise at first, but she was used to it now, if not a little…jealous. 

But she and Vivian had a lot in common. 

Karen knew this to be true, too. 

“We should probably start getting ready,” Gretchen added after a moment, leaning over the side of the bed and taking out a small clear pour from her purse. 

“Can I do yours? Please?” Karen pleaded with innocent eyes, clasping her hands in hope. Gretchen relented without much of a fight, picking her colors from the bag and some other accessories. Karen moved closer, their knees jumping as she attempted to start the foundation. “Um, here,” She mumbled to herself, trying to maneuver herself closer to Gretchen. “Can I just…?” She repositioned herself so that eventually, she was straddling the smaller girl comfortably. “Is that okay?” She asked, her brow furrowing in concentration as she held Gretchen’s face gently in one hand. 

Gretchen nodded slowly, suddenly very aware of Karen’s body in hers, and suddenly very nervous. “Try to stay still,” Karen instructed softly, “beauty takes time.”

Your parents must have spent forever on you, Gretchen thought to herself. “Okay,” she nodded, before grimacing. “Sorry.” She tried to focus on the pattern of the bunnies on Regina’s curtains to keep herself still; she was half afraid that if she looked at Karen for too long, her brain would short circuit. 

Karen was quiet while she worked, noticing the way Gretchen’s skin pinked under her touch. Every few minutes she’d pull back to look at her work, and their eyes would meet briefly. 

“…What the hell are you guys doing?”

Regina’s voice startled the both of them, and Karen accidentally ran the mascara down Gretchen’s cheek in surprise. Karen’s mouth fell into an ‘o’ at her mistake, pulling her hands back apologetically. “I’m so sorry!” She squeaked, reaching for a make-up wipe. “You scared me, Regina.” She wiped delicately at the smudge. 

Regina looked between the two of them with a raised brow. “Aiming for number twelve, Kare?” She jabbed, only half kidding. 

Karen’s lip twitched with a reserved stoicism, and Gretchen just barely noticed. “Just doing make-up.” She replied in a cheery tone, trying to draw the attention away from Karen’s sex life. Karen was just going to stop telling Regina things if she continuously used them against her. 

Regina began to brush her wet hair, discarding the wet towel that was wrapped around her head into a laundry basket next to the closet. “You guys are so weird.” She scoffed, sitting down at her vanity as she began to part her hair. “Gretchen, I need you to DD tonight.” 

Gretchen let Karen finish applying her lip gloss before speaking out. “Isn’t it your turn, though?” She asked tentatively, holding her breath. 

“Something came up.” Was all Regina had to say, and Gretchen swallowed, nodding. 

“Okay.”

A small rock of disappointment settled into her stomach - she had been looking forward to have a few drinks with Karen; they always had fun. Regina seemed to have a special talent of ruining things ike that. 

“All done!” Karen smacked her lips together as she climbed off of Gretchen, who get up to examine her face in the mirror. “Good?” Karen asked hopefully. 

Gretchen smiled in response, nodding, “It’s perfect. Thanks, Kare.” The just visible pink glitter on her eyelids was so Karen. 

“Regina, you’re like, blowing up.” Karen snickered, the vibrating of Regina’s phone in the bed continuing. Regina just shut her eyes and sighed deeply, as if trying to keep herself calm. 

“Just leave it.” She breathed with a huff, braising one side of her head. “Some people are like, obsessed with me.” She added, looking at Karen and Gretchen carefully through the mirror, as if challenging them to question her. They remained silent, though as soon as she looked away, they shared a knowing glance. 

—-

They’re at Stacy Mash’s eighteenth birthday party two hours later. It could have been quicker, if they hadn’t spent so much time explaining to Karen that they couldn’t bring Hercules because Kylie was asleep, and it was a snake. 

“I’ll text you when I’m ready to go,” Regina said almost instantly, nodding. Gretchen has something to say but Regina disappeared into the crowd of sweating teenagers - barely recognizable among them. Karen, once beside her, was pushing her way through everyone. 

Gretchen followed, and eventually found Karen rifling through the liquor fridge for something stronger. Gretchen took a can of diet coke from the cooler on the floor with a sigh, popping it and taking a big sip. The taller girl finally pulled out a bottle of tequila and her eyes lit up, the gold party lights sparkling against the glossiness of them. “Hey, Kare.” She greeted the other with a hand to her shoulder, and Karen turned in surprise. 

“Oh hey!” She gasped happily, holding the bottle up victoriously. “Shots!” 

Gretchen held up her soda instead, grimacing. “Maybe next time. But go ahead, have one for me.” She approved over the loud music, watching the younger girl fill up a plastic cup with a bit of tequila inside. Karen threw her head back with the shot, barely phased by the taste before she poured another in honor of her best friend. 

After finishing it, Karen mixes some of Gretchen’s soda with the tequila, “Come on!” Karen grabbed Gretchen’s hand with eagerness, leading the other through the large house with a laugh. She hated school, but she loved parties. At least she didn’t have to think so hard. 

“I’m sorry about what Regina said,” Gretchen says over the music, moving a bit away from the music so that they could properly talk to each other. “About the twelve people, thing. I didn’t mean to. It just came out.” It’s a crappy excuse, but it’s a sincere apology - Karen knew Gretchen did whatever she could for Regina’s approval, and being Gretchen’s friend meant knowing the territory. Karen knew the territory. 

“It’s not your fault.” Karen shook her head absently, taking a sip from her cup. “Regina’s just jealous.” It was obvious it wasn’t the response Karen wanted to give, but it was the easiest and least controversial. “It’s okay.” Karen added, offering Gretchen a half smile, half grimace. 

But Gretchen could tell it bothered her. “Seriously, Karen. I’m sorry.” She apologized, more confident this time. 

Karen paused, taking a big sip from her cup before nodding. “Thanks.” 

It isn’t long before Karen is drunk. The loud music blasts against her ears as she stumbles around - where had Gretchen gone? Pee. She had to pee. Karen should have gone in with her, because now, left to her own devices, the girl found herself feeling suffocated and disoriented. 

Everything was so loud. Karen felt a sweat start to build up, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat as she tried to regain her composure. She was too overstimulated, she was either going to hurl or pass out - either way, she didn’t want to be around all these people. Karen forced herself through the crowd of people and into a semi empty hallway, trying to catch her breath as she leaned on a closed door. On the other side, she could clearly make out Regina’s voice. 

“…but you can’t be texting me like that when i’m with my friends!” She seemed annoyed - what else was new? 

“You’re always with your friends, Gina.” The other voice Karen was having trouble identifying - it sounded familiar, but maybe the alcohol was playing tricks on her. At least she thought it had to be. 

It sounded like Janis. 

“Should I just never text you?” The voice asked incredulously. 

“No, shut up.” Regina interjected almost too quickly, but her voice sounded - possessive? If Karen’s whole field of vision wasn’t spinning and causing intense nausea, she would have heard Regina’s, “Don’t be stupid, I love texting you.” 

But she couldn’t hold on, and Karen barreled herself through the door across the hall. 

“Kare? You okay?” Gretchen was inside, fixing her make-up. Karen kneeled in front of the bathtub. “Oh, honey. No,” Gretchen shut the door and reached for Karen’s hair, holding it up for her as Karen began to throw up. “It’s…over here, come, Mama.” She guided the other to the toilet instead, eyeing the vomit in the shower with unease. It would go down eventually, right?

“You’re okay,” Gretchen cooed, rubbing Karen’s back softly, feeling the clammy and sweaty heat coming off of her back. “Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t feel good? I wouldn’t have left you alone.” She asked gently, putting Karen’s hair up in a ponytail with the band on her wrist. 

Karen didn’t reply, just took her time until her body couldn’t purge anymore, her arm streaked with vomit as she used it to wipe her mouth. “I’m sorry,” She sputtered out, slumping back against the wall. Gretchen took her diet coke from the counter and offered it to Karen; it was all she had to get that taste out of her mouth. 

“Don’t apologize,” Gretchen shook her head, taking some toilet paper from its roll and dabbing at Karen’s arm with it. “Are you feeling better?” She asked softly, sitting down opposite her. 

Karen shrugged, head hitting the time of the wall with a light thud. “I’m drunk,” she admitted with a sigh, and Gretchen has to hold back a chuckle at the way Karen says it; like it’s an unknown fact and a complete inconvenience. 

“Yeah,” Gretchen nodded, failing. “Do you want to go back to the party?”

“No,” Karen shook her head quickly, the thought of it making her heart race. It was too much right now. “I just…it’s too loud. Too hot.” She explained, resting her chin on her knees as she looked at Gretchen. “Will you stay here with me?”

“Of course.” It wasn’t even a second thought. There’s a brief silence between them, the bass from the music just barely slipping under the door. 

“Do you think I’m a slut?” Karen asked after a beat, her voice unwavering and kind of tired. Gretchen looked at her confused, wondering where the question had come from. “Because I told you I slept with eleven people.” Karen confirmed, knowing that if Gretchen did think that, it would crush her. “It’s okay if you do. Everyone else does.” She shrugged, her voice faraway. 

“They’re wrong. It’s not true.” Gretchen shook her head, her tone gentle as she straightened up a little. People talked a lot about Karen, but they didn’t seem to know much more past her hook up history - that was no way to judge people, in Gretchen’s opinion. Considering she had no hook up history, aside from Jason. “And again - I’m really sorry I said anything.” Gretchen added, feeling guilty for her part in making Karen feel this way. “Just because somebody says something about you, doesn’t make it true.”

Karen was quiet, watching Gretchen fondly. “Sometimes accepting it is just easier than explaining the truth.” She said, and the air felt crisp with the weight of her words. Gretchen furrowed her brow in question. What was this? The usually giddy, bubbly girl who was nothing but sunshine was a dark, brooding cloud. 

“What do you mean?” Gretchen asked, her heart speeding up just a little bit, the anxiety playing with her pulse like an overly tuned piano. 

Karen picked her head up and sighed, the faint taste of tequila and coke staining her tongue in the most disgusting of flavors; rather fitting for the conversation. “In ninth grade, I made out with Conor Ficano at his house. He asked me for a blowjob, and I told him I was tired. Then he said that if I didn’t, he would tell the whole school I was a huge slut.” She explained, the faraway look back in her eyes. “So I did. And he held my head there the whole time. And he told everyone I was a slut anyway. So, I mean…”

Gretchen blinked, shaking her head. “Karen-”

“…everyone thinks I’m easy. So if I act easy,” Karen continued, her words fumbling over one another, “then we can avoid all the threats, and stuff.” She shrugged, and there’s a sadness that can’t be explained painted across her face; making herself live up to a reputation that was forced upon her. 

“Karen.” Gretchen shook her head again, feeling an awful swelling around her heart at the girls words. “Nobody should be making any kind of threats to get what they want from you. That’s just…I’m not sure what it is, but I know it’s not right.” She explained carefully, hoping Karen understood the gravity of her words. 

But Karen just continued to look at her sadly, shrugging her shoulders. “Just easier.” 

Gretchen fell quiet, unsure what she could say to make Karen understand what she was saying. Maybe this was a conversation better served sober. “You want to go home, Kare?” She asked gently, not wanting to push about such a sensitive topic. 

“I think so, yeah.” 

“Come on, honey.” Gretchen helped her up, allowing her to rest her weight on her small frame when needed as they made their way towards the front of the house. She held the door open for the drunk girl, making sure she was completely inside and buckled before she climbed into the driver's seat beside her. Once all was settled, Gretchen texted Regina that she was leaving and this was her chance for a ride. 

I’m good. See you at school. 

Despite Regina bailing, Gretchen was glad she hadn’t drank. Drunk her wouldn’t have been able to handle that conversation. 

The fifteen minute ride to Karen’s house is filled with Karen’s incoherent babbles, and Gretchen’s comforting hand in hers the entire time. Gretchen didn’t want to let go - as if something bad would happen to Karen if she did. 

It was 2 AM, and Karen’s stumble up the stairs didn't do them any favors in terms of keeping quiet. Still, the house remained unwavered as Gretchen closed the door to Karen’s bedroom, and Karen fell face first into her mattress. Grimacing, Gretchen opened up Karen’s closet and picked out some athletic shorts and a t-shirt for her to sleep in.

“Sit up, Kare. You have to get dressed.” She ushered gently, coaxing Karen into a standing position. Gretchen unzipped the back of the dress, and Karen raised her arms above her head for Gretchen. Holding back a fond smile, Gretchen instead slid the dress down her body as it was meant to be, then helped her step into the shorts. “Here,” She maneuvered the girls dark arms into the shirt and helped pull it over her head. “Good.” Gretchen mumbled, tossing Karen’s dress into the hamper. 

“Stay, please.” Karen moans softly into the air, obviously exhausted as she falls back onto the bed. “You’ll stay with me tonight, please?” She grumbled against the pillow, and Gretchen knew she couldn’t just go home and sleep. She didn’t want to leave Karen alone again. What if she got sick?

“Of course I’ll stay.” Gretchen replied back, borrowing a pair of Karen’s shorts and a shirt before slipping into bed beside her. Karen grabbed her by the waist when she felt the shifting weight in the bed, pulling Gretchen close as she nuzzles her nose in the girls soft hair. 

She still smelled a little bit like vomit, but Gretchen didn’t care.