Guilt
REGULUS BLACK
I was a kid, I didn't really understand what they meant with god, what that word really meant.
I thought I was sick, I was filthy, unworthy, I had to get clean. So I did everything they told me to do.
I screamed and cried, and praied, and begged. I bled.
I buried everything that I was, somewhere in my skull, 'cause nobody would find it, unless I'm dead.
I felt all the pain, all the yells, all the hits, all the blaming, I took it all. All to be clean. All to be forgiven. All because of faith.
I thought god didn't listen to my prayers because I was unworthy. At least, that's what they taught me.
Yet, I'm still here.
The cross in my hand painted with the dark red blood that I was covered with. My blood. Your blood.
You were my god.
I used to do all that, just because one day you told me to.
I won't forget you, mother. I won't forgive you, god. Both of you destroyed me.
I begged for forgiveness, for help, but you didn't listen to my prayers.
I watched my sister decay first, because, I still had faith.
She left.
Accused of being a demon. What they once and often called her.
But they weren't the first. Andromeda did it first. She choosed love. Happiness. A man whose her family didn't approve. She was the closest to Sirius, maybe that's why they left after.
The moment Sirius left, I had no other choice, I became the sacrifice lamb.
They told me to be proud, that it was for a great purpose, that it was my repay after they creatred me.
I believed.
Of course I did. I was a kid.
Even after I did all this, I still didn't deserve it. Still worthless.
Mother kept on saying that I was covered in dirt, that it was my fault that we were living the way we were.
Blamed me. Said she saved me and was ungrateful, said that I had to do more. To try more.
Everyone expected me to be what they wanted me to be. They were in charge of my life, I didn't have a choice. I still don't.
So, I lost faith.
The god who I was all bloodied for, didn't care about me.
Was I really worthless? Did I deserve all that? Was it my fault? Is this my punishment?
I felt the dirt under my skin, the urge to take off my skin and clean it all.
My mother came back, I could hear her footsteps getting closer. She opened my bedroom's door, her eyes looked angry, I knew she was.
— Look at you, we need to get you clean, god won't forgive you if you stay like this, especially without a punishment. You understand it, don't you?
I didn't say anything.
She aproached me, tooking me by my bloodied wrists.
We walked to the room in silence, she let go of me.
I stayed there.
— Why are you looking at me like this? You know it's my job to do this. If I don't, god will punish me for not punishing you. And you know how devoted I am to god.
And then, it all started again.
And I could only feel pain and guilty, because it wasn't god's fault. It was mine. I believed them.
The guilty was all mine.