Back at Hogwarts
Dear Mary,
I was sitting at supposed ‘high tea’ with my mother, sister, and odious near brother-in-law when I realized how much I take Hogwarts for granted. Do you ever think about how much I (and hopefully we if you’ll have some sympathy for me) take Hogwarts for granted? It’s like the magic fills up life and then it’s gone and life isn’t so empty for a while until you realize wait, it is. All I have without Hogwarts is tea and a never ending parade of Killarneyan suitors, more simple and tired and sadly stuck than the next. I miss the magic. I wish I could have that power, even when I’m not there.
Do you understand what I mean? I don’t know if this is all about magic.
(P.S. I’m mad.)
(P.P.S. It’s the summer all over again.)
At a loss,
Lily Evans
---
Dear Lily,
I’ve never had high tea before, but I have taken Hogwarts for granted. I have more than sympathy for you, something that goes even higher than that. And I know what empty feels like, but you have more than nothing without Hogwarts. I miss the magic too, but I know for a fact that you have that power, even when you’re not there. You always have that power, dear. Always.
So really, of course I understand what you mean. It’s never all about magic. I miss you too, but I know I won’t have to miss you for too much longer.
(P.S. We’re mad together.)
(P.P.S. Isn’t it all the summer?)
Hoping to find you,
Mary Macdonald
Chapter 24
Julien and the girls see Mary all the way to the gift shop, where he has promised to buy them all souvenir hats, for whatever reason. She was glad for the excuse to hide the barrier wall and the nature of her school, in an easier way.
She kissed him on the cheek and tugged the stupid cap he was wearing way down low over his eyes.
“Stay out of trouble now,” she laughed, and kissed his cheek again.
“Oh you know me! I’ll try my very hardest.” He shook off the hat and gave her a hug. She knew that he wasn’t going to mess up a thing. The triplets were in good hands.
“Bye girls!” she called happily.
They all ran up to hug her individually and then like one big dog pile, all at the same time.
“I love you all so much,” she smiled.
“Love you!” Josie shouted.
“So so much!” Jane agreed.
“To the moon and back,” Susan finalized shyly.
“We all love you dearly, to sum it up,” Julian patted each of the girls on the head affectionately and came to stand behind them like they were one big send-off.
“And I love you all even more,” Mary agreed.
Even though it hurt, sending her halfway to death, she blew one more kiss and turned on her heels out of the gift shop, stepping from one life into the next without looking back once.
***
On the train Mary heaved her trunk, laden with new little trinkets from the triplets and an address book from Julien with his flat written in alongside a note that said Write me, Macdonald. Or I’ll simply die of loneliness.
While securing her luggage, Mary was absolutely assaulted with a shove to the shoulder. She whipped around quickly to find Regulus Black and his gaggle of Slytherin’s staring her down.
“Oi, what the hell?” she demanded, her hands on her hips. They were already dressed in her robes, each and every one of them staring down her sweater and jeans like it was an affront to the institution of Hogwarts itself.
“Watch the elbows, Macdonald,” Barty Crouch Jr. sniped. He sounded an awful lot like her eight year old sisters.
“Your mate’s the one who decided he owned this corridor,” she jabbed back.
“Come on, don’t be fighting with the inlaws now!” Evan Rosier smirked. They all had an evil kind of look in their eyes, even Dorcas Meadowes, who loomed behind them like she was only waiting to pounce. That pissed her off the most of all. They should’ve been on the same bloody team, and there she was, the bitch.
“Piss off,” Mary and Regulus both said in unison, making them both look at each other like aliens.
“And watch it, mudblood.” Regulus made up for his mistake by giving her one final push to the chest, just in time for his brother to see.
“Oh bloody hell Reggie, you bloody fool, you pick her of all people!” He came thundering up to shoulder into his younger brother, scattering all of his friends like evil green and silver bowling pins.
“Come off it, Sirius. She’s the same as the rest of them.” Regulus gave her a disapproving look. “Mother and father aren’t happy with you.”
“They never are,” Sirius pretended to sigh before returning to his snarl. “Besides, it’s not your job to act as their loyal little attack dog, is it brother?”
“It is our job to be loyal.”
Sirius rolled his eyes.
“Mary, let’s go.” He motioned a little bit further down the corridor, where Marlene stood.
She was watching like it hurt to see, her eyes trained at Dorcas Meadowes’s back. The latter still hadn’t said a word in either direction. It was like Ms. Meadowes to stand stonily silent, though it pissed her off, but it wasn’t like Marlene to be so quiet. She frowned hard, for a myriad of reasons.
“Right behind you,” she agreed, storming her way through the Slytherin’s to where her friend stood.
As a parting gift, she shot a glare at Meadowes. The bitch must’ve said something awful to Marlene to make her so skittish. In return, she got an apologetic wince. What in the hell was wrong with people these days?
“Blimey, but that was fucked,” Mary remarked once they were out of earshot.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into Reggie these days, it’s like I hardly know him.” Sirius looked over his shoulder wistfully, he’d practically forgotten she was even standing there listening.
“It’s alright,” she shrugged. “Families are shit.”
“Hey, they are!” He perked up to look at her, and she laughed demurely. “How’d you know that?” he joked further.
“Sadly, I have one too,” she nodded knowingly.
“I’ve missed you, Mary.”
“Yeah, yeah you prick, I missed you too.” They bumped shoulders affectionately, like they were already old friends, and he gave her a light kiss. A nice kiss, so nice that she knew she was going to have to tell him about Julien or it would send her to an early grave.
“Let’s go join everyone else, eh?” she suggested before they could be alone for another moment.
“Let’s!” he agreed, and they strolled further down the train corridor to meet the rest.
Marlene had disappeared into a compartment by then, and they followed her inside to the sight of each and every one of their friends gathered inside like the picture of youth and happiness. She sighed to herself. Her real friends, and they scared her half to death.
Immediately, Sirius began to regale them with tales of her attack in the corridor, setting the boys into a protective frenzy. She was happy to have her story told by him, and even happier to make eye contact with Lily that was so strong it nearly knocked her over. It was very indicative of their relationship, she thought with a small smile, Sirius taking control of her while she examined the shade of green that coloured Lily Evans’ eyes.
She gave her a small smile, which was returned with a soft curve to Lily’s lips. Something inside of her fluttered, seized. She almost puked all over Sirius’s shoes. It felt more nervous than before, more nervous than when Lily’s eyes would make her feel like she’d been stabbed.
“So Mary, are you really ok?” James implored, knocking her out of her haze with both the words he spoke and his sudden grip on Lily’s thigh. “I swear on Merlin we’ll make them pay.”
“It was nothing, really. I’m fine!” She tried to protest, but her friends were already rising in uproar.
“Nonsense!” Peter shouted.
“It is an affront to us all!” James agreed.
“Here, here gentleman,” Remus smirked, lifting a cigarette artfully to his lips.
Sirius grinned widely, “See love, we’ve got you.”
He took her hand and squeezed them in next to Lily and James, leaving her leg pressed against that of her best friend. Her heart quickened in her chest.
She leaned into Lily’s ear, deciding for once to be as forward as she could, “Do you think they actually care whether I need protection or not?”
“Not in the slightest,” Lily giggled quietly.
The boys didn’t sway from their planning, but Marlene looked over at them. Mary turned away, moving closer to Lily. She could really, truly, smell her perfume now.
“Will you protect me then? I’ll need a bodyguard with better senses than the lads.”
Lily turned her head a little further, and all Mary could see was the curve of her jaw and her lips falling slightly open into a perfect smile.
“I would lay down my life,” was the solemn reply she got back.
They nearly kissed right then, in front of all of their friends, in front of both of their boyfriends. During the rest of the time, they nearly did it five times more, nearly every time they got a moment quiet enough to feel alone in the overcrowded compartment.
***
By the time they made it to Hogwarts, Mary was feverish. She was sweating, and the sweater and Gryffindor tie she was wearing didn’t help. It was freezing cold inside the castle, with drafts whipping every time she turned a new corner, but that didn’t seem to stop whatever kind of hormone was coursing through her body.
She cursed Julien for showing her the club, she cursed Lily for daring to smile in her direction. Obviously, she cursed herself most of all, and then proceeded to nearly trip over her feet after hearing Lily’s breathy laugh at a joke Marlene had just cracked.
They went to bed after a very full dinner, a feast made up of huge turkeys, an unending salad, and trifles with about fifty layers. Mary did not feel at all fulfilled.
“Could I steal the bathroom password from you, Lily?” she called suggestively from where she walked behind the other two girls. “I have a headache that can only be cured by lavender scented bubbles.”
“Oh yeah!” Lily turned around, her hair fanning around her like she was an angel sent straight from heaven. “The Headmaster told me it’s Bubblecuffer, whatever the hell that means.”
Marlene laughed purely, which no one else but Mary was supposed to do at Lily’s jokes. She glared and then nearly slapped her own face. What the hell was wrong with her?
“They’ll come up with anything these days,” Marlene shrugged.
“I’m just glad it’s easy to remember,” Mary giggled. “When the Fat Lady went on that phase of making passwords doubly strong ‘normal words’ I got locked out of the common room for three hours!”
“No wonder you have such chronic headaches now, poor thing.” Lily simpered, batting her eyelashes.
“Shall I carry you to the baths, Macdonald?” Marlene added on raspily.
“No, no, I can make it all by myself,” she shook her head and smiled. “God knows I’ve been walking by myself for long enough.”
“Life tests you everyday, it’s true,” Lily agreed.
“But you’re very brave about it!” Marlene patted her on the shoulder. “Besides!” Then, like she’d been shot with a foot long adrenaline needle, she took off on the biggest and most odd tangent she’d been on in quite a while. “I just remembered I couldn’t carry you, even if I longed to.” She took an oddly deep breath, and Mary and Lily exchanged glances. “I promised James I’d look at my equipment before practice so I actually have to go down there now, I guess.”
“Oh, well then-”
“So bye! You’ll probably be in bed when I get back so goodnight too!” She skipped away at the speed of an Olympic sprinter and they laughed quietly, like it was a secret.
“I guess I didn’t need that whole thing about the password then.” Mary looked over each shoulder before taking her hand. “You can just come with me right off the bat!”
“Come with you?” Lily questioned happily.
“To the bathroom, dear. I missed you.”
“Thank God.” Lily was the only person she knew at Hogwarts that said God, just like Mary did. She cast out the Merlin of it all for the Lord in Heaven above. Shockingly, her mother would approve.
The next part, however, she would not, “I missed you too, Mary. More than you know.”
“But I understand, believe me,” she laughed, practically bellowing with excitement.
“We can work out all the logistics later,” Lily gripped her hand tighter. “Now, take me to the baths.”
Lily’s wish was Mary’s command.
They tumbled through the halls at breakneck speed, both red and both sweating and both overflowing with something awful. The halls felt as loud as the club Julien had taken her too, her heart pounding just as hard. When her fingers slipped down to close around Lily’s wrist, an accident meant only to hold on, she knew what was wrong. She felt her pulse beating there, persistent and warm.
It felt like Julien’s had, on that night. It felt like when he’d taken her close and kissed her nicely and asked her if she was comfortable. What it didn’t feel like, however, was how she’d felt, on that night.
Now, she was beating too. She felt warm, too, like her blood was finally flowing. Most of all, she felt extremely, extremely sorry for poor Julien. The guy had treated her to some night, and this was how she repaid him? An eye for enjoying with her best friend. She knew he would laugh at that, and it made her smile.
All that was left was to be afraid, and to make sure that the door was locked when she’d finally pulled Lily into the Prefect’s bathroom.
“You said something about lavender bubbles?” Lily stood by the taps and turned them on delicately, with a soft hand.
“Lily,” Mary said seriously. She swallowed, she nearly couldn’t breath.
“Mary?” In a flash of red hair, she turned back around.
“I slept with someone. In London.” She stared at the ground, hoping for some sound to alert her to Lily’s presence. It didn’t seem as fun now, all those dreams she’d had about telling her of Julien.
Lily stood quietly, stock still, when Mary finally looked up to see. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“No, no,” Lily murmured. “I’m glad you did.”
“Glad?”
“You had to,” she told her sincerely, like it was practically gospel. “You had to. We both had to. And we did it now. So everything’s going to be alright.” Her voice came out all choppy, like how it sounded when Flitwick animated tea cozies to talk. Mary was staring at her, begging with the universe that the heat hadn’t died down inside them.
“Everything’s going to be alright?”
An electric shock went through the room when their eyes met, “Everything.”
Mary charged forward and kissed her so hard she forgot all about London, about her whole life. They twisted their arms around each other, gripping at what could be held on to. She tugged at Lily’s gray sweater, turned soft in the glowing yellow light. Still while kissing, she lifted her arms up eagerly, gratefully, and Mary slipped the sweater right over her head.
It didn’t take long for them to be laying, laying on the ground that smelled like lavender, with their ties thrown to the side, living next to their sweaters. Mary was having trouble with the buttons on Lily’s shirt, the kind of trouble that began with her practically whimpering with need and ended with Lily straddling her and removing her own shirt, letting Mary keep a firm hold on her hips.
She lost her breath when she saw her. She felt her heart quicken, and knew that this was it. More than ever before, she knew what want felt like.
Just like Julien had, Mary laid her down. She kissed her softly and touched her softer and made sure to ask if everything was alright, if she felt nice enough. Always, Lily replied with a smile and a deepened kiss, leading her hands where she wanted them to go. Mary listened when she guided. She pressed and sighed softly and told Lily that she was beautiful because she was beautiful, she was so beautiful it hurt a little.
When it happened, Mary could tell they both believed that something awful was happening. Neither of them knew what to expect when it actually felt good. The idea, that it could be enjoyed, was awful enough to ruin them. And as Lily’s breath quickened, her chest heaving as Mary touched her insistently, that was exactly what it did. She reached a moment that felt like they both may never breathe again let out a cry that echoed horribly, each gasp echoing worse and worse.
When it was over, they laid down next to each other, backs cooling against the hard tile floor. Mary looked at Lily. She had her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open, remembering.
“Did I tell you I missed you?” she murmured without meaning to.
“Something to that effect,” Lily sighed back, her voice weightless. She rolled over and draped her body, half clothed, over Mary’s own. She was warm, but not the kind that had suffocated her all night. She was warm like a blanket, warm like Mary was falling asleep.
It was hard to stand up and walk shamefully back to the dormitories, but they did it because only God knew when Marlene would be back and only God knew what would happen if she didn’t find them there.
“I’m sorry,” Mary whispered as they crept back into their room, her voice low and disappearing.
“I don’t know what keeps happening to us,” Lily murmured in return.
Mary had an idea, but she didn’t say. She kept quiet, not speaking a word, not even when Lily crept back into bed with her an hour later, and not when they both fell asleep like that. Force of painful habit.