A Night Out
Chapter 21
Mrs. Gordon handed over the triplets with a high detail of chit-chatting and life discussions. The girls flitted around her legs the entire time, happy and energetic and something that she very badly needed.
Finally, once Mrs. Gordon had gotten her fill of hearing Mary’s somewhat falsified Hogwarts stories, she let them off with a tin of rice and peas and a perfume scented hug each.
The door closed squeakily, nearly falling off its hinges, and the triplets exploded into movement.
“Mary, Mary, Mary!” Josephine giggled excitedly.
“You’re finally home!” Jane cackled.
“It’s been like ages!” Susan finished it all out.
She broke into a huge smile, “I’ve missed you so much, did you know that?”
“Of course we knew that silly! Mrs. Gordon says you’re s’posed to be smart ‘cause school is so good but they didn’t teach much,” Josie rambled on and on while the other girls listened. It was such a familiar scene she nearly broke out into tears. Some part of her never wanted to leave. She wanted to stay, forever, with her sisters.
“School doesn’t teach me what crazy triplets are gonna do, eh!” she laughed back at them and they all shrugged in unison. The triplets shared one mind, so freaky it probably should’ve been studied in some manner.
“Not at all,” Susan agreed. She always had a way of agreeing with Mary on the most confident terms that drove the other two crazy.
“Hey, hey, you don’t know what kinda classes they’ve got up there,” Jane objected while Josie nodded furiously.
“Yeah! What do you know about Mary’s school, Susie?” Josephine teased.
“A whole lot more than you!”
They broke onto the street with the ring of one of those little bells that hung over a door, spilling into the sidewalk and narrowly sidestepping a group of teenage boys that smelled like crime. With the triplets about, they didn’t wolf whistle, but smiled like they wanted to add another child into her workload or something of the sort. She frowned in their direction, and carried on listening to the girls’ conversation.
“Well, Mrs. Gordon says it’s normal to not be a able to read so good so I don’t even know what you’re talking about right now really it’s all just-”
“Girls, girls, aren’t we forgetting how happy you all are that I’m back?”
The triplets snapped to attention with matching smiles. It was somewhat creepy how much they really did look alike when anyone stuck around to think about it. Each girl had their curly hair pulled back into matching buns on top of their head and the same dimple constantly revealing itself in their cheeks. Best of all, the girls shared their eyes with her. Those soft brown eyes had passed down for generations in the family line, all across the ocean on boats from the Caribbean.
“Sorry, Mary!” Susan began.
“Yeah, sorry!” Josephine agreed.
“We get very distracted!” Jane finalized.
“All good, girls,” she smiled down at them, patting each of their little shoulders. The conversation was inane, but better than anything else in the world.
***
Back at the flat, she decided to fix them all ants on a log with the last of the celery and peanut butter. Given the amount of money she’d found in her mother’s bureau, it seemed like the last bit of produce they’d be eating for quite some time. She wondered how they’d ever even had the funds for it in the first place, but liberally applied peanut butter all the same. Hopefully the shops would be open once the partying had died down and she could snag some food for the morning. With Christmas in a couple days, this wasn’t the time to go hungry.
Worse, there was a letter waiting for her on the kitchen counter, which the twins explained had been waiting since the weekend. Bless Lily Evans, bless all the heart she had to send Mary her letters. Mary’s heart twisted in her chest and she opened to read.
Dear Mary,
I sent this advance to the muggle post so I hope that it’s reached you in good time. How is London? Freezing this time of year, I’m assuming. From what Petunia’s been telling me, I can confidently report that we’re having an uncharacteristic amount of snow in Killarney, so that should certainly be something! Another thing I know for certain is that I’m missing you dearly, and probably thinking of you at every single moment. I won’t prattle on too much in this letter because I know you’re probably enjoying time with your mum and sisters and eating all of the actual London food that Hogwarts deprives of you, but expect some long winded rants about Vernon Dursley in the future!
I hope you enjoy writing as much as I do, still.
(P.S. I’m writing this from the dorm room!)
(P.P.S. Isn’t it odd, to you I’m a million miles away and to me you’re only one bed over.)
Yours with holiday cheer and longing to see you,
Lily Evans
She set the letter aside, imagining that responding in front of the triplets or somehow letting them see her true feelings would make them cast her out, call her horrible things. She’d rather die than have that, so she set aside the twisted parts of her heart for a moment.
“Is Ma about somewhere?” she asked the triplets absentmindedly, calling from over the sound of blaring cartoons. At the same time, she dutifully placed raisins onto her already created celery-peanut butter combinations. The letter, and Lily Evans, dutifully lingered heavily on the back of her mind.
“Nah, she told us that you’d be home today before she left but didn’t say anything besides telling us all to go to Mrs. Gordon’s.”
Ann Macdonald hadn’t been happy since long before Mary’s father had left her. The twins weren’t Mary’s full siblings, though their dad wasn’t in the picture either. Ann despised her life and all of her daughters, but she despised Mary most of all, because Mary was a permanent stain on the idea Ann had built in her head that no one could ever hurt her again. See, Ann Macdonald had loved the father of her first child more than she had loved anyone else. He’d left her in a dangerous blaze, a huff of insane passion and flare and final deadening loss. Mary ended up as the unignorable and horrible result, present to the point that Ann constantly needed to be drunk. Or at least, those were the lines that Mary’s mother had used on her at certain points.
Mary loved her mother, and wound up hating herself.
“Has she been out a lot recently?” she continued her line of questioning and tried not to frown too hard.
“Loads, yeah,” Josie remarked very absentmindedly. They were just on the cusp of being too young to understand it. When their mother came home drunk it only seemed like she was sick to them, a sickness that had trouble curing itself.
“The job seems to be going really well,” Susan managed to actually turn away from the TV screen.
Their mother was working as a waitress at a twenty-four hour diner. This gig had stuck around far longer than many others, even though it still resulted in frantic letters to Hogwarts begging for money. She had long hours, or pretended to. Whatever the matter was, Mary didn’t care as long as the money was brought in. She could beg Niles for underpaid shifts at the shop all she wanted, but it wouldn’t cover up until the cigarettes could be sold.
“So things have been good then, eh?” Mary asked Susan specifically, knowing she could give the clearest answer. Jane and Josephine were giggling about the anvil shaped hole in Bugs Bunny's head, which suited them just fine.
“Pretty good,” Susan smiled at her and left the cartoons behind. She was smart in a way that Mary didn’t understand, though she tried. It reminded her of Lily some. Articulate people had a way of running rings around her whether they were her age or children.
“Will you girls be alright when I leave?” Honestly, it felt like she was asking permission from Susan more than checking up on her and they both giggled a little at that.
“Of course,” her little sister shrugged. “Mum doesn’t come home until late usually and Mrs. Gordon gives us food before she sends us home.”
“A nice lady, that Mrs. Gordon.”
“The nicest,” Susan agreed, seeming far too old.
“What do you do for dinner?” She badly needed to know what was going on for the day to day. It would help somehow with panic at look on Susans face. Mary could hardly even call her Susie anymore. She was practically grown-up, practically keeping them all afloat, and she’d missed it all.
“We eat whatever we have here, or just don’t do anything.”
“One time we tried to go to the chippy!” Josephine interrupted. “But man oh man were there a lot of people so we had Raisin Bran instead!”
“That’s the usual,” Jane agreed. She’d forgot they could hear them talk.
“Doesn’t sound too bad,” Mary smiled a little, a chip on her shoulder smile. She’d been through worse times, but the starving times shouldn’t be compared to what was happening to her sisters. They were growing up without a witness, measured in glimpses that ticked by everytime Mary came home for holidays.
“Yeah!” Josie hooted.
“Exactly!” Jane concurred.
“Not too bad at all!” Jane finalized.
Mary finished their ants on a log with a clatter of the peanut butter knife, bringing them out to the living room with Susan in tow and joining the other two triplets cross-legged on the floor. She waited far too long to get changed, caught up watching these girls that had grown up from her baby sisters.
***
The triplets were asleep in bed by the time Adanna came to her door, knocking softly. Mary made sure not to wake them as she crept through the entryway. Maybe she would take a page from her mothers book, sleep on the couch instead of waking up her sisters. She’d rather do anything but disturb them.
“Gotten time to cool off, eh Mary?” she giggled slightly.
“Very much so,” she agreed.
“How are the little girls?” They began to stroll down the hallway, each lockstepping over the expanding cracks and sneezing through falling plaster.
“The best thing in the whole city.”
“Just like we were at that age,” Adanna smiled, conjuring up years worth of memories. Summers spent running through the streets, eating greasy food and licking their fingers clean. Sometimes, she did wish to go back to then, returning to long before her life seemed to be set in stone in front of her.
“Look how things have changed!” Mary giggled.
Down a sidestreet, they were the most eligible girls in a many block radius. They looked more beautiful than what was often imaginable during dark times. Beautiful, and dressed in the very latest fashions bought out of second hand stores. Somebody was bound to want them, and they were bound to reciprocate. Things had certainly changed indeed.
“Where are you all taking me tonight? You girls seem to pull it out whenever I come back.” They walked arm and arm. Mary was pleased that it did not make her heart flutter, as it had with Lily before.
“Only the newest, most brilliant place!” she glowed with positively shining excitement.
“Something beautiful outside of Soho?” They didn’t get anything good this side of Brixton, not like other neighborhoods. After all, who had the money for a club?
As such, it was a very long walk to wherever they were going. Mary followed along happily, excited for a social scene that involved more than getting pissed and falling into a deep depression.
When night had fallen far they came upon a neon sign tucked into a side alley. She could see all the signs of a party from even a distance off. Drunk people paraded down the sidewalks, stepping and falling all over each other. Girls pretty enough to give Adanna and Mary a run for their money all walking in the same direction, towards the thumping of music and towards the sounds of happiness. All the signs of something perfect.
“Here we are!” Adanna grinned, stretching her hand out to the girls gathered beneath a decrepit awning, contradicting itself with the club.
Mary smiled. The whole thing was so perfectly metaphorical, Lily would’ve had quite the quick out of it. God, the girls had outdone themselves this time. She smiled wide, ready to forget Hogwarts, forget everything, and get exactly what she needed.
***
It did not take long for the night to become remarkable. She let herself get drunk, really shit-faced pissed, and even smoked a little while she was at it. Diane, one of the girls who had the largest penchant for losing herself, was even judging Mary at this point, and she could not find it in her heart to care. Still, it was almost as if she was winning some unspoken competition.
By far, the most boys had been looking at her. By far, she was having the best time of them all. By far, it was nice to get drunk enough to forget everything, instead of remember.
As such, she was pissed enough to believe she actually wanted the parade of men that watched them all dance. Most of the girls had boyfriends from home, whether long-term or short-lived. It was important to keep a man about, and she surely would’ve enjoyed one of her own had her situation been different. Nicely, it allowed her a pick of whomever she could possibly want.
The music was crescendoing to heights not often heard and she downed another shot, smiling and returning to the dance floor with even loser limbs. They were playing a song she liked, or thought she would begin liking. Something like I Feel Love, something that was more indulgent than real music at all. Remus and Sirius would’ve hated it hugely. She could, through her stupor, practically hear their complaints in her head, and it made her laugh to herself. All that was left was to find a boy who could appreciate his disco.
Then, just when the song was breaking into it’s peak of chorus, Mary set her eyes onto who she was looking for.
Mary flew back in time to a night of the summer. Back and back to a time when she knew even less of Lily Evans or what she felt for her. She saw a face she’d seen before, months ago. A face beautiful enough to stop her all but dead in her tracks. Jesus, but it was that boy from the club, all those months earlier. Still he hung, painted all kinds of gold, on the edge of the dance floor. The last time she’d seen him Lily Evans had not left her mind, which she still refused to do. Mary was sure absolutely immediately. This was the boy she would get it done with.
She walked up to the boy, leaning so that a kiss would be inevitable, but not the first thing he thought of.
“I recognize you,” she told him, coming straight out with it.
He smiled at her, “Oh do you? I’m sure a lot of girls recognize me.”
“I’m sure they don’t, not when you’re ‘anging around like this,” she jabbed back, watching as he bought it.
“Well then how come you remember me, eh?”
“I found you myself, last summer. How could I forget a lad who didn’t come up to me first and didn’t complain when I left without a word!” she giggled a little, and the boy's blonde curls bounced with his own laughter.
“I do remember you now!” he stood up straighter to nod at her like he was tipping his cap. “Most girls don’t run away from me.”
“Shocking news,” she remarked. The boy wouldn’t stop laughing raucously. His joy was unencumbered like James or Sirius’s was, like he had the money for that sort of thing, but his clothes didn’t look nice enough to back that all up.
“What’s your name then, mystery girl?” Mary could’ve gagged at the comment, but held off instead.
“Mary Macdonald,” she leaned over to shake his hand and he accepted gleefully, “What’s yours?”
“Julien,” he said.
“No last name?”
“Not one that suits me very well,” Julien left it at that and Mary nodded along.
He made more sense now, as she looked at him in this light. Boys without last names didn’t have any money, no matter how hard they pretended. Those blonde curls, that upstanding, French name, Julien was probably more like Mary than he usually cared to admit. She admired him for it. With such a stunning performance, she sensed it was only so easily undone because he wanted her to.
“I’m sorry for leaving you over the summer, Julien. Might’ve been a wee bit rash on my part.”
“Nah, nah, I’m a right prick without meaning to. I’m sure you did well to bugger off,” he smiled. She felt more comfortable with their shared understanding. Did he see her for what she was too?
“It wasn’t about you, actually,” she had to admit. Julien leaned in and kissed her neck like he was as drunk as she was and simply couldn’t help it.
“Boy troubles?” he mumbled while she ran her hands through the soft curls on the back of his head.
“Something like that,” she giggled as he pulled back.
“I didn’t do my job then!” his face lit up in shock. “Most girls give me a much better performance review. Problems are a thing of the past!”
The club was loud as ever, but Mary felt it was shuddering to a death standstill. Julien was staring at her, Earl Grey eyes through a haze of smoke. She knew what this moment meant. She understood that he was probably older than her, and would probably be taking her back to a flat he shared with other lads and would probably do what he wished with her. She understood that whatever safety she imagined to feel was probably not at all real.
Julien blinked, grinning. He was tilting his head like a dog, wondering what the hold up was. Mary decided to stop being cynical. Damn it all to hell, she needed him.
“Why don’t I give you a second try?” she suggested. Her gaze tilted back, considering from on high.
He smirked, shrugged, and nodded heartily, “Let’s get lost.”
She took his hand, signaled to Adanna, and followed him out the door. Just like her mother taught her, Mary said a prayer for safety and apologized to the triplets for such a late night. It would be a long time till morning.
***
Julien took her, as suspected, to a part of town that wasn’t very nice. In fact, it wasn’t very far from Mary’s flat at all.
She smiled at him, “You know, I thought you were a posh boy when we met over the summer.”
He shook his head, full of good nature, “Not even a little, eh? But it sure is nice to pretend.”
They walked hand in hand in full silence. He reminded her of Sirius in the sense that most lads didn’t put her at ease, but the two of them did. Still, he was different. Julien had none of the quiet anger that Sirius always carried with him. Whatever sadness he held, it seemed like he’d confronted all of his real demons. He walked next to Mary, not even pretending to have some control over her. She liked that he didn’t need to use her.
“You’re not like twenty five, are you?” she asked.
“Do I look that old?” he objected, making her laugh.
“No, no, I was only wondering how you live on your own.” Her thumb traced the back of his hand. Keeping with the ruse, he had the fingers of a boy who had never worked, one who maybe even went to school regularly.
“I don’t, is the answer. I’m only seventeen, you know.”
“Well then are you taking me back to a family home?” she worried incredulously.
Julien laughed, “Heavens no! I live with my older brother and his girlfriend, they take care of me.”
“So no parents?”
“No parents,” he shrugged.
“Works well for me.”
They continued to walk in amiable silence, past boys that usually would’ve liked to give Mary a hard time but withered under Julian’s presence, past the shops in their closing hours, past girls who looked at them and nodded approval. They did make a pretty couple. She took his hand, and squeezed it once they got to the doorstep of his building.
“Show me inside, sir,” she curtsied and he smiled.
“Ah, oui madame! Entrez vous!” Mary didn’t understand a lick of French, not even what she assumed was the basics that he joked with.
Julien took her up the dingy stairs and through flickering fluorescents unlike the one’s at the club only for their yellowing glow. He showed her his flat with a quick spin about the living room, passing a grease stained kitchen and sagging furniture. It was beautiful because finally, it wasn’t pretending to be anything else. A part of her felt very free, free enough to make up for the other half.
In the doorway to his bedroom, she leaned up to kiss him, softly pressing herself forward until the curls over their foreheads met.
He put his hand on her chest, groping at her with his breath caught hot in his throat, “Do you really want to do this?”
She smiled softly, her eyes turned down. Her chest heaved into his hand and she felt a surge of adrenaline, the kind that might come from raw fear. Still drunk, she thought of Lily, and that pushed her to kiss him again, like she might’ve kissed her.
“I need to,” she told him. Whatever was to happen, Mary was done protecting herself. For once, she could do the right thing.
“Alright, love,” he whispered gently, pulling her in. “Let’s do it.”
Julien lay her down on his too-small bed, and in the cold of a December midnight, that was exactly what they did.
***
She knew that would not be the end of Julien, nor did she want it to be, but she crept back into her home not thinking of him. The alcohol had worn off. She wasn’t drunk anymore, but thinking clearly. When Mary was thinking clearly, there was a person who loomed in her mind.
Scribbling by flickering kitchen lights, she replied to Lily’s letter.
Dear Lily,
This reached me right when I needed it to, as you always do. I’m sorry to hear about the snow in Killarney! The snow fall we have here is always very light and never sticks around, and I wish I could be there to see such a thing. I’m sure I miss you more, or at least that your past self didn’t know what it would feel like when we were truly away from each other. I did it with a boy I met. That thing Sirius and I could never get done, I did it and I thought of you.
I enjoy our letters more than anything else, always.
(P.S. From where I’m writing this, I can see parts of London sprawling away.)
(P.P.S. I would give anything to be closer than the next bed over from you.)
I’m sorry,
Mary Macdonald