Inside the Bathroom
Chapter 10: Inside the Bathroom
In Charms, Mary enchanted the ceiling to look like the day she first met Lily, or her first day at Hogwarts. The spell wasn’t on purpose, nor was she happy when the classroom filled with pitch black night skies and the scent of freshly fallen rain, but she couldn’t have stopped the emotions from pouring out of her even if she’d tried. Mary’s magic worked like a funnel for her heart, but there was a blockage somewhere in the system. Something inside of her was off, turned to the wrong setting. All she could think of was the first day of first year, over and over again.
She remembered that day very well. Her mother was sober for the whole morning, taking her and her sisters to Kings Cross to see Mary off. It was the first (and only) time they’d ever done it as a family. She’d cried saying goodbye, but pulled it together on the train to find her own compartment. Teary eyed, flush face, that was the first time she ever met Lily Evans. Lily had been crying too, soft sniffles disguised by the fact that she was sitting in the far corner of the compartment with her nose buried in Hogwarts, A History. Mary remembered knocking on the door and feeling so alone, like she hadn’t even expected Lily (who she didn’t know was Lily yet) to even respond. She had responded, and Mary and Lily were the fastest of friends.
Now, looking at the stormy sky she’d accidentally created, Mary looked back on that moment. She couldn’t imagine not knowing Lily now. She thought it insane that eleven year old Mary couldn’t see the kindness simply pouring from her eyes. Still, she supposed it was best that way. Had she known exactly who Lily was, that would’ve made the actual reveal that much more unfulfilling. Lily was her best friend because they were the first people to be kind to each other at Hogwarts, not because they individually were kind people. If that were the case, or the criteria for friendship, Mary doubted Lily ever would’ve liked her in the first place. She wasn’t as good as her. She didn’t deserve her company, or her kindness, but she had it now, and was committed to earning it.
All this to say, it was hard to make the night sky disappear from the ceiling. Magic didn’t work if the caster didn’t want it to, at least in Mary’s case, and she didn’t want the reversal spell to succeed. Instead, it took Flitwick and five of her classmates to make the ceiling return to its normal, inside appearance. She was given a pass to get some air, and quickly left.
***
Mary went to the covered bridge to smoke, leaning in the same spot Remus had offered to make Sirius a part of their business. It was her favorite smoke spot on the Hogwarts grounds because of how untethered it felt. She was floating over ground far below and under a characteristically gray sky. She blew puffs of smoke and felt like she could fly away on the breeze. After what she’d said in potions, she halfway wished she could fly away and never come back, too.
She wasn’t quite sure what time she was supposed to return to her regular studies. Flitwick hadn’t been exactly clear on what her task was due to the fact that he was fighting back intense anger in lieu of her apparent breakdown. It didn’t really matter the time she got back. It was hard to admit it, but Mary was fairly intelligent. At the worst, Lily could do her homework, unless she decided she would never speak to her ever again.
That made her almost vomit over the edge, just thinking about it. Mary didn’t like to apologize, to make herself prostrate at the feet of people who didn’t deserve it, but she would’ve begged for Lily’s forgiveness if she could.
The idea, however, felt impossible. She spent the rest of the hour smoking and thinking about something other than Lily Evans, which was hard. She imagined this must be what it was like to exist as James Potter. For a good ten minutes, she felt guilty for taking the poor lad's spot, up until her musings shifted to anger. If only he’d thought about Lily well enough in the first place, she wouldn’t be in this position. If only he’d had the sense to be what she purely wanted.
At what she assumed was the end of class students began to trickle around her. She assumed many of them had a free period of study and were looking for a walk, like she often would be on a different day. Mary kept her head down as they walked past, though she was probably still recognizable enough with her mass of afro. It was a bad look to be out there, smoking like she was, since the Sirius news had gone public. God knows she should’ve been thrilled.
Someone came up and placed a light hand on her shoulder, which she shrugged off immediately.
“Oi, don’t you know-” she turned, mid shriek, to find Remus standing with his arms crossed in front of him.
“Hm?” he coughed, and took the cigarette from where it was pinched between her fingers.
“Oh,” she muttered. “What are you doing here?”
It occurred to her that while no one was supposed to find her, she had chosen a location that was sort of their spot. Remus had an awful knack of turning up unannounced.
“I have a letter for you, Macdonald. If you simply must know.” He withdrew a small cream envelope from the fold of his robes with her name written plainly on the front. She recognized that handwriting anywhere, probably in the dark and possibly even if she was blind.
“Lily?” Her voice was barely escaping as she took the letter, looking to him for confirmation.
Remus smiled in the way that he always did, guarded and bitter and a little bit terrifying all at once. “Who else is so prolifically able to write excellent notes?”
Mary laughed, though she felt sick.
“Cheers mate,” she agreed.
He took a puff of the cigarette he’d stolen and stood next to her, leaning like they had before. She was still in a biting kind of mood, and snatched the smoke back from him.
“So you’re her errand boy now, eh Lupin?”
“Very clever, you got me there,” he simply shrugged his shoulders.
“Come on, why’re you doing this? Why’re you here, with me, of all places?”
He looked over at her, the scars rippling across his face in dull hues of red and brown. She knew better than to ask what they were from. The neighborhood she grew up in taught fast that other people's wounds were their own to lick. It wasn’t her job to make Remus spill his whole life story at her feet just so she could pretend to make him feel better. If he wanted to share, she would listen. If not, her own speculations on the subject were enough. There were more interesting things about his face, anyway, once you really got down to it. As he looked at her the marred corner of his upper lip set into determination and his dark eyes bled into a deeper shade of hazel. Those told a better story than any scar could conjure.
“Lily told me it was important, for her and for you, so I came.”
“That simple, isn’t it?”
“I suppose so, if that’s simple to you. Besides, I was worried about you after Charms.” He paused and deferred to the wind for a moment. “And Sirius was worried about you, too.”
“Pfft, like hell he was,” she scoffed.
“He was as worried about you as you would’ve been about him.” She thought about that sum, about all the things that Sirius had done and would continue to do for her, and wondered what Remus really knew. His face revealed nothing. He might as well have been a completely anonymous deliveryman. She decided, based on no further explanation, that she would’ve been quite worried about Sirius had he left like she had.
“Well he shouldn’t have been, really. I’m fine.”
“Sure,” he said with a chuckle. She didn’t like the way he was inching closer and closer to her personal bubbles, becoming an oddly emotional version of his formerly cold, distant, likable self. It scared her when people she knew to be one thing turned out to be multifaceted. In fact, that was probably where most of her problems surrounding people lay. “Just like I’m fine, you’re fine.”
There, among the riddles Remus spoke, she understood something. His old scars were more visible than hers, her current pain came to the surface far more often than his ever did, but they understood each other well enough.
“Well, I’ll be fine. She wants to talk! That’s something.”
“Ay, it Lily can’t ever stay mad at you, you know.”
“I’m not sure-”
“It’s true, Macdonald,” he harrumphed. Old Remus was swiftly returned to the surface. “She’d come back to you through almost anything. Don’t go shitting all over that, eh?”
“Ay,” she agreed, turning her face to where the sun was peeking it’s way between the clouds.
“So, you won’t shit on everything?”
“Never,” she said, and meant it.
“Well then, read it so I can deliver the damned response,” he demanded.
Anxiously, she stood up straight to read whatever Lily had written. She thought it would be improper to take whatever it said slouching. This was a note that demanded utmost respect.
Dear Mary,
I’m sorry for potions. In my head, I told myself I wouldn’t ever act like that around you. I feel sick to death of being afraid like that. We both know why it smelled like roses, just like we both know why my heart seizes when you call me dear or why I keep our letters as a bookmark to distract me every time I pick up a book. We both know why I’m afraid, and that’s why I can’t keep storming out like that. That's why even if I pretend it, I can’t bear to lose you.
I thought I should follow our formula, which I adore, while I ask you this: Meet me in the prefect’s bathroom once curfew is up, please? However long you want, I’ll wait there all night.
(P.S. I’m sorry about Remus, in advance.)
(P.S.S. He wants the best, but has an odd way of showing it.)
Yours, with a password of “squeaky clean”,
Lily Evans
Remus supplied a quill, from where she did not know.
“Write, Macdonald.”
And write she did,
Dear Lily,
Don’t ever be sorry, please. Any time, any place, I would meet you.
(P.S. Remus is a prick.)
(P.S.S. A staggeringly kind prick.)
Only yours,
Mary Macdonald
“Done.” She handed him the note and grabbed for the cigarette, which he wouldn’t give back. “Run along now, errand boy.”
“Always a pleasure,” he smiled, turned on his heels, and stalked away with the note and the stolen cigarette. He strode passed the rest of their peers on the bridge like they hadn’t been going on talking about what they had been for the past ten minutes, his robes billowing behind him with moody ease. She thought lightly, the note passing in between her hands, that maybe Remus really was a friend.
***
She ate dinner with Marlene, listening to her prattle on about the upcoming Quidditch game set for just a couple more weeks. There was nothing on her mind besides Lily. Nothing could break that concentration, not even when they served her favorite dessert, nor when Marlene offered her a late night studying session. She talked her down in circles. It was easy to agree with Marlene’s Quidditch points in exchange for space on more touchy points. In the end, she bargained for an early goodnight. They had classes the next day, anyway. It would be pointless to stay up all night studying for no good reason, no matter what Marlene wanted to chat about.
Mary felt awful to say it, but she had much better things to be doing.
They walked back to the common room with Peter and Remus (Sirius and James being off doing whatever those two did) with an hour before it was lights out, having spent dinner socializing much more than their hearts content. She marveled at it in the back seat of her body, how many people she knew who she did not care at all about.
Still, the walk back was nice. Peter told them a terrific story about his sister accidentally transfiguring their mother’s prized china into Guinea pigs and she felt herself laughing. Cynically, she didn’t believe that to be proper. She had to wait to be happy until Lily told her it was right to be.
So, Mary somberly got ready for bed, taking good care to waste all the time until they were supposed to be locked away in the dormitories. She put on her nice pyjamas and examined herself in the mirror. Though it didn’t usually, it took her a long time to decide that she was beautiful enough. She knew it was a somewhat undeniable fact, but it felt hard to accept.
She stepped out of the bathroom to address Marlene.
“Do you ever wish you could change everything about yourself?” she wondered.
“Yes, but not as much as when I was young. Why?” It nearly concerned her how quickly Marlene answered the question, like her answer was stored up there.
“I dunno,” she shrugged. It was concerning, but not enough to question. “Sometimes I think about it at night, I guess.”
“Ah, yeah.”
They both held in silence for a long while, Mary standing in the middle of the room and Marlene perched boyishly on the edge of her bed.
“Do you know where Lily is?” Marlene finally asked.
“Nah, I haven’t gotten any word,” Mary lied. “She left potions sick, I suppose. Something about the amortentia making her allergic.”
“Well that’s absolute shite, isn’t it?”
“Too true.”
They weren’t talking like they usually did. Mary had far too much on her mind, but not enough to distract herself from the persistent awkwardness of Marlene’s continued conversation.
“I guess it’s just us then.”
“It sure is, a proper sleepover!” She tried her very best to seem excited. It wouldn’t be a proper sleepover for very long, but she felt bad enough to at least pretend.
They slipped their way under their individual covers. Mary prepared her slew of silencing and sneaking charms while Marlene clicked off their lights with a wave of their wand. Darkness fell over the dormitory, moonlight only breaking in through tiny slits of stone windows.
She heard the whisper of something from across the room, so quiet she barely heard anything.
“Are you alright, Mary?”
It was by far past time for her to leave. All she needed to do now was wait for the steady sound of sleeping breath.
She gave the easy answer, “Yeah, are you?”
“Ah, yes.”
“Goodnight then, Marlene.”
“Goodnight, Mary.”
That night, Mary would not catch a hint of sleep.
***
The Hogwarts corridors turned into a silent minefield at night. It felt like Filch waited in every corner, ready to be tipped off by trick steps, arsehole portraits, or his hideously awful cat. Mary cut through the halls with ease. The boys were so dramatic about their escapades of pranks. It was far more simple than they chalked it up to me. Move quietly, quickly, and have one destination in mind. She could sneak almost anywhere without being found.
Besides, the prefect bathroom was only a short turn from the Gryffindor common room. She made quick work of the distance and was upon the door in a second.
“Squeaky clean,” she declared, and the door hinged open for her like a piece clicking into place.
It was hazy inside of the bathroom, a thick purplish pink cloud floated in the air and enveloped her as soon as the door was shut. Mary could hear something softly bubbling off to her right and could barely make out toilets along the left hand wall. Deeper still, she felt Lily on a compass guided instinct. She knew where she would be almost without seeing. For a summer of reading her words and imagining them crystally in her head, she imagined that she knew her mind. She knew where to look as much as she knew exactly where to find her.
Through the hot haze, she saw Lily before Lily saw her. She was sitting with her legs dipped in a bathtub the size of a swimming pool, her skirt rolled up around her knees. Her hair was already damp from the fog, and as it soaked it began to fall into gentle ringlets along her shoulder and neck.
“I made it, dear,” she spoke.
Lily looked back, her green eyes cutting through every color they could see.
“This whole time I’ve been worried you wouldn’t ever come, you know.”
“Pick a better time, maybe I’ll show up sooner.” She smiled, despite herself, and Lily was smiling too.
“Next time, how about that?”
For a moment, they looked at each other. They were always wondering the same questions. Next time was always in the air, the letters could never be completely real or not real. Somebody had to decide, eventually.
For once, she thought she could be brave.
“Sounds perfect,” she smiled, took a deep breath, and stripped off her pyjama bottoms, slipping her bare legs into the water right next to Lily’s.
“The water’s nice, eh?” Lily was staring straight at the tiles between them, but she nodded her agreement.
“Come on,” Mary grabbed her hand and tugged. It felt almost like old times. She might as well have been begging them to go talk to a pack of lads that Lily wanted nothing to do with. Just like then, she knew that Lily would always agree, eventually.
“I don’t know if this is smart-”
But Mary was already shedding her top. Even if Lily wouldn’t swim, she certainly was going to take a dip. She stood up, letting herself stretch out above her best friend. She felt Lily watching, or trying no to. Her heart was seizing in off-beat rhythms, fighting to free itself from the confines of her chest. Taking one deep breath, she dove into the water, breaking the surface plane and crossing into a space of silence.
It didn’t matter whether she was lovely or not. It didn’t matter if her hair was ruined or if she was being so fully seen. This time, she knew how beautiful she was. She felt it as she kicked to the air, Lily would be there to greet her.
Of course, Mary was right. She popped back into the world and was met with loud splashing noises. Bubbles began to pour into the tub with them while Lily surfaced next to her.
Immediately, they dissolved into fits of laughter. Lily roared a wave across the surface of the pool, Mary countered with an ultimate splash. Their legs touched underwater while their hands played at the surface. There were few things left of theirs to connect.
“Follow me,” Mary implored. They dove back into the foam, weaving through the technicolor water until they reached the shallow end on the far end of the room.
There, Lily could lean against the edge of the pool. She gathered bubbles around herself, piling them high enough to disguise her body. Mary swam closer to her, possibly too close, but she couldn’t stop herself. Everything orchestrated, like something powerful and horrible was pulling all the strings.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Lily said, sinking deeper into the water.
“I know, I’m sorry.” Sheepishly, she floated on her back, watching the ceiling appear to spin above them.
“I’m glad it did, though. I never meant it to, but I wanted it to, do you understand?”
Of course, she did.
“Like the letters.”
“Exactly,” Lily paused. She waded Mary closer to her, making her sit up. “Like the letters, but better. You’re really here, see? You’re right in front of me.”
“I guess that’s the scary part,” Mary mused.
“The most horrible, and the best,” Lily replied mournfully.
“We aren’t very good at figuring this out, eh?”
“Not at all.” That made them both laugh.
They were closer than anything that felt real. They were as close as their heads had been all summer long, except, just like Lily had said, it was real, it was right in front of them. Instead of a concept to be thought of, an idea to toy with in their heads, it was the situation they were living in, together.
“Do we have to be good? At this or at anything, really,” she whispered.
Lily’s lips were so close she could practically feel them burning. Neither of them had done it on purpose. Something else was pushing them, a gun to their backs. She wasn’t complaining. It was perfectly plausible deniability in her own mind. She could have it and give it up.
“No,” Lily decided. She was backed up against the bath wall. There was no more room to give. “I don’t think we do.”
That was it, in terms of anything stopping them. Lily was kissing her in less than seconds, Mary’s hands were on her hips faster than either of them had even closer their eyes. She was feeling skin that wasted no time tempting her. They both dug in, fighting each other as Mary’s tongue slipped into her mouth for a long moment of show and tell. It couldn’t have been helped, really. She was sure, above all else, that this was what she needed to get out of her system. She knew for certain that she’d been dreaming of it all summer, picturing this moment when she would think of Lily’s hands producing her tidy scrawl.
“How can you do this?” Lily put one finger to her lips lightly when she gasped for air.
“Huh?” Was all Mary could muster in response.
“You want me like this?”
She didn’t even know what to say to that. She didn’t know how to capture it into one sentence.
“Jesus, I do.” Lily folded her wrists behind Mary’s neck, linking them together like a necklace chain.
They nearly started kissing again, but she wasn’t through yet.
“You are so beautiful, dear. So beautiful, I’m not sure you understand it.”
“Oh,” Lily mumbled. “Should we sto-”
She cut herself off, really. It was an utterly useless proposal. Mary felt a kind of hunger that she couldn’t turn off, not like how girls were supposed to. It was impossible to be as perfectly empty as she’d been before. She felt Lily’s soaking hair under her hands, felt her lips and her long legs and her soft hips. She felt everything and wanted only to keep feeling.
They didn’t stop, not for a long time. They floated from the shallow end back to deep, kissing at every moment. They whispered things both of them pretended to forget. No part of it could be considered real, not when the morning came.
As darkness began to leach out of the sky, Mary helped Lily gather her clothes before finding her own. She dried them both off using some spell and helped her get dressed, touching the places she was sure to feel a pulse. The air was clearer, now. The haze that had been there when she’d first entered the baths had disappeared into only a dusty glow. After what had happened, neither of them had a word to say. That didn’t have to be a bad thing, she thought.
See, they kissed one last time at the door. Lily pulled Mary in yet again by the collar of her shirt, and she knew that was enough. They’d both felt it, hadn’t they? They’d both been there, and that couldn’t be erased.
Hand in hand, they snuck into the dormitories for Mary to change into her uniform, slowly building their guard back up before heading to a far too early breakfast.
Things were as they always were, though she knew it wasn’t true. They talked like best friends did. They talked as if they were any normal girl. She felt strength settle into her core. For longer than a night, she could do this, couldn’t she?
It would be easy enough to know that while she didn’t show it, some part of Lily was hers alone.
Easy enough, that is, if it could be true.
By the end of that day, not twenty four hours since she had taken her lips and pressed them hard against Mary’s, Lily Evans was officially going out with James Potter.