This was the hardest part for Sirius. And maybe that was selfish, but that didn’t make it any less true. Remus went through so much pain during his transformations every month, flesh-tearing agony as his body re-arranged itself twice in one night. Witnessing that crushed Sirius’ heart every time, but at least he was there. There to run, play, and wrestle as a shaggy black dog, to become one of the werewolf’s pack, or to rub a hand across Remus’ aching shoulders, to tuck him into the rickety, still-only-half-destroyed bed in the shack, to press a kiss to his temple before retreating under the cloak and waiting for Madame Pomfrey to come collect Remus, gently whisking him away to the Hospital Wing.
That is when the real pain started for Sirius: when he knew that his boyfriend was hurting, but he couldn’t be there with him. And he knew- he knew that Moony was under the care of probably the most talented healing witch of the last several ages, but that didn’t stop the tightness that pulled across his chest every single month as he stood under the cloak with James and Peter, waiting until the click of Madame Pomfrey’s shoes faded down the tunnel and they could stealthily make their retreat to the dorms.
In the hours or days following the full, Sirius had a hard time focusing on anything else, his mind just a constant stream of Is Moony ok? Did I wrestle with him too hard this time? The wolf was enthusiastic, but what if I hurt him? Is he injured? I didn’t notice anything severe after he transformed back, but… Oh Merlin, what if I missed something big, and he’s barely hanging on? And I’m just sitting here in Transfiguration like it's a normal Thursday. Gods, what if he hates me for that? And here I am spiralling in class instead of taking notes for Moony like I’m supposed to be. Can’t help him in the Hospital Wing or in the classroom; talk about a useless boyfriend.
A sudden gentle pressure on his forearm pulls him out of his thoughts and back to the present. He looks to find a hand resting beside his left arm, the three fingers that are not holding a quill are draped across his skin, emanating warmth. Sirius’ eyes follow the arm that belongs to the hand and the body that belongs to the arm. He finally focuses on James- James’ face, where his eyebrows are relaxing and he’s offering a soft smile, clearly pleased to have pulled Sirius out of his anxiety spiral. James is the only one that Sirius has opened up to about his difficulties after the moon. Or rather, James had pulled it out of him, always able to read him like a book after years of close friendship. James crinkles his eyes and jerks his head toward the front of the classroom where Minnie is reviewing how to ensure furniture transfigurations are fully complete and won’t revert to their original state upon usage. Sirius tries to return his smile with one of gratitude, turns back to his parchment, blinking hard to keep the creeping thoughts at bay, and starts to furiously jot everything down. He won’t let Remus down. He can’t. He makes a mental reminder to compare his notes with James, Peter, and even Lily later to make sure he got everything.
~~
The three of them try to visit Remus during dinner the first night, but they are turned away. Something about Remus needing rest to aid his recovery and him being asleep anyway.
Sirius knows Moony has to recover, of course, but something about that word sends tingles all over his body, dredging up images of broken bones and bleeding gashes and torn flesh and pained groans and fitful sleep and- Sirius takes a deep breath, holding it for several seconds as he follows his friends to the Great Hall and letting it out slowly as they descend the final staircase. The images have faded, and he’s able to plaster on a casual smile before entering the Hall to brave the clueless faces and too-cheerful conversations at the Gryffindor table.
He makes it through dinner fairly successfully, yet the surface of his skin feels numb until the weight of his comforter falls over him as he crawls into bed that night. He’s bone-tired from staying up for the full then attending a full day of classes afterward, and, blissfully, exhaustion takes victory over anxiety rather quickly, sending him into a deep sleep.
~~
Sirius rises before James or Peter, getting dressed quickly and quietly by the rays of early morning sunlight peeking through the window.
He practically flies down to the Hospital Wing, taking a hidden passageway that only saves him about 30 seconds, but when he can feel every second that passes since he’s last seen Remus safe and intact as a weight on his chest, every single one counts. He’s still mid-run when he turns the oversized door handle on the large wooden doors, but his face meets wood with a not-so-quiet thunk when the door refuses to budge. Backing up only slightly, he jiggles the handle a couple more times. Definitely locked.
Stepping back fully and bringing up a hand to rub his forehead where it collided with the door, Sirius feels tears prick at his eyes.
Are you fucking kidding me? It was just a little bump. Moony is on the other side of that door going through a thousand times worse, and you’re crying over running into a door? A softer voice speaks up from deeper in his mind: I don’t care about my pain; I just wanted to see my Moony.
And with that, the flood unleashes— tears and thoughts flowing freely as he tears off for some remote corner of the castle. A classroom, a bathroom, a closet, it doesn’t matter; he’s just determined not to be seen by anyone, by Remus, like this.
~~
By the time the tears stop and Sirius is satisfied that it's not incredibly obvious that he’s just had a breakdown, breakfast is winding down and students have started shuffling towards their first class of the day. But there is no way he can sit through class right now, having to act like he’s fine; it's not like he’d learn much of anything anyway, with the ringing in his ears and blood roaring in his head. So he settles a little deeper into the storage closet he found himself in, trying to keep his breaths even and slow, to ignore the ever-encroaching thoughts and not work himself back up.
Eventually, he decides that it's been long enough since first class started that the hallways should be sufficiently empty. He cracks the door open and, seeing no one, scurries back to Gryffindor Tower.
~~
Sirius shoulders open the dorm room door, squinting his aching eyes against the sunlight that streams through the window. He reaches up to scrub his fingertips across his eyes, offering some relief but feeling a little grittiness from the tears that dried there recently. As he pulls his hands down, his gaze falls on Remus’ bed, which has all the curtains drawn tightly shut. This could only mean one thing, and, before he can even think about it, Sirius is across the room, tugging a curtain aside, just far enough to peek inside.
Moony.
He’s there. He’s finally there, right in front of him, in one piece, one slumbering, disheveled piece. Sirius lets out a wet— sound. A laugh. A sob. He isn’t sure, but he’s just so relieved that his Moony made it back to him once again.
“Pads?”
The word is so quiet that Sirius doesn’t register it for a second, but when he looks down, two half-open hazel eyes are peeking out from beneath the honeyed curls.
“Oh shit, sorry Moony. I didn’t mean to wake you. I just needed-”
Remus cuts him off by lifting the blankets; his voice soft and rumbly from sleep, “S’ok, I’ll sleep better if you join me.” The end of his sentence turns up only slightly, both a statement of fact and an invitation.
Sirius only hesitates for a second— this is finally a way you can help him— before toeing off his shoes and shedding his robes, climbing into Remus’ bed in only his jumper and trousers. “I’m glad you’re back. How’re you feeling?” he asks, grabbing one of Remus’ hands from where they’re tucked under the pillow and lacing their fingers together.
Remus drops his hand in favor of throwing his arm around Sirius’ waist and pressing their whole bodies together, hooking his knee around Sirius’ leg and pushing his face into Sirius’ neck. Sirius can feel his boyfriend’s response as much as he can hear it. “Much better now that you’re here,” he breathes out a soft laugh, “but it wasn’t a very bad moon. I was going to come back after dinner last night, feeling pretty good, all things considered. But when I got off the cot to head up here, my hip gave way a little, and Madame Pomfrey wouldn’t hear about me coming back up all those stairs. Insisted I give it the night before putting any weight on it. Was right as rain this morning; I guess I should know to trust that woman with my medical care by this point. But I had slept through most of breakfast by the time I woke up, so now here I am. Just dealing with the standard exhaustion and muscle aches.” He pulls back from where his nose is buried in Sirius’ hair to give him a soft, chaste kiss and a smile.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you sooner, Moony,” Sirius starts, eyes digging through and finding refuge in the flecks of brown and green in the other boy’s eyes, “We tried to come during dinner last night, but Madame Pomfrey turned us away, said you were sleeping. I even tried to come this morning but-”
“Stop that,” Remus pulls his other hand from beneath the pillow to rub at the furrow that has appeared between Sirius’ eyebrows, repeating the soothing motion until the area flattens out again. “Like you said, I was asleep, and I know you have classes to attend— shouldn’t you be in one now?— and how tired you three are after staying up with me for the full moon. Thank you, by the way, I can’t say it enough. I’m grateful you’re here right now, even though I should tell you off for skipping cl-” He cuts himself off, eyes and fingers drifting up from where he was watching the crease fall out of Sirius’ brow. “What happened to your forehead?”
Sirius’ own hand meets the other boy’s on his own face. There must be a red spot or something from where he hit his head earlier. There wasn’t exactly a mirror in that storage closet to check. “Oh, uh- I was moving a little too fast when I tried to come see you this morning. Poppy hadn’t unlocked the door yet, and uh,” he waves his hand to indicate the obvious end to the story.
Remus giggles, “That was you? I thought heard a loud thunk early this morning, but I just rolled back over. Oh Merlin!” His hand falls across his mouth to catch the increasing laughter.
And, for the second time that day, something that shouldn’t make him cry does. His tears are falling, and Sirius is shaking with sobs, heaving breaths taking control of his body.
Remus swallows his laughter immediately, eyes widening in alarm; his hand staying over his mouth in shock as he watches his boyfriend crumble. “Gods, Sirius, I didn’t think it- are you ok? Are you hurt? I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to laugh.”
At the apology, Sirius sobs painfully hard, crossing one arm over his chest and pushing down and scrubbing as hard as he can. “No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m- it's stupid. Just let me calm down and- and- ” His words are punched and cracked with shivering breaths and sobs. He pulls his other hand up from between them to wipe harshly at his face with the heel of his hand, willing the tears to stop, to go back in, to go away.
“Padfoot, Pads, stop that, just, c’mere,” he reaches up with both hands, pulling at Sirius’ wrist to replace his harsh ministrations with something much more tender. He cups Sirius’s face with both hands, gently stroking his thumbs up and down the other boy’s cheeks, occasionally catching tears as they continue to fall. “If it's got you this upset, it's not stupid. I want to help. What’s wrong? Did you really hurt yourself on the Hospital Wing door? I’m sorry I laughed; it just didn’t seem like something you’d be truly upset over. Dramatic? Yes, but not this. I- I like to think I know you well enough, Pads, to know that something else is going on here. Please, talk to me.”
Sirius leans into the touches on his face, letting himself focus on how nice it feels and letting it lull his breathing back to a more manageable pace. “It's nothing, really. I know you need to focus on healing. You have your own real problems right now; you don’t need to carry mine too. I’m sorry for stressing you out; I should be the one comforting you right now.” Merlin, I really am useless, aren’t I?
Remus’ grip on his jaw tightens, hazel eyes flashing, “Don’t you ever say that! I care about you so much, all the time. Obviously, the full moon affects me the most. That’s the nature of the whole ‘werewolf’ thing, but it doesn’t mean your problems don’t matter during that time. I hate the idea of you suffering silently because of my ‘furry little problem.’ It creates enough unavoidable problems in our lives; I don’t need it throwing up walls between us too.” He leans forward and presses a kiss in the middle of the red mark left by the heavy wooden door, and when he drops back down, Sirius is finally looking into his eyes instead of his hair, his scars on his face, his ears, his chin, anywhere else. There’s still a flicker of apprehension among the grey, so he surges on, “I love you so much, Siri. I want to help in whatever way I can. Or if I can’t, I can just be there with you. Offer support. Talk it through. That’s what we agreed to with this whole ‘friendship-and-caring-about-each-other-and-now-we’re-dating’ thing. To do things together.”
At that last word, Sirius’ eyes fill again, but he softly closes his eyes, letting both his tears and his head fall, nuzzling his face against Remus’ neck, breathing him in. He tries to let the familiarity— vanilla, bergamot, a lemony cleaning potion no doubt from the hospital wing, and something like fresh-turned earth deep in the forest— strengthen his resolve, as he pulls away just enough that his voice won’t be too muffled by Remus’ jumper and skin. Taking one more shaky breath, he starts.
“I’m not good at talking about this stuff. Merlin, James had to pry it out of me, basically playing twenty questions, him hazarding guesses at what was wrong and me nodding or shaking my head. Not even using words to respond.” He lets out a half-hearted, wet laugh. “But I think he helped me understand it a bit more. I have problems with anxiety.”
Sirius feels the muscles in Remus’ arm tense for a second before relaxing again. One of the other boy’s hands drifts into his black curls, carding through them and lightly scratching his scalp. Sirius can’t help but turn his head just a bit, deepening the sensation. He takes a deep breath before continuing.
“I know you’ve seen it before; you’ve helped me with it before. When summer rolled around, and I would have to go home. When we were working on the animagus potion. When there are too many essays due at the same time. When I have my nightmares. I’ve gotten pretty good at covering it up, trying to make sure that it's no one else’s problem, but sometimes it gets too bad. I get spacey or shaky or can’t sleep. That’s-”
He cut himself off as his voice starts to quaver. He swallows hard, letting out a small grunt at the effort. Why can’t you just spit it out? You started this. You decided to burden him with this, so just get it out. Don’t make him wait for it too.
“Breathe, love, everything’s okay,” Remus’ voice is light but emphatic in his ear. He feels a kiss pressed half against the top of his ear, half in his hair. “Take your time; it doesn’t have to all come out at once. I’ve got plenty of resting to do, so we can stay right here as long as you need.”
Moony’s voice rumbles through his body, sending ripples of calm through Sirius from wherever their bodies meet, and Sirius breathes in deeply again.
“It's- Merlin, Moony, from the second that Madame Pomfrey takes you from the Shack to the moment I lay eyes on you again, hours or days later, it's like I can’t breathe right. All I can think about is if you’re okay, if you’re feeling better, when I’ll be allowed to see you— to hold you again. Mostly I’m able to keep it at a low hum, to go to all my classes, take my best notes for you, operate at some bare minimum until I know you’re okay. But this time was one of the worse ones. I couldn’t focus on anything, worried that I’d never see you again, that I had missed something in looking after you during the moon, that I had done something wrong, had hurt you in some way. And I couldn’t go see you, and I couldn’t focus to take notes for you in class. I just felt so useless and hopeless and- and- I knew I was spiralling, but I couldn’t pull myself out. And then this morning, when I tried and failed to see you for the second time, something just snapped in me. I fully broke down; I couldn’t, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, but all my thoughts were too loud at the same time. And I know, I know you have your healing to focus on and your own struggles to deal with before and after the moon and I just don’t want me and my stupid brain to be another burden for you to bear.”
Tears are falling from grey eyes. Again, really? Remus said it didn’t have to come out all at once, but once the dam broke, there was no stopping the deluge. Ragged breaths fall from Sirius’ mouth as his words finally cease, and silence fills the room, crowding like static in his ears.
Remus shifts forward, enveloping the smaller boy in a tight hug that seems to last an eternity. When he finally pulls back, his hand goes back to stroking Sirius’ hair, also hooking a thumb under his jaw to gently coax the head off his shoulder until red-rimmed grey eyes meet hazel.
“Thank you for telling me, love.” Remus cranes his neck up briefly to press another kiss to the other’s forehead, “I know it's not easy for you to be vulnerable like that. Although, I hope you know you can be open with me any time. Like I said, we decided to be here for each other, and I’m not shying away from that commitment. You are not a burden to me, never have been, never could be, never will be. You bring me such comfort all the time, especially surrounding the moons; in all honesty, I wish you could be there sooner too. But we both know that Madame Pomfrey has her reasons, since, although I may disagree on principle, reality argues that her potions and tinctures and healing spells are likely more effective than Padfoot-snuggles.”
They both chuckle a little at that.
“I don’t know; I just think there hasn’t been enough research into it. The snuggles are quite restorative.” And, as if to prove his point, Sirius winds both arms around his boyfriend’s middle, letting his head fall on the taller one’s chest. Squeezing tightly as his own breaths start to even out, he mumbles into the knitted fabric, “They even seem to work both ways.”
Remus laughs again, wrapping his arms around Sirius’ shoulders, “You’re quite right about that.”
After a beat of silence, “I’m sorry you’ve been so upset while I’m confined to the Hospital Wing. Don’t get me wrong, I am honored and flattered to be cared about so deeply, but I wish it didn’t distress you so much. You— all of you, but especially you— do so much for me before and during my transformations; I just wish you could take a bit of reprieve when someone else takes over my care for a short time. Don’t forget about me, mind you, but take comfort and rest in the fact that I’m in the care of expert and careful hands when I need it the most.” He runs one of his hands lightly up and down the shorter boy’s spine.
As Remus falls silent again, Sirius lifts his head to look him in the eyes, the crease appearing back between his eyebrows. “We-- I could never forget you, Re. It- Its- confusing. Oh Godric, how do I explain this? I-” He lets out a long, slow breath, and the hand that now rests on his upper arm gives him a comforting squeeze. Take your time, it says. I’ll wait for you, however long you need, the small smile on Moony’s lips and the subtle nod of his head say. He tries to let those gentle voices smother out the one that's shouting spit it out already! from the back of his head. “I feel selfish. You go through so much pain every month, yet the part I struggle with the most is when you’re gone? I feel like, if I were a good boyfriend, I’d be more upset about your pain and suffering than my own. I wouldn’t even be worried about myself, just you. So how can I ask you for comfort about me worrying about you being hurt? But I feel so useless. I can’t do anything for the next ‘however long’ after the full because you’re tucked away behind closed doors. And then it's selfish for me to want you to be anywhere else because it's not like I can do anything close to what Poppy can to help you, so I should be glad you’re getting what you need. And what I can do for you— taking careful notes so you can catch up more easily on schoolwork— I can’t even do well because I can’t focus half the time from the anxiety. But if I didn’t sit there and worry about you until I saw you again, it’d be like I didn’t care, which is just as bad, maybe worse, because I could never not care about you, Moony. And you only deserve the best from me, which I can’t give you because all this is just such a confusing jumble, and I don’t know what to do with it. It feels overwhelming and numbing at the same time, so I just shove it down again and again until it eventually erupts, like today.”
Several emotions had shifted across Remus’ face during this most recent torrent, but Sirius couldn’t let it stop him. He had to get it all out at once if he wanted to get anything out. It was so difficult to open the tap of vulnerability inside his head that, when he did succeed in turning the handle, it blew like a fire hose, and it was just as hard to get it to shut off. He just hoped that no one except himself got hurt in the spray.
He couldn’t exactly tell what emotion sat on Remus’ face right now, but his eyes were cast slightly downwards and were flicking back and forth a bit, as if he was reading something on the front of Sirius’ jumper, which was distinctly devoid of words. Slowly, his gaze returned to Sirius’ eyes, and he bit his own lower lip before slowly releasing it from between his teeth.
He took a deep breath, “Okay, firstly, the ‘forgetting me’ thing was a joke. I know you’d never forget about me, Pads. Mental note, tone down the sarcasm when having vulnerable chats: it can be easily misconstrued.” He flashed a crinkle-eyed smile at Sirius and continued, “Secondly, you are not selfish. Not selfish to want to see me when I’m recovering, not selfish to want my comfort when you’re having a rough day. I like both offering and receiving comfort when it comes to you, so how could that be selfish if I want it too? And it's not like you don’t care about my pain during the moons, right?”
Sirius shakes his head so hard that it might rattle right off his neck. He opens his mouth in protest, but Remus shakes his own head and brings up a hand in a placating gesture, continuing before Sirius can take off on a panic-stricken tirade.
“Sorry, rhetorical question, Siri. I am apparently not very good at this. I know you care, and I know you know you care. And you know I know you know-” he breaks off, chuckling a little, “Anyways, if you’re being overrun with concern for my wellbeing because you can’t physically check on me after Madame Pomfrey takes me from the Shack, that’s not an indication of you being more concerned with your own struggles. It sounds like maybe you’re caring a bit too much. Which, again, I am grateful for, but I can’t have you making yourself sick about it, because that sounds like the start of a vicious cycle. Please, don’t push it down. Talk to someone. Talk to James, to Pete, to Lily. Talk to me. Maybe there’s someone who knows a bit more that you can talk to. Maybe we can find something to read about this in the library. But Padfoot, genuinely, like you, I care too much about you to let you keep hurting this way. Promise me we’ll talk.”
Sirius closes his eyes, pondering the requested promise. It's not easy to talk about these things, and he hates all the crying it apparently prompts. But the ‘shove-it-all-down-and-hope-nobody-notices’ tactic isn’t working very well, clearly. And, despite all the crying and the word vomit, he does feel better in a lot of ways right now. And his Moony wants this, says he loves him and cares about him and wants this for him, for them.
“Ok, Moony, I promise,” he swallows and decides that now is as good a time to start as any, “I’m ignoring the little voices in my head telling me I’m just burdening you with more of my problems, that I’m being pathetic again, and I’m promising to talk more. It won’t be easy for me, but I want to try. For you.”
Remus inclines his head and smiles at the admission, the small tugging-back of the curtain. He throws his arms around Sirius’ shoulders again, rolling onto his back so the smaller boy is lying on his chest now. “Thank you, my star. I promise to talk more too. This is not a burden on you or me but something we shoulder together.”
Sirius grins up at him from his new position on Remus’ chest before snuggling down into the warmth of the boy beneath him.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too”
A comfortable silence overtakes the dorm.
“Hey, Pads?”
“Hm?”
“Don’t you have class right now?”
A contemplative hum floats out from under the covers.
“This is much more important.”
~~
Over the next few weeks, Sirius does his best to learn not to keep things inside, but it's a slow-going process.
Before their next quidditch game, Sirius makes a point to be honest when James asks him how he’s feeling about it. His response of “Quite nervous, actually,” isn’t anything to cause alarm. He and James are practically attached at the hip, so the other likely already knew that. But when Sirius takes a deep breath, swallows, and opens up further about why he’s nervous, how it physically feels in his body, and the voices of self-doubt that chase each other around his skull, James is left in a rare bit of stunned silence.
Scrambling to cover his over-exposure, Sirius blurts out, “Sorry! I’m sorry. Remus and I had talked about my anxiety, and he suggested that maybe I should talk to you. But maybe now isn’t the time, and I should have asked first and-”
James grins and slings an arm around his friend’s shoulders, “Never a wrong time to be honest about how you’re feeling, mate. I’m nervous too, always am before any game. But once you finally kick off on your broom, just focus on the club in your hand, the wind in your hair, and the game in your sights. You’re an excellent player; I know we’re gonna do great.”
He squeezes Sirius’ shoulders before dropping his arm and heading towards the locker room door that leads towards the pitch. Turning around, he adds, “And I’m glad you and Moony are talking. It’ll be good for the both of you; that makes me really happy.” He grins wider and winks before turning once again and heading out the door.
Sirius huffs and rolls his eyes as the smile that won’t stop tugging at his lips. Leave it to Prongs to make something so loaded and burdensome seem so casual and wanted with only a few words. Shaking his head and renewing his earlier vow to Remus, he pushes through the door to the sound of roaring crowds.
~~
Three weeks after the previous full finds Sirius clambering through the portrait hole at a rather late hour, assisted in his journey by James’ invisibility cloak and the map. Folding them both over his arm, Sirius expects to find an empty common room to slink through before climbing the stairs to crawl into bed in his dorm. However, he is instead met with a singular figure, curled up in an armchair before the not-quite-dying embers in the fireplace.
Instantly recognizing the soft curly head of his boyfriend, Sirius smiles fondly and walks over to him. Remus is fast asleep, one arm pillowing his head on the high armrest of the chair, the other slung between his legs, gripping a book, pointer finger stuck about three-quarters of the way through. Setting down his own things, Sirius gently slides the book out of his grasp and fishes out a small strip of parchment from Remus’ bag— he always has a few floating around somewhere for emergency bookmarks— to mark his page, setting the book on a side table.
Turning back to the sleeping boy, Sirius threads his fingers into those soft curls, pushing them back from the taller boy’s forehead so he can press a kiss there instead. The gentle motions are apparently enough to rouse him, as he blinks sleepily and looks up at Sirius.
“What are you doing down here, Moons?”
Remus hums and leans further into the hand that’s still in his hair, “Didn’t know where you went. Got a little worried, but you had the map.”
Sirius chuckles sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand, “Yeah, I wanted to make sure I could be alone for a bit.” He drops down to sit cross-legged in front of the armchair. “My anxiety was not taking it easy on me today, and I wanted some quiet contemplation.”
Remus sits up fully at that, letting Sirius' hand fall from his head to his lap. Taking it instead in both of his own hands, he looks intently into the grey eyes beneath him.
“Are you okay? Is something bothering you?”
Dropping his gaze to somewhere around Remus’ knee, Sirius shrugs, “I can’t quite pinpoint it. Some days are just worse than others for no reason. But maybe it's because the moon is coming up again? Last time was pretty rough for me, so maybe I’m worried about it being like that again. Or it being worse for you. I’m not sure.”
He can see Remus nod out of the corner of his eye, then he hears, “I can already feel the moon a bit too. Just a pulling in my shoulders and a pain in the base of my skull. It's set me a bit on edge. That’s probably why I couldn’t even go up to the dorm without knowing you were okay.”
Sirius’ eyebrows furrow, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you like that. I didn’t even think; I just needed to get away.”
Remus’ fingers are back on his forehead, smoothing out the wrinkle between his brows, just like that night a few weeks ago. He leans into the touch and lets his face relax.
“That’s okay, Pads. You’re allowed your alone time, whenever you want it. Maybe leave me a note next time, so I don’t have to go on the prowl.” He laughs, and Sirius can’t help but follow suit.
Looking up, back into the other’s eyes, Sirius takes Remus’ hand that still hovers in front of his forehead and moves it to his cheek. Using his own hand, he presses Remus’ hand into his cheek, returning the pressure by closing his eyes and leaning his head into their hands as well. They both take a few breaths, enjoying the quietening crackle of the fire and the love that passes back and forth between them.
“Oh! How could I forget? I have something for you!”
“What? Moony, what do you mean? You don’t need to get me anything!”
“I know, but I wanted to. And, it's really for the both of us, and you’ll like it. You’ll see.”
He starts to dig around in his bag and pulls out a small velvet black box, about the size of a deck of cards.
Passing it to Sirius, he almost-whispers, “Here, open it.”
“Moony?” The word slips involuntarily in his confusion, but he opens the box as asked. Nestled against the black velvet lining are two silvery necklaces. One the outline of a five-pointed star and the other that of a crescent moon. Sirius looks up at the boy that sits over him, mouth hanging slightly open.
A light blush creeps across Remus’ cheeks as he speaks, “The moon is for you, the star is for me. So we can… be with each other even when we’re not.”
“They’re beautiful, Re. I’ll be honored to wear my Moony right by my heart.” Sirius can’t decide whether to stare at this lovely and unexpected gift or at his lovely and still somehow unexpected boyfriend. He tugs the star necklace out of the box and pulls himself to his knees. Leaning forward, he fastens the necklace around Remus’ neck and pulls him into a kiss. Pulling back after a few seconds— but certainly not long enough— he gently drags his fingers across the star that now rests just under the hollow between his boyfriend’s collarbones, “I love to see you wearing my star.”
Chuckling and muttering what sounds like “Down, boy,” under his breath, Remus tugs the moon necklace out of the box and fastens it around Sirius’ neck, pulling his hair out of the chain. “I’m glad you like them, but that’s not all. I had some help from Lily to enchant them. If you wrap your fist around the charm, it's magicked to warm a little and beat in time with the other's heart. I figured it might give you some peace of mind when I’m locked in the Hospital Wing. And it sure will bring me some peace to have you with me in some way during that time as well.”
Wrapping his fingers around the moon he now wears, Sirius can feel the familiar th-thump and a fraction of the warmth that he has felt so many times while snuggled close to the love of his life. He can feel his shoulders relax and a small smile spread across his face.
Hot tears threaten to spill from his eyes as he looks up at Moony, his Moony, who has a small look of alarm on his face at the glassy eyes now looking at him. “Sorry, no, these are happy tears. I just- thank you. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for the necklace. Thank you. I love you.” He slides up from the floor into the armchair, entangling himself in the other boy, squeezing with the strength of his gratitude and love so maybe, just maybe, he could understand their depths.
“Of course my love, my star. Thank you for caring about me, for listening to me, for being there for me. Thank you for just being you. I love you too.” He leans his head forward just enough to press kisses to Sirius’ forehead, nose, cheeks, and finally his lips. They can each feel the other smiling into the kiss.
Neither is sure how much longer they stay like that, entangled in an armchair that’s definitely just meant for one person, but they barely notice the fire going out, surrounded as they are by the warmth of affection. It's only when Remus’ muscles begin to complain of his crouched position that they decide to relocate to the bed upstairs, eager to let mutual care, cuddles, and the bliss of sleep carry their worries far away.