He stands up at the Gryffindor table and announces that he is dating Lily Evans. Her face flushes bright red and almost matches her hair. He pulls her up to stand on the table with him and kisses her hard in front of everyone.
Tears burn in my eyes as I look down at my plate. The plate that I haven’t touched all of a sudden becomes the most interesting thing to look at. His friends are whooping and others are clapping. I want to disappear and never have to see him again. Never see this man I love and hate at the same time. Never see the man that hurt me. I stand up and walk out of the Great Hall while everyone focuses on them.
My friends know something is up but I still haven’t told them anything. The information that Regulus Black is gay could spread like wildfire and ruin the remaining reputation that the House of Black has. I am the heir and I have to act like it.
I find myself catching Remus's eyes on occasion. He has always been the quiet, observant one of their group. I don’t understand why his focus is on me but I need to get better at hiding my fear of James and my untimely distance from Sirius. I don’t need another person finding out what happened with James and not believing me because their precious best friend wouldn’t hurt a fly. He may not hurt a fly but he hurt a person. He hurt me.
My mother has been owling me with potential suitors. She is starting to match me with girls because I am getting older and of age. I can only think of the poor girl who has to marry me when I don’t even like girls. I knew there wasn’t a sustainable future with James but I loved him and that was going to be enough for me. Clearly, it wasn’t enough for him.
Sometimes, late at night in my bed when I let the thoughts of James roam free. I remember his skin against mine. How wonderful it was before he hurt me. We were yin and yang, the sun and the star and most importantly, we were James and Regulus, two men in love. I miss him every day. I see him with Lily and jealousy burns in my veins.
He got his perfect little girl and he will have his perfect little life and I will have nothing.
I have spent most of my time in the astronomy tower lately. It is hard to be in bed without thinking of beautiful moments tangled in sheets and soaked in love. Up here, there is peace and quiet and no one to see me fall apart. Most of the time, I can’t hold in my sobs long enough to get up the stairs. I cry until no tears are left and my eyes are red and puffy.
Eventually, I run out of tears. Every night I climb up the stairs to stare up at the stars.
One night, at least an hour after I climbed those stairs, I hear someone make their way up to my sacred space. I try not to panic and slowly turn around to see who it is. I am shocked to see Remus there. He comes to stand quietly next to me.
This becomes routine. I head up to the Astronomy tower, settle in, and then Remus joins me. We sit in peaceful silence as we look at the stars. He seems to know I am hurting even though no words are spoken. He studies the stars with intensity but checks on me quite often.
“What happened with you and James?” He asks one night. He says it as if he knows we were together. I don’t know if I am so exhausted or just wanted to tell someone who might actually listen but something compels me to speak up. “We were in love,” I say in a whisper as if I am still trying to keep it a secret. “We were in love and then Lily started to show interest in him” My voice starts to break as I relive James falling out of love with me. “He started to pull away from me so I tried desperately to get him to stay. He took advantage of that” I say, my voice cracking and tears springing to my eyes. “Reg, what happened? How did he take advantage of that? Are you saying what I think you are saying?” Remus says, his voice shaking a bit. I avoid his gaze because I don’t want to see that he doesn’t believe me. “That last time, I wanted him to stop but he didn’t, he just forced himself on me,” I say, tears falling down my face. I stare out into the night. Remus slowly grabs my arm and turns me to face him. He holds my face, brushing the tears away, and lifts my chin to make eye contact. “He shouldn’t have hurt you. That was wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. No one who loved you would do that. Regulus.. It wasn’t your fault.” I look at him and hear him saying all the things that my big brother should have said. The big brother who was supposed to protect me and instead, left me.
I don’t know how I ended up pressed tight against Remus’s chest and sobbing but I did. He held me tightly, whispering reassurances into my hair. I felt protected and cared for, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I let everything out; my anger that James hurt me, my frustration that my brother didn’t believe me, and the absolute heartbreak I feel now that James doesn’t love me anymore.
We walk back to the dungeons together, Remus clearly protecting me and watching out so that we don’t get caught. I’m in a haze. “Get to bed safely ok Reg? Everything is going to be all right” Remus says looking at me with determination. I am too out of it to ask what he means by that. I barely hear him muttering to himself as I walk in.
The next morning comes much too soon and I can barely get up. I am convinced that last night was a dream until Remus plops down next to me at breakfast. I look at him in shock before glancing over at the Gryffindor table.
The energy over there is thrown off completely. Lily sits far down the table with some of her girlfriends who are all shooting daggers with their eyes at James. James and Sirius are sulking at the end of the table with their backs to us. I look a Remus but he is peacefully eating his food without a care in the world. I look back at James and Sirius just in time to see them stand up and turn around to leave the room. I try to hold back a gasp as I see that they both sport black eyes and look roughed up. They slink out of the room. I look down and notice that the knuckles of the man sitting next to me are bruised. I glanced up at his smug face but he doesn’t say anything to defend himself.
My good mood is soured by the arrival of a letter from my mother. A shadow falls over my mind as I read about how my wife shall be chosen by the end of the school year and I shall marry her by Christmas. I set down the letter with a sigh and as soon as it touches the table, Remus grabs it and incinerates it. That brings a small smile to my face.
I should have expected this but James tries to talk about me the next day. He grabs my arm and pulls me into an alcove. I try not to shudder at his touch. My skin crawls and goosebumps break out over my body. “Why did you tell Remus that I raped you?” He blurts out as soon as we are alone and secluded. I back up as far as I can away from him. “I didn’t rape you, you wanted it. You always begged me to fuck you!” He whispers loudly. “I didn’t want it James, you didn’t check that I wanted to be fucked, you just forced yourself in because you thought of me as your personal whore” I counter. He steps back, clearly shocked that I spoke up for myself. “Reggie…” James says softly. “Don’t call me that. You don’t deserve to be able to call me that” I say defensively. “You hurt me, nothing you say can take that away. Your best friend defended you but Remus believes me. He believes the truth” I say bravely. He steps close to me “You fucked everything up you know that?” He says, his hand closing around my throat. “You caused Remus and Sirius to break up, you fucked up my thing with Lily, and you fucked up my entire friend group just because you didn’t like us having sex one time?” He continues, squeezing my throat. “James, stop! You are hurting me again!” I beg. That statement makes him release me. His eyes go unfocused and he walks away without saying anything else.