Chapter 1
Has it ever happened to you that you looked into the mirror and were shocked by what you saw? Because Regulus totally had.
It was a week after the breakup, he had to brush his teeth now that he finally had the energy to do so, after 6 days of rotting on his bed crying. His hair was all tangled, his eyes red. And he was still wearing that cardigan. James’ quidditch cardigan.
‘James Potter, chaser’ it said.
James Potter
James Potter
James Potter
He was his boyfriend, James Potter was his boyfriend until a week ago and every time Regulus thought about him he started crying again.
The door of the bathroom opened and some delusional part of him hoped that it was James, in Regulus’ green cardigan with ‘Regulus Black, seeker’ on it. But it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t James. It was Remus.
Remus came by daily, and to be honest he was the only reason Regulus was still alive. Remus made sure he drank anything other than beer and that he’d eat. Remus even shared his chocolate with Regulus, and that never happened.
If that relationship between Remus and Regulus’ brother Sirius ever came to an end, Regulus would repay Remus a thousand times.
Remus was took Regulus to his bed and made sure he ate and drank something.
Remus gave Regulus some of his chocolate, but Regulus didn’t eat it. He was too nauseous already, just from what he’d seen in the mirror.
Some depressed, lifeless version of himself. Did he always look that way? Had he always been so… ugly? No wonder James had left him.
“Eat, you’ll feel better, I promise you” Remus said and Regulus really, really tried to do so, but he ended up throwing it up, all over his bed and over Remus, but Remus didn’t seem to care.
“It’s okay Reg, don’t be sorry, I shouldn’t have forced you to eat in the first place. I’ll clean you up, but you do have to undress for that. I understand if you don’t want to, really I do, but I have to because I know you don’t have the energy to clean yourself up, Reg. I’m sorry”
Regulus wasn’t upset, he was scared. Genuinely scared. Scared Remus would see his ugly body, scared Remus saw the scars and scared Remus would know which ones were from the abuse and which ones he made himself.
“Reg, I know you have scars, but I have them too and you know that. Don’t be ashamed, I won’t look at them unless I have to”
“Remus they- they’re fresh… new… please, don’t make me do this” Regulus cried out desperately “Please, please later”.
“Reg, okay, you’re not all covered in puke, it’s okay, I’ll have to clean your chest okay? I know it’s sore after the surgery, but I have to clean it up, okay? Take your time, it’s okay. Don’t be sorry, I won’t judge you, I won’t leave you, it’s okay” Remus said before slowly taking off Regulus’ shirt.
Regulus himself was shocked by how much weight he had actually lost, Remus was more shocked by the scars.
“A gift from my darling mother” Regulus said, trying to laugh the pain away, but of course it didn’t work.
Remus just cleaned Regulus up, gave him new bedsheets and a soft blanket, Regulus smiled in relief; this one didn’t smell like James, and then Remus went for a shower since he was also covered in Regulus’ puke.
When Remus came back, Regulus was crying again. He felt so, so guilty towards Remus. Remus helped him, he was there for him at the times when no one else was, and this was how he thanked him?
Remus didn’t seem to care, however. He just held Regulus, comforted him, and when Regulus was finally okay again just stayed.
Remus stayed
Somehow he always did
Just like he thought James would
Remus was scrolling through his instagram, Regulus was looking on his screen secretly when he saw a picture of James and Lily kissing.
James
Lily
Kissing
James Potter, his ex, and Lily Evans, one of his best friends, kissing. He never felt more betrayed.
James and Lily
James and Lily
James and Lily
Of course James would do this, Regulus should’ve known. He should’ve seen it coming.
“How could they? It’s been a week? A WEEK!” Regulus screamed, mad from grief. Because how could they? After a week. Just a week.
Just a fucking week and James was over it.
Remus hugged him and soothingly stroked his back, while Regulus thought about it.
Of course, he knew it would never last. James has always been closer with Lily than with him, but he really thought it had meant something to James.
Playing hide and seek, giving him his weekends, dancing in our levi’s, drunk under a street light and Regulus still didn’t know whether to smile or to cry about those memories now, so he just did neither of them.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized how much James had actually hurt him, how much James would keep hurting him.
The more he realized that James would linger like a tattoo kiss, he knew James would haunt all of Regulus’ what-ifs.
He loved James, after all this time he loved James.
He once hated James. He wished he could go back to that time because at this point, hating James was better than loving James. Everything was better than loving James. Who in this goddamn universe decided love should hurt?
When you are young, they assume you know nothing. Regulus had always pushed it away, he was the gifted kid, he knew everything but the more he thought about it the more he realized he actually knew nothing about love.
A friend to all is a friend to none, Regulus knew that. And James Potter definitely was a friend to all.
People said that James and Regulus were ‘Sunshine and midnight rain’ but forgot to mention that the sun makes rain disappear.