Mother was screaming again. Something about how Sirius was a disgrace for being a Gryffindor, all the usual. Usual since he’s gotten home for Yule break, anyhow. Regulus listened for a moment longer before closing the door to his room, not bothering locking it because that never did any good, instead retreating to his desk and pulling out his notebook, getting the quill ready to write some poetry. He tuned out his mother’s screeching, instead focusing on the fleeting thoughts that demanded to be put to parchment.
Water is shifting,
I feel as if I’m drifting
You tell me to be cautious
As if my life was something precious
I tell you the tide is low
You still insist I go slow
As if there’s something I don’t know
Engrossed in the writing, he didn’t notice the soft click of his door opening, or the quiet footsteps of his brother. Finally, a muffled whimper broke him out of his trance. Turning to face the intruder, a scowl on his face, he stopped when he noticed the sorry state Sirius was in. He was crying, tear tracks mixing with the blood on his chin, a red handprint across his face. Regulus schooled his expression into his usual indifferent mask before the concern could bleed through.
“What do you want?” he drawled out, tone bored. He didn’t have time to deal with this. Sirius wasn’t supposed to be here. Regulus was not allowed to see him, let alone talk to him, and just because she was no longer yelling didn’t mean that mother had left the house.
“Reggie..” his brother breathed, shocked that Regulus was even talking to him.
“Out with it. I don’t have time to listen to you sob.” his tone was harsh, but the twitch of his brows gave away his concern.
“I just wanted to see you. We’ve barely talked since I got back and-”
“Yes and I’d like to keep it that way. You’ve seen me, I’ve seen you, now leave. I’ve got better things to do.” He interrupted him before he got even more emotional. He felt bad for the flinch that followed his words, but a darker part of him relished in it. Good, it thought, suffer like you made me. Wait for me like I did when I wrote you those letters that you never replied to. He had written to him all year, waiting for a reply, and had only just given up before break. Obviously his brother had better things to do than write his stupid little brother. Well now Regulus had better things to do than listen to Sirius whine.
Sirius stood there for a moment longer, waiting for him to take the words back, but all Regulus did was harden his gaze. Sirius waited, then nodded and left, mumbling some nonsense about James and letters. Regulus waited until he heard the soft click of the door closing before he turned back to his desk. He sat and tried to write more, but the words just weren’t coming anymore. Sirius was to blame for that. He always managed to shake him up emotionally in a way nobody else was able to. Sighing, he carefully put his writing materials away before standing again and then deciding to try to get some sleep before mother inevitably dragged them out for dinner.
Closing his eyes, he couldn’t help but think of his brother. About how he always stood up for him, how he took all the hits for him, all the lectures, and now that was gone. He went off to Hogwarts and despite all the letters Regulus sent, he never deemed him worthy enough for a reply. Instead, Regulus was left all alone with just his mother and father for company. It was terrible. Now that Sirius was gone, they turned their attention to him. Regulus had never liked attention, it made him uncomfortable, felt like an itch that he couldn’t shake off. Sirius knew this, and so he used to divert the attention to him whenever it started to become unbearable. There was no Sirius to do so however while he was at Hogwarts, and that itch just became worse. His parents were critical of everything, his clothes, his hair, his twitching, his facial expressions, even his very thoughts weren’t safe as his mother knew Legilimency. Regulus thought he was good at hiding his emotions before Sirirus left, now he was a master. He learned how to empty his head, school his face, stop fidgeting andsmile. He always was a fast learner, something that made his parents proud, and this was no different. So along with learning French and dancing, he learned how to smile and nod and lie. Oh how he learned to lie. And now Sirius was back, albeit just for the break, but back all the same, and he was slowly undoing all of his progress. It was so much easier to pretend that he agreed with his parents' opinions when he didn’t see Sirius glaring at him out of the corner of his eye. So much easier to nod along when Sirius wasn’t arguing back. It was much easier to parrot their words when he didn’t have to endure Sirius’ hurt and disappointed look when he did. Things were just easier when Sirius was gone, as awful as that felt to admit. This new Regulus and Sirius just didn’t belong together, and Regulus needed to be this new him. He couldn’t afford to slip up, couldn’t be anything other than perfect, and Sirius just got in the way of that.
It was that simple.
—-------------------------------------------
They were fighting.
Well, they were always fighting, but this time felt different. This time felt important.
It had started how all their fights did, Sirius tried to talk to him, Regulus refused to answer, Sirius went to grab him, and then they were fighting. Simple.
“Well if that’s how you feel, why don’t you just leave! Go run off to James, you’re always telling me about how he’s so perfect, so just go run off to perfectJames! Go!” he yelled, chest heaving and tears threatening to spill.
“Fine! Fine if that’s what you want then I will! Who needs you anyway! Merlin all I was trying to do was have a conversation with you! Is that too much to ask for?!” Sirius yelled in return, pulling at his hair that mother kept threatening to cut off if he grew it any longer, voice shaking.
“Oh a conversation! That’s all, right? No. I know you, first it would be a conversation, then it would be an interrogation, then a recruitment, and, Merlin forbid, you did just want to get to know me, then we would still end up here after you did because you wouldn’t like what you found. So go tell all your stupid Gryffindor friends about your failure of a brother, your dark, evil, slimy little Slytherin brother who is bound to be a Death Eater because I don’t care anymore Sirius. I don’t care. I just don’t.” he was sneering by the end of his speech, tears now bubbling.
“You know what Reg, I will. I will go to James and I will tell him all about what a disappointment you are. A puppet. Are those even your words, or did mother and father tell you to say them? Don’t answer that, I don’t care. You’re right, you are a disappointment, but you’re not my brother. Not anymore.” Sirius was looking at him with disgust by the end, almost as if he couldn’t picture the Regulus in front of him and his little brother as the same person. Maybe he couldn’t. Regulus sure couldn’t.
Then he grabbed his things, stepped into the floo, whispered, “Potter Manor”, and was gone in a flash of green flames.
As soon as he was gone, Regulus broke.
The tears that had been threatening to fall throughout finally descended as he let out a broken half scream, half sob. Sinking to the cold marble floor he sobbed. He sobbed for losing his brother, he sobbed for starting the argument in the first place. He sobbed for losing himself. He sobbed for Sirius being right.
His mother must have come home and heard him sobbing in the drawing room, because the next thing he knew, he was being hauled up by his shirt, forced to meet the scowling face of his mother.
“Regulus Arcturus Black, what in Merlin’s name are you doing?! Have you no shame?! Crying in the drawing room where anyone could see you? Your father will be most displeased.” she spoke in soft, harsh tones, never raising her voice and yet Regulus couldn’t be more upset if she had been yelling. He was so distraught he didn’t care that he was caught, didn’t care that father would be upset, he didn’t care. He had lost his brother today, and nothing hurt more than that.
—---------------
It was two years later before they talked again.
Sirius was back for Yule break, and things couldn’t be more tense. Sirius had already gotten into a record number of fights with their parents, and it was barely a week into the break. Apparently word got to them that he was fighting with his blood traitor friends, and his parents circled in on that fact like a niffler on gold. They were fighting now, and Regulus was half tempted to just go up to his room and wait it out before something caught his attention. A single word. One he hadn’t heard in years, not since they started Hogwarts.
Crucio.
His mother snarled the word, wand pointed at an unsuspecting Sirius.
The effect was instantaneous.
Sirius fell to the hard stone floors, screaming and twitching in pain. Regulus froze, gaze helplessly stuck on the pained form of his brother. His mother smiled as soon as the screams started to come from Sirius. Regulus felt frozen, he couldn’t breathe. His heart was racing in his chest, blood pounding in his ears still not loud enough to drown out the sounds Sirius was making. She held the curse on him for a full minute before releasing it, wand still pointed at him as he trembled and whimpered.
“That should teach you not to talk back to me. You are the heir, it’s time you acted like it.” Her voice was cold, pitiless. As if she didn’t just torture her child.
“F-fuck y-you…” Sirius stuttered out with great effort, voice breathy and strained.
That was the wrong thing to do. Mother’s eyes widened, before she was casting the curse on him again, no mercy in her eyes this time. Sirius started screaming instantly this time, his face wet with tears. She held the curse even longer this time, seemingly set on never letting go. It was only when Regulus started to see blood come from his mouth and ears did he unfreeze.
“Mother!” he shouted.
Her gaze turned towards him, a question on her lips.
“Mother,” he backtracked, trying to remain calm, “surely we need him alive. I mean, all that training shouldn’t go to waste. Good blood, and all..” he faltered, trying desperately to get her to release the curse.
She held it for a moment longer, considering, before releasing him. “Clean yourself up Sirius. Your father will be home soon.” And with those final ominous words she left the drawing room.
As soon as she left Regulus moved, rushing to his brother’s side, turning him over onto his side and trying to figure out what to do.
“Sirius, Sirius, Sirius!” he shook his brother, trying to get him to respond, but to no avail. If it wasn’t for the shallow breaths he could hear coming from him, he would have thought him dead.
Shit, shit, think, what to do, what to do. Can’t let father see him, he would actually kill him. Need to get him out of here. Where to go, where to go? James! Surely the Potter’s would take him in.
With a plan in place, Regulus briefly left his brother’s side just enough to pull out his wand and summon Sirius’ trunk. He kept it packed since he got here, as if sensing this moment would come. Regulus was thankful for that now, as they were running out of time. Soon father would be home and Regulus needed Sirius gone when that happened. He placed the trunk in the fireplace, then started to drag Sirius over too.
Merlin you’re heavy, he couldn’t help but think as he slowly dragged his brother over. Finally reaching the fireplace, he grabbed some floo powder, lit the fireplace, and tossed it in. “Potter Manor”, he whispered, because the walls had ears. Then, knowing this was goodbye, looked at his brother one last time and shoved him through. There was a flash of green, and then he was gone. For good this time.
And not a moment too soon. The door opened and there stood his mother and father, still angry about what had happened, and no Sirius to take it out on. Regulus squared his shoulders, and said, voice shaky but firm, “He’s gone. I won’t tell you where. You can’t hurt him anymore.”
His mother’s eyes darkened, and his father smiled, manic and dangerous. Later, as Regulus cried from his mother reopening the scars she made, he would think of that moment and feel proud. He didn’t do a lot these days that he was proud of. But this was one that no one could take from him. His brother was safe. It was that simple.
—--------------
Regulus’ life was anything but simple now.
It was the summer before seventh year, and his parents just informed him that he would be taking the Dark Mark before the break was up.
He wanted to fight it, but, as if sensing this, his parents informed him that if he didn’t take it, they would drag Sirius back and force him to. And Regulus didn’t know a lot of things, but he knew his brother. And Sirius would die before letting that happen. So now he was stuck. He knew what he had to do. He had to take the mark. It was him or Sirius, and he would do anything for Sirius. He knew this. He knew he had no choice. But as he was standing in front of the Dark Lord, arm out ready to receive the mark, he hesitated.
Did he really want this? Throwing his life away just to save his idiot brother? But then again, he thought, didn’t I already? As soon as I pushed him through the floo to the Potter’s I did just that. Chose him over me. Sealed my fate. So this doesn’t really matter, because I never had a life after that to throw away anyways. With that decided, he looked up at the dangerously handsome face of the Dark Lord and said, “I’m ready, my Lord.”
He smiled, and then pressed the tip of his wand to Regulus’ arm, and it took all his concentration to not flinch away or scream out as white hot pain erupted like fire from where the wand touched.
Once it was done, and Regulus was left alone in the drawing room, he looked down at the inky black tattoo marking him as property. But it didn’t matter. He made his choice long ago. His life for Sirius’. It was that simple.
—---------------------
Ironically it was as he was drowning, being dragged down and mauled by inferi, that he finally finished that poem he had started all those years ago.
Water is shifting,
I feel as if I’m drifting
You tell me to be cautious
As if my life was something precious
I tell you the tide is low
You still insist I go slow
As if there’s something I don’t know
Water is rising,
You don’t find that surprising
I continue to walk forward
Up to my waist now, your shouts can’t be heard
The tide pulls me under
Too late I realize my blunder
Water fills my lungs, breathe escaping
I can’t help my body from shaking
My last thoughts are of you
I hope you don’t hate me too.