She still loves her sister. She doesn’t think anything could ever get her to stop loving her sister, but there are things she will never be able to forgive. “Forget and forgive”, Shakespear wrote, but Lily can’t forget, therefore she cannot forgive. The memories of her abuse will stay with her forever, haunting every good memory she might create. When she looks to a friend, a parent, a lover, she won’t look with love and trust, she’ll look with apprehension and fear.
Petunia meant everything to Lily. She was her big sister, the person she was meant to look up to, the person she was supposed to turn to in times of crisis. Lily was supposed to be able to trust Petunia.
More than that, their parents were supposed to stop anything bad from ever happening between them. Instead, they fostered a hostile environment that encouraged competition. Mother was the worst, always pushing them both to do better than the other. Father was too silent, a bystander to the abuse.
Petunia had been everything they wanted in a daughter; athletic, smart, pretty, and Lily had been the second child, the one they could blame for everyone’s problems. She’d been an accident, not a child they wanted or planned for, and that gave them every right to mistreat her.
She’d accepted her role as second child, and it ceased to affect her. She was happy for Petunia’s accomplishments, and everything was okay. Petunia still loved her, still loved being an older sister, and that was all Lily needed. Really, she only needed her sister, that's all.
The letter came in early June, telling Lily that she was a witch and would be attending a magical school. She thought that, if not her mum and dad, Petunia would be excited for her, happy for Lily’s accomplishment. She hadn’t been. Petunia had been outraged. Demanded to know why Lily was ‘special’ and she wasn’t. Petunia grew angry and resentful, and there was nothing Lily could do to stop it. Her parents might have been able to stop it, ease the anger a little, but they didn’t care enough to try.
Petunia took to telling her how much of a freak she is. She spent years convincing her that she was adopted. Telling Lily that she couldn’t be an Evans because none of the other Evans’ were freaks, and she couldn’t bear the thought of having a dirty bloodline. She spent hours telling Lily how much she wished Lily had never been born. Even went as far as to say that Lily should die, whether it be by divine intervention or suicide.
For years Petunia would scream at her, throw things, hit her. She’d do anything to hurt Lily the way she hurt inside.
It didn’t take long for Lily to realise that Petunia was processing in the only way she could. Anger was the only way emotions had ever been shown in their house before. It didn’t make it okay, but it helped to know that it had nothing to do with…. no. Wait.
It hurt. A lot. To hear the things she did, to feel the anger Petunia held for her. Nothing could ever make that not hurt. Lily had been mature enough to know not to hurt people because she was angry or frustrated, why didn’t Petunia? Petunia is older, wiser, she should have known better, and she hadn’t. She had done everything she could to make sure Lily was hurting too, and that isn’t okay.
Why didn’t anyone stop it? Was Lily so unimportant that nobody cared that she was being hurt? Kids get help all the time because their parents hurt them, was Petunia hurting her so different? But that doesn’t make sense because teachers help when one kid is bullying another.
Why was Lily the only one that didn’t matter?
She had so many questions that would never go answered because things are always different for Lily. Nobody cared if she was getting hurt. Nobody cared that her parents didn’t love her. Nobody cared to listen when she said no.
Nobody cared.
It’s not fair, but that’s how it is for people like Lily. The police won’t get involved because it’s not a parent hurting a child, it’s just two sisters fighting. That’s normal. The teachers won’t get involved because it’s not one child bullying another, it’s too girls getting catty. That’s what's expected of them. Girls are mean, sisters fight. That is how the world works. Sisters always fight when they’re young, they’ll grow out of it.
So, no, she can’t forget and she can’t forgive, but that doesn’t stop the love from sticking around. Petunia has done unspeakable things, but Lily still loves her anyways because that’s who she is. She won’t stop loving her parents, or her sister, and that’s just something she has to live with.
Love is not easily forgotten.