Burnt Out Star
Your a burden, Regulus. No one wants you.
His Mothers words ring throughout his head. He'd prefer to think that it wasn't those words that pushed him over the edge.
Regulus was tired. His whole life revolved around being perfect for his Mother and Father and now Sirius wasn't here to help him. What was the point of all of this? He tries so hard to satisfy his parents if not to protect himself, but what happens next? He spends the rest of his life doing whatever his parents demand? He either wastes his whole life or dies in that house?
He'd rather be in control of his own life.
He wouldn't need much for this trip. He picked up a bag and shoved in some paper, a pen, and the bear Sirius gifted Regulus for his 5th birthday.
Regulus had always known he was made for a short life. He'd never planned for the future. Something in him knew it was meant to be like this.
He didn't know where he was going to go, but he wanted to die some place pretty. He slipped out the window and began walking down the street. This would usually be the part where he would look at all the neighbors houses and remember his childhood, but of course, that did not have a good effect for Regulus. So, instead, he thought about the things that mattered. His friends. He'd told Barty they would get through this terrible childhood together. He'd told Pandora he'd be okay, and they would see each other next school year. He'd told all his friends he'd see them next school year. A promise so simple, so mindless it's hardly a promise. It's just something you say. And yet, Regulus still broke it. Regulus was never very good at keeping promises.
He thinks about his parents. This would certainly be the most petty thing he'd ever do. Die at sixteen simply not be controlled by his parents. Well, it was a bit more complex than that, but still. They could never hurt him again.
He thinks about his brother. Sirius. Would Sirius miss him? he could never be sure. Regulus loved Sirius. He'd never say that out loud, and he'd usually not even dare to think it, but he allows it just this once. Sirius had ran away last winter. Sirius sent him letters, but Regulus wasn't able to respond. The only reason he knew about them was because he'd managed to get his hands on one once, but his father caught him. He'd begged his parents to allow him to send just one letter. But they didn't listen. They never did. All they did was get mad. They always do.
So, Regulus didn't get to reply to a single letter. Once school came around, his parents promised they would ruin his and Sirius' life if he tried to talk to him, with the exception of insulting him. He knew they meant it. They would have all the other pureblood families kids watching.
Regulus couldn't risk that. Slowly, but surely, he pushed Sirius away. He would ignore him, only interacting with him to say some sort of rude remark, and it worked. Sirius assumed that Regulus was a lost cause. Just another Black. It hurt, but it kept Sirius safe. And, quite frankly, Regulus was mad. Sirius left. Sure, Regulus knew he wouldn't be able to go, but he needed Sirius. He needed his brother, and he left him.
He doesn't want to think about that, though. He thinks about the happier memories. The childhood memories with Sirius. All the small things they would do to rebel against their parents. All the stories they made up. The good things.
He doesn't know how long he walked, just that this was the right place.
It was a lake with a bridge going over it, leading to a trail into the forest. There were white and yellow flowers all around. It was a nice place. Calm. He walked across the bridge and sat by a tree. He pulled out the paper and pen. He wasn't sure what he wanted to write. A message to the world? A suicide note? If So, to everyone or individual letters?
after a while, found himself drawing the scene. It was a beautiful area. he would like to be remembered by it.
Then, he wrote notes. Nothing too long or sappy, he just didn't want his last words to everyone to be "See you next summer," or, for Sirius, "Fuck you." What can he say? He's a Black, if he's going to die, he's going to be dramatic about it.
He stacks all the papers neatly, and then leans them up against the tree. Then, he takes out the bear, sitting it next to the papers. He'd always pictured dying with it. Sirius would laugh if he knew Regulus wanted to die with a silly teddy bear. Maybe that was part of the reason he did it.
He stands up, observing his work. good enough, he thinks. He turns around and faces the lake. He'd always loved the water, though he was never the strongest swimmer. Surely no one would find him here.
The coldness hits his ankles as he takes a few steps into the water, and the moment really hits him. This is it, this is his whole life. Just sixteen worthless years. Soon enough, everyone would forget him. The world would continue to spin. Nothing would change, and if anything did, then it would be for the better. This was all he was. A burnt out star.
It's better this way, he reassured himself. He took one last deep breath before submerging the rest of the way into the water. He only had to push himself a bit deeper before he lost control. He really never was a great swimmer.
Hopefully Pandora won't stop painting even when he's not there.
He takes a breath, his lungs burning as they fill with water. He hopes Remus will find someone else to talk about literature with in the library.
He looks up at the surface of the water, the moonlight shining in. It's quite pretty. It's a bit hard to appreciate when you're drowning, though.
He hopes Sirius will be fine. He has James. that's all he needs.
That's the last thing he thinks about before inviting the darkness in as he begins to drift away from reality.
Dear Barty,
Sorry we couldn't get through it together. I really did try. I was never meant for this world, but you were.
You will do great things. You can do it without me. I know you may be mad, but i hope some day you might forgive me.
Or forget me. Whichever is easier.
R.A.B
~
Dear Evan,
Sorry i spilled hot tea on you on the last day of school. Not a very cool goodbye, but it was pretty funny.
I would ask you to keep Barty under control since i won't be able to and you're closest to him, but your almost just as bad.
So i guess just keep being chaotic?
But really, you're a great friend. Don't stop being yourself. Keep being weirdly obsessive over science, i guess.
Don't miss me too much. You'll be better off without me.
R.A.B
~
Dear Dorcas,
You are probably the most badass person I have ever met, so keep doing that.
You were one of the main people who helped me see how messed up my parents veiw of the world is.
I don't know who i'd be without you, so thanks.
Sorry you won't have me for quidditch anymore, I'm not sure how you'll find a decent seeker..
Maybe you'd keep an eye on Barty and Evan for me? Someone needs to make sure they don't burn Hogwarts down.
I'm not very good with all this sentimental shit, but you really are an amazing quidditch player.
I truly believe you will do something great one day, quidditch or not, it'll be awesome.
Whatever you do, think of me while you do it. i'd be honored.
R.A.B
~
Pandora,
I'm sorry. I know you tried to help me and i promise it worked. you did as much as you could. Thank you.
Never stop making art, you are really talented.
You're also brilliant. I think you have great potential. You can take on the world. I'm sorry i couldn't.
I hope one day you will forget me. Mostly, at least. Maybe you will see a black cat and remember me, like a distant Memory. I really do love them.
I am just a fraction of your life, and you have so much more to do.
Maybe that was my purpose. To befriend you. And Barty, and Evan, and Dorcas.
Wherever i go, I'll miss you. Maybe you can find it in you to not miss me, but to accept the time we had and that it would have always ended up like this.
R.A.B
~
Remus,
Sorry we'll never get the chance to talk about that book you gave me. It was really good.
Thank you for being my friend, even when I would never admit it, and even when Sirius hated me and i hated him.
I never did hate him, not truly. It was just easier to pretend.
You're good for him. Please don't hurt him.
R.A.B
~
Sirius,
I'm not really sure what to write because i don't know how you will feel about this. But i want you to know i never hated you.
I know you sent letters. Mother and Father never let me see or respond to any.
When i went back to school, they told me they would ruin both our lives if I tried being close to you again. So i pushed you away. I'm sorry.
And yes, i was a bit mad, but i suppose i have to forgive you now.
You can have the bear back. I really loved him.
I'm sorry we lost so much time. Maybe in another life, the universe is a bit nicer.
I'm sorry i could never be a good brother, but i'm glad you have James. I always hated him because you liked him so much, but I suppose i'm grateful for him now.
Tell him i say thanks.
I've told everyone to try and forget me, but i don't want you to forget me.
I wish you really knew me. I wish you had the real me to remember.
Maybe you'll talk to my friends. Or maybe you'll talk to Remus. Or maybe you'll be mad at me and not care to know.
Whatever you decide to do, please don't forget me.
I'll be in the stars.
I love you.
Reggie
~
Mother and Father,
Fuck you. you were never in control.
R.A.B