Chapter 1
He ran away from that house, away from Godric's Hollow, utterly devastated by what he’d seen.
James
Lily
On de ground
Dead
James and Lily were dead and it was, partially but still, Sirius’ fault. He knew that. Everyone knew that.
Sirius blamed himself for their deaths and knew everyone else would, because they don’t know about Peter being a godforsaken little shit that betrayed them.
All of them.
But the rest of the people, they didn’t know. They thought it was Sirius who betrayed James and Lily. And honestly, Sirius felt that way as well. After all, he gave them the advice to switch to Peter, he made them make a decision that in the end cost them their lives.
And other people would blame him too, of course they would. He was part of the Noble house of Black, after all.
So, he had to flee his house and find somewhere to be safe. The thing was, he had nowhere to go.
His first thought, of course, was James. Some part of him still hoped James was alive and Sirius wasn’t sure whether that was denial or the fact that losing James would mean losing himself.
But James was dead, Sirius had seen him, his brother, his ride or die, he was dead.
They would never ever laugh together again and at this moment, Sirius doubted if he would ever even laugh at all.
Lily was dead as well. She could’ve survived, but she didn’t. She died rather that to let her son die, she gave her life saving Harry’s and it might seem selfish, but Sirius wished she hadn’t.
Lily had given her life, saving Harry’s, ruining Sirius’.
Effie and Monty, James’ parents, weren’t an option to go to as well. They died a couple of weeks ago from ‘dragon pox’, but all of Sirius’ friends (at least the ones that were still alive) knew it was Dumbledore who killed them. Not in person of course, no Dumbledore had planned this all out like a mastermind.
For a moment, he thought he could just go back to his and Remus’ apartment, but of course he couldn’t, Remus most likely already knew what happened and he would never ever forgive Sirius for this.
Sirius’ last resort was his parents’ house. Not the best choice, but there wasn’t any other and it was better than Azkaban at least.
So he went to his parents’ house and knocked on the door.
“Regulus, don’t be so goddamn loud for Merlin's sake!'' His darling mother screamed from inside before sobbing so loud Sirius could hear it from outside the house (Sirius was surprised by the fact his mother could actually feel something that wasn’t hate), and then opened the door. She was not happy to see Sirius, and he already prepared himself for the worst.
“Oh, right. You. What is it? Ran away, felt sorry, killed your best friend and now beg me for forgiveness? At least I taught you something in all those years you were my miserable son, but no. Go away and don’t show up again” Walburga said in the coldest and meanest voice Sirius had ever heard in all those years he had lived with this piece of shit.
But even though he was used to it, it somehow still hurt and Sirius didn’t know why, he really didn’t know why. He tried his hardest and still, still it wasn’t enough.
Walburga didn’t even give him a chance to explain himself, but that wasn’t even the worst part. She said he’d killed his best friend, but he hadn’t.
He hadn’t killed James, he was sure of it. Or well, not so sure anymore.
It’s weird, but no matter how much you hate your parents it always feels as if what they say might be the truth. Just because they are your parents, because they told you they knew better than you so many times you start to believe them and question yourself.
Had he killed James?
Was it his fault James was dead?
He was walking around to… no idea where, crying about nothing and everything at the same time.
He killed James, he was sure now. It was his fault.
His fault
His fault
His fault
Not his fault, not his fault, not his fault, not his fault, not his fault. It was Peter’s fault and not his. It was Voldemort who killed him.
It scared Sirius how easily he thought of Voldemort as ‘just’ Voldemort, not of ‘You-Know-Who’ or ‘He who must not be named’ and it took him a while before he realised that was because he actually had no reason to be afraid anymore.
There wasn’t really anything Voldemort could take from him, right? Remus would never forgive him, James and Lily were dead, Regulus was dead. His whole world was dead and Peter betrayed them all.
His whole world was dead and Sirius somehow still felt like it was his fault, like he could’ve still saved them somehow even though he somewhere knew he couldn’t.
And then he saw him. Peter. The filthy little traitor rat.
He had to kill him.
He wanted him dead and honestly, he couldn’t care less that Peter was once his friend. Peter wasn’t Peter anymore and if the old Peter wasn’t there anymore, neither should the ‘new’ Peter.
Peter saw Sirius too. He smiled coldly, Sirius didn’t even see a glimpse of Peter’s old smile in it.
“James and Lily are dead because of you! You betrayed them!” Peter yelled at him.
Sirius was so fed up in anger that he already said a curse before he noticed someone next to Peter, and there had already been an explosion before he realised it was Remus.
On the ground was a finger, and a rat. A rat, missing a finger.
The dirty fucking rat was Peter. Peter was there.
But Sirius didn’t see Remus and he started to panic. Peter must’ve blown them all up, including Remus.
Remus must’ve been dead.
“Remus?” He tried to yell, but he was silenced by aurors.
Luckily for him, he did see Remus. And he thought he was lucky enough to hear his voice.
Well, it’s what you call luck.
“I thought you were sorry. I truly thought you were sorry about the prank. Weren’t you sorry? Is this just another prank? Sirius I’m done with you. And I’m done with the fact that for some reason, you always have to kill someone for those stupid pranks and I’m done with how you always have to hurt me. I don’t hope they kill you, Sirius. I hope they send you to Azkaban, I hope they leave you alone with nothing but this, with nothing but hurt and maybe, maybe you’ll feel a bit of how much you hurt me” Remus said and for the first time in his life, Sirius heard nothing but anger in Remus’ voice.
And he saw tears, he saw sadness in Remus’ eyes.
He was going to Azkaban, and he was gonna escape. For Remus, for Moony.
There was no home anymore, but even a mad Remus was someone to turn to in the end.