Regulus stares at the pile of undone essays on top of his bed. He should’ve done them one hour ago, but he was far too tired for it. Now, he thinks he should’ve done them. Everyone is going to think that he was dumb, and he really didn’t want that. He knows that his dorm is going to be a museum of “the youngest Black’s things”, so everyone is going to see it. Not that he could ever bring himself to care.
He opens the door, and walks slowly to the astronomy tower. It was weird to be there, when he was in it only two hours ago for his last class of the day. Now, it was empty, and in complete silence. He’s glad no one is there, because it would be too embarrassing to find someone in there.
Sitting on the balcony, he stares at the stars. He finds Sirius, and somewhy, he cries. He sobs, he screams. He’s pissed at Sirius for abandoning him, he’s pissed at Barty and Evan for leaving their dorm when they knew Regulus was feeling like shit, he’s pissed at himself for not noticing it earlier. He’s pissed at the world, and the world is pissed at him.
He doesn’t know for how long he stayed there, just screaming with the stars. When he’s over, he’s completely exhausted.
He grabs his blade, the blade Bellatrix gave him (“It’s good for torture.”, with a mad smile.), and makes the first cut. It’s on his wrist, of course, because he’s not original. And then he makes the second, and third, and fourth, until he loses the count.
The only thing Regulus can see is red. Red, because of his madness, the Black madness. Red, because of his own blood. Red, because of the gryffindor tie in James’ clothes. Red, because of-
“We’ll be alright, okay? We’ll be just fine. Just stay awake for a little bit more, can you do this for me?” He hears James’ panicked voice, and then feels his body being lifted. “I’m taking you to Pomfrey, alright? She will know what to do. I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier, Reg. I thought you wanted some time alone. I- I didn’t think this would happen. If I knew it, I’d never leave you alone.” He knows James is panicking, but he can’t do anything. He can’t look him in the eyes and tell him it’s not his fault, he can’t say that he also didn’t see it coming, he can’t comfort James. It’s so, so scary to know that he can’t help James, so he sobs. “Reg! Yes! I knew you were alive. Okay, we’re getting to Pomfrey already, so, don’t sleep, okay? Stay with me. I need you.”
He knows it’s not true. He knows it’s not true that James needs him, but it’s somewhat comforting. Comforting to know that James still thinks about him, even after the fight. Comforting to know that someone remembers that he exists. Comforting to know that he’s not invisible anymore.
As soon as he opens his eyes, he regrets it. The room is too bright and there’s way too much noise. His vision is blurry, and he can’t tell who’s there.
“Just SHUT THE FUCK UP. He woke up.” He hears Barty saying, and he knows that he’s with that mad look of his. “Hey, Reg. How are you? Pretty dumb what you did there.” Regulus opens his mouth to speak, but when he does, nothing goes out. His throat is dry, and he can’t see water. Evan, who now shows up, gets the cup, saying “aguamenti” while handing it to Regulus.
“Hey, star.” It’s the only thing he says, and he looks incredibly sad. It makes Regulus himself feel bad, because he knows it’s his fault.
He drinks the water slowly, trying to see if there’s someone else in the room with them, but when he doesn’t see anyone, he puts the cup on his side, and for the first time, looks his friends in the eye. They look like shit.
“So, what happened up there, star? I thought you were better.” Evan says, playing with the locs in his hair. “We did something?”
“No, no. You guys were amazing. I just… I don't know what happened. I just felt the impulse, and suddenly, I was there.” Regulus says, quietly. He knows (thinks) there’s no one with them, but nothing is impossible.
“It’s alright, Reg. We can figure it out, just don’t scare us like that again, huh?” Barty says, as he plays with his tongue. He does this since they were in first year, and Regulus never understood why he did it. He just did, and it was natural.
“It’s not fucking alright, B. I’m sorry, Reg, but we can’t do this shit anymore. You have to get better. It’s not the first time you scare us like that, and I fear that it’s not going to be the last time. Please, let us help you. Please .” Evan begs, and Barty stays quiet. They’re in complete silence, until Regulus breaks it.
“I’m sorry.”
“What?” Evan freezes.
“I’m sorry, is that what you want? I’m sorry.” He knows he’s being harsh. He knows he’s being rude. He knows he’s ‘barking’, as Siirus would say. He knows it, but he can’t stop.
“Reg, it’s-” Rosy starts, but before he can finish it, they hear Madam Pomfrey.
“Oh, boys! Regulus woke up, that’s good. How are you feeling, hun?” She asks, carefully. Regulus notices that she sounds scared, or maybe just sad. “I can make you a pain potion if it’s too bad.”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay. Please, come to my office once you three are done. I have to do the check out.” She says, as she walks away. Very slowly, Regulus might add.
“Go.” Barty says, as he gets up and looks at Evan, then nodding his head to the door. Evan agrees, and before Regulus gets to say something, they leave. He’s alone with madam Pomfrey, and he knows it’s going to take a while to get out.
“Okay, I think we’re done.” She finally says, after one hour or two. Regulus gets up and grabs the doorknob, but before he leaves, she adds; “Regulus? Who do you want me to talk about this with?”
“Don’t tell anyone.”
“That’s not how it works, my boy. I have to talk with a responsible person of yours, but Sirius once told me your parents aren’t that great. I’ll let you choose who you want me to talk about it with.” She says, slowly. He noticed, in the past hours, that she’s a very calm person. Annoyingly calm.
“Sirius.” He says, after he gets to think. He wants to hit his head against the nearest wall as soon as he hears himself. He leaves the room, before he gets to say another dumb thing. God, he needs to find Pandora.
In the end, he did not, in fact, find Pandora. What he found was a lot worse.
“Regulus? Is that you?” James Fleamont motherfucking Potter says, as Regulus looks for Pandora in the library. He’s with the Marauders, because of course he didn’t have the brain to call Regulus when they were alone. “God, it really is you. How did Madam Pomfrey let you leave so early?” He says, and Sirius looks up.
“Madam Pomfrey?” He asks.
“Yeah I-” James starts, but then he notices what he’s about to say.
“No, James. He’s going to find out anyway. I- I asked Madam Pomfrey to tell him. As my responsible person.” Regulus says, hating himself for stuttering. Remus looks up for the first time, and whispers something to Peter, who leaves right after.
“Responsible person? What’s going on right now? Since when do you two talk?” Sirius says, getting up and walking over Regulus. He looks angry, and Regulus has his hypothesis on why he’s mad.
“We don’t. He found me in a critical situation and took me to Pomfrey, nothing else.” He says, and sees James frowns. That man can’t hide any emotion he feels, and this is still going to fuck him up one day. “Now, Sirius, I think you may want to talk with Pomfrey. Potter won’t know how to explain it.”
“Regulus, I want you to explain it. What the hell were you doing with Pomfrey? What happened?” Sirius puts his hands on Regulus’ shoulder, and he winces. Of fucking course, Sirius put his hands on top of his newly made scars.
“C’mon, Sirius. Let’s just go to Pomfrey.” Remus says, looking at Regulus. Regulus always seemed to dislike Remus, because he always saw too much. Regulus felt naked around Lupin, almost as if Remus knew all his secrets without even trying.
“What? No! I want him to tell me. We never talk, and when we do, it’s because he made ME his responsible person? It’s not fucking fair. James?” He says, looking for support. James seems lost, and he probably is. He never had to lie to Sirius, and now he has - unless he wants Regulus hex him.
“Sirius I-”
“No, James. No. Please, don’t do this. Tell me what the fuck happened, tell me what’s happening now. I need to know.” Sirius pleads, and it’s unfair. Because no one can resist seeing Sirius sad. Everyone wants the brightest star to shine.
“Regulus tried to kill himself.” James says fastly, and it takes everyone around ten seconds to understand what he said.
“James! What the fuck?” Regulus yells. “You- What- What made you think it was YOUR place to tell him that?”
“I found you! It makes it my place to tell him, since I can’t close my fucking eyes without seeing you all bloodied on the floor!”
“You found him WHAT?” Sirius says, finally recovering. He looks terrified, really. Nothing could prepare Regulus for how Sirius looks, and nothing could prepare Sirius for this information. “NOW you have to tell me, Regulus! What the hell happened? This- All of this is wrong! Fucking wrong, okay?” Sirius says, and for one second, just one second, he sees Walburga; He can see her screaming after Sirius ran away, when she was desperately trying to bring him back.
“Guys.” Lupin says, bringing all the attention to him. “Let’s talk about this somewhere else, okay? I think we’re getting attention here.” He looks around, and that’s when Regulus notices Severus and Mulciber whispering while looking at them.
“Alright.” Sirius says, harshly.
As soon as the dorm’s door is closed, Sirius starts to scream.
“Regulus, explain it! What happened? How did it happen? Why did it happen?” All Regulus could think was how similar Sirius and Walburga were. How Sirius screamed just like Walburga, the exact same words.
“Sirius, stop. You’re scaring him.” Remus says, sitting on his bed, then tapping it. When Regulus notices, Sirius and Remus are sitting on Remus’ bed, while Regulus and James are on Sirius’. “Let’s do this like civilized people, alright? Regulus, you know Sirius won’t stop until you tell him what happened, so, please, can you tell us? I can leave if you want.”
“No. Remus is staying.” Sirius says, quietly.
“It’s not your choice to make.”
“Alright! Let’s not fight.” Remus says. “What if me and Regulus go talk alone somewhere else while James and Sirius talk here? Then, we won’t fight. Or I hope that we won’t.
“Okay.”
“ Sure .” Sirius says.
James doesn’t say anything, but he nods while staring at the floor.
“Regulus, I hate this just as much as you, okay? Remusa says, when they finally get in front of the lake. It was still autumn, so the weather outside was cold. Regulus grabbed one of Remus sweaters before getting out, because if he didn’t, he would freeze.
“Are you sure you do? Because I hate it a lot.”
“It’s not like I’m loving to see that you tried to kill yourself, so, yes. I hate it a lot.” Remus sits down, with his legs on the floor, full of brown and orange leaves.
“Such a delicate way to say it.” Regulus says as well, playing with the hem in his sweater. He and Remus would talk every once in a while, since they were in the same book club. He, Lily, Pandora, Remus, Emmeline Vance and some other people were there. It was nice, but Remus stopped going because of his OWL’s.
“There’s no delicate way to say it, Regulus. You tried to kill yourself, and that’s insanely tragic. I can’t put rainbows and unicorns to make it sound nicer, because it won’t.”
“Insanely tragic? That’s a bit dramatic.”
“Maybe. I spent way too much time with Sirius, I probably am more dramatic now.” He shrugs, and looks at the lake. It’s a nice view. “Reg, can you tell me what happened?”
“Are you going to tell Sirius?”
“Only the important part.”
“Okay.” Regulus takes some deep breaths before talking. “I’m sick, Remus. I’m sick to the bone. I’ve been sick since second year, and sometimes it goes away. But it always comes back, and nothing ever changes. I- This isn’t the first time. The only difference is that who found me, took me to Pomfrey.”
“Who found you the first time?”
“Evan. He helped me to clean the mess, then helped me to get better. He and Barty were, still are, the best friends I could ever ask for. They help me every time I get bad, and they just… they’re so nice to me.”
“I’m glad you have them, Reg.”
“Me too.”
“Why- Why did you do it?”
“I don’t know. It was after a fight I had with… my partner. They want me to go away, to run away from home, but I can’t. They don’t understand, and they won’t. We aren’t good for each other, we’ll only end up hurt. I think we both know it. I thought about it last night, and I didn’t want my partner to be hurt any longer. So, I thought- you know.” Regulus says, and whoever told you that talking about feelings is good for you, lied. Because it made Regulus feel dirty. It made him feel like he didn’t deserve James. And he probably didn’t.
“It’s a complicated situation, but dying isn’t the answer, Regulus. It’ll never be.” Lupin says, after a while of silence. Regulus thinks he doesn't know what he’s talking about, but then remembers that that’s probably how Remus felt while hearing him speak.
“I know.”
“Do you?” And then, they’re quiet. They don’t speak when Regulus gets up. They don’t speak when Remus leads the way to his dorm. They only speak when they’re in the door.
“Are you ready?” Lupin asks.
“No. But does it matter?”
“No.” It’s what he needs to open the door. James is writing something, but Regulus doesn’t know what. Sirius is staring at the floor, emotionless. Remus walks over Sirius, and sits on his side. He whispers something, and Sirius whispers back. It feels intrusive to watch this moment, it feels so personal . So intimate.
“C’mon, it’s our time to talk.” Sirius says, grabbing his leather jacket and leaving the room, with Regulus just behind him.
When they get to the lake - again -, the first thing they do is sit down, the same way they would do when they were young. When Sirius was seven, and Regulus was six, they would sit in complete silence, Regulus with his head on top of Sirius legs, and Sirius playing with Regulus’ hair. It was natural, it was their nature.
“I’m sorry.” It’s what Regulus says.
“What happened there?”
“I think you already know, don’t you?”
“Yes, but I want to know it from you.” Sirius starts to make mini braids on Regulus hair.
“I tried to kill myself.”
“Oh! No shit?”
“I’m sorry, okay? I already said that.” Regulus is barking again, he knows it. He’s sure of it. There’s just way too much rage between the Black brothers, too much history that can’t be forgotten or forgiven.
“For fuck’s sake, Regulus. Talk to me. Just like you used to, just like we used to. Just like we did before everything happened.” Sirius says, and both of them know it won’t be just like it used to be. Sirius is a Potter now, and Regulus is a Black. They’re different. They’re incompatible.
“It’s not your fault, Six. You know it.”
“Then who’s fault is it?”
“No one 's. You can’t blame one because of someone’s suicide, it’s not how it works.”
“How does it work? I want to understand, Reg. I want to understand you.”
“I also don’t know how it works, I just know you can’t spend one year away and hope that things will be like before. We changed Six. In one year, we changed more than we could’ve in one entire life. It’s not fair that you want me to do all the work, you know me better than that.”
“We can try.”
“Do you want to?”
“Of course, Reg.”
They stay in silence for a while, just hearing the background noise. There’s nothing to say. There’s too much to say. There aren’t enough words to say it.
“Don’t say you’re sorry.”
“What?”
“It’s what you were going to say. Don’t say it. I know it. I want to know more than that, but, if you don’t want to tell me, then I won’t force you. Just promise to tell me if you get bad again, and I’ll try to help.”
“Okay.”