"FOR FUCK SAKE" Regulus screamed, giving vent to his emotions. He came close to stamping his foot like some angry little brat.
He'd been reading up all afternoon about the Patronus spell to be able to do it because of course the professor had made up this assignment if Regulus wanted to up his grade.
He couldn't think of anything else. No, what for. To make Regulus' life easier? Well, of course not.
So Regulus was angry because he already did a lot approaches and none were effective. He needed it for Monday, he didn't have time for failures.
He had read from cover to cover all the books that described and talked about this spell, and he could do it, he was a good and successful young wizard.
He should be able to deal with something so trivial.
So why couldn't he conjure a Patronus?
Why couldn't he cast that spell?
Regulus wasn't a failure or a disappointment, such a small thing wouldn't stop him from achieving high academic results.
Regulus has always been good at everything he does straight away, he was a gifted child.
Good grades were not an achievement for him, they were a requirement, he could not slip up, he could not lower his academic achievements.
Deep breath.
Now it will surely work.
Deep breath.
Think about a memory.
He tried to pick out some from his childhood, but he didn't have many.
Thanks mom, thanks dad, he snorted sarcastically.
The happy thing about his childhood is...
Sirius.
Okay. He recalled his first memory ever, Sirius holds him in his arms, looking at him with curiosity and something like love (like a two-year-old would).
"Expecto Patronum!" Not even a silver flame.
Maybe it's because he was too young to know what joy is.
Next one.
Regulus is two years old running into the arms of Sirius, older brother hugs him.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Nothing.
Maybe it was because he was running to Sirius crying because his mom had yelled at him.
Next.
A three-year-old boy is playing hide-and-seek with his brother, it's a fun activity.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Nothing.
Maybe it was because they were hiding from their angry parents.
Next.
Five-year-old Regulus gets ice cream after lunch. A happy memory.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Nothing.
Maybe because later when his parents found out they made him eat them all at once and it was too much and too cold and he cried because his head hurt.
Next one. He won't give up.
Regulus lies under the blanket and Sirius reads him a fairy tale.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Nothing.
It's probably because they were interrupted before they got to the end, the book ended up on fire and Sirius ended up with bruises. Regulus never knew the ending.
Next.
Seven-year-old Regulus chases butterflies in the garden, Sirius helps him, they catch them and watch their colorful wings.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Nothing.
It's probably because when they caught another in their hands their mother seeing it and how happy they are with how big smiles they look at each other, she decided to destroy it, she quickly turned beautiful colorful butterflies into hairy disgusting spiders. The boys screamed in fear.
Next one. This time it must succeed, this is the eighth attempt.
The boys, together with their cousins, plot a dance routine, with the help of Belatrix, they do the whole choreography, Sirius and Regulus giggle. They dress in glittery costumes and are ready to perform their dance to others.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Nothing.
"Fuck!"
Maybe it's because thier mother, as soon as she saw them, (they didn't even get a chance to start dancing) she made their costumes catch fire that burned their skin. "This is not an outfit suitable for boys," she informed sharply.
Okay, okay, next one.
Something really good and happy.
Quiditch, something Regulus loved. It must be good. It must work. Sirius taught him to fly on a broom.
Reggie was nine years old when he first sat on a broom and took to the air with Sirius. He was so happy as he felt the wind in his hair.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Nothing.
Because his mother broke his fingers so that he wouldn't get on a broom until the end of the year. He was too young, she argued.
Okay. Next one.
He's ten years old, not many happy things happened when he was ten. Sirius left for Hogwarts and he was left alone. Hm. He really enjoyed looking at the stars. In the stars they were still close to each other, together in the sky. He liked the stars.
Maybe the night he looked up at the night sky from the roof of their house is a good memory.
"Expecto Patronum!"
It is not.
Because Regulus practically spent the whole night crying for his older brother.
Okay. Maybe Sirius was a bad choice, they didn't talk anymore, they didn't have a good relationship, so every memory of him will end in failure and something bad. So enough about his brother.
Maybe now...
eleven years old...
hogwarts...
his friends.
Okay.
Regulus did not meet any children on the train, he was quiet, shy and awkward, but when a boy with a wide smile sat at Slytherin table in the great hall next to Regulus and smiled widely at him, his first friendship developed quickly. This boy was Barty Crouch Jr. Regulus' first friend. Maybe that's it.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Yes it does!
It has a faint silver light. It's not much, it's not enough, but it's there, he moved forward.
All right.
He's twelve years old and there's a pillow fight in his Slytherin dormitory. He Barty and Evan. They laugh merrily.
"Expecto Patronum!"
It's still just a faint shadow of silver.
Okay next. It's getting closer.
He is thirteen and Pandora gives him a friendship bracelet. Maybe that will be it, that happy memory. He denies saying he doesn't wear jewelry so she wants to take it back then but Regulus protests and promises to wear it forever.
"Expecto Patronum!"
He has it! He did it!
It's not a corporeal Patronus, it's a silver mist, a light shield, but it's here. It's not a 100% success, but success indeed.
He has to try a little harder and maybe he'll succeed.
Maybe he should go back to Quiditch, he loves it after all.
Okay.
He's in his fourth year when the Seeker position becomes vacant and he applies to the team. They takes him in and he's finally part of the team. He's a great player and people admire him.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Again he receives a silvery mist. He gets nothing more.
He needs something happier.
Okay maybe...
Regulus was fifteen when he passed the year with the highest scores in the history of this school and the Headmaster congratulated him face to face they shook hands, he received his diploma and all. Feel appreciated.
"Expecto Patronum!"
But it didn't help, it's like he's gone backwards. Again, just a ray of silver.
Okay. Last try. Last year to use.
This year his friends got back together, Evan and Barty were finally together and Dorcas went on a date with Marlene. He was very happy and proud of his friends.
"Expecto Patronum!"
But maybe that happiness must have affected him directly because it didn't work. Maybe it has to be closely related to him.
He feels like crying.
He can't come up with anything else. He's broken. Tears gather in his eyes.
Is he really so broken that he can't have a sufficiently strong good memory?
Why does every good memory of him end in something unpleasant?
Why?
"Hey, are you okay?" Regulus doesn't look up as he hears a familiar voice.
James Potter stands over Regulus' thin body and looks at him worriedly. He spotted him in a corner of the library and decided to approach him because the boy seemed to be... depressed. James wanted to see if he could help.
"I am" Regulus answered confidently, his voice streaked with tears and trembling.
"Oh sorry, but you're crying" James sits next to him with a soft smile.
"I'm not" Regulus sniffed, wrapping his arms around his knees and huddling under one of the bookshelves.
"Sure" James whispered softly and just sat beside him, breathing evenly. Wanting to keep the sad boy company.
"I can't cast a Patronus," Regulus muttered "what memory are you using?" He asks, looking at him curiously and hoping that this one will help him find a solution to his problem.
James smiles sadly, Sirius also had a big problem with it at first.
"Expecto Patronum" James waves his wand and a silver shadow appears in front of them, taking the form of some kind of animal... is it a deer? "It's a very difficult spell," he remarks, speaking softly as if the night around them needed it. "This time I was thinking about how mum and I were making cookies for Christmas and dad came to help us, basically just to start a flour fight, I was all white," he laughs softly.
"This time?" Regulus frowns "You use more than one memory? Can you do that?"
"I go through things very hard, emotions are always strong for me, so when I'm happy I'm very happy, like, too much," James shakes his head "I have a few memories that I use that's a fact but it's rare, most have one hard one that can change over time if you find a happier one."
"Yeah" Regulus murmurs.
"Peter uses our first day at Hogwarts," James recalls casually.
"Yeah I tried" Regulus rolls his eyes "Sirius probably too, eh?" He sighed sullenly.
"Oh no he doesn't use september 1971," James shakes his head. Sirius tried but then he left Regulus so he couldn't be entirely happy that day because he was too worried about his little brother who was home alone "he uses this from 1972," because that's when Reggie joined Hogwarts and they were both safe at last. (Besides, it could have involved Remus Lupin as well.)
"Oh" Regulus mumbles. So Sirius was able to make a Patronus. Why not him? What was wrong with him? "What about Lupin?" Regulus asks because if anyone had a hard time finding a happy memory it would be a teenage werewolf with experience.
"Um, I don't know if I can–" James hesitates, "it's the end of third year for him."
"When did you discover his secret?" Regulus guesses.
"What secret? You know about his secrets?" James panics a little.
"Calm down, of course I know, Sirius wrote down literally every full moon 20 years ahead. It wasn't hard to guess. " He rolled his eyes.
"It was then. Back then, he felt like he could be more himself around us and all," James added.
"That's quite nice." Regulus smiled slightly.
"I hope you're okay, Regulus. You are capable, don't give up, if you don't have a good memory create one," he suggests, something warm in his gaze.
Is hope enough radiance to cast a Patronus?
James Potter's pretty eyes, his big warm hands, his beautiful smile, his curly hair, his crooked tie, his—
Regulus' crush on James Potter is embarrassing. But Reg will try anything to get the O in Defense Against the Dark Arts.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Oh.
It worked.
Apparently, James hadn't let him down yet.
Yet.
The next few months will be the happiest in Regulus's life. Right after he thanks James on Monday, saying that he managed to cast the Patronus, James will hug him and their adventure will begin. They will start talking, meeting under the night sky in the astronomy tower. They will fall in love, go on dates, spend time, hide in the room of requirements. They will be happy. So, so happy.
But in a year when his sixteenth birthday hits, Regulus Black will not be able to summon a Patronus, and will never be able to do so again.
Eventually he'll die before he had a chance to grow up.
He will die as a child on the wrong side of the war, with ink on his arm that he didn't even want, he will die for a great cause, only to die as a traitor, so that no one will ever know what he did.
Regulus will die, he will drown in a cave, only for his brother to believe that he was terrible just like the rest of their family, (but Sirius still believed that his little brother would come back, because the body was never found.)
He will die for James Potter to put flowers on the ocean water on Regulus' birthday and wish him all the best, (he will only have the opportunity to do this a very few times before he himself dies in the war.)
Regulus will die leaving his friends, leaving Barty, pushing him further into madness.
He will die leaving Pandora without a godfather for her child.
Oh, life is unfair.
It's so unfair that not every battle ends in success.