Draco Malfoy hated most things. He hated messy rooms and unkempt clothes. He hated loud obnoxious people. He hated gingers; well, one in particular. He hated books with bad plots and boring characters. Yes, Draco Malfoy hated most things. He did, however, like some things too. The way the sun reflected off of a bed of water at dusk. The feel of the breeze on a swelteringly hot day. The smell of new books. The smile on a certain curly-haired girl. A warm cup of tea during a muggy autumn day. And he liked summers spent by the lake with his best friend Theodore Nott.
Theo was a peculiar guy; on the outside, he was this happy-go-lucky guy who loved to tease, play a prank, and tell a joke. A player with all the charm in the world. But behind closed doors he had skeletons; they haunted him more than he let on. Maybe that’s why he and Draco were so close, misery loves company or so they say.
February 4th; sixth year.
“Y’know Draco you look fucking awful.” Theo remarked in between bites of toast, so nonchalantly it couldn’t even be mistaken as a joke, it even had a few people sitting near them giving them awkward stares. “Well fuck Theo, thanks aren’t you the bestest friend a guy could ask for.” Draco sneered over his cup of tea, he’d forgone food these days everything tasted like wet cardboard and ran down his throat like sandpaper anyway so he’d much rather stick to liquids if he could help it.
“Well, what can I say I’m an honest man. You’re thin as shit and look more disheveled than Filch on a bad day. What the fuck is up with you lately?” Theo wiped off the left-over crumbs on his uniform and looked over at Draco more seriously than he ever had. It made Draco itch with discomfort. Theo wasn’t often a serious guy so he really must look like hell right now.
“Look I just haven’t been sleeping well and I’ve been focusing on studying, you know how my dad gets if my grades drop.” Draco said in the most relaxed and confident voice he could possibly muster up; he knew it wasn’t very convincing but fuck at least he was trying. Theo sighed and crossed his arms before giving him a hard long look.
“Fine, whatever, don’t talk. Come on we have potions first and I need some fresh air before staring at Slughorn for an hour straight,” he says standing up from the bench “Also why is Snape so busy lately, there’s no way anyone has the much interest in him to have him be missing class this often I wonder who’ll cover today.” Draco flinched at the mention of Snape and hoped Theo had missed it.
Class was painstakingly boring as always. Slughorn had a knack for making anything sound insufferable so sitting listening to him for an hour was like torture. Then they went about their day as usual potions first followed by double herbology, lunch and transfiguration with McGonagall, and finally defence against the dark arts.
Lunch was normal Theo teased Pansy until she stormed off arm in arm with Daphne. Blaise told a joke funny enough to have Theo snort which only made him laugh louder and Draco drank yet another cup of tea. Normal.
By the time defence against the dark arts rolled around Draco was exhausted and stepping into this particular class only made him feel heavier. Everything was just so heavy. As always, he took his seat next to Theo and began the hour-long exercise of acting as if everything is normal all while under the scrutiny of his surprisingly very observant best friend sat next to him.
Throughout class over the drumming of fingers on tables and murmurs of practiced incantations Theo’s full attention was on his partner sat to the right of him, he’d throw some whispered jokes here and there that got him a chuckle out of Draco and occasionally he’d take notice of what the professor was saying and noted it down all while pretending he didn’t see Draco’s tense shoulders, the constant shake of his right leg (his ‘obvious to everyone but him’ nervous habit).
Theo loved to play pretend, it’s a game he’d mastered over the years; pretend you don’t feel, pretend you’re okay. Pretend you can’t notice Draco’s now more pronounced bones from the weight loss when he takes off his cloak or jumper. Pretend you don’t see his dark circles getting worse. Pretend you don’t hear his panicked nightmares during the night. Pretending; he’s good at it but this is the hardest round of pretending he’s ever done, and he was getting tired of the game.
Dinner rolled around and as usual, as of recently, Draco was nowhere to be seen. Theo threw jokes over the table, ate his food, and ignored the ringing in his head itching to know what was going on with his best friend. They had this thing though, sort of like an unspoken promise, that when it all got too much they’d always go to the other. They were always each other’s first and only call. Draco would eventually tell him whatever was happening. Right?
As Blaise and him made their way back to the dorms after dinner, his ears peaked at the mutters and whispers of Draco’s name. There was always talk of the Malfoy’s: rumours and facts. Draco Malfoy had never not been a topic of conversation I mean it sort of came with the name title. However, recently the mindless chatter was surrounded by this dangerous, ominous aura. More and more adults would look at Draco suspiciously and more and more classmates avoided him.
Theo didn’t like it. Firstly, he didn’t like them judging and looking at his friend like he was some demon and secondly, he didn’t like this feeling he was getting at the pit of his stomach.
When Theo walked into their room Draco was where he usually had been whenever he wasn’t at dinner these last couple of months. As soon as the sun started setting it was like Draco flinched at the mere sight of darkness, like it haunted him specifically. He would then make his way to their dorm room sit at his desk and write in his notebook. He’d write for hours sometimes with occasional breaks where he would read instead. His leg always shaking though like he was never fully relaxed.
And late into the night, Theo would hear Draco whimper in his sleep. Like clockwork. He had to do something, whatever the fuck was going on he didn’t like it one bit. And it looked like Draco had no intention of talking to him any time soon.
As quietly as he could he made his way over to Draco’s bedside. His best friend looked a wreck. He was paler than usual, thinner than he should be, and it looked like his nightmares were eating away at him, so he never really rested. From the corner of his eye, Theo saw the notebook. Just one look. He won’t talk so this is just a peak. It’s probably just notes from lessons.
Picking up the notebook, Theo read the first page. I hear him. In my head constantly. It feels like my body is rotting from the inside. I can’t fucking do this much longer. Father still doesn’t look at me for longer than a second even after… that. I feel like I’m drowning. I may just stop trying to stay afloat.
Looking over the notebook at his friend Theo jumps slightly in shock. Draco was now sat up looking back at him. In the moonlight and his current state, he looked like a ghost, only made more believable by the lack of life left in his eyes. “Hey, Draco… look I wasn’t… it’s just-“ He couldn’t form a sentence, what was he meant to say to him after what he read other than I won’t let you drown. At least not alone.
“Why did you think you could read it?” Draco’s voice was so monotone it sent a shiver down Theo’s spine. “Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?” This time there was more anger in his voice. “Look something is obviously up and you- you wouldn’t talk I was getting desperate here…” Theo rushed out.
“Desperate huh?” Draco scoffed, the grin on his face grim in looks. “Yeah, desperate Draco.” Theo sighed sitting at the foot of the bed. “Why not try talking to me instead of turning me into a stalker with no boundaries?” Theo tries out a joke and received no laugh or scoff in return like he usually would from his best friend. “I don’t want to.” Draco mutters. “I don’t want you involved…I can’t.” Theo scoffs.
“Tough shit mate, in case you forgot your messes usually are my messes too so better get talking so I don’t fall behind.” Theo says so nonchalantly, that it makes the anger in Draco spiral. It spirals and mixes with the anxiety and fear that have now taken up permanent residence in every cell of his body. “Theo this isn’t something you need to be involved in. I don’t want you involved in it.” His voice is cold.
“Like that has ever stopped me before, spit it out Draco.” One thing about Theodore Not is if he cares about you, if he lets you in, he’s persistent. He’s right there to feel shit with you maybe it’s because he’s felt it all before with his dad. That’s precisely why Draco wants him as far away from this as possible. As far away from him as possible.
Before he knows it, Draco is standing, his legs shaky and he’s stalking out the room throwing behind him a “Fucking leave it, Theo.” He walks at first with no purpose, he doesn’t even notice when he starts walking on grass instead of pavement. He walks until his feet come in contact with strikingly cold water. The lake. He scoffs, of course, he came to the lake as he tried to escape Theo.
It was all so fitting; this lake by this stupidly large old oak tree was their unspoken meeting place for when they were losing it and needed to talk. They always came here when Draco felt too overwhelmed by his father’s expectations or when Theo wanted to scream about how trapped he felt in his own life. It was their safe space to be vulnerable.
“Fuck!” it comes from behind him as Theo stalks towards him. “It’s fucking freezing Draco, shit!” It was at least three in the morning; the sky was still dark. The dew from the cold night had settled on the leaves and grass. He could hear the occasional drip from the leaves hitting the ground. He sighed. Theodore Nott truly was a persistent fucker wasn’t he.
“You know it would’ve saved us both some warmth and energy if we had just stayed indoors, you’re not stupid enough to think I wouldn’t follow you right?” Theo says stifling a shiver. Draco had become accustomed to the cold; his body hadn’t felt warm since that day. Of course, it’d be cold it’s the middle of winter and night-time and Draco is making his best friend stand beside him by a lake in a chilling breeze. Pathetic as always Draco he thinks to himself.
“If I walked in right now and just let myself sink it would all just stop you know?” Draco says bitterly. He is looking straight ahead but can sense his best friend is looking directly at him. “What would stop?” Theo questions him with caution on his tongue. “All of it.” He laughs sinking down to sit just by the water’s edge, feet still in the water.
Theo stood there looking down at the shell that once was his best friend, the great Draco Malfoy. His partner in crime, fellow miserable individual with a poor excuse of a father. He knew this feeling, knew that Draco didn’t mean he was just going for a little late-night swim. He knew if Draco went in, he’d drown, and Theo was prepared to walk right in with him.
“Theo, I don’t want to be this person anymore.” Draco whispers out. “I’m tired. I’m so tired.” His best friend’s breaths are laboured, he’s never seen him like this even at his lowest Draco has never looked or spoken like this. “Hey, Draco talk. I’m here, I’m listening.” Theo says gently sitting himself beside him.
“My dad… He- I-“ Draco stutters. “You know those rumours going around about Voldemort and half-blood princes'.” Theo’s heart picks up pace, he knows where this is headed. “Yeah, so what they’re just rumours.” He barely gets it out without choking. Draco doesn’t answer him, he just looks over at Theo with his eyes devoid of almost all life, the bags under his eyes so deep Theo doubts he’s slept at all the last week. “Draco…” Theo whispers.
“I don’t want to be this person. I can’t. It’s tearing me apart.” Draco’s eyes are now fixed on the floor, he sounds robotic; lifeless. After a few moments of deafening silence, Draco spoke. “I took it.” He chuckled. “I took it for my dad even though I didn’t want to, I took it.” He spoke so softly that alarm bells started sounding even louder in Theo’s head. “Took what Draco?” it was a question Theo didn’t entirely want answered, one he could tell would be the tipping point for his best friend.
Draco slowly began rolling his sleeve on his left arm up, as each inch of exposed skin increased so did Theo’s heart rate. Then it was there. Black and murky. Oozing and slightly discoloured at the edges. The mark, the same one his father wore with such pride, the one his father was trying to force on him.
They sat there in the silence. Theo’s head spun, it recalled all the moments he questioned if Draco, his best friend, was okay. His anger boiling under his skin at Draco’s father for ever forcing this on him, at Draco for not talking to him and hiding on his own, at his father for the complicity he played in it, at himself for not trying harder to get Draco to talk.
In those moments of silence, that felt like years Theo recalled that night a couple of months ago when his father came home during one of the school’s holidays a bit too giddy. It was a dark and eerie night, the house felt heavy he remembered how it felt as though he was being watched at all times. He remembered the grin on his father’s face and the slight splatter of blood on his cloak.
He remembered he just cast it aside wanting none of his father’s attention, wishing to grow smaller and disappear never to be found by him. He also remembered the Malfoy manor the next day, they were invited for dinner. He remembered Draco being pale, and having a cut on his jaw which he said he got from falling whilst practicing a quidditch tactic.
Draco’s shuddering body next to him shocked him back to the present. He didn’t have time to be angry, his best friend was practically a walking corpse next to him. “We’ll fix it.” Were the first words to spill into the thick cool air around them after the stretch of silence. “We can’t fixthis Theo.” Draco chuckled out, defeated, covering the mark back up with a look of disgust on his face.
“We can.” Theo had lost a lot of things in life. His mother, the chance of ever having a loving father, a want to live. The one thing he had left was Draco, he wasn’t about to lose him too. “I’ll fix it. Fuck…” Theo says running a hand through his hair. “I’ll talk to your mum; I’ll make my dad get rid of it… fuck I’ll even join the fucking order if I have to.” He rushes out. “We’ll fix it. You’ll be fine.” Draco listens as his best friend speaks as if it was all already a fact and not some fucked up dead-end situation.
“I’m halfway dead Theo, the mark? It hasn’t taken to my body, unsurprising since I never wanted it. Let it go. It’s my consequence to bear not yours.” Draco smiles so softly Theo has to fight back the urge to punch him. “Fuck that Draco. It’s either we fix it or I die with you.” For the first time in months a spark of life flashes in Draco’s eyes.
“Theo this isn’t some joke I didn’t break one of my dad’s favourite vases I was initiated into the fucking death eaters! You can’t-“Before Draco can finish his sentence the words are already falling from Theo’s mouth. “You’re all I’ve got left Draco.” He whispers. “I’d rather die with you than face whatever the fuck this life has left to shove in my face without you.”
The words linger between them. Was it selfish to make this about himself? Maybe but Theo didn’t care, he could see the want to disappear in Draco’s eyes like he’d already given up. A look he was all too familiar with and if he didn’t do something Theo might wake up tomorrow in a world without a Draco Malfoy. What a miserable world that would be.
“We’ll fix it. I- I don’t know how but we will, okay?” Theo’s eyes are locked on Draco’s so not a single word gets lost in the silence. “Just don’t disappear on me.” Draco was tired; he wanted it all to end, he wanted silence and quiet. He wanted this stain on his arm to fade away, for his body to feel warm again. He wanted to disappear, honestly, he wanted to die, and it felt like no one would really mind if he did. No one but Theo.
“I fucked up badly this time Theo, it’s not an easy fix.” Draco mutters. “Did you want it?” Theo asks; sharp and direct. “Fucking hell Theo does it look like I wanted any of this?” Draco runs his hand through his hair as he sighs. “Brilliant, never said it was gonna be easy then did I? I said we’d fix it.” Theo spoke so determinedly that it was almost scary for Draco to see him be so serious. “Anyone else know?” Theo says as he throws a stone into the lake. “Snape. I think Snape has caught on. I think it’s why he’s been missing class recently.”
“Think he’ll help?” Another stone hits the water. “Fuck if I know I thought he always hated me.” Draco throws a rock into the lake. “Well hating and wanting a kid dead isn’t the same, don’t think Snape is that deranged.” Theo says as he shrugs. It makes Draco laugh, only a little, only slightly. “So, we’ll figure it out, we’ll get that off of you…” Theo turns to look at Draco as he speaks. “We’ll fix it 'cause I’ll be fucked if I let us go down with those people.”
Draco looks at him a little puzzled. “I think we deserve a normal life Draco; I think we deserve a chance at it. I think we deserve a chance to be better, we should let ourselves try at least.” Theo says with a shockingly sweet smile on his face. “So, stop shutting me out dickhead. It won’t work, I’m sticking around and making sure you do too whether you like it or not, okay?” Draco nodded his head. “Besides without us here who will torment the Weasley’s, what a horrible thought!” Theo speaks as dramatically as he can.
Draco laughs, and for the first time in a long time, he laughs. A genuine laugh too, Theo knows it is. His body is still numb, he still has that stain on his skin; disgusting and burning. Nothing is okay at all, yet he still laughs.
Speaking hadn’t fixed anything. He still had the mark, he was still by all technicalities, willing or unwilling, a death eater, he still wanted to die and disappear. They didn’t have a plan but somehow it was the first time in months that Draco could feel a little lighter. He didn’t have much left in life, he wasn’t entirely sure if he was going to be able to fix it but he had Theo. His best friend. He had an anchor keeping him afloat no matter how much it felt like he was drowning.
Finally, Draco looked over at the boy sat next to him. The one he had pulled out of dark rooms built by his own father as he cowered in the panic. The one he’s played pranks with since they were kids. The one who he needed to keep alive and who needed him alive too. “Fine then, let’s fix it. Somehow. Let’s fix it.” Draco says with a smile.
September 17th: seventh year
Life after the war was still a little difficult to adjust to. Not four months ago the school was half in ruins and Theo had decided to revolt against the death eaters; his father. Help his best friend remove the mark and become a traitor and fight in a war. How the fuck was he meant to act normal? Like his father wasn’t on trial, like a war hadn’t just happened. And of course, fucking McGonagall was insistent on seventh years coming back and finishing the year.
The whole thing was a pile of shit, one moment he was living under the intense presence of his father and the next he was just free? It didn’t sit well with Theo it felt unfinished, bitter. Like his option to fight back, to break free himself wasn’t solely his but a consequence of his decisions and circumstances.
Along with the raging headache of this whole ordeal Theo found himself developing a new problem. An addiction almost. Right now, he was making his way to the library at 6 fucking am stifling yawns every other step. Why you ask? Because of him.
Theo had mastered the art of opening doors undetected, a skill he honed thanks to his dear old dad, so sneaking into the library unnoticed was pathetically easy. He’d long stopped questioning his borderline stalker behaviour as he made his way to his usual stop. Behind the third row of bookcases with just enough of a crack to clearly see the desk closest to the history of the Ministry of Magic and Politics section.
He assumed his usual position and watched. This had become routine for him since that one accidental Saturday back in June. He watched as the boy sat at the desk closest to the window and wrote. Watched as his curls bounced around in the light of dawn as he meticulously scanned a book for his notes. His eyes followed as his back would tense whenever he encountered something he didn’t understand. Theo would grin anytime the boy clicked his pen repeatedly trying to piece together a sentence in his head before writing it down.
This peaceful little routine lasted two whole hours before it was disturbed. He had two hours to have his mind be silent and observe him, a pleasure he did not want anyone to find out about. A pleasure the ghosts in his mind made him feel ashamed of. Two hours before a certain bumbling orange-haired creature thundered into the library in search of his best friend for breakfast.
“Harry! God, don’t you sleep why do you spend all your free time in here you don’t even need to study.” Fucking idiot Theo thought rolling his eyes. “Well, Ron I like to be prepared even if you think I don’t need to study.” Harry sighed closing his notebook. “Well, whatever let’s go I’m starving.” Theo sat and watched Harry walk out of the library side by side with his sidekick like had done every morning since June.
After a few minutes, he stretched, stood, and started to make his way back to the Slytherin dorms to meet Draco and Blaise for breakfast. His walk back would often be filled with echoes in his head of his father reprimanding him. Filthy. Disgusting. How dare you be like that. It was an unwelcome change from his daily two hours of peace.
“There’s the man of the hour.” Blaise’s snarky tone snapped him out of his thoughts. “Nice to see two hideous guys so early in the morning really sets my day up for success!” Theo joked as he joined Draco and Blaise, and they began to make their way to the dining hall. “Where do you even go so early in the morning nowadays anyway?” Draco questions with his usual raised brow. “I’ve taken up reading as a hobby you see I want to be just like you when I grow up: Insufferable.” Theo grins.
Draco only graces him with a roll of the eyes and a sigh. It’s too early for him and he can’t banter well before his cup of tea. Theo is thankful for that. Hiding shit from Draco is like trying to lie on veritaserum; virtually impossible. Draco had known him too long, been his best friend for too long, knows him too well. If he caught onto how much disarray Theo’s head was in there was no escaping it. He’d move a mountain to fix it if he had to. That’s how it’s always been with them.
When in the dining hall Theo’s new addiction continued. He sat at the edge of the table, the same side as Draco as he looked over at the Gryffindor’s chatting over toast and tea. He watched as Harry laughed at Weasley’s unfunny jokes or listened intently as Longbottom explained something stupid. He would grin any time Harry would push up his glasses and move aside stubborn curls. This was easier to get away with since Draco went public about his romance with Granger.
Fucking bizarre pair but hey love is love right. It meant Theo’s little escape wasn’t as odd because oftentimes Draco was looking over too or Granger would drop by the table to chat and so Theo could keep his little haven. His momentary peace.
The days were the same as always; boring, filled with class and mindless chatter. He’d have moments of fun, of course. Whenever Blaise would come up with an outlandish joke at someone’s expense or Draco would point out a new hideous thing about Weasley. He’d have moments of calm, moments where he helped Pansy and Daphne pick out their outfits for their date, or when he and Draco would sit and just talk by the fire at night when sleep would escape them both. Moments. Always only moments.
At night it was harder to silence or pretend to not hear his thoughts. Oftentimes he’d sneak out of the dorms and walk over to the big old oak tree by the lake with his sketchbook. He liked to draw, it calmed his mind and most of all it made the part of his brain that knew his father hated it happy. After the war, it took him months before he could even think about picking up a pencil again.
And still now and then when he is drawing, he has to pause and sit with the flashbacks of those rooms. Of the times his father found sketches that he hid in between notebooks and dragged him into one of his character-building rooms. Ones filled with riddles that he had to spend days solving without food or water and every time he guessed wrong a sharp volt of electricity would shoot up his arm as punishment.
He'd shuddered himself out of it as he continued to sketch. No that was all nothing compared to the other punishments his father gave him when he was reminded of Theo’s inclination. It made his new… interest… in Potter somehow worse. There wasn’t a moment outside of those two peaceful hours at dawn that Theo’s brain wasn’t ringing alarm bells. Filthy. Disgusting. How dare you be like that. It was exhausting, he just wanted silence.
When the glimmer of dawn began to show over the lake Theo would stand and begin his way over to the library all over again. There were some days the walk would take him longer. Days he would fight to silence his mind a bit more than others. Days where he would fight the urge to shrink into nonexistence; to disappear that little bit more than usual.
But even if his brain sounded bells far too resembling of his father’s voice, he still wanted it. Needed it. This escape, this haven, these two hours. His solace, he spent every hour after yearning for the next break of dawn.
As always, he’d sneak into the library undetected and take his usual seat, today was a gloomy dawn. The sky was the kind of grey that indicated rain was to come, the trees swayed a little more than usual in the wind. A muggy morning, yet Potter still managed to look as enticing as usual, annoying little fucker.
The minutes ticked on as his two hours of serenity began. Sighing almost in relief Theo rested his elbow on the table he sat at on top of something hard. His sketchbook, that’s right he brought it with him today. After a moment of contemplation, he opened it to a clean, new page. A blank slate, something he craved for, and began to sketch.
He drew the desk and the scenery out the window. Drew the bookcases that seemed to engulf Potter in a cosy world of his own, a world only Theo got to peek into. Then he began to draw Potter’s outline, his curls that bounced as he wrote notes tirelessly. The rim of his glasses that the light would occasionally bounce off of. The old sweater, brown and burgundy in colour, that annoyingly suited him so well.
He drew with a quiet mind for the first time since he could remember and grudgingly, he could sense the genuine smile that was pathetically spread across his face. He knew if his father saw him now, he’d be dragged into the dungeon of the house for the worst room concocted out of his father’s violent imagination. I mean he was drawing the boy he secretly fancied for crying out loud, his father would probably have him killed if he was here.
Like clockwork the front door to the library creaked open; “Weasley…” Theo whispered with a sigh and shuffled in his seat. At that moment he noticed Potter’s head turn back. Was it far enough to see him through the cracks in the bookcases? Did he now know Theo had been sat in here with him the entire time? Had he known all along? He knew? Did he know?
In the distance, he could hear Weasley mumbling something about food and breakfast, the fat oaf. He didn’t care his brain was firing off alarm bells so loud he was sure Potter could hear his heartbeat and laboured breaths. If Potter knew then eventually somehow it would get back to his father, right?
The slam of the door shook him out of his thoughts long enough to collect his things and speed off toward the dorms. The dorms where he knew Draco and Blaise were waiting for him. Draco. He can’t catch on, if he does, he’ll want to talk and if they talk Theo might just fall apart. He can’t fall apart; Draco is getting his shit together. He should be doing the same he can’t do that to his best friend. Get it together. Act normal.
He repeats it to himself in his head, over and over again until he reached his friends. They were waiting in their usual spot and after a quick jokey exchange they headed off to the dining hall like usual. The entire time Theo could feel Draco’s eyes on him and yet Draco says nothing.
In the dining hall, Theo keeps his head down or facing towards his friends. He doesn’t dare look over at the Gryffindor table, at Potter, like he usually does. He spends the rest of the morning tense. In Herbology he chews on his fingernails. In charms, his leg shakes so much he’s surprised the whole desk doesn’t shake with it. By the time Transfiguration comes around in the afternoon he’s so on edge he could feel the room spinning.
All he could think about all day was what would his father do if he found out, how would he have him dealt with? It was already bad enough to his father that he was gay but gay and liking Harry fucking Potter? That was like sealing his fate, he’d rather disappear; rather die than have to face whatever his father would deem as a worthy punishment and form of rehabilitation.
Enough was enough. Theo couldn’t breathe anymore, brilliant a fucking panic attack just what he needed. Before McGonagall was even there and class started Theo was already stalking out of the room. His vision blurry, breath ragged, mind spinning. He could barely walk; everything was simultaneously in slow motion and super speed. Get back to the dorms. Just get back to the dorms.
He needed to be away from everyone, from himself. God when would this all just stop. Why wouldn’t it stop. He’d spent his entire fucking life so far on high alert like he was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Make it stop. He stalked into the dorms; empty of course, everyone was in class.
He couldn’t catch his breath and he didn’t need to hear the door softly shut behind him to know Draco had followed him. Of course, he had. Draco had never been able to watch Theo drown without trying to pull him ashore. If he was to scream in an empty forest where he felt so small, so alone Draco would still hear him and come scream alongside him. Fucking Draco Malfoy.
“Theo…” the familiar voice came from behind him. “Theo, hey, what was that book you said I should read again?” Draco’s voice is muffled but Theo knew what he was doing, a distraction. The best way to stop a panic attack? Make the mind focus on something else. No response. “Theo, the book?” Draco said stepping closer. “E-enough D-Draco…” He doesn’t need this right now.
Right now, his mind is solely focused on two things: His father finding out about Potter and disappearing. “Theo, what was the book?” Draco repeats still determined. “F-fuck…” Theo stutters spinning around to face him. “Like I remember, what the f-fuck you’re on about…” It all comes out so breathless it only adds to that pathetic feeling overwhelming Theo.
“It was about some potions stuff, you said you saw Granger reading it. You know how I love to one-up her still.” He says smiling. Don’t smile. Stop caring. “F-fine…” He thinks and tries to remember the title, bouncing from one book title to the other in his head. Draco wasn’t going to let this go. “Growth P-potions and their effects on wild v-vegetation?” He stutters out. “Nope, read that one. Come on you definitely remember it; you mentioned it yesterday.” Draco looks at him.
Theo thinks again, occasionally shaking his head as another phrase from his father sounds in his head: You sorry disgusting disappointment excuse of a son. “U-uh…P-potions and their links to H-healing.” He manages to get out, Draco raises his brow looking at Theo’s still slightly shaky hands. “No don’t think so, try again.”
The rage in Theo was starting to stir. He always had a tendency to overshadow other emotions he didn’t want to feel with anger. “Fuck’s sake Draco I don’t know and honestly I don’t fucking care will you just shut the fuck up already!” He shouts, huffing out air. “Finally, you didn’t stutter that time.” Draco smiles. His stupid tactic always worked, since they were kids, he had this down to a t.
“You’ve been off all morning, honestly you’ve been acting weird for months now…” Draco moves a little closer to Theo “Now you’re having panic attacks again?” He asks and Theo starts to let the anger take over; better than feeling anything else right now. “Like it’s any of your fucking business?” He spits out. Draco sighs crossing his arms. “Well yeah, you’re my best mate, I haven’t said anything because I thought you’d come speak to me eventually. That’s our thing.”
Every word hit Theo like a sharp sting, leaving him more numb than he already was. God he just wanted to disappear. How pathetic his dad was behind bars at the most maximum-security prison in all of the magic world and here was Theo still quivering in fear and lying to his best friend. The only person he considered family. Pathetic, it made his rage seethe. “Just drop it Draco I’m fine.” Theo says as he sidesteps Draco to make his way out of the room. He can’t do this anymore. He needs it all to just stop.
“Theo. I’m not dropping this. Like fuck you’re fine…Look you sat with me through sixth year. Through everything. You pulled me out of the dark and I’m not going to let you drown in yours.” Draco’s voice is firm. It makes Theo itch. He doesn’t want to be saved; he doesn’t need help…does he?
“Oh, please Draco. Of course, I wasn’t going to let my best friend sell his soul to the devil for his daddy’s fucking approval... This is different, I’m different.” He speaks as if he doesn’t even see himself as a person. As if he doesn’t know he’s Draco’s best friend, his clutch. “I’m not going anywhere Theo.” Draco looks him in the eye. “Whether it was your dad’s schemes and beatings or mine’s. Whether it was when you drank yourself to near death to cope. I am not going anywhere. Your ghosts are my ghosts too.” It’s so sincere it just makes the rage in Theo’s body spiral. “Fuck.” he spits.
He can’t do this. The room is too small, too full of whispers of past traumas. It’s too bright and too dark at the same time. In an instant Theo is running out the door, slamming it open. He needs air. He wants to disappear.
“Fuck sake.” Draco murmurs clenching his fist stalking right behind him.
Draco storms out of the room and down the hall after Theo. “Wait!” they’re both out of breath stuck between a brisk walk and full-blown sprint as Theo makes his way towards the lake. “THEO WAIT!” Draco all but screeches out to his best friend between breaths. “Fuck! I swear to God Draco don’t come near me I can’t do this right now.” Theo throws back.
Draco picks up his pace closing the distance between them. “Just talk to me bloody hell Theo come on it’s me! TALK TO ME!” he shouts before almost knocking into Theo’s back who’s come to a halt right by the big oak tree near the lake.
“…you won’t get it.” Theo murmurs. The words make Draco scoff. “Oh, fuck off Theo, you’re telling me; your best friend. After everything we’ve been through that, I won’t get whatever it is.” The words taste bitter in his mouth. If there’s someone who gets them it’s the other, there’s no one on earth he’s ever been more open with than Theo and he knows that’s the same for him.
Theo half turns to face him. “Just leave it Draco, I’m sick of this just LEAVE IT.” He can see the rage building in Theo’s eyes; he always did have a bad temper. But he’s not holding back, not this time. “Like shit, I’m just leaving my best mate to suffer Theo, come on!” It wasn’t even a taunt, but it was enough to push whatever had been bubbling under the surface in Theo to overflow.
Draco only noticed the pain after he was on the floor after Theo’s fist had collided with his jaw. He spat out the blood that was building up from the cut his teeth made on the inside of his cheek. “FUCK DRACO. FUCK. YOU DON’T GET IT.” Theo shouts turning and throwing the next punch at the tree. “You got the girl. You got to keep your mum. I’m not gonna get that.” He huffs out between breaths. “Theo...” Draco’s cut off by another punch from Theo hitting the tree; blood now dripping from his knuckles.
“Theo talk to me.” Draco says as he pushes through the pain in his jaw. Theo is perfectly still; kind of like how Draco always used to see him when his father entered a room. There was this eerie solemn silence surrounding him like when he came back from half term after one of his father’s ‘challenges’. “Theo…”
A sigh escapes him before Theo can trap it in his mouth. “You fell in love; you broke away from your family name. I can’t do that. I… my old man isn’t even here anymore, and he still haunts me. I can’t break from it. I can’t stay here I don’t want to stay here anymore Draco. Here or anywhere.”
The statement washes over Draco like a cold shower. Bitter and harsh. A here without Theo isn’t a here at all. There isn’t a Draco without a Theo around. After a long silence, Draco’s voice was barely a murmur. “Theo I can’t do this without you y’know.” Theo scoffs like the statement was some sort of joke. “Do what exactly Mr Draco Malfoy?” Draco steps closer.
“Life. This. Living. I can’t without you, who do I go to when Granger’s pissed me off or my mum gets annoying. When I have such vivid nightmares, I want to die again. When I see fragments of my dad in me again if you’re not here Theo.” he barely gets all the words out without his voice breaking. “Theo talk to me.” Draco echoes one more time.
Theo’s shoulders drop and he falls to the ground leaning against the tree. “I like him. I like him Draco and I can’t. And worst of all I know he won’t like me back.” Draco’s eyebrow twitches up. “Who’s ‘he’?” he says as he takes a seat next to his best friend. “Potter.” Theo laughs as he says it. “I know you don’t need to say anything I know you hate him...” Draco shrugs. “I kind of guessed and I never said I hate Potter.” Theo gives him a look and Draco rolls his eyes. “…anymore.” Draco sighs “Also like I have a leg to stand on I spent half a year chasing after Granger who I also ‘hated’ before she even gave me a chance to stand in the same room as her without trying to hex me or did you forget?”.
Despite the mood, Theo lets out a laugh and it eases the tension in Draco’s heart a little. “Yeah, yeah. I vividly remember having to coach you through mental breakdowns and what-if scenarios at 2 am.” He scoffs. “Y’know sometimes I just tell myself fuck it whatever like him it’s fine even if he doesn’t like you back just like him. And every time I do...” he pauses to breathe as if he’s on the verge of losing himself. “I get flashbacks of those ‘rehabilitation’ rooms my dad would shove me in any time he got a whiff of me potentially liking guys.” He closes his eyes and leans further onto the tree behind them.
“Every time I think I’m past it, I go right back to being the miserable fucking kid always looking behind himself to see if there are any ghosts there. I don’t wanna do it anymore Draco. I’m tired.” Theo’s voice is barely audible. “I can barely breathe, any time I get close to feeling safe and free it’s like my brain sounds alarms and I go into a fucking panic attack.” Now he’s started he can’t stop. “Like fuck Draco just the thought that Potter figured me out and then that it somehow would get back to my dad sent me into such a spiral I almost jumped into the fucking lake to drown out all the noise. I can’t do this much longer.” He sighs.
Draco sat with those words, he pictured all the times he had to pull his best friend as he shook from one of those rooms Nott Sr had confined him to, his eyes devoid of any life. He pictured so vividly the disgusting little smirk Nott Sr had on his face every single time. He pictured all the times he had to coach Theo away from a panic attack from such a young age; they were meant to be playing stupid kid games and instead, Theo was trapped in his room nauseous from fear.
Draco remembers that time in fifth year when Theo found out some of the things his Nott Sr was doing for the death eaters, how he came into Theo’s room, and he was laying in his bed looking a bit too still. He remembers the pills sat by his bedside table. He remembers being drenched under the shower head shouting his name and begging him to breathe. He remembers Theo begging him not to tell anyone when he came to. He remembers spending countless nights learning healer’s spells and diagnostics to check if everything was okay with him.
Draco remembers the split second, he may have just lost his best friend. He couldn’t go through that again. The silence lingered, and finally, Draco spoke, his voice had never felt so heavy before. “Okay. Then don’t do it anymore Theo.” Theo’s face turns to Draco, puzzled.
A soft smile washes over Draco’s otherwise often emotionless face. “Every time it happens again and you’re back in that room, call me. Bring me with you into the room. I’ll sit with you for as long as you need and when you’re ready we’ll walk out of it together. Just…” Draco stutters, composing himself. “Just don’t disappear on me. I need you.”
Draco’s voice, barely a whisper hits Theo like a brick wall. “There’s no me without you, no Draco Malfoy without Theodore Nott.” Draco continues. “You once said to me it’s either we fix it or we die together. Theo if you die, I’m going with you.” Draco pauses to look at his best friend. “Is that fucking insane? Maybe…but life without you is dull boring and full of fucking idiots. I need you, Theodore Nott.”
Theo just sat there looking closely at his best friend’s face, studying it. He looked at all the remnants of war still left on them and the marks of all their still very open traumas. He listened to Draco’s words echo in his head over and over. A pleading to stay, no one had ever asked him to stay before; no one had ever given him a reason.
He always felt and still often does feel disposable; replaceable. And Draco Malfoy the cunning, cold, and rude bastard that he is, his best friend, is sat next to him giving him a reason to think otherwise. Theo scoffs and lets a small smile spread over his face. “Selfish as always Draco.” he sees the tension on his best friend’s shoulders ease before he speaks. “You know me never been good at the whole others before yourself thing.”
Theo smirks, elbowing his best friend. “So, you’re all good with me liking Harry huh?” Draco scoffs. “Define good. Anyways, like I care anyway given how much I like Granger.” He continues his rambling. “I say go for it, in my eyes, Potter would be punching if you two got together and more of a raging imbecile than he already is if he doesn’t like you back.” Theo just stares at him. “Which may I add seems highly unlikely since Potter pretty much stares at you just as much as you stare at him, two idiots drooling over each other, how gross.” Draco says rolling his eyes.
The laugh that escapes Theo is almost unrealistic given how this conversation had started and how he felt not so long ago. They sat there as the clouded sunset washed over the lake talking. Things weren’t fixed. They weren’t fixed maybe they never would be. They still had nightmares, they still had ghosts following them around. They were still the same terrible people but with just a bit more room to breathe because when those ghosts came back around, they had each other to call. Like he once said this time they had a chance at trying to live. So what if they were still floating in the water, seconds from drowning. At least they were floating together.