I
If you were to ask Lily she would say it started by the lake. Dorcas’ family owned a house by it, it was small not many people could stay at a time. Perfect for them, no one would come with them. It was a few hours drive and Dorcas was the only one trusted behind the wheel. Her car was covered with fake ivy that Pandora bought for her. She pretended to hate it, but she actually really loved it. Her car had a cassette player, she’d show everyone who came in, before opening the center console to find it overflowing with cassettes. Most of which she found at old thrift stores, they’re hard to find nowadays but she refuses to use CDs. Barty and Evan bought some blank ones for her a few years ago and recorded covers. Horrible sung, of course, they were drunk off their asses but she still keeps them, tucked away with the rest.
Lily remembers falling asleep about halfway through the drive, her head tilted in her direction, tracing her gaze over her jaw. It’s all fuzzy, and her mind was somewhere else entirely. The music kept playing, something soft, she thinks it was from the seventies but she can’t really be sure. Dorcas loved seventies music, but that might just be because most of the tapes she could find were from there.
“Red, come on,” Dorcas was suddenly on her other side. Lily couldn’t remember her getting out of the car, or walking over to open her door.
Lily grumbled through her sleep, trying to push herself back in the seat. Dorcas laughed at her then, delicately pulling the hair away from her face, “We’re losing the light. If you want to get in the water before the sun goes down you need to get up now.”
Her eyelids fluttered open to find Dorcas right in front of her, her brown eyes wide. She looked so pretty. She always did. Lily didn’t tell her then, she followed her instead. She still remembers the sound of the door clicking shut as she groggily got out, and the feeling of the sun brushing against her skin. It was peak July, hotter than it had been that entire summer. She was sweating without even taking a step.
“Grab the bags,” Dorcas called out to her, clicking open the trunk.
“Making me do all the work?” Lily questioned, picking up both the bags anyway.
Dorcas shrugs, “I’m your guide. We don’t hold bags.”
“You know I’ve been here before,” Lily laughed, “Many, many times.”
“Not alone,” Dorcas said, leaving it at that. There never were many people who joined them. Most of the time it was Pandora, she was always in the spare room, leaving Dorcas and Lily to share. Sometimes Barty and Evan came, they always dragged Regulus with them. One time James even joined them too. It was the first time Lily had actually ever seen Regulus laugh without trying to bite it back. All that’s to say is she’s been here before. She’s memorized the bend of the halls, and the little indentations by all the doorways. The marks on the floor from fast-moving paws with sharp nails, or the wine stain on the living room carpet after Pandora got a bit too drunk and knocked it over.
“Where will you sleep?” Lily had asked as soon as they got inside, feeling the bags between her hands.
Dorcas didn’t even turn back before saying, “Same as always.” She added, “You can leave your bags there too if you want.”
They didn’t talk about it. They never really talked about it.
The lake was just as beautiful as Lily remembered when she got down there, Dorcas right behind her. They didn’t change, only stripped to their underwear as soon as they reached the shoreline. Dorcas jumped in first, running down the dock and splashing water across Lily’s legs. She stayed on the edge, staring down at her. She never really liked the water, despite being here all the time. She never really told anyone, there never was a reason either.
Dorcas resurfaced only to hook herself on the edge of the dock, wrestling to grab Lily’s ankle to drag her in. Lily screeched on the way down, the water clawing at her throat as she came back for air through a coughing fit.
“Why would you do that!” She exclaimed, pushing on Dorcas’ shoulder, trying to catch her off guard.
Dorcas splashed her, “You were taking too long!”
Lily always stayed out by the dock, in case she needed to grab the wood and hold on for dear life. Dorcas always went to the center, lying on the water to bathe in the sun. She’d call out for Lily, taunting her to follow. She never did. Maybe she should’ve. Looking back now, she almost wished she did. She watched the sunset instead, pulling herself back on the dock to lay her back on the wood, feeling splinters digging into her back. She always liked it like this, when the crickets grew loud and the world went quiet. There was no one else in the world besides the two of them. It was only them two.
Not long later was Dorcas hopping up beside her, bringing her to sit up by the edge. The sun fought its way passed the trees, shining its colors through the branches, turning the water a warm orange.
“James would like it,” Lily heard herself say. She’s still not sure why she brought him up. She hadn’t talked to him in a few weeks. He’d gone off without his phone. He always did that. Flew to another country without so much as a call. Regulus was always quick to follow. She always worried, though she never said a thing.
Dorcas ignored her, looking back over, “Only James?”
Lily found her gaze, her long lashes drawing her in, “It’s pretty.”
“Beautiful,” Dorcas mumbled, and even then Lily knew she wasn’t talking about the sky.
“Cas,” Lily whispered. A question. An answer. A slew of all types of things.
Dorcas leaned in, or maybe it was Lily. Even now it’s hard to tell. Her lips were soft, coated in the delicate warmth of a dying sun. Dorcas’ hands moved up to grab her face and Lily sunk like the tide resting just below her feet. She was taken by the first moment. Placed in an invisible locket that Dorcas wore around her neck, pressed into her chest. Lily wanted to be a permanent indentation. She never wanted to disappear with healing time.
When Dorcas pulled away she wasn’t smiling, she sighed instead. It was a question.
“What was that for?” Lily asked. Another question.
Dorcas shrugged, “I just wanted to.”
Lily wanted to too, though she never said it. The moment passed. It expired. It died. Dorcas plucked herself off the dock, reaching down to grab Lily’s hand and tug her up.
Rolling back her shoulders, she smiled a little, only a little, “Race you back?”
Lily felt like she was seven again. Only a moment. She let a smile break through her face, and a giggle escaped her lips as she took off running. Her heels dug into the dirt, and Dorcas’ footsteps were right behind her.
II
That Christmas Eve was a bad one. Lily never had a good time with holidays at her house. Every year she tried something new. She used to be the good little girl who never did anything wrong. She’d sit with her hands in her lap and iron her dress the night before so there wouldn’t be a wrinkle in sight, even if she burnt her fingers every time she tried. She’d nod along to whatever Petunia was saying. She’d take every single insult as if it were nothing. She’d smile at it instead, pretending to be oblivious to whatever her sister was telling her. Petunia always started fights easily this time of year. She was stressed, or at least that’s what their Mum always told Lily. She had a lot on her plate, and she took on more than she could handle. Lily always understood, or at least she pretended to. Lily didn’t like being the good little girl. She hated taking blows all for it to crumble beneath her fingertips. Her sister told her she hated her and she bit her tongue. Petunia would go on and on, about how no one in the family actually wanted her there, that she was an annoyance, a little fly buzzing around the room. Lily nodded, and smiled, walking back to her room before the tears could sting her eyes. No, she didn’t like being the good little girl.
She started acting up. Every time Petunia was mean to her she’d be mean right back. She’d kick and scream, pushing her until she realized what she was doing to her all those years. She’d fall down on her knees in apologies, and Lily would forgive her, all would be right. It would be like it was when they were little, pushing their beds together if only to sleep closer. Though Petunia never apologized. She cried instead. Big crocodile tears, ruining her makeup, and dragging down to her dress. She called in their Mum, playing the victim and pointing fingers. Lily stayed in her room all through dinner. Petunia was the one who brought her a plate, a sly smile resting on her lips as she set it down on the table.
“Mum said you would apologize,” she teased, her eyes sharp.
Lily missed how they’d been when they were younger, she longed to go back. Before her sister grew older, before she saw what else was out there. She wanted to chase her around the backyard, climbing trees and scraping their knees. She wanted to play pirates on the old wooden play set and dig their old dolls out of storage just to talk through them one last time. Lily gritted her teeth instead, “Sorry,” she spit out.
Petunia laughed shortly, turning away and out the door. Lily watched as she went, almost wanting to follow her. She wasn’t sure where they’d go. She didn’t think there was anywhere for them anymore. They once had the world pressed under their fingertips. There was not a place they couldn’t go. They’d travel between worlds the two of them, pressed under blankets way past their bedtime, or rolling around in the grass in the springtime. Their mum always complained about grass stains but it never stopped them before. They were everything once. How can they be anything again?
Her eyes stung, and she tried to bite it back. She wouldn’t cry after someone who never cried for her, but she grieved her youth. She grieved her sister’s youth too. She pushed the plate away, rushing to grab her phone from the end of her bed. She didn’t think before dialing the number, she never did when it came to her.
“Red?” Dorcas’ voice came out clearly. “You alright?”
Lily drew in a breath of relief, “I’m—“ her voice died in her throat, even then she wasn’t sure what she was asking for. “Can you meet me?”
“Where?”
They met in a random parking lot. Nothing was open this late but they made do, blasting the heat in Dorcas’ car they both sat in the back. Dorcas pushed to one side, brushing through Lily’s hair she kept her head on her lap. Dorcas brushed away each tear as it set over her cheeks. She didn’t talk about it. Dorcas didn’t ask about it. She kissed them away instead. Even now Lily can’t describe what they were to each other back then. She can only talk about the secret kisses they stole when they thought no one was looking, or the nights they spent in each other’s beds, pressed against each other as if they were scared the other would sink down right into the fabric.
“I hate my sister,” She cried, choking on her words.
Dorcas didn’t brush it off like everyone else did. She didn’t argue that deep down she really loved her, that this was just a phase she’d crawl her way out of. “I’ll kill her,” she said.
Lily laughed, her voice cracking right down the middle. She felt the split right through her chest, breaking apart her ribs. “I miss her too.”
Dorcas smiled sadly, kissing her forehead softly, her lips lingering on her skin. Lily never wanted her to move away. “She doesn’t deserve you,” she whispered.
“Maybe it’s the other way around,” Lily questioned.
Dorcas scoffed lightly, “I never took you for an idiot. “
Lily shook her head, “I’m being serious!”
Dorcas looked down at her, her eyes finding a certain softness Lily hadn’t seen passed that moment. It was almost pity. It brought an awful feeling down her spine. “She’s been nothing but cruel to you.”
“She wasn’t always,” Lily said. “When we were younger she—“
Dorcas cut her off, she heard it all before. She was there for most of it, only living down the street. “She isn’t that little girl anymore.”
Lily looked away, it bit right down to her bones, “I still feel her. She’s in there she just—“
Dorcas pulled on her cheek, taking her gaze again, “She made you cry.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Dorcas gave her a pointed look, “Lily.”
“You called me Lily,” she mentioned.
“You know I mean it then,” Dorcas said.
Lily sighed, “I don’t know what to do.”
“I’ve got you,” Dorcas brushed her thumb against her cheek. “You don’t need to do anything, not anymore.”
Lily felt whole. It might’ve been the first time she’d ever. She was wrapped around a protection but shielded by childhood innocence. It wasn’t coated by the sheer idea of nostalgia. It was hers. It was forever. It was supposed to be. Not easily erased, and brought to the sea.
“I’m not an easy person to have,” Lily mused.
Dorcas shook her head fitfully, “You’re a fool, Lily Evans.”
No, she was only hers. She didn’t say it. She wanted to. It was on the tip of her tongue. It was too early then, or perhaps it was too late, it wasn’t easy to tell. It never was.
III
She spent her eighteenth birthday in the hospital. The neighbor's dog got out, it truly was a vicious thing, and she never liked it much. It seemed to seek her out, jumping on her as a hello. She was reaching down to pat its head when its teeth sunk into her fist. It looked worse than it hurt, she didn’t even cry. She chased the thing off as she applied pressure to the wound. Ruining her favorite shirt to keep it from bleeding. She didn’t walk home, she walked to Dorcas’ instead, she was closer, and it was a much softer place than she would’ve found back home anyway.
“Happy—“ Dorcas’ words died in her throat as she raced forward, grabbing her wrist, “You’re bleeding. What happened?”
“Ghost,” Lily mumbled. It wasn’t its actual name, she actually wasn’t sure of it, everyone just called it Ghost. It was all white, and was always wondering at night. Could be spotted from a mile away. “I’m okay.”
Dorcas looked up at her, her eyebrows sewn together, “It’s too much blood.”
“It’s fine,” Lily felt herself sway. She never did well with blood.
Dorcas brought her down to sit on the pavement, racing back in the house to come back with a wet cloth. Lily shivered in the cold, but she couldn’t move, not even to crawl inside for the warmth. Dorcas wasn’t even wearing a coat and only had on socks. “Let me see.”
“Cas—“
“Let me see,” She repeated, gently holding her wrist. She reached forward to tilt up her chin, “Just keep looking up,” she said, “I’ll let you know when you can stop.”
Lily nodded, swallowing thickly around the lump in her throat. She felt childish. It hardly even hurt, barely a sting.
Dorcas whined beside her pulling away at her shirt, she dabbed away the dried blood, moving closer to peer at the wound, “It’s too deep.”
Lily shook her head, “It’s not. I’m fine.”
Dorcas sighed, “We’re gonna need to get you to the hospital.”
Lily froze, she hated that place. Well, no one really liked hospitals, but she hated it. She could barely step foot in the building without remembering it all. Her father lying there, barely being able to move his fingers before his heart gave out on him. She remembers the sound of the monsters giving out. She remembers the smell of disinfectant burning her nose.
“I’ll be with you the entire time,” Dorcas reassured her, as she stood she kissed the top of her head. “Don’t look down yet, I’ll get bandages.”
She kept her promise. She held her hand the entire time, not caring when the doctors tried to get her to leave the room. She sat on the table with her, kicking at her shoes, and letting Lily rest of her head on her shoulder as the doctor patched her up. It took them hours to just get back there, but Dorcas didn’t hesitate not for a moment to stay. She sang a song under her breath. Lily didn’t recognize it, it didn’t matter, she still clung to it anyway. Squeezing her eyes shut not to see it all.
Dorcas kissed her bandaged finger as soon as it was all wrapped up. Lily felt her heartbeat at the very place her lips touched. She kept her arm pressed against her waist as she carried her out of there, placing her back in the passenger seat.
Lily didn’t ask her where they were going, she didn’t need to. She would go anywhere Dorcas would lead her. It didn’t matter where.
She brought her to a little bakery in the town by home. She bought her a cupcake, and some candles by the convenience store right beside it. She sang her happy birthday in the parking lot right next door, and kissed her instead of letting her blow out the candles. It felt more than all those other times. It felt like something else entirely. There was a fire burning in Lily’s chest, coating her entire body with its flames. It licked her bones and brought her skin to burn, and she fell back on that feeling. She never wanted it to diminish. Even if she couldn’t say the words. She pulled away smiling, and Dorcas smiled too.
“What was that for?” Lily asked again.
“Birthday kiss,” Dorcas answered without skipping a beat, picking up frosting with her finger to spread it on the tip of Lily’s nose.
Lily scrunched her nose with annoyance, wiping it off with the back of her hand, “So mean to me on my birthday of all days.”
Dorcas laughed at her, it was such a simple tune Lily could listen to it forever, she kissed the tip of her nose, dragging her face forward, “Eat your cupcake, Red.”
“Split it with me,” Lily said, pulling it apart right down the middle.
Dorcas accepted her half, jumping up to sit on the hood of the car. “So if we’re ranking all your birthdays ever…”
Lily laughed, “It wasn’t the worst.”
Dorcas shrugged, leaning back and taking a bite, she talked through the cake, “I’ll take it.”
Lily jumped up beside her, leaning on the windshield, “Yours will be better.”
It’s in March, only a couple of months away now. Dorcas never did anything for her birthday, she never told anyone about it. It’s a miracle Lily even knew the day.
Lily expected her to roll her eyes and fall off the car to open the door and drive off. Trying to hold off the conversation for as long as she could, she looked at her instead, “Whatever you want.”
Lily felt it in her chest, she wasn’t sure how to explain it then, but she can’t explain it now. It’s still there. It hasn’t gone away. Maybe it’ll never. She turned away, not being able to meet her eye any longer. Dorcas kept looking. Lily felt her eyes on the side of her face. She didn’t turn back again that night.
IV
It was the summer again. School just got out, it was the months before university and everyone was already restless for it. Spending as much time as they could glued to each other's sides. Lily doesn’t think she saw James at all that summer, he was always with Regulus. Dorcas was with Pandora most of the time, they were separated once the summer went out. Dorcas would head a few hours away. Lily would be staying home too, not that it mattered. There was a school close by she didn’t need to leave.
They were supposed to meet that day, not that their plans were really set in stone or anything, it was only said during passing. They were meeting up at Lily’s house, Petunia was out. Lily didn’t ask where she went she never did anymore. Not that her sister would ever answer her, that’s not really how the two of them went. Lily was out at the store, strolling through the aisles throwing in junk food, grabbing sweet tart ropes when she passed. She hated them but Dorcas loved them.
Lily had texted her a few times that morning, and she never got a reply but Dorcas was never the best at answering. She took her phone out again when she met the lines. They were longer than normal, and most of the lanes were shut down, it would take her ages to get through this.
Dorcas answered on the fifth ring, “Hey I was—“
Lily cut her off, she barely even heard her, “I think I’ll be a little late,” she said, “I’m trying to get snacks, and there—“
“I can’t make it,” Dorcas broke through her words.
Lily paused, gripping the cart, “What?”
“I’m sorry, Red,” Dorcas winced, “I’m not home.”
“Where are you?” Lily pulled the cart away, apologizing to the people she pushed passed.
“I’m at the lake,” She explained, pulling away the phone from her ear long enough for Pandora to break through and shout a greeting. Lily heard the water from the lake splashing, and the quiet murmur of the birds swooping through the trees.
“Oh,” Lily found her heartbeat in her throat.
“Sorry,” Dorcas said, “The connection here has been awful I’ve been trying to call you.”
“No, it’s okay,” Lily answered quickly, staring back up at the ceiling, she felt her eyes sting, and her throat covered and thick. “That’s okay we’ll do it another time.”
“Yeah of course,” Dorcas didn’t notice, or maybe she did, there’s no way to tell really. “Pandora dragged me out here, I would’ve invited you it was just last minute, and I—“
“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Lily cut her off quickly, “It’s okay. I’ll see you later yeah.”
“Lily—“
One second she was talking in her ear and the next Lily was staring at the blank screen. Dorcas’ contact photo looks back at her. It was from a few months back. Lily kissing her cheek. She remembered that night like it was only the day before. They were staying up the whole night, they never meant to, they had exams the next morning but they couldn’t help it. Sleeping in Dorcas’ basement, entangled together on the couch, the blankets draped around them. It was so soft then. That’s the best way Lily can describe it. Soft. Dorcas’ lips were all over her, falling across her body, nipping at the skin by her neck. If she closes her eyes now she can almost feel them again.
She closed the phone tucking it into her pocket, abandoning the cart in one of the aisles. She would apologize to the worker who’d have to clean it up if she wasn’t already leaving, breaking through into the heat as the doors opened. No one watched her as she passed by, she never expected them to. The tears lasted until she got in the car, and a whine escaped the back of her throat. She slammed her head onto the headrest behind her, trying to calm herself down. She played Dorcas’ favorite songs on the way home. She wasn’t sure what else there was to do.
Later that night she found herself tucked in her childhood bed, pulling the covers closer around her body, scrolling up on Pandora’s Instagram to find one last story between the two of them. Dorcas’ laughter turned up in her head. Pandora made her laugh. She made her laugh too much. Lily couldn’t remember making her laugh that much. She tossed her phone away. Then padded across the room to find it again anyway, plucking it from its place to replay the sound another time.
Dorcas didn’t text her for two weeks afterward. Lily refused to text first.
V
They all went to a camping trip a week before Mary was heading off to school, she was the first one. It was about an hour away, Lily stole a ride with Remus smooshed next to James and Regulus in the backseat. She could’ve driven herself but James was insistent that she had to be a part of the group. Dorcas’ car was already filled. She didn’t even ask Lily to go with her first. She wasn’t sure what had happened there. One second they were closer than ever, and then next… well the next she’s not sure. It happened at the beginning of the summer. She wasn’t sure what to do with it. She never asked anything maybe she should’ve.
They were all out behind the cabins, the fire crackling lighting them up. All drinking straight from the bottle, downing a sip when one came around. Barty and Evan tried to hoard all the bottles when they got their hands on them. Pandora drank too much and started spinning on one of the picnic tables, giggling as her white dress spun around. Dorcas looked at her, her eyes wide. She used to look at Lily like that, or maybe she’d never.
“Dorcas,” Lily called out, falling over her feet to place herself on the same log. She couldn’t help but lean heavily on her, almost knocking her over.
“Woah, Red,” Dorcas laughed, reaching out her hands to hold her up, “I think you stole too much of the bottle.”
Lily shook her head, reaching out to grab her face. She was covered in the warmth of the fire, its embers crackling over her head, “I have to ask you something.”
Dorcas grabbed at her hands, not to take them away, only to keep them there, “Are you okay?”
Lily shook her head, “What happened?”
“With what?” Dorcas questioned.
Lily blinked, us us us us us us us. “You’re scaring me.”
Dorcas’ eyebrows knit together, she takes away her hands, laying them in her lap, “With what, honey?”
Honey. Lily sinks, slowly settling through it all, resting her head on Dorcas’ shoulder. “I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered, only for it to get lost in the wind.
Dorcas didn’t make any promises, she kissed her head instead, pulling her in. Lily breathed her in, the smell of her skin, her heart. She didn’t let go of her the rest of the night, pressing her lips to her collarbone. Dorcas didn’t push her away, she hummed a simple tune instead. Lily tried to cast it to memory. She wasn’t asking for a lot, she wasn’t asking for anything at all, not really. Not a lot, just forever. Forever.
“Come ‘ere,” Dorcas pulled her closer, letting her rest of head on her lap. She brought her hands in her hair again, tangling her fingers at the roots.
“I don’t want to lose you,” Lily repeated.
Dorcas sighed, kissing the tip of her nose, “You’re drunk.”
Promise me, she wanted to beg, promise me I’m not losing you too.
She pushed into her stomach instead of trying to cocoon herself into her body. To stay there until both their bodies rotted, until they were eaten by worms and overtaken by crawling spiders.
They were the last two out there, as the wind grew heavier and the fire was only embers. Lily’s eyelids began to droop, trying to fight off sleep to stare up at Dorcas for longer. Always fighting for more time.
“My baby, my baby,” Dorcas hummed, running the pad of her thumb against her jaw. “You’re my baby, say it to me.”
Lily hummed shortly, but she didn’t have the words. It wasn’t much longer before Dorcas pushed her up. She slept alone that night. She always did then.
VI
It was the night before Dorcas went off to school. All her bags were packed already, her room looked so different. Lily couldn’t bear to go inside. She didn’t want to see the husk it became, it brought an awful feeling to the back of her throat. They stayed in the back garden instead, pressed against the porch staring out into the darkness surrounding her house.
“So tomorrow,” Lily murmured.
Dorcas hummed, “Big day.”
“Are you scared?” Lily asked her.
Dorcas shook her head, “I think I’m ready.”
Lily nodded, her eyes stinging, she wasn’t sure she was ready for it. She might’ve never been ready. “I’ll miss you.”
Dorcas smiled sadly looking over at her, “I miss you already.”
“I’m still here,” Lily called out.
Dorcas looked down at her lips, only for a second, “I need to tell you something,” she hesitated, “Before I go.”
Lily wanted to say no. She wanted to shake her head fitfully and walk away. She didn’t want to know, she knew already. “Okay.”
Dorcas took a step forward, collecting her cheek in her palm, when she leaned in Lily knew what she was doing, and she didn’t mind all that much. She felt the same as she always did, and she tried to burrow herself in her mouth. Tried to crawl down her throat and stay there forever. Dorcas was pulling away before she could, resting her head on her forehead. “I love you,” Dorcas told her, the words curling against her mouth. They hit Lily’s ears but she didn’t really hear them, she felt sick, she felt it in her chest.
“Oh.” It blows through her lips.
Dorcas held her cheeks, she knew too, “Say it back?” A question.
“I—“ The words died on Lily’s tongue. They expired, lying between them, in a little casket out back.
“Say it back,” Dorcas said again. A request.
Tears ran down her cheeks. They ran down Lily’s too. “I’m sorry.”
She wanted to, god did she want to? Back then and right now. Back then and forever. She wanted to. She was scared too. That terror shook her chest until she wasn’t exactly sure what to do.
Dorcas sniffled, pulling away, finding herself back on her side of the railing, “I thought pulling away would,” she paused, “I’m always going to feel like this, Lily.”
“You called me Lily,” Lily croaked.
“You know I mean it,” Dorcas mumbled, managing to look at her again, “I’m—I’m in love with you.”
Lily didn’t say it back. She didn’t say anything. She never did.
Quickly Dorcas brushed the tears from her cheeks, stepping back, “It’s getting late.”
I don’t want to go yet, Lily wanted to say.
“Yeah, it is,” she said instead.
Dorcas stepped back to the door, “You’ll walk around back, yeah?”
Lily nodded, “Yeah okay.”
Dorcas sniffled as she closed the door. Lily watched after her, waiting for her to come back. To pull her back in her arms and say it was all okay. Lily could tell her she was scared. She wanted to say the words like she did, god did she want to. She walked back instead, disappearing out the back gate. Walking the long way home. She wanted to be back in her car while she was driving, listening to 70s music surrounded by golden sunlight. She wanted to lay in her lap while tears spread across her cheeks. She wanted to kiss her cheeks again, kiss her skin, her lips. She wanted to be in her chest. She wanted to ask for anything she could get her hands on.
She walked home alone instead, slipping back through her doorway, to fall asleep in her childhood bed. She wanted more, grasping out for loose straws and invisible strings. Replaying the moments of the fantasy. Time moved too quickly, she couldn’t catch her breath. She wanted to ask for more. More. More. More. Always wanting more. She wanted Dorcas back in her arms now, instead of cold sheets beneath her fingers. She wanted anything. Not a lot, just forever.
But she never spoke to Dorcas again.