Dreaming Love

Have you ever experienced dreaming about having a lover and then waking up missing that person whose identity you don't even recognize? I am aware that such an experience is possible, but I didn't actually think you could feel longing for a person who exists only in your dreams. Or was I missing my lover (in my dreams?) because I do know and I do recognize her? She exists not only in my dreams but also in reality. Just not my lover though.

Stacey Sevilleja cuddles me on my sofa while whispering sweet things I could never imagined to come out of her mouth. It feels real. I can feel my heart racing yet my mind is calm and familiar with the proximity we share. The gentle pat and rub on my back while I was laying on her feels too comfortable.
"Hey"
She called, almost a whisper and then kissed me gently on my forehead.
"Hmm?" I searched for her eyes and saw a sleepy gentle look of it.
"Love, nilalangaw din kaya yung langaw pag namatay?"
"Huh?"
"Hatdog"
Bumangon ako mula sa pagkakahiga sa kanya at inis siyang tinignan. Tumatawa siya habang inaabot ang kamay ko. Nakaupo na kaming dalawa at niyakap niya ako sa likod at pinasandal sa kanya.
"Kainis."
She chuckled then rested her back on the sofa dragging me along with her. She took both of my hands and entwined it with hers, resting it on my stomach. I looked at it and smiled as I saw the golden band on both of our right hands.
"Love."
"Ano na naman?"
"I'm hungry."
Kahit nakatalikod ako sa kanya ay na iimagine ko na yung nakapout niyang mukha kaya napangiti ako.
"Oh tapos anong connect sa langaw?"
"Diba nilalangaw ang pagkain?"
Napalingon ako sa kanya at tinaasan ng kilay.
"Kadiri ka talaga." Tatayo na sana ako para ipagluto siya ng makakain pero hinila niya ulit ako pabalik.
"Wait lang." Sabi niya sabay nguso.
"Ano?"
"Kiss." Mahinang sabi niya at nakanguso na ulit.
I rolled my eyes but my smile betrayed me. I just find it really cute cause she isn't really the clingy type if you based it on the vibe she gives off. I gave her a quick peck on her lips at tumayo na para magluto. Akala ko mag-aantay lang siya sa sofa at manonood ng tv na nakalimotan na naming naka on pala. I opened the fridge to look for anything I can cook quickly kasi nagugutom na rin ako. I closed it and opted to cook instant ramen instead. I was waiting for the noodles to cook when I felt arms snaking around my waist and a gentle kiss on my shoulders.
"Love" She called and snuggled closer while sniffing my neck.
"Yes love?"
"Please remind me."
"Huh?"
"Please remind me that I love you and that-"
Her voice was cut off by the sound of my phone ringing. I opened my eyes and realization hit me. Nakatulala ako habang inaalala ang panaginip ko. I felt a clench on my heart as I remembered how it felt too good, too comfortable. We are lovers. I miss my lover. I miss Stacey Sevilleja. Huh? Why would I miss her?

Stacey Sevilleja is the typical campus crush. Someone cool. Someone kind, pretty, smart, though not totally approachable, isn't a snob either. Someone admired by many. And by many, it means almost half of the school population regardless of gender. It doesn't include me though. Sure I recognized her admirable traits and I understand why people would fall for her but that's just about it. We were acquaintances. Friend of a friend. We never really had an interaction with just the two of us. When our friends gather, nakaka usap ko naman ang lahat besides her. I don't really try to talk to her kasi umiiwas naman siya ng tingin. Ayaw ko rin sa awkward encounter kaya dedma nalang. She was just a person I would see around campus occasionally. A person I could only hear talking when we were with our friends. She would probably be on the same level as the school guard which I greet every morning. A normal passing person. So why? Why the hell am I missing her this bad dahil lang sa panaginip? Why am I craving the closeness we had on that dream so much na napapaiyak pa ako ngayon?
Siguro tama nga ang mga kaibigan ko na I should just date dahil sobrang lonely ko. Totoo pala na on random days you would miss someone kahit di mo alam sino yun. I probably just need connection. That's it.

I snapped back to reality when I heard my phone ringing again. This time bumangon ako at sinagot ang tawag ni Sheena.
"Ate ko Jho san ka na?"
"Huh? Bakit?"
"Anong bakit? Don't tell me you forgot?"
"Ewan? Ano ba kasi? Kakagising ko lang. Panira ka naman ng panaginip!"
" Ate ko Jho, birthday ni Stacey. Mag g girl's night out tayong walo diba?
I checked the time and the date and sure enough it really is her birthday. Hihiga na sana ako ulit when I read 6:00 pm.
" Ate ko Jho bumangon ka na. Bat ba ang aga mong natutulog?"
"Sheena Mae ang aga niyo naman mag inom? 6 palang oh?"
"Ate Jho kakain kasi muna dinner sabay lahat diba?" I can feel her sarcasm and I can almost see her eyes rolling at me. Malay ko bang may pa dinner pala?
"Eto na okay? Maghahanda lang ako. Just text me the details and I'll be there by an hour. Bye love you." Hindi ko na hinintay ang sagot niya at pinatay na ang tawag.

I basically dragged myself to prepare and at least look presentable sa dadalohan kong dinner at party. I don't actually mind dressing up kahit on normal days ay nagsusuot lang ako ng comfortable clothes. I checked myself in the mirror for the last time and decided it's enough. Napatingin ako sa pink paper bag na nakalagay sa table. Dadalhin ko kaya to? Tatanggapin ba niya? Hindi naman required mag bigay ng gift pero decency narin siguro. Hindi naman kami close pero na invite ako kasi close friends ko yung friends niya. I grabbed the bag and took my car keys and locked the door of my unit.

I arrived at the restaurant Sheena texted me earlier. I can tell they rented the whole place kasi walang ibang tao. When I arrived, ako nalang at si Ate Colet ang hinihintay. It wasn't the most expensive restaurant but it is famous for having great food and ambiance. The place feels intimate lalo pa at kamikami lang ang tao bukod sa staffs.

"Hi girlssss." Bati ko sa kanila at isa isa silang hinug. Well, maliban sa birthday girl kasi ikaw ba naman iwasan ng tingin pagkaposk mo palang. Well sorry kung hindi ako si ate Colet na probably yung hinihintay mo kasi nakangiti naman bago magtama yung tingin natin. It was awkward kasi siya yung na sa center ng rectangular table and siya dapat yung huli kong ihuhug but I decided against it. Ikaw ba naman hindi tingnan. Kung hindi lang kita namimis- Erase, ano ba yan!

"Ate ko Jho pinag antay mo talaga kami no? Mahiya ka naman sana." Pabirong sabi ni Sheena kaya nagtawanan sila. My gazed shifted to Stacey and our eyes landed on each other. Agad naman siya nag iwas at napanguso na lang ako. Iwas na iwas ah? May problema ba to sa akin? As far as I can remember wala naman and hindi din kami super close para mag ilangan. Okay naman siya makitungo sa mga strangers and ako din naman.

The table was already full with the foods at dumating na din si ate Colet kaya pagkatapos mag pray at kantahan si Stacey ng happy birthday ay kumain na din kami. Hindi na din nag wish si Stacey dahil natupad nadaw yung wish niya. Sana all diba? Hindi naman awkward sa dinner kasi maiingay naman mga kaibigan namin pag magkakasama. Sumasali din si Stacey sa kwentohan at tumatawa. Ako din naman pero mas nakikitawa lang ako. Mag aalas 10 na nang matapos kami sa dinner. Magbabar daw kami like the actual plan pero medyo malayo ito sa current location namin so need pang bumyahe ng mga 30 minutes. Ayos lang naman sa akin magbar ngayon kasi sabado naman bukas at tapos na din ang midterm exam.

"Sino pala sasabay sa akin?" Tanong ni ate Colet sa grupo. Si ate Colet, si Gwen at ako lang ang may dalang sasakyan ngayon. Everybody else wants to get drunk tonight so hindi na nagdala.

"Ako, si ate Aiah at si Mikha Cols" sagot ni ate Maloi at tumango naman si ate Colet.
"Syempre kay Bebe na ako sasabay" saad ni Sheena at kumapit sa braso ni Gwen.
"Where will I ride then?" Si stacey na naka taas ang isang kilay.
"Ayoko sumabay kila Sheena, magiging third wheel pa ako. Ayoko makakita pano sila magladian. IW!" She continued while rolling her eyes faking disgust on her face. Sheena laughed while Gwen looked amused. I chuckled at the situation. Everyone fell silent and then looked at me.

"Kay Jho ka na lang sumabay" saad ni ate Aiah at agad naman napatingin si Stacey sa akin. I'm unsure kung anong naiisip niya, her expression is unreadable. I was about to decline when Mikha also said something about Stacey not fitting anymore inside Colet's car kasi doon daw nakalagay ang mga gifts nila kay Stacey. Oo nga pala yung gift, naiwan ko sa kotse.
"Ummm, if okay lang kay Stacey?" I said unsure of how Stacey will react to that. Nagtama ulit ang mga mata namin and as usual, umiwas siya. I don't know why I was disappointed with that action.

" Okay. Okay lang, let's go na?" Stacey said which surprised me kasi I was sure she would decline. Everyone agreed and pumasok na sa mga kotse kaya naiwan kami ni Stacey and the awkward air around us. Nauna siyang maglakad patungo sa car ko. How did she know? Nevermind. I unlocked the door at pinagbuksan siya sa passenger seat. She muttered a small thanks which made me happy on the inside. Pumasok na ako driver's seat at nagtaka kung bakit di pa siya pumapasok.

"Is this for me?" Uminit ang mukha ko nang makita ang pink na paper bag na nasa passenger seat. I hummed nonchalantly to hide my embarrassment.
"Naiwan ko pala haha" Awkward. She said okay and then settled on the seat with my gift resting on her lap. Awkward silence is there again kaya I started to drive na lang. While driving, I kept stealing glances her way and noticed her eying the gift. I suddenly got shy. I just got her something casual, well if a water bottle fits in that category that is. But at least it's pink?

"You can open it" I can see her glance my way in my peripheral vision.
"Mamaya na siguro" and I answered an okay. Silence was there again. I hate awkward silence.

" Do you hate me?" I asked, still focused on driving.
"Huh?"
"I asked if you hated me. Do you?" Hindi naman galit yung pagkakasabi ko diba? I'm just curious.
"Why would I?"
"Parang umiiwas ka kasi sa akin."
I cleared the lump in my throat. Bakit ba ako affected. Hindi naman ganito dati. Wala naman akong paki kung dedmahin niya ako. Why did I have to have that weird dream. Now I'm here feeling things I shouldn't have felt if it weren't for that damned domestic fluff typa dream.
"You're imagining things Robles." She said, her tone calm.
"Okay" is a weird way to end that tension but that's all I could reply honestly. Ayoko din naman mas lalong maging awkward if I press on too much. She is now playing music which I actually don't mind. Malapit na din naman kami dumating.

Loud and intense music is banging on my ears as I tried to let myself get used to the dancing lights. Hindi naman ako lasing. I did have a few shots though. I am able to handle myself under the influence of alcohol pero kunti lang ininom ko cause I still have to drive. Only four of us are on our table. Si Sheena at Gwen ay nagsasayaw habang si ate Maloi naman ay nagpasama kay ate Aiah magcr. Stacey is sitting in between Mikha and ate Colet. While I'm sitting next to Mikha. Mikha is drunk and slumped on the chair so I can see Stacey clearly, animatedly talking to ate Colet. Ate Colet didn't drink kasi siya pa maghahatid sa tatlo. While Stacey is probably drunk kasi birthday niya nga and I figured she wanted to enjoy. Napanguso ako at napatingin sa mga nagsasayaw. I'm not drunk but somehow I just wanna enjoy so I stood up and decided to dance with the people. Some familiar faces greeted me, probably from school. I just smiled at them. I realized it was a bad idea to dance in the crowd of drunk people and so I decided to get fresh air. Hindi pa naman ako uuwi kasi andon pa mga kaibigan ko sa loob at baka ako pa maghahatid ng ilan sa kanila. I was outside the bar and I can still hear the loud music faintly muffled. I looked up to look for my favorite star, the north star. I didn't know I was smiling until someone pointed it out.

"So weird Robles, smiling like that."
I snapped my head to my side and saw Stacey's eyes sleepy and filled with something I can't explain. I raised my brow and erased my smile.

"Uuwi ka na ba? Di ka man lang magpapaalam sa birthday girl?" The way she said it is parang bata kaya napatawa ako mga slight.
"Don't laugh, I'm serious. Are you going home Robles? Ni hindi mo nga ako ginreet ng happy birthday?" Okay Stacey is really drunk kasi I'm sure as hell she wouldn't say this while sober. Not with me, at least.
" I'm sorry. Happy birthday Sevellija." I said hiding my amused smile. I patted her head and I don't know where that came from. Akala ko magagalit siya but then she closed her eyes. She smiled and so I continued to pat her head. Parang bata naman to pag lasing. This somehow made me remember my dream and suddenly I wanna hug her. And so I did. So weird Jhoanna. Di kayo close, she is drunk. So I let go and I thought I saw her pout after I moved back, pero baka guniguni lang.
"So uuwi ka na nga?" Why is this considered cute? I shook my head to answer and that made her smile, I think? Tumalikod siya at naglakad ulit papasok kaya sumunod ako sa kanya.

We went back sa table namin and found na complete na kami. Except ate Colet and Gwen, everyone else at the table was drunk. Ate Aiah is hugging ate Maloi while Mikha is trying to separate them in her own drunken attempt while Colet looks at them amused. She is holding ate Maloi's right hand though. Clingy lol. Sheena was still able to stand and embrace Stacey while muttering some happy birthday staku and so on. Gwen looked at her with a smile but still attentively watching if ever Sheena would fall. Lucky bastards, drunk but in love. Now I miss my lover again. Why am I painfully single.
"Andito naman na kayo, iuwi na natin tong mga to." Ate Colet said and stood up, gathering the girls' belongings. Gwen and I did the same and helped the girls walk outside the bar. Kinaya naman, nakakalakad pa naman sila kahit lasing. Sanay na sanay lang?

"Una na kami, ingat din kayo" Gwen said while ate Colet honked three times before driving off. Since magkatabi naman condo units ni ate Colet and Stacey, bukas nalang daw niya ibibigay yung mga gifts. Naiwan na naman kami ni Stacey. Inside the car, it wasn't silent anymore. Stacey is humming along with the music playing in the car. Cute.
???
Not cute, it's normal. People do that. And now there was silence again. I glanced at Stacey and found her sleeping kaya I stopped and adjusted her seat slowly so she would feel comfortable. I also draped my jacket over her body.
"Smells good" she muttered and I didn't know how to take that information. Thanks to that expensive perfume I guess?

Nakarating na kami sa building nila Stacey but she is still sleeping peacefully. I didn't wanna wake her pero mas better if she can sleep more comfortably on her bed. I tapped her shoulder lightly and she stirred awake. Her eyes finding mine and I can feel the familiar longing I have for her, the version of Stacey which only exists in my dreams.

"We're here na po. Baba na tayo? Hatid kita sa unit mo." She blinked and then pouted.
"Katamad maglakad. I wanna sleep." Hayst cute.
"You can sleep once you get inside your unit comfortably." I said but the pout is still there. This should have been annoying considering we're basically just people who barely knew each other but guess what? Why is this cute?
She blinked again then smiled. "Piggyback"
"Huh?"
"Carry me to my unit."
Hahahahahahah good Lord awa sa bading na nangungulila sa kasintahang na sa panaginip.

"Ummm sure?" Though hesitant at first, I figured mas mapapadali din if hindi na siya maglalakad while drunk so I opened the passenger seat, ready to take her on my back. She did comply though. I was about to close the door when she tightened her grasp on my neck making me choke a little.
"Aray ko naman." Namimisikal pa nga.

"Teka lang kasi. Gift. Maiiwan. Give it to me."
I looked inside the car again and smiled. It was the pink paper bag. When I held it, she immediately grabbed it and muttered 'mine'. Okay cutie no one will take it away from you. Eme. I locked the car and went inside the building.

Stacey's unit is on the fourth floor, only one room apart from ate Colet's. I figured ate Colet isn't home yet kasi ihahatid pa niya ibang girls. Stacey was still sleeping and she's not waking up kahit inalog ko na siya sa likod ko. Now how am I supposed to open her unit? Let's try her birthday. It worked. I'm so glad today is her birthday kasi di ko pala malalaman if hindi ngayon. Stacey's unit is simple. With two rooms, a living room and a kitchen you can see when you enter the unit. It was clean and organized even. It is also surely full of pink things which made me smile. I would think I'm in the wrong unit otherwise if it's not all pink I can see. I figured the door with the pink design was her room so I entered and rested her on the bed. I was about to go out and go home pero she seemed uncomfortable so binihisan ko muna siya at tinanggalan ng make up. Sobrang ganda niya pala pag walang ayos. Maganda naman siya if meron pero di ko lang ata masyadong napapansin noon. Kasalanan to ng panaginip. I swear to God baka isipin niyo na tinititigan ko siya while binibihisan but noooo. I closed my eyes most of the time kasi baka kung ano pa yung mahawakan ko.

Her sleeping figure looks so peaceful. She looks like the Stacey in my dreams, comfortable and I love her. In my dreams. I took one last glance at her when she opened her eyes and met mine.

"Love?" She said sleepily then closed her eyes back to sleep. My breath hitched and suddenly my head was racing with thoughts I could barely keep up. What ifs and possibilities are on my mind but I shook them off as I remembered that she is drunk and I should get home. That's right, uwi na tayo bago ko pa gayahin yung sa panaginip. As I was closing the door, I heard Stacey muttered 'love' again and I tried so hard to hold back myself from joining her in bed. Creepy mo naman Jho.

"Yes love" I replied at dahil nahiya ako sa ginawa ko ay sinara ko na agad ang pintuan at lumabas sa kwarto ni Stacey. Bumalik ako ulit na may dalang gamot at tubig at nilagay iyon sa table malapit sa bed niya. Hindi ko naman kinailangan mahirapan maghanap ng gamot kasi may dala naman ako nito palagi pag nag iinom. Stacey was still sleeping peacefully pero ang kumot ay nakababa na sa tuhod niya at yung porma pa niya ay parang nagkakarate. I chuckled at the sight and took a picture of it. Again Jho creepy mo naman. Well, in my defense, magagamit ko pa to in the future if maging close na kami. Maging close? Ang feeling mo Jho. Maka uwi na nga. 'Love' keeps echoing in my mind and I don't know if yung na sa panaginip or yung kanina ba yung naaalala ko. Ang lala naman nito. Kasalanan to ng panaginip.

Love