He leaned against the cold wall, closing his eyes and taking in a sharp breath. It did nothing to help the pain, it never did, and he knew that, but at least he didn’t have to look his mother in the eyes when the next hit would come. Sirius whimpered quietly when the next wave of the piercing pain hit him directly onto the chest, he clutched at it, eventually falling to the ground from the force of the tremors and pain. Walburga had laughed. High-pitched and self-satisfied, it sounded like she was enjoying the view of watching her own son suffer. Maybe she did enjoy it.
The rest of the evening was a blur, he couldn’t really tell what was happening. There were flashing lights, incoherent words that he somehow through the fog recognized being the voices of his parents, possibly Regulus too? He couldn’t be entirely sure, Sirius wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. His head was spinning, and it was difficult to keep himself upright when he finally got the chance to stand up, though he was pushed right back down. Everything hurt, there wasn’t a single part of his body that didn’t, he was sure he was bleeding too, though he couldn’t tell where the blood could be coming from.
It felt like hours, days even until it stopped, and he was left alone, or at least he thought so. The voices around him had stopped, at least for a moment it was quiet. It was the type where you acknowledge all the smallest of sounds, making you on edge at all times, scared something might happen. There was only the quiet echo of his mother's laugh ringing in his ears, but Sirius was sure it wasn’t actually there; just his mind playing tricks on him. He hadn’t yet found the strength to open his eyes to check though, so they might just as well still be there, he hoped they weren’t, though.
“Leave,” The sudden sound of her voice made him jump, and his eyes snap open, barely seeing her through the blurriness of his vision, but he could somehow make out the outline of her figure standing in front of him, hovering over him in a way that made his whole body go rigid. Even though he could barely see or move, he still followed the command, slowly standing up, his legs barely carrying his weight. He didn’t want to know what would happen if he didn’t, something would. Something always happens. “And, don’t come back.”
Sirius didn’t even look at her, he had understood the message loud and clear. He gripped on every possible surface for support as he walked, the back of a chair, the railing on the stairs, his knuckles turning white as he took a break to gather strength to continue. He leaned against the walls, swaying from side to side in the narrow hallway, when he finally made his way outside, he collapsed at the front steps, leaning against the door, breathing heavily. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, hear it in his ears, and it drove him mad. He just wanted for the noise to stop. Even for a moment. He needed to get out, he had to leave; hopefully his wand was still in his pocket. He eventually managed to get up, though he still felt like he might fall over at any point as he walked.
It was raining, it felt refreshing on his burning skin as he made his way down the street. When he got to an underpass, he leaned against the cold stone wall, trying to think what he should do. Remus lived too far away, and he wasn’t even entirely sure if he was home at the moment. Peter lived closest, but he was away on a holiday, and he didn’t want to go there anyway, he knew Peter wouldn’t understand. James didn’t live close either, he had walked there a few times, but it had been summer, and he wasn’t tripping over his feet every other step.
He could apparate there, technically. It would put him at the risk of being expelled from school, but maybe the ministry would understand? Maybe he could somehow sort it out? Though that would mean he’d have to explain everything, and more people would know, maybe he could leave that part out? He’d have time to worry about that later. James was his only option though, unless he wanted to stay outside, which he really didn’t want to do either. Euphemia and Fleamont were nice, so maybe they would understand if he showed up at their doorstep in the middle of the night.
Apparating made him feel even more dizzy, almost losing his balance when he landed at the Potter’s driveway, taking some time to gather his balance again. No lights were on, at least from what he could see, which wasn’t that much. But still, he knocked onto the door once he got there, hoping it was loud enough for somebody to hear. It took a few minutes before the door opened, he must’ve been a pathetic sight to see, if Euphemia’s expression was anything to go by.
“Sirius, dear, what happened?” She asked, ushering him inside and immediately leading him to the living room sofa, afraid he would pass out. Just that simple question said with so much care and kindness made the floodgates open, tears streaming down his face as he sobbed. He wasn’t sure what he could even respond to that. There were no words that could explain the incredible pain he was feeling, nothing that could explain what had happened well enough for someone to understand what it all meant. He wasn’t even sure himself.
“No, no, no.” He found himself saying, glancing up only to see the confusion in her expression, but nothing coherent enough left his mouth. He found himself repeating the same sentences over and over again, as if it would start to make more sense if he repeated it. “T-they know, they know. I- They know. They can’t- It’s- no.”
“Shh, it’s okay.” Euphemia whispered, interrupting his anxious rambling. “That’s not important now, you can explain later.” Sirius just nodded feverishly, burying his face into his hands. “I’m going to get something to patch you up. You don’t look too good, I’ll be right back.”
Before she could get up, though, Sirius spoke. “Jamey, where-? I-”
“Upstairs. Monty went to get him, don’t worry, Sirius. He’ll come down soon.” Sirius nodded again, looking around confusedly before his eyes focused on James standing at the doorway, giving him a sad smile as he walked over.
“Couldn’t wait until the morning, could you?” He teased, adjusting his glasses and running a hand through his hair as he sat down next to Sirius on the sofa. Sirius apologized quietly, not fully catching the playful tone of voice, wiping his eyes as he looked at James. “Y’know, that’s not what I meant. C’mere, you look like you need a hug.”
…
“Who knows?” Remus asked quietly, leaning his head into his hands as he looked at Sirius who was sitting on the bed, while he was in the armchair in the corner of the guest bedroom at the Potters. Sirius shook his head after a moment of thinking. “Who knows, Sirius?”
“Is that important?” He asked, glancing up. Remus didn’t look annoyed or angry, but rather disappointed and upset, which somehow was even worse than just being yelled at. It made him feel even worse about what had happened, about what had led to this in the first place. It was all his fault. “After w-what happened, I-. That's all you wanna know? What the hell does that matter?”
“It does.”
“How?” He whispered, picking on his fingernails, trying his best not to cry, or start an argument because he really didn't want that, but it seemed like Remus didn't care, he was so focused that it made him ignore all the signs that usually tipped him off. For once, Sirius wished he’d notice. “I don't understand.”
“I don't understand how you could let this happen.” Remus answered, making him take a sharp breath in, though he didn't notice, or care. Sirius wasn't sure. “How could you possibly be so stupid? You promised t-”
“I didn't mean to.” He said, shaking his head. “Rem, I swear I didn't mean to. It was an accident. I'd never-”
“I don't believe you. How could that happen?” Sirius nodded slightly, mouth hanging open as he looked at the ground, swallowing past the lump in his throat trying to figure out something to say, but no words would come out, they just got stuck halfway. He could feel himself starting to shake even more; it wasn’t just the aftermath of the spells used the night before, it was something else too. He didn’t understand why Remus was acting this way, maybe he had done something seriously wrong? Maybe he had deserved everything that happened, maybe it was only fair.
“M-mum and dad.” Sirius whispered, the events replaying clear as day in his mind as he thought back to it. “I-i don’t know how they- They know.” he said, reaching up to wipe his eyes on his sleeve before going back to hugging himself as tightly as he possibly could. He really wanted to be alone now. The one person he thought would make it all, at least a little better, made him want to just be alone.
“Mm, ‘cause they’re definitely the best people to know about this, aren’t they?” That felt like a stab in the heart, it hurt more than anything he had endured at the hands of his mother. It was a different kind of pain. “I guess Effie and fleamont know as well?” Sirius nodded quickly, still not daring to look at Remus. He didn’t want to be yelled at, again. Maybe he deserved it, though? “Do you realize how bad this is? Everyone’s gonna fucking know Sirius. Everyone. Does Regulus know?”
“I don’t know.” He cried, shaking his head. “I don’t- Remus, I-i really don’t know. I-” He was tripping over his words as he cried, breathing getting quicker as he tried to think. “I fucked up. I fucked up, I-i know. I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to, I promise. It w-was an accident. I swear. They- they. You don’t understand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Rem. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Shit. “No, Sirius. I'm sorry-” He said, trying to correct his behaviour, he should've reacted in a entirely different way. He didn't mean for this to happen, of course he didn't. Sirius slowly looked up, wiping his eyes and hiccuping as more tears continued to trail down.
“I didn't mean to…” Sirius whispered weakly, shattering Remus’ heart into pieces. “I promise.”
“I know.” He said, trying to get his voice to be as soft and gentle as he could. He didn’t want to make Sirius feel even worse. “I know you didn't mean to. I'm so sorry.”
“Can I have a hug?” Sirius asked quietly after a moment of silence, taking him by surprise. After all he had said, he still wanted to be closed. He still wanted Remus, even when it was part of the reason he was feeling so horrible. “Please, moons?”
“Baby.” He whispered, slowly standing up and wrapping his arms around Sirius when he got up as well. He hid his face into Remus' chest, clinging on as if he would just disappear. “I shouldn't have gotten mad at you. Not now. That could've waited. I'm so sorry.”
“ ‘s okay.” Sirius mumbled. “I get it.”
“No. It's not okay. Don't say it is.” Sirius only nodded. “It's- Sirius something really bad happened to you and I should've been there for you- I shouldn’t have said what I did, it’s not fair to you.” He cleared his throat as tears started to burn in his eyes and a breath got caught in his throat. “I'm sorry.”
They fell silent after that, it wasn't uncomfortable, both just taking a moment to calm down. Remus swayed them gently, rubbing Sirius back to try to comfort him the best he could. Sirius just let himself be wrapped in the warm embrace, feeling like everything was okay for a moment; the tremors were gone and so was all the pain, physically and mentally. He felt better, for a moment, forgetting everything that had happened. He always felt better with Remus.
He listened to Remus' calm breathing, finding comfort in the way his hand went up and down his back slowly in the same way it always did when he was with Remus. It was calm and gentle, a ghost of a touch compared to what other people did, it was so familiar and comforting. When he felt Remus' lips press against the top of his head, that too, soft and gentle, made him feel at home. It was a simple gesture, but it meant so much more, especially now. It was a simple expression of love, but it said all the things that were left unsaid for now.
I'm sorry Remus had whispered again, but Sirius just shook his head, pressing himself even closer to him, It's okay.
It took a long while until the pair pulled apart, only to look at each other, Sirius reached up to wipe away the tears with his sleeve. Remus smiled slightly, leaning down to rest his forehead against Sirius' who let his eyes flutter closed, feeling safe with him. He finally felt safe.
“Do you want to talk?” Remus asked after a moment, kissing his forehead before looking at him, Sirius opened his eyes, looking up at him.
“I don't know.” Remus nodded. “Wanna sleep.”
“Okay. Do you-”
“Stay.” He chuckled quietly, getting a smile out of Sirius, it was small, but it was a smile. Eventually, they broke the embrace to get settled in bed, Remus sat down with his back against the headboard, Sirius sat down next to him at first, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. But eventually ended up with his head resting on his chest, curled up to him the best he could. Remus played with his hair, twirling the curls around his fingers, holding his hand with the other. Sirius closed his eyes, he wanted to sleep. He hadn't slept last night, but he couldn't find himself to fall asleep. There was still so much on his mind, and the pain was starting to break through whatever bliss he had fallen to.
“What hurts, love?” Remus asked quietly, as if reading his mind.
“Everything,” Sirius whispered, sounding defeated. “My chest hurts, and I'm all shaky.” He said, and Remus nodded, shifting so he could rub at his side gently, prompting him to continue. “My head hurts too.”
“Have you slept at all?”
“Maybe an hour.”
“Okay.” He whispered into his hair. “Can I help, baby?” Sirius shrugged, rubbing his nose onto Remus' jumper for a moment. He wasn't sure if he was just getting rid of an itch or if it was an affectionate gesture, but he didn't mind either one.
“They all know.” Sirius whispered after a while of silence. “I'm sorry, Remus. I promised it wouldn't happen.”
“It's okay, Sirius.” He said, though he wasn't sure if it would be okay, he shouldn't be mad at Sirius for that. It wasn't his fault. “It'll be okay. We'll be okay.”
“What if we won't be? It's my fault. I don't- Re, I don't want anything to happen to us.”
“Me neither.”
“I fucked up again.” Remus shook his head. “I'm so sorry.”
“Shh, it's okay, love.” He didn't answer, but a tear fell down anyway, Remus just reached to wipe it away before continuing. “You didn't fuck up, nothing will happen to us, nothing, I promise.”
“But- People?” He said. “They're not supposed to know.”
“Maybe it'll be okay. Effie and Monty won't do anything, neither will James. They're good people, Siri.” Sirius nodded. “It'll be okay.”
“Yeah.”
“I'm so sorry I got mad at you.” Remus whispered quietly. “I panicked, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have.”
“It's okay moony.” He said. “It happens.”
“It shouldn't.” Sirius just shrugged. “Do you wanna talk about it? About what happened yesterday?” He tensed up slightly, but nodded anyway, slowly calming down. “If you don't want to, we don't have to talk. We can just sleep, whatever you want.”
“It's okay.” Remus nodded, waiting patiently as Sirius took a moment before he started. “I don't know how they- they found out. I really don't know… I might've slipped it, sorry.” He whispered, starting to draw shapes into Remus' side with his finger to distract himself. “She got really angry with me, so did dad.”
“They- um they used the spell on me. It hurts so much, rem. I hate it, and they just kept on doing it. I was so scared.” his voice wavered with unshed tears and fear, but he kept on. “They a-always threaten with it… I didn't think they'd actually do it. She told me to leave, if I wouldn't, s-something bad would happen.”
“That- that's horrible, love.” Sirius just nodded. “I don't know what to say.”
“Don't have to say anything.” He said. “It just hurts.” He said, wiping his eyes before taking Remus’ hand back into his. “I always fuck up.”
“You didn't fuck up.”
“Remus?” He hummed, running his hand through Sirius' hair, waiting for him to continue. “Do you promise…? That we'll be okay.”
“I do.” Remus whispered, kissing his head. “We'll be okay, Sirius.” He nodded, a small smile flashing on his features.
“Can we talk more tomorrow? I'm tired, Rem.” Remus nodded. “Thank you.”
They were quiet again for a long while, falling into that comfortable place where it was just them, only them, with no worries about what was outside. They could just be, and not care about what had happened. Remus gently nudged his forehead with his nose, a silent ask for Sirius to look at him. He did, sleepy eyes gazing up at his boyfriend, smiling slightly as he leaned up to give him a kiss. It was soft and warm, just full of love. “I love you, moony.” Sirius whispered quietly, against his lips.
“I love you too.” He whispered back, giving him another kiss before Sirius rested his head back down, tucking it underneath his chin, getting as comfortable as he could. He closed
his eyes, smiling as Remus pulled the blanket over them. “Sleep, baby. I'll be here to keep you safe, yeah? Nothing to worry about.”